Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

[TinselAngel]

Who would have thought we'd make it to thread 4?

Let's have some mutual pats on the back for the amazing support women on these threads have given to other trans widows, and the accidental consciousness raising that has come about as a result of this community.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

We now have a website which has been very well recived, and if any women who have contributed to these threads would like to write their story for inclusion on the website that would be wonderful.

Do post to get the new thread going. Links to the website and previous threads will follow.

As ever our thoughts are with the women still stuck in these relationships- check in, we do worry about you.

Emotional benefits that is.

@SouthernTW

Tinsel- In the US about 3-5% of kids are homeschooled although in my area that percentage is higher. Although I can see where some men might use it was a way to create economic dependency, that's not the case for our family. And now I am scrambling to figure out a way to make it work financially so that I can continue to homeschool my kids. They don't want to go to a traditional school. They are close to old enough to make it work if I can just hang on another year or two. I currently work part-time (one day a week) teaching older homeschool students and am planning to double that for the next school year. It won't be lucrative, but I can't imagine going back to practicing law and working full-time while my children deal with this trauma.

XYZ- What a dreadful situation. I am glad you have escaped.

Socialworker- I fear the day he comes out on his Twitter feed. All of his likes for these ridiculous-looking men dressed as women is bad enough. How are your kids taking your ex's disclosure?

Thank you for that perspective.

It sounds like helping other homeschoolers could be a good way for you to get back into work.

Tinsel

Trust took a long time ! It has been almost 4 years now. Really, he had a lot of problems and worse than the gender stuff was the alcohol which I think finally, he has broken free of for good. I found that trust was a very gradual coming back. I had followed ALAnon advice a bit and “separated with love” Emotionally. This was helpful for my coping day to day but now it’s more of a struggle to reconnect back up ya know? We’d become very dissociated.

southernTW

It’s a bit frustrating but we do have our daughter so it would be OK not to have another child. Just was something we’d been looking forward to so would be too bad especially if it’s due to the HRT. But who knows maybe it’s not.

I hate how angry I feel all the time. I'm buying my kid a punching bag for Christmas, but I think it's really going to be for me.

The spouse went and got his chest and eyebrows waxed today. We had argued about him getting laser hair removal because of the cost, so this is his way around that. It makes me want to vomit. And then, he came home and hopped on his ridiculous discord chatting with the other trans. It's like he's addicted. Who am I kidding? He IS addicted.

Random thoughts that pervaded my day:
I'm in my late 40's and wondering if I will ever have decent sex. Somehow, it didn't bothered me going years with no penetrative intercourse (sorry for the TMI) and being married, but now . . .

How terrible it is of me to wonder if the kids could just not mention to others that he's transitioning when they find out. Our lives will be totally separate. We have almost no friends in common. He has no IRL friends. I hate that I have to be ashamed of something that I have no control over.

Regarding shame Southern, I felt, and still feel, ashamed of my situation several years later and can't really understand why. I guess it's like anyone being married to someone with a secret that breaks up the family: surely we could have spotted the signs? Maybe we were into it (sexually)? Maybe we're a bit flakey too to be with someone so flakey? Maybe our judgement is poor, to have had kids with someone so self-centred and unstable.
I also live somewhere quite close-knit and hate the fact that everyone knows, I mean everyone. Even people I don't really know. Because of course if someone else's Dad at school had done this, I too would talk about it over the dinner table. It's very unusual and isolating.
And of course really, other people admire us. They tell me they can't believe I survived this, that I have been so strong for my kids, that I asserted myself as a woman and didn't stay because I couldn't cope without a man, and a police officer colleague said I was 'the bravest person they knew' (which has to be ridiculous, but felt good :)).
So on the whole, people aren't thinking about you other than to feel sorry for you (which you may or may not welcome), and admire you for being decisive. So many people have admitted they too would not stay, but of course that's a bit taboo and we all have to pretend if we love enough, the rainbow family will prevail...
So you will need to start gently tweaking your thinking when you go down that road, and remind yourself that you have nothing to be ashamed of. Unfortunately he does, however much his allies say he should be proud, for the way he's handling it.
It's normal to feel that way. But there is a way out, and as for the sex, you so will. I'll leave that to others who have found new partners unlike me, for now.

I am not a transwidow and very probably have no business to be in this thread, but I can't help being horrified about the number of men who seem to wait until they have children in a marriage and have thus forced a woman into a completely false position before "coming out" and telling the woman that she now has to accept them as female. It seems such calculated cruelty, both to her and to the child or children.

There is no way that I would ever blame any woman for not wanting to stay married to a man who had lied to her about himself when it's something so essential, any more than I would blame a woman for wanting not to stay married to a man who had lied about being a serial adulterer or who had been visiting prostitutes regularly while telling her he was at the football. It's the lies that would be a deal-breaker for me, and I think that's the root of it. Nobody should be made to feel they have to go along with someone else's lies!

Some of the things I have read here have made me weep with fury and sympathy. There's no way that someone is to blame for being the victim of abuse, or ought to feel it's somehow their fault, I just don't have the words.

I wish each and every one of you recovery from this horror, and happier lives in the future.

Thanks Asking. We welcome allies who understand this goes beyond identity politics. It's good to know other people read this and support us.

Of course you're angry Southern. Why would you not be? Something terrible and traumatic is happening to you.

Prepare yourself for him deciding the waxing is unsatisfactory and that he "needs" expensive lazer treatment. My ex started having it just before we split up. We also couldn't afford it.

I can confirm that great sex is possible in the future 👀

Regarding who your kids tell, I managed to create a situation where DD hasn't had to tell anyone she doesn't want to tell. Was this the right decision? I've thought about it a lot and concluded it was the only way I was able to do it at the time. I just didn't have it in me to be any kind of cheerleader for the situation, I think it would have finished me off. So whether right or not it was necessary.

Some of the things I have read here have made me weep with fury and sympathy. There's no way that someone is to blame for being the victim of abuse, or ought to feel it's somehow their fault, I just don't have the words.

Thank you Asking this is exactly how I want people to feel about it.

@TinselAngel

Of course you're angry Southern. Why would you not be? Something terrible and traumatic is happening to you.

Prepare yourself for him deciding the waxing is unsatisfactory and that he "needs" expensive lazer treatment. My ex started having it just before we split up. We also couldn't afford it.

I can confirm that great sex is possible in the future 👀

Regarding who your kids tell, I managed to create a situation where DD hasn't had to tell anyone she doesn't want to tell. Was this the right decision? I've thought about it a lot and concluded it was the only way I was able to do it at the time. I just didn't have it in me to be any kind of cheerleader for the situation, I think it would have finished me off. So whether right or not it was necessary.

That is really helpful about the kids, Tinsel. In our circles, there will be no cheerleading for the rainbow family. It's more likely he will be branded an unwelcome sinner. I just don't want to get lumped in with that. Or have my kids shunned because of his choices.

And I know all about the escalation. I'm sure he will have his appointment for laser removal scheduled before he gets all of his stuff out. And of course, he couldn't even just wax eyebrows and chest, he had to get his arms done too. I can't wait until he moves out. I just can't. He looks ridiculous with his mop of hair and hunching over trying to appear shorter than his 6'5."

socialworker- I can't believe people survive this either. It is supremely helpful to know that there are others who have made it through since it all seems so bleak right now. And I am hating the people feeling sorry for me already. Only three others know other than my therapist and I detest being the source of pity. I wish I could go hide in a hole.

Re. kids, one of mine has told no'one; it's proved rather isolating but they are so fearful of being branded transphobic that it is preferable. Other young people aren't that interested in why Dad left; most probably assume he has a new girlfriend.
The other has gradually told people very close and has found them entirely sympathetic.
Both mine are very 'woke' generally and their primary worry is not shame about him, but being judged as unkind for not wanting anything to do with him.
It becomes last week's news quite quickly, and families break up all the time, so what feels terribly public and difficult quite quickly recedes.

He looks ridiculous with his mop of hair and hunching over trying to appear shorter than his 6'5."

That's going to make the whole thing difficult to pull off.

@TinselAngel

He looks ridiculous with his mop of hair and hunching over trying to appear shorter than his 6'5."

That's going to make the whole thing difficult to pull off.

Yes, it is. I don't know how he is ever going to pass.

He took his wedding ring off. He finally has lost enough weight to get it off his finger. He didn't tell me he was going to take it off. I wasn't prepared for how upset it would make me.

Have you taken yours off?

Yes and no. I have been taking it off for several days at a time and putting it back on. I confronted him about it and he said that he thought "that's what we were doing" since I had taken mine off. We had a log discussion about what the next few months of cohabitating are going to look like. It was actually a fairly productive (although emotionally draining) conversation.
I feel like I'm now in a denial stage of grief because there's a part of me that wishes he would just stop all this craziness. There's some little small piece of me that wants to hope, which I know is just stupid. He says he loves me and he's afraid he's making a mistake. He seems to have some doubts about the rightness of this whole thing, but then it's almost like he talks himself back into it.
Sigh.

Southern you will feel like that, pulled all ways and exhausted by it. I remember feeling I hate him, I love him, I'm glad he's gone, I miss him.. all at once. It's okay, and completely normal. All these stages are painful. Things like wedding rings and photos, gifts and memories, plans you had, in-jokes, moments with children, really hard. It's a dreadful living grief.

I feel like I am losing my mind, y'all. I am pretty sure that spouse has lost his. Please help me process. I apologize for the word vomit. I can't wrap my mind around all the things. I have a therapist, but only get to see her every other week for 50 minutes.

I went back and read the previous TW threads, just trying to better understand and make some sense of this ridiculous mess of a life.

And spouse isn't like a lot of the ones described. He hasn't tried to push any of the trans nonsense into our bedroom. In fact, he's rejected me for years. He's agreed to relinquish legal custody and even pay a fair amount of spousal and child support. He doesn't want to fight about anything (other than that he is insistent he IS a woman). He is going to a transpositive counselor who is pushing the narrative and won't consider any other ways to resolve his issues. He won't look into any of his other issues with her. He's basically living online in his trans chat rooms and obsessing about body hair and his weight (which isn't even that bad given how much he's now lost).

He basically has been acting as a woman in an online virtual reality world for years and having cyber sex (presumably as a woman). He says he came to the realization that he was hiding his "true self" (barf) and that's why he weighed so much and thought so little of himself. He obviously has body dysmorphia and has lost 115 pounds in the last six months. He is spouting political opinions that are completely antithetical to what he always has before. I feel like he's gone off his rocker with the mid-life crisis.

In discussing what the remainder of his time in the house will look like, he wants us to basically "enjoy" being as husband and wife like we should have been doing all along. And it all has an end date- i.e.,, when he moves out. He says he wants to be "kind, loving, and respectful, and treat (me) as (I) deserve." He wants to cuddle and talk and kiss me. He keeps caressing me. If I want to, he will have sex with me, but nothing "involving his genitals" because he's "ashamed" of them. If I want to just get off, I think I'd rather just do it myself because he's not very good at it and the way he smells all powdery is a huge turn-off.

This is all just the biggest mindf$*&!

Milady this is a support thread, not a place to debate the supposed 'womanhood' of our partners, or push pronouns in our faces in capitals. You hang out on other threads chastising women, but this is not the place. Women here need support and a safe place to speak. Head off and tell people off elsewhere. And have some compassion and decency about where you throw your weight around.

Sorry you guys on here have to tolerate this kind of bullying. Reading the TW threads you put up with enough of this at home. It's a shame some people can't tolerate others' need for safe spaces to speak freely and receive kindness and compassion.

And Southern one of the items my ex was most keen to take was our bathroom scales. The narcissism and self-absorption was extraordinary. Photos of the children? Of our wedding? Not interested. But his own appearance, at a point of leaving a family, top-priority. I found, and find, it pretty much impossible to empathize.

This is our space and we will not be bullied and intimidated off it by plopping boundary violators. Thanks as ever to MNHQ for their support.

Southern my experience was more like yours in a lot of ways than it was like the stories of sexual abuse that seem all too common. Hence me being as surprised as anyone by the prevalence of AGP abuse, when I started these threads.

Whatever your situation is, if it is intolerable for you as an individual then to have the right to leave. Your husband will want to have as comfortable a life as possible until this happens.