Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

[TinselAngel]

Who would have thought we'd make it to thread 4?

Let's have some mutual pats on the back for the amazing support women on these threads have given to other trans widows, and the accidental consciousness raising that has come about as a result of this community.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

We now have a website which has been very well recived, and if any women who have contributed to these threads would like to write their story for inclusion on the website that would be wonderful.

Do post to get the new thread going. Links to the website and previous threads will follow.

As ever our thoughts are with the women still stuck in these relationships- check in, we do worry about you.

Nothing to add to what these wise people have said. Just

You've got a lot on your plate right now Southern
Just because he is wavering doesn't mean you have to offer any change of heart or new ideas on the situation. You can press on with the plan and watch and wait. If for some reason you decide you do want to take him back if he changes his mind, or take him back later on, you absolutely don't have to know right now or give reassurance of any kind. Far too big a decision to reverse right now, and an unreasonable ask on his part. So you can say you don't know how you'd feel in future, but I wouldn't be pushing myself at a stressful time, to pull a new offer out of the bag. I'd stick with the plan and bide your time. You are worth more than to be pulled by his changes of heart. Him going gives you space to work out what you want and how you feel about him

By the way I personally think he's what MN calls a CF, but my first answer was the civil one Look after yourself and hand him the responsibility for sorting out his own mess

You are all right. I know this. I need to remember this.

I really need to go in for a therapy appointment. The holiday and surgery created too big of a gap between appointments.

Crikey.

Mumsnet HQ deleted my message of support to a Transwidow. That’s surely a new low?

SouthernTW - I hope you saw it - I said the universe has better in store for you, set yourself free ❤️🌈

@SouthernTW, I'm sorry you're dealing with this stress on top of everything else. Glad to hear you're resuming with a therapist, I think that's a really healthy choice. Hang in there, you'll get through this.

@BettyDuKeiraBellisMyShero

Crikey.

Mumsnet HQ deleted my message of support to a Transwidow. That’s surely a new low?

SouthernTW - I hope you saw it - I said the universe has better in store for you, set yourself free ❤️🌈

Yes, I did. Thanks! It was absolutely perfect and I have it committed to memory. I read it when I was driving around in the middle of the night because I just had to get away from him for a while. The being cooped-up in the house with this crazy person due to the pandemic is making all off this stuff worse.

@TinselAngel

I'm more direct than your granny, I suspect.

Unlikely. She would have tolerated none of this crap that I'm dealing with.. She would have likely said, "Bless his heart and dropkick his ass."

She's been dead a long time. I still miss her.

@socialworker222

By the way I personally think he's what MN calls a CF, but my first answer was the civil one Look after yourself and hand him the responsibility for sorting out his own mess

I wonder if Mumsnet CF translates to the American MF? Sounds about right.

Thank you all for the support. I truly do appreciate it.

We had a heated discussion last night which culminated in me being clear that, "I deserve a husband who actually cares about my needs and you don't want to be that so when is your move-out date?"

Your Grandma sounds ace SouthernTW

A soundtrack for your next late night drive!

m.youtube.com/watch?v=QQ6Anq1K2Kg

Any idea why you were deleted Betty?

Yes! But I didn’t say anything that wouldn’t be considered OK over on the relationships board (where women are frequently empowered to leave men who engage in upsetting social and/or sexual behaviours)!
I was already on the naughty step, mind you.

Still, was a fantastic real-time illustration as to how much harder it is for transwidows and soon to be transwidows to access support than it is for women with non-transitioning partners.

for everyone on this thread

(I only popped my head round the door last night because it was very late and I didn’t want SouthernTW to have to wait til UK morning to get a response!)

[quote BettyDuKeiraBellisMyShero]A soundtrack for your next late night drive!

m.youtube.com/watch?v=QQ6Anq1K2Kg[/quote]
This is fantastic in so many ways. And spot on. I have gotten a new hair color and lost 65 pounds so my jeans are tighter (and skinnier). Thanks @BettyDuKeiraBellisMyShero. You're my shero today!

I am adding it to my breakup playlist, which is quite fantastic if I do say so myself. If anyone else has suggestions for that playlist, I'm all ears. Here it is so far:
What About Us (Pink)
Fix You (Coldplay)
Better Man (Little Big Town)
Landslide
Someone Like You (Adele)
Survivor (Destiny's Child)
Stronger (Kelly Clarkson)
Dreams (Fleetwood Mac)
Party for One (Carly Rae Jepsen)
It's Too Late (Carole King)
Don't Speak (No Doubt)
Respect (Aretha)

@SouthernTW, glad to hear it, and hang in there! It will get better.

Though I have to say what pisses me off on your behalf is how much we TWs are expected to accommodating with BS like this. What if it wasn't transgenderism but adultery? "I want to move out for a while so I can f*ck your best friend but I want to stay close with you in case that doesn't work out" Really??!! Is there anyone on the planet who would think that's okay?

But somehow we are expected to just go along with anything our trans husband wants, because "politics".

Spot on Quinn.
Interesting feature on Ambiguous Loss on radio 4: www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m000pxr3
Talked about loss where the person is 'atill here but not here', like after dementia or head injury, or missing persons. Resonated with experience of families of transitioners, where the person destroys their identity and shared history, but still lives round the corner... I emailed the programme to note this is similar and such families and partners are often forgotten in terms of impact. It wouldn't surprise me if it's a glaringly obvious example but the BBC wouldn't dare mention it. Or am I paranoid?

SouthernTW a break up song to add to the list is another Coldplay track - Magic

Call it magic
Cut me into two
And with all your magic
I disappear from view

And if you were to ask me
After all that we've been through
Still believe in magic?
Oh, yes, I do

Not a TransWidow, but I occasionally pop over to have a read to see how you're all doing. I'm in awe of your strength dealing with the kind of shit your exes, partners and spouses have put you through. I really don't know how I'd cope with that.

Posting now to help @SouthernTW with her Breakup Playlist. None of them are particularly new, which shows my age, but they are quite apt:
Kelis - (it's the one that goes "I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW! AAAAHHHHH!!!" in the chorus), and also
P!nk -
Anastacia -
Shakespears Sister -
Kirsty MacColl - is defiant, while is more reflective
Transvision Vamp -
Alison Moyet - , and her version of is probably my favourite too
Blondie -
Gloria Gaynor - (it's a cliche but with good reason)
Aretha Franklin - as well as "Respect" (already mentioned) there's
Ray Charles -
I'd be tempted to include Billy Bragg's , but that definitely needs a trigger warning for mentions of domestic abuse.

If we'd have started this sooner we could have made a bloody fortune with a compilation CD, targeted at the middle aged Christmas present.

Ooooh, thanks y'all! You're the best.

Therapy got my head sorted and I told spouse I don't even care if he is moving out permanently or whatever all he is dithering about. I need him to at least go to some residential hotel or somewhere for a few weeks minimum because I need a break from his roller coaster. I don't even care anymore what he chooses to do when I don't have to see it. I just need to not see him.

@SouthernTW

Ooooh, thanks y'all! You're the best.

Therapy got my head sorted and I told spouse I don't even care if he is moving out permanently or whatever all he is dithering about. I need him to at least go to some residential hotel or somewhere for a few weeks minimum because I need a break from his roller coaster. I don't even care anymore what he chooses to do when I don't have to see it. I just need to not see him.

Well done for taking back control.

@TinselAngel

If we'd have started this sooner we could have made a bloody fortune with a compilation CD, targeted at the middle aged Christmas present.

Well there's always Valentine's Day

If it is coming out then, maybe June Tabor singing Billy Bragg's "Valentine's Day Is Over"?