Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

[TinselAngel]

Who would have thought we'd make it to thread 4?

Let's have some mutual pats on the back for the amazing support women on these threads have given to other trans widows, and the accidental consciousness raising that has come about as a result of this community.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

We now have a website which has been very well recived, and if any women who have contributed to these threads would like to write their story for inclusion on the website that would be wonderful.

Do post to get the new thread going. Links to the website and previous threads will follow.

As ever our thoughts are with the women still stuck in these relationships- check in, we do worry about you.

What courage you have to have done this powerful interview, Wombatmama. Thank you for doing it and explaining so clearly the risks inherent in rebranding AGP from a sexual fixation into an identity. I am reminded of a Julie Burchill quote:

As with most liberal sexual ideas, what makes the world a better place for men invariably makes it a duller and more dangerous place for women.

I'm sure I posted on this thread. Nothing controversial, just acknowledging how difficult it was to listen to the interview & that it's important it's heard?

@MNHQ Have you deleted my comment? I've had nothing notifying me? What have a I said that warrants a deletion here?

Genuinely puzzled with this?

This is an amazing interview - thank you Wombatmama for having the courage to do this.
We need to talk about AGP and the risks this brings to women.

I've just finished watching @Wombatmama and I just want to thank you doing this. I could hear you reliving these horrific experiences as you were talking and I appreciate that it must hurt you to talk about it, especially in this very public way. I had the luxury of being able to pause the video to take a break. You didn't get that luxury. I am so sorry you had to go through any of it.

I felt a bit sick at times and angry for you when you spoke about the woman who turned on you, and desperately sad when you spoke about your children agreeing with the mantra and thinking of you are being wrong. I have no idea how you navigate that, I send you strength for that in particular.

It is because of @TinselAngel that I have learnt about trans widows, and because you both, and other trans widows like you speaking up, that we can even talk about this (the thing we cannot name here), and it's clearer than ever before that we need to keep talking about it (even when we can't name it with abreviations).

It's an old saying, but it's true, courage speaks to courage. I'm so glad you sound happy and have clearly done so much, been through so much, to get to where you are now.

I hope I don't sound patronising in saying this, but I'm proud of you. Women like you, women in your situation, need to know they are not alone. It is only by sharing that they will know what it happening is real and has happened before. I am thinking of you today.

Thank you.

Hi tinselangel. I'd like to add my thanks for your bravery in helping women. Sorry for bothering you but I just wanted to check something with you. I just watched (the first half of) Graham Lineham's interview with Jennifer on YouTube. It is a really important story for people to hear, and is horrific. She is so brave to tell it, and it has a lot of important information for women. I'm just wondering about the level of detail being shown on YouTube. I've worked with men who would get off on listening to women talking about abuse. I'm wondering if the full video could be made less available to potential abusers. What do you think?
I'm not usually on this thread, but send love to you all xxx

Apologies wombatmama I've just realised that you're here and that I hadn't read the end of the thread. It is just gutting what he did to you. You are so so brave to talk about it in order to help others. There are so many points in there about how abusing controlling men work. Thank you xxxx

@stella47

Hi tinselangel. I'd like to add my thanks for your bravery in helping women. Sorry for bothering you but I just wanted to check something with you. I just watched (the first half of) Graham Lineham's interview with Jennifer on YouTube. It is a really important story for people to hear, and is horrific. She is so brave to tell it, and it has a lot of important information for women. I'm just wondering about the level of detail being shown on YouTube. I've worked with men who would get off on listening to women talking about abuse. I'm wondering if the full video could be made less available to potential abusers. What do you think? I'm not usually on this thread, but send love to you all xxx

To clarify, I've not been involved in the production of the video at all.

I think if women are unable to speak about their abuse, in case it is of interest to other abusers, then the result of that is women being silenced. The good done by this being heard will by far outweigh any detriment caused by voyeurs.

Thanks tinselangel. You're right of course. I thought this would be the best place to check.

I think that my discomfort was that it's a man questioning a woman about sexual issues. Having said that I massively appreciate what GL is doing, and that he is using his platform to highlight these things.

Wombatmama

I have to say Stella I felt a bit uncomfortable at times for that same reason, given the deeply personal nature of the subject and male/female dynamic but it was clear that Jennifer contacted Glinner and he grimaced at the same points I did.

Yes, I realised he had the same discomfort that I did, it was other men watching that I was thinking of.
wombatmama, on top of the rest of the whole thing, what you said at the end about trans children and the atmosphere being created for them was just so spot on, so well put. Thank you for everything that you are doing to protect women and girls.

[quote Wombatmama]Hello, this is an interview I did about being a transwidow. It is quite grim and triggery so beware. I hope this helps a few of us 💪🏼❤️[/quote]
Thank you for doing this interview and thank you @Glinner for it too. So many similarities with my ex apart from the fact he hid the truth from me for most of our relationship and just abused me and blamed me for his rage

And I love your part at the end when you do passionately stand up for trans kids' safety 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I don't think it is a good idea to engage much with comments on YouTube about the video because I know there will be some people with nefarious purposes, and I have to protect myself but I do want share a few thoughts.

There are women expressing anger and frustration with me and I get that. I was furious with myself for a long time, too. Still am sometimes. Especially for having kids with this guy when I knew he was flawed. I didn't realize just how deeply flawed until after the kids were all here but the point about taking responsibility stands. I do take responsibility. There's power in that process and it helped me get to the place where i could do the interview.

I wanted to get into the worst parts of the abuse to show the depths of mental illness displayed by some AGPs. You know, the men who either don't exist or we are told to blindly, uncomplainingly accept as women. Unless the interview was hours long, I couldn't really talk about much else and I decided what needed to be out there was the profile of an abusive AGP. So I think I looked very much the one dimensional victim. I kinda hate that but me looking good wasn't the point.

None of us are one dimensional victims. We use whatever agency we have to try to navigate through this messed up world in one piece, often with kids in tow. We're all in the same minefield and finding a consistently sound partner can seem almost impossible. I know I was pretty cynical about finding one even when young. So I would try to measure acceptable degrees of imperfect. I know I settled and put up with altogether too much and had kids with a gaslighting thug and the kids now pay a price. I was young and naively proud to think I could make up for his inadequacies as a dad by being just that much more of a mum.

I am not so deluded now and I have what (sadly) might be useful - experience with the worst aspects of agp. So I'm going to keep on hollering as much as I can so maybe some vulnerable young ones hear me and it keeps them safe. Or as safe as possible apart from living alone up a mountain. And maybe women who've been there won't beat themselves up as much. So many women hear me, they get it. I knew they would. There are so many of us affected by this and we are never solely to blame for our actions, this creepyweirdo-enabling society sucks. We do our best. And this part is a big hope, maybe some of the extremists with some heart left will listen and do better, for everyone.

I think what made the situation most befuddling for me was the sexual aspect. It was confusing to me. I kept trying t "fix" it or myself or him. I was in a mess but always thought I was working my way out. The man didn't hit me. He didn't call me names. He revealed his sexism, yes, but I thought I was somehow beyond it because I recognized it for what it was and fought against it. I fought the whole way. I never shut up. Never going to either. I hope that ends up being a good thing! I think I better take a quiet seat for now but thank you all for the love and support and back at ya! ❤️

Sage advice re YT comments Womb - I almost commented there but my ExH is no doubt waiting for evidence he can screenshot that I'm a TERF. Thanks again.

@Wombatmama, you're so brave. I'm so sorry for what he did to you. Some of the stuff sounds EXACTLY like my ex - I guess they read from the same playbook. Thank you for speaking out.

@Wombatmama, amazing interview and thank you for doing this. And yes, is there some playbook online for AGP? Because each of these people think that they are some special snowflake but our stories are all so similar.

I could make up for his inadequacies as a dad by being just that much more of a mum.

This is the one I am so unhappy about with myself, especially now that DD is struggling with mental health issues. I try to make up for my ex's parental absence, but the reality is that I chose a spouse so poorly and my kids are also paying a price for that.

I sent this message in via the Transwidows website contact form but am ravid for answers as this is something I haven't been able to explain, apologies in advance for duplication. During my experience, I thought my AGP was drunk or high. Does anyone know what the following "physical peculiarities" signify?

"He had two physical peculiarities: his eyes were a very pale blue and the rims were noticeably pink. So his eyes always looked tired, as if he was straining to focus."

@G00dbyeH0rses

I sent this message in via the Transwidows website contact form but am ravid for answers as this is something I haven't been able to explain, apologies in advance for duplication. During my experience, I thought my AGP was drunk or high. Does anyone know what the following "physical peculiarities" signify?

"He had two physical peculiarities: his eyes were a very pale blue and the rims were noticeably pink. So his eyes always looked tired, as if he was straining to focus."

Sorry, I don't know and I've not had a request to the website.

I should think that what you describe is very likely not peculiar to AGP's though.

Thank you @TinselAngel. Do you (or anyone) have insight as to what would make it not peculiar?

@G00dbyeH0rses

Thank you *@TinselAngel*. Do you (or anyone) have insight as to what would make it not peculiar?

Did he use a lot of drugs/ alcohol? It could well be that plus being really knackered staying up all night on the Internet etc.

Wombatmama your experience is almost the same as mine apart from the behaviour during pregnancy, he just displayed his jealousy. I also have 3 kids and escaped with the help of womens aid. However I have been to ashamed and guilt ridden to tell people exactly what went on. Thank you for doing the interview. It also shows that glinner is the lovely supportive man he's always seemed to be. Xx

Thank you for confiding in me, friends❤️. I felt the same things you all describe and I still do a bit when I see people laying into me online, especially about the kids. I hope the interview will make us all feel less isolated and embarrassed and at least take the edge off the leftover feelings we deal with because the weight of them can hold us hostage well after we extricate ourselves from these men. Writing my story and sending it to transwidows really helped me know there are women who understand and won't judge. We can heal and thrive faster together, I think. You are all my dear sisters.

And Graham is a gem. I asked him to give me a voice and he did. He was so kind and open to giving me a platform so I could be heard and maybe help others in similar situations. I felt safe, no pressure, no agenda, he just listened and gave gentle support. We need more Grahams in this world. A lot more.

Thank you for that interview. You have been so brave and strong.