Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

[TinselAngel]

Who would have thought we'd make it to thread 4?

Let's have some mutual pats on the back for the amazing support women on these threads have given to other trans widows, and the accidental consciousness raising that has come about as a result of this community.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

We now have a website which has been very well recived, and if any women who have contributed to these threads would like to write their story for inclusion on the website that would be wonderful.

Do post to get the new thread going. Links to the website and previous threads will follow.

As ever our thoughts are with the women still stuck in these relationships- check in, we do worry about you.

It looks like the spousal exit clause is being retained, which is great news for trans widows in England and Wales:

twitter.com/geogovuk/status/1308337614500569093?s=21

Not sure if that link worked.

twitter.com/geogovuk/status/1308337614500569093?s=21

It's a good day for women and the often-forgotten needs and rights of partners.

@QuinnMovesOn

This is something I'm curious about... of the divorced trans widows, was anyone not the one to initiate the divorce? It feels like it's almost always the wife who walks, just from reading the threads.

I d

@QuinnMovesOn

This is something I'm curious about... of the divorced trans widows, was anyone not the one to initiate the divorce? It feels like it's almost always the wife who walks, just from reading the threads.

Apologies - accidentally pressed post early.

I divorced my AGP husband for adultery. He committed adultery 3 times with his lady penis. I also got lots of unreasonable behaviour ie emotional abuse detail in there too. He somehow got a very quick gender recognition certificate (was secretly going to a GIC for 2 years) & so was able to get his new name on the decree absolute to show me divorcing a woman for adultery.

The house was mine in my sole name that I'd owned for many years before I met him and completely paid for myself during the marriage, plus children to support too, so he got nothing.

That's ironic because if you had really been in a same sex marriage you wouldn't have been able to divorce on the grounds of adultery! (Assuming you're in England and Wales).

I want to give some general love to all the women who have posted here in light of the recent policy announcements in England and Wales.

May women on this board have said that reading our stories has made them realise that the sudden explosion of trans identities is not victimless and that AGP is most definitely a thing.

You are all brilliant

I also think of those contributors who are MIA or haven't posted for a while, including @birdbandit , @EmilyHowardsWife and @TooManyTears.

Very kind of you to remember me Tinsel I have popped back ever so often to keep up with everyone. I wanted to post but wasn't sure how long it would be and I didn't want to offend anyone but here it is.

For background about 18months ago my DH of 20 years announced he had been cd throughout our relationship. He was clearly on the edge of a breakdown so in my head I decided to stay with him for 12 months to get him on an even keel and all my ducks in a row. There were some other reasons for staying that length of time, including our 3dc. I remember just after he told me being awake all night and posting on MN in relationships and tinsel found me and bought me to this thread which has been invaluable and I can not thank her enough for what she has done.

DH did have breakdown, swore he wouldn't continue cd etc but we've heard it all before. He did see an excellent counsellor who thought he is probably autistic (as soon as this was suggested so much slotted into place so I suspect he was right) and that the cd was actually a sex addiction, and addiction is an attempt to escape or block something out. The counselor worked with him for months about his childhood, mainly and I have watched my DH grow into a new person. He has a good understanding of why he felt the need to cd, he's more open and honest about things and an all round better husband and father than he was before. However, in many ways this has left me in limbo. I always thought the cd would continue and I would leave (back in March was the plan but obviously the world had other plans). I am as sure as I can be that he isn't cd and that he won't again but our marriage is still dead. I don't feel it's fair to leave when he's done everything I wanted, day to day we actually get on better than ever and we provide emotional and financial stability for the dc but we have only been physical once in the last 15 months when I thought maybe I should try and repair things and had a lot of wine but I just don't want to. The idea of him 'dressed' repels me and even if he never does it again he still did. I have tried to explain that he's taken something from me. I was never one for loads of lacy garments but occasionally I would wear something other than the standard M&S 5 pack black briefs but I feel I can't with him now. Firstly, what if he finds the clothes more attractive than me? Secondly, I can't cope with the idea that even for a nanosecond he might think how nice it would be to wear them himself.

I still have sexuality but I no longer feel I can express it with him. Day by Day everything is good here but ultimately I'm cheating myself out of loving and being loved. I really need to see a counsellor again myself. I'm still angry that my marriage isn't what I thought it was. DH and I have spoken at length about his actions and it boils down to a shitty childhood and while I would never say anything, I resent his parents for letting him down as a boy. I have read so much about late transitioners and I keep coming back to it being a mental health issue which seems to link to childhood and our sexual expression is often linked to early experiences so while I have a good understanding of DH's behaviour I still can't accept it.

So, in conclusion, if you've got this far, I can't call myself a trans widow. I'm just another lonely woman in a loveless marriage (although that's not true either, DH does love me) but the harm was done by the same shitty society that has raised men poorly so that think they can be women without a thought for anyone else rather than actually dealing with their issues.

Anyway, very pleased to see self id is no longer going to be an option. To all of you in the midst of this, it's hell and there is no happy ending but possibly, one day, we can all get a new hopeful beginning.

Your story is very sad Too. At the end of the day I think it boils down to trust. Where does a relationship go if one party no longer trusts the other?

What you describe with your husband having counselling to discover the causes of everything is what we'd all like to happen, I think, I know it's what I wanted. So it's salutary to think that even after all that the problems don't disappear.

I think what you say about how you feel guilty that he's done so much work on himself but you're still not happy is not really fair though. He must have wanted to do the work for himself too?

I'd agree with what you say about you having more counselling if you feel it would be helpful. You deserve to have as much resource put into sorting yourself out as he has had.

@toomanytears, please try to take care of yourself, either via a counsellor or other resources.

It's not all about the AGP husband. You and I and all the rest of us deserve better than that.

My husband wanted me to stay. I refused. Even though I'm now several years post divorce and still haven't been out on a date, it is better than being trapped in that hopeless "Jennifer Boylan" marriage where my ex wanted us to live as "sisters". Because now I at least can have the hope of finding someone who will love me and isn't as fucked-up as my ex.

And even if you don't find anybody else, you're still better of!

Off!

I know tinsel. I do often think about a fresh start. I think I'd be fine on my own but, then again, it would be nice to be in a real relationship but that's not going to happen while I stay with DH. As I said the problem is that I just don't feel it anymore. Had he continued cd I absolutely would have left but our life, certainly appears, good. If he was behaving in a way that was upsetting the dc then I would leave but he really is being a good dad. I am back at work part time and he does his fair share of the housekeeping and school runs, he does all the after school clubs. In many ways things are better than ever so I don't feel I can destroy the security my dc have. I will just carry on.

The problem is that- and I say this with a very hollow laugh- he was keeping his true self hidden and now he isn't and his true self frustrates me. He used to be very emotional closed but now he tells me daily about his anxiety and depression (although the depression is largely managed with antidepressants). I think in another situation I would care (I did care at the start of all this) but he doesn't understand what he's done to me so I can't raise any interest in his problems. He would like us to seek marriage guidance but I have no interest in that. I can't envisage ever wanting to be physical with him again so we're really just friends raising our DC but if I'm honest we're not even that. As you say, when the trust is gone, what is left?

I have to wonder that given you say he had a sex addiction, how likely is it that he will be satisfied in a sexless marriage? And is his depression in any way connected to not cross dressing any more?

The still being better off if you didn't find anyone else comment, was aimed at Quinn. I know I can be blunt but I'm not so harsh that I'd say that to somebody who is still married!

@TinselAngel

I want to give some general love to all the women who have posted here in light of the recent policy announcements in England and Wales.

May women on this board have said that reading our stories has made them realise that the sudden explosion of trans identities is not victimless and that AGP is most definitely a thing.

You are all brilliant

I also think of those contributors who are MIA or haven't posted for a while, including @birdbandit , @EmilyHowardsWife and @TooManyTears.

Thank you Tinsel! I have had a number of name changes for obvious reasons but have been here throughout. Our stories have shown it's another script like the cheating husbands use. Narcissism, gaslighting, emotional abuse and mental illness.

Well done you brilliant adult human females!

Hello from across the ocean (US). I’m a trans widow in training. My husband of 15+ years informed me on August 25 that he believed himself to be a transgender woman. Personally, I think he’s having a mental breakdown brought on by a midlife crisis. He will be moving out in January. We have mostly agreed to the terms of our separation. I’m most worried about my kids. And the fact that I have been out of the workforce for 10 years. Just looking for some supper.

Not supper, support.

Welcome Southern. You are among friends here as many of us are going through this or are coming out the other side. I'm impressed at the progress you've made with a separation agreement. You seem to have acted decisively. Or did he want to leave? Either way, kids tend to be our number one priority and often not our ex-partner's as they become so self-centred . How old are your children? Do they know yet? And is he dressing up as this point? I personally felt it vital to be transparent with kids and also to ensure the father takes responsibility for the decision, and explaining it. You will have enough to do day-to-day, financially etc without having to do that work. We have differing experiences of impact on children here. It seems to depend on age and their existing relationship with him. Main thing is that you and they will survive this but it's major shock and loss and takes time. Was it a bombshell for you or did you suspect? Hope you're doing ok. For me, getting separation moving and being clear what I wanted in the midst of an entirely unwanted and devastating bombshell, helped a lot.

Speaking of children, my friend Emma from childrenoftransitioner.org is doing a webinar this afternoon

https://twitter.com/objectuk/status/1312417144852959240?s=21

Also welcome aboard SouthernTW, you're amongst friends

Haven't posted on a while; ex ended up on my sofa between flats and took a lot longer to extricate than I'd hoped. It's the third time that's happened. Never again! Tinsel will tell me off for it I know, but I can't see him on the street, and then once he's on the sofa no amount of gentle nudging gets him to shift and he refuses to do anything proactive to get himself shifted until I muster up the courage to be harsh about it. But he is gone at last, so I can breathe and gather my thoughts.

One thing that's bothering me, a thread of mine about Rapist Two of Three was linked upthread, and there's the ex too, and these two men are the only men who've ever been interested in anything more than a one night stand with me. What the hell am I doing to attract them?

Not that I'm intending to attract any more; I'm done with being groomed into performing heterosexual behaviour (as my latest namechange indicates). In better times this might have been a good time to go out and find lesbian community... Except men like our exes have driven that community back underground. Thank god there's MN at least.

I am pleased to be sitting on your shoulder as a stern (and slightly chubby) fairy Tyro, reminding you that you are not his Mum.

I too only attract fuck ups, so can offer you no help in avoiding that going forward I'm afraid.

I'm sure there is no good time for this for kids, but I feel like mine are at a particularly vulnerable age as they are both hitting puberty. My son is turning 12 and my daughter is almost 10. We are fairly religious and also homeschool, so they have been sheltered from a lot of worldly issues and now this. My son has special needs and we are already involved with a psychiatrist for him. Spouse and son have a difficult relationship already. Spouse has not been a very present parent, which he admits. I don't understand how any loving parent can do this to their children.

On the advice of his therapist, spouse doesn't want to tell the kids about his transition until he has to. We are just going to tell them he is moving out. The advice we received is to not tell the kids about the separation until a few weeks before so the plan is for after Christmas.

As far as the speed of getting things resolved. He wants to move out so that he can do all the things that I am not comfortable with (makeup, clothes, hair removal). He is taking biotin and growing out his hair and nails and "moisturizing" and using scented body lotion.

And I'm an attorney so it's important that I get the separation agreement solid. I'm not yet ready to file for divorce mostly due to financial and health insurance reasons.

There's so many different flavours of fuckups out there though, yet it's only the agps that seem to make a beeline for me. I veer between wondering whether it's worth spending much time navel-gazing about it (because the next one to show an interest will be getting short shrift) or analysing it as a part of the general field of compulsory heterosexuality. There's probably merit in the latter - we've all been and are being groomed by society to accommodate shitty male sexual behaviour, haven't we?

Agree Southern. It's hard to.imagine a loving mother making this decision. It feels profoundly selfish as a parent. My kids were a little older but the 12 year-old found it hardest. Your next decision may be an agreement with him on what he does/how he presents around the kids once he leaves, and when/how/who tells them. I'd suggest it's his responsibility and while my ex handled all pre-agreement about behaviour/dressing up and, crucially, talking to the children very badly (ignored what was agreed in terms of slow, gentle introduction/explanation) I doubt I could have influenced that much. Many women on here find agreements and boundaries broken repeatedly, so you may need low expectations and an acceptance is that you will be there to pick up the pieces, keep home safe and secure and fun, and hope that he handles this carefully. The euphoria often leads to a rush to dress up etc and little regard for children and partners. I'm glad you are professionally able to plan security for yourself and your children. I think sadly many women here will vouch that agreeing things on trust doesn't work and that older transitioned need crystal clear boundaries, and the involvement of legal certainty. Might you talk to your son's psychiatrist about this upcoming change and see what they say?

Sorry older transitioners