Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

[TinselAngel]

Who would have thought we'd make it to thread 4?

Let's have some mutual pats on the back for the amazing support women on these threads have given to other trans widows, and the accidental consciousness raising that has come about as a result of this community.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

We now have a website which has been very well recived, and if any women who have contributed to these threads would like to write their story for inclusion on the website that would be wonderful.

Do post to get the new thread going. Links to the website and previous threads will follow.

As ever our thoughts are with the women still stuck in these relationships- check in, we do worry about you.

I think I've said this before but following on from what Wombat just said, about how writing her story helped her, if any women who have already posted on the thread would like to have their story published anonymously on transwidows voices.org do please get in touch

[quote Wombatmama]Hello, this is an interview I did about being a transwidow. It is quite grim and triggery so beware. I hope this helps a few of us 💪🏼❤️[/quote]
I watched this, I understood every pause, every side look, every word. Even when you described the grooming, my god, I completely related to it.

Stuff like this needs more attention, thank you so much for standing up.

big hugs

It's great, you are calm and reasonable and impassioned. When you broaden out to generalize about other people going through this, and children, your case is rock solid. It's actually stunning and brave

I'm not a trans widow so I will only post here once, but just looking to be signposted in the right direction. My rapist ex-boyfriend is now a 'woman'. Part of me wants to laugh at the absurdity but part of me is crushed. Does anyone know of a thread or anywhere else to go to discuss this sort of thing? I suppose groups like this could understandably be private, so feel free to PM me if you don't want to share details on this thread. Or has anyone gone through a similar thing who would be willing to talk?

@itsor

I'm not a trans widow so I will only post here once, but just looking to be signposted in the right direction. My rapist ex-boyfriend is now a 'woman'. Part of me wants to laugh at the absurdity but part of me is crushed. Does anyone know of a thread or anywhere else to go to discuss this sort of thing? I suppose groups like this could understandably be private, so feel free to PM me if you don't want to share details on this thread. Or has anyone gone through a similar thing who would be willing to talk?

Hi @itsor, this thread may be of interest to you

https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3667590-to-not-call-my-rapist-Annabel

There a current thread discussing some writing about AGP that I can't remember if we discussed at the time, but that is very relevant to anybody still in the relationship

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/4022016-This-is-worth-reading

[quote TinselAngel]There a current thread discussing some writing about AGP that I can't remember if we discussed at the time, but that is very relevant to anybody still in the relationship

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/4022016-This-is-worth-reading[/quote]
And now it has been deleted by MNHQ. Apparently we are just not ALLOWED to discuss this aspect even though so many of us have lived through it. I'm really sad.

Oh FFS

I'll make sure it goes on the resources section of transwidowsvoices.org so women can still see it.

Thank you Tinsel.

My husband is a textbook AGP case. I'm learning so much. Finding this thread and transwidowsvoices.org saved my sanity. It's mind boggling that we are suffering at the hands of men with a paraphilia and yet we are shunned and pressured by society to accommodate them. Crazy stuff.

This is something I'm curious about... of the divorced trans widows, was anyone not the one to initiate the divorce? It feels like it's almost always the wife who walks, just from reading the threads.

@QuinnMovesOn

This is something I'm curious about... of the divorced trans widows, was anyone not the one to initiate the divorce? It feels like it's almost always the wife who walks, just from reading the threads.

It was important to me to divorce him for unreasonable behaviour because that's what I wanted on record as being the truth of the situation.

It's an interesting point though. Is it generally us that initiate it? I'm not sure. I'd be interested to hear what other women's experience is too.

I know one case where the wife stayed but the semi-transitioned husband suddenly decided they needed to sleep with men to feel like a proper woman.

Given these threads are for women who have left or who want to leave, I don't know how representative we are.

100% me. He wanted to stay married with me as fully-on-board female partner... I divorced him very rapidly as I wanted to divorce him, not the new and strange made-up person he had invented. I had a collaborative divorce where you sit with lawyers and thrash it out.. again my idea as I idealised it all being civil and kind (it so wasn't )
And I didn't want to sit in a room with him in a miniskirt talking in that falsetto. Much like Tinsel I wanted the end of my marriage to be reality-based and not part of the transition narrative which usually regards women and children as reasonable and inevitable collateral damage.
Welcome Living.

How you initiate to leave this kinda type men?. I wanna try to leave my husband but kids and financially always make me hard to do that.

@Slymee

How you initiate to leave this kinda type men?. I wanna try to leave my husband but kids and financially always make me hard to do that.

I just put the house in the market and said I was going. I moved into rented with the help of my parents, and then housing benefit until benefits were sorted.

Get professional assistance. There are potential financial traps, like your soon-to-be ex creating a lot of debt. Transition is expensive and I told my ex bluntly that I wasn't going to pay for it.

I also strongly recommend finding a counsellor or an in-person (or online, these days) support group. I feel like I didn't really start my recovery until I was in therapy and a good support group.

Free initial session with a solicitor to find out where I stood re. house/money.
Saving cash.
Talking to supportive friends and family.
Ascertaining what I wanted (divorce, full custody, to be able to buy him out of he house, clean break, minimal disruption to kids).
You lose nothing by doing some research and planning even if you decide to stay, or stay until the kids are older.
Are you in the UK Slymee ? Married?

@socialworker222

Free initial session with a solicitor to find out where I stood re. house/money. Saving cash. Talking to supportive friends and family. Ascertaining what I wanted (divorce, full custody, to be able to buy him out of he house, clean break, minimal disruption to kids). You lose nothing by doing some research and planning even if you decide to stay, or stay until the kids are older. Are you in the UK Slymee ? Married?

No I live in US and married, Kinda hard when you had little kids

It is hard.

Leaving was the hardest thing I've ever done, (with my young child), but it was so worth it.

Maybe starting by talking through your situation with trusted people. And trying to work out what you ideally want. It's the hardest period of my entire life, leaving and divorcing under these weird isolating circumstances, and in the current climate of trans celebration... But I have come through it better without my ex.