Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

[TinselAngel]

Who would have thought we'd make it to thread 4?

Let's have some mutual pats on the back for the amazing support women on these threads have given to other trans widows, and the accidental consciousness raising that has come about as a result of this community.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

We now have a website which has been very well recived, and if any women who have contributed to these threads would like to write their story for inclusion on the website that would be wonderful.

Do post to get the new thread going. Links to the website and previous threads will follow.

As ever our thoughts are with the women still stuck in these relationships- check in, we do worry about you.

Up to now I've only attracted abusive narcissists with personality disorders or mental illnesses in various forms which I know now is because of the massive red sign on my forehead, visible only to them, shouting "VULNERABLE - WILL TOLERATE ABUSE". I thought "normal" men were boring of course.

Psychotherapy, lots of reading and videos are narcissistic abuse and CPTSD and divorcing my abusive parents changed everything and although I don't actively date, when men enter my life I very quickly see those red flags now and have zero tolerance for fuckwittery.

It took a very long time however and my AGP ex left and re-entered my life for years before I reached my wall.

We are scheduled to meet with a family counselor (just spouse and I) at the end of the month because I insisted on having an intermediary to prepare us to tell the kids we are separating and have someone in place for the inevitable bombshell of disclosure to the kids. I am doing everything I can to have supports in place for them.

At this point, spouse says he doesn't plan to tell them until summer time, so 5-6 months after he moves out. We'll see if that lasts. Once he tells the kids, he's going to have to tell his parents and he seems to want to avoid that. His parents are rather elderly and have multiple health issues. His father also suffers from dementia. I am very sad to be losing my in-laws in this ordeal. When we got married and I changed my last name, I said that I wasn't taking spouse's last name but his father's, because he was the best man I have ever known. It brings me enough solace that I don't think I will change my last name back after the divorce.
I am really struggling with his ideas of femininity/womanhood. Being a woman isn't about what one wears. It's not about wearing dresses (or leather leggings in his case) and heels. It's about wearing puke at 3:00 in the morning when your kid throws up. It's about not getting to wash your hair for the third day in a row because your kid won't sleep. It's about sacrificing your time, money, and talents for the betterment of your family. It's not about getting mani/pedis because there sure haven't been a whole lot of those in my past 15 years. It's about forgetting to put in earrings for so many days one's earholes start to close up. I'm definitely in an ager stage of grief this week.

SouthernTW and everyone else suffering this tragedy . Often in my thoughts

You're making great progress South and from my point of view anticipating and planning in the best possible way.
Great idea to have a neutral third party involved, and to perhaps raise any concerns you have about him sticking to agreements around the children.
You may not lose your in-laws; I did but only because they treated me poorly and wanted us all to behave as if absolutely nothing bad had happened in our family. I didn't have a great relationship with them before it all anyway. Yours are likely to feel mortified and sympathetic towards you, so you may manage to keep a relationship with grandparents as others on here have.
As for what it means to be a woman, you are among friends here. We have all experienced this (every time I have the misfortune of bumping into my ex, he is in heels and a short skirt and I am in dirty gardening trousers and yes, well-spotted, no earrings. ) You know what you believe and have experienced and despite the prevailing media coverage and political climate, many many people agree with you, so you need to try to protect yourself against feeling intolerant or ashamed in any way.
It's about sacrificing your time, money, and talents for the betterment of your family... absolutely. The whole experience made me feel my husband could not be less of a woman in fact, given his treatment of his family. I just can't see a mother behaving in the ways he has.
You sound clear-headed, decisive and in a planning mindset which I think will help you greatly. Accept your anger and grief. It passes over time, mellows; episodes of it become shorter and less intense, and people on here have rebuilt decent lives, and their children have turned out okay. Thinking of you.

Totally agree - Southern TW you sound like you're really protecting yourself and the intermediary will be a witness to any manipulation or gaslighting that will inevitably follow - eg "I didn't say I'd wait until summer to tell the kids. You're making it up to try to stop me being my truth authentic self!"

Ugh. "My true authentic self." I am so heartily sick of that ridiculous phrase.

Yes. It's somewhat delusional and narcissistic and of course disregards the attached history of women and children.
You have to hang on to an inner core certainty that you know this is bullshit, and these behaviours are not okay. Lots and lots of people feel that way whether they've had personal experience of this, but a lot of us are keeping our mouths shut in public and at work and pressing on with our own lives. You're doing great.

Initially, I felt some sympathy about his issues. Now, I'm starting to just be disgusted by it. "I'll have to trim my nails now because I broke one." I don't have time to even notice my nails. He spends most of the day connected to his "other women friends" on discord chatting about their trans issues and sharing photos and basically pornographic exchages. He looks ridiculous with the hair growing out. The smell of the old-lady lotion he has started using makes me nauseated. It's going to be a long last quarter of the year until he moves out.

Hope you don't mind me popping in, I'm a regular lurker and been dealing with my DH 's AGP/fetish behaviour for a good while. I'd never read this series of threads before though, and I'm sitting here in tears now as I can see so many behaviours that you have all been faced with that I too have been dealing with.

I'm pretty sure my DH is all about the fetish, and the sissy. He has been obsessed with transwomen for some time, and has gathered a fair few on his facebook profile. They tend to be the (rather sad) type in bad wigs and corsets, we have mutual trans friends IRL who I get on well with, but I don't think they push his buttons as much.

He's always liked anal, taking it that is, in the nearly 30 years we have been together. Wasn't my thing but I would sometimes do it for him in the early days then it tailed off. He was in prison for a short while in his early 20s (long before I met him) and I suspect something probably happened there that set him off but I don't know for sure, he won't talk about it. Anyhow.....

In recent years our sex life has tailed off a bit. I wasn't overly bothered, I was dealing with the menopause and it wasn't like it went completely, it just reduced a fair bit. Then maybe 2 years ago, it got weird. I realised that he was really struggling to get an erection, and if he did he couldn't maintain it. Sex was, quite frankly, shit. He'd have a half-hearted go then just give up. He didn't cum unless I finished him off by hand. I did a bit of reading, suspected the death grip thing from porn. He denied it (of course) but I discovered he was still wanking, he had (hidden) butt-plugs, and had even bought a vaccuum pump (wtf!)

I tried to talk about it. I though it was his age (early 60s), I thought maybe he just didn't fancy me any more, I thought he'd de-sensitised himself watching porn, I offered to get him viagra, he wasn't arsed, he wouldn't discuss it, just said it was OK, he was OK and not not worry about it. Yeah cheers, I'm gagging for it here but I'll just stoop worrying about it. Aargh.

Shorty after that the gathering of the sad pornified trans on his FB began, and I realised by accidentally coming across it on our shared google drive that I rarely used that he was watching shemale porn. There was a lot of men in corsets giving each other blow jobs. i was a bit stunned, but whatever,

Turned out that was just the start of it. His best mate it appears has been a cross-dresser most of his life, came out to me and several others about a year ago after his elderly mum died. Apparently his mum knew but didn't like him doing it in public. I put 2&2 together, asked DH if he was also a cross-dresser. He said he knew about his mate but no. I didn't believe him. About the same time I found a pot of breast-enhancing cream in a bathroom drawer, he said a female friend had given it to him to try as a moisturiser as he suffers badly from chapped hands. It was just on the edge of plausible, I didn't really believe him but whatever. The idea of him cross-dressing wasn't horrific to me, I had dated a couple back in my (wilder) youth and if that was it I thought I could probably live with that. When I suggested it he clammed up again. I left it.

Fast forward to this year and things have escalated. He started shaving his chest, for the first time in 60-odd years. Then tried to hide it from me in bed, and said he just didn't like seeing the grey as it made him feel old. Hmmm. He's not very tech-savvy, and tends to do a lot of things online that pop up via the shared drive. Back in March I found out that he had been dressing up in a maid outfit and posting pictures and videos of himself online. On facebook no less, on a page called "cross-dressing she-maids". In his own name. It's basically a place where sissy men seem to gather and tell each other how much they would like to fuck each other. Shit. He'd also bought himself male chastity belt. Another wtf moment. I confronted him. He lied. I showed him the proof, he doubled down on the lying. I went ballistic at him. He sobbed, said it was just something he was curious about when he was bored (he hasn't worked in a couple of years since an injury athough he is back to more or less normal now. Says he struggles to get a job due to his age but isn't exactly trying. I pay for everything). It also looked like he's tried to message some of the new FB contacts and send them pics, although none of them had responded. I told him if it was a part of him that he wanted to explore he had my blessing but we would need to separate as it wasn't something I could live with. I told him that I didn't think I loved him any more and he needed to think about what he wanted but most of all he needed to talk to me.

Last week I discovered he had been on youtube looking for "how to buy female hormones online" and that he had ordered both breast-enlarging pills and androgen blockers. So that explained a LOT about why he couldn't get an erection. He'd also done some new pics and vids, again in the maid outfit.

I didn't explode this time, I tried to get him to talk to me. He clammed up again. So instead I poured it all out to him, how I felt sidelined, that I wasn't meeting his needs and that I felt like he was only with me because I am his meal ticket and give him a comfortable life. He cried again. He said he loves me. He said it was just a "daft idea" because of the porn, he just wondered what it felt like to be a woman, sexually. He said it would stop there, that he would delete the FB blokes in wigs, that ii was over, that it stopped right there, that he had been stupid but it was over. I asked him to bring me all his kit. Clothes, shoes, pills, toys. He said he would but he hasn't yet (it's been a week). the sad blokes are still on his FB.

If I kick him out he'll have nowhere to go. I'm beginning not to care. He initiated sex the other day and it was good, more like it used to be. I cried afterwards, while he snored beside me.

I know he's going to do it again. I know when he does he'll have to go - where is not my problem. I'm just waiting for 30 years of my life to come crashing down around my ears. I can't talk to anyone about this.

Only now I can. So I'm sorry it's long, but I already feel better just for letting it out. I'm not looking for sympathy, or even advice really. I just need to talk to someone who understands. Thanks for reading if you've got this far.

Oh Hollywood, I am so sorry. What a mess. I'm glad you feel better for getting it out.

I know exactly what all the tranny porn business is like and the inability to have actual sex.

Why is it so hard for these men to just be semi-normal?

Hollywood you seem stuck because of housing/money. You may need to make a decision to either stay put, and maybe make some rules about what you are prepared to tolerate or not. But as you are aware, he is unlikely to stick to agreed boundaries, sadly.
I wonder whether you can get some support about your legal/financial situation if you were to ask him to leave; he must be entitled to some sort of support wherever you are.
Do you want him to leave? Do you want to break up? If you can make a decision on that, regardless of the consequences for him, you could start to find out where you stand.
If you decide to stay, you may have to accept his behaviour, and live some sort of life where you are rather separate, as others have done. It's certainly not a situation I could tolerate but others have found a middle way.

I've heard versions of "it's certainly not a situation I could tolerate" enough times to realize that those who presume such things are possibly the most vulnerable to these gaslighting POS. It's always ALWAYS far more complicated than that.

@Wombatmama

I've heard versions of "it's certainly not a situation I could tolerate" enough times to realize that those who presume such things are possibly the most vulnerable to these gaslighting POS. It's always ALWAYS far more complicated than that.

TBF social has tried it so is not coming from a place of judgement.

Not sure if you're HollywoodTease Yambabe, assume so...
Sounds like he could find somewhere to go if you sold up and yes, found yourself somewhere affordable. And absolutely not your problem. You aren't in fact sure you're living with a mentally ill person, or a person experiencing gender dysphoria, so arguments about his vulnerability wouldn't wash.
It sounds as if you do in fact see splitting up as the only option; maybe you could still be friends if you weren't having to live alongside an all-consuming fetish, or be part of it.
Sadness and anger are well-recognized on this thread; many of us were and remain bewildered that partners would prioritize fetishes, dressing up as women, or pursuing transition above children, partners etc. You need to accept those feelings, and the contradictory ones about still loving them/guilt/shame, and maybe make some practical plans and decisions.
I always suggest finding out the facts about money, benefits, homes etc. so that you know what you would be dealing with if you decide to split.

Name change fail

I'm not really stuck. I'm not a high earner but I've always earned more than him.

I could buy him out if I needed to, it would mean a lifestyle change t a degree but it's possible. It would also solve his current lack of income, at least in the short term.

It's not what I really want though. I want my husband back, the man I have laughed and cried with, supported and been supported by, for nearly 30 years.

Right now the strongest feeling I have for him is pity. He's pathetic. I think part of the thrill for him is the secrecy. Since I started to find stuff, he's not sorry or ashamed, he's embarrassed. When I try to talk to him he blushes and looks at the floor like a naughty child. He's over 60 fgs.

The anger I feel is because of the lies, as much as the fetish. I was buying him viagra and he was taking fucking androgen blockers, the stupid prick.

I'd like to think we can muddle through this, move past it, still grow old together. But I'm not stupid, I've seen how it plays out for others. I don't think he'll stop even if he wants to and I know that if he follows this path to its logical conclusion I have to get out for the sake of my own sanity.

My ducks are lining up. Your move DH.

Wanting to get your husband back, but finding the current iteration of him pathetic is just not compatible I'm afraid, HollywoodTease. Once you've lost trust and respect for him, I don't think you'll ever get it back. See TooManyTears post from a few days ago.

Yes I get that. I feel like I'm detaching right now. Building a bit of a protective bubble around myself.

I was going to say you have no idea how much getting this out helps, but of course you do. You all do.

I can read it back and start to look at it objectively. Small steps but still moving.

I was going to say you have no idea how much getting this out helps, but of course you do. You all do.

There wasn't anywhere to get it out when I was going through it, so I'm pleased that there is now.

I can read it back and start to look at it objectively. Small steps but still moving.

Actually yes I remember this. When I did start telling friends it was very useful because when I started saying things out loud, I could hear how ridiculous some of the things were that I'd been putting up with.

I realise this sounds harsh but the man you want back doesn't exist and never did Hollywood. He has had this other side that he has kept hidden from you and that is who he is.

My DH has worked incredibly hard on himself. He understands fully now what he was doing and why. I don't think he'll do it again but it's too late for us. At the start I believed if he could stop we could eventually put it behind us and build on the 20 odd years we've been together to raise the dc and grow old together but he's taken something from me that I can't quite put my finger on. I honestly don't think that there's anything he could do to repair this relationship now and yet it's still something I would ideally like to happen but I've gone past that now and accepted it won't.

It is incredibly painful to grieve for what you thought you had together. Things will be difficult but you sound like you have a good understanding of the situation and can get out. I wish you the very best.

@HollywoodTease, many hugs as you're dealing with this grief. The only thing I can say is that it gets better with time... the best analogy I've heard is ocean waves in a storm, eventually the waves of grief get smaller. And dealing with the cognitive dissonance is hard, too... I still miss my husband but also want nothing to do with the person he is now.

What TooManyTears wrote is so true! In my counseling session today, my counselor really hit home when she got me to realize that I am not grieving the loss of my marriage. That's been over for a rather long time because of spouse's action and repeated rejections. What I am grieving is the loss of what could have been.

Hollywood- that detaching phase is so important. So very difficult, but necessary.

@southernTW, I hope you're holding up okay in this. I saw your comment about your spouse's timeline. Just please be ready for that to change with zero notice. My ex said he would come out to the world in ten months, that turned into "no, I'm doing this in three days" with no warning.