Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

[TinselAngel]

Who would have thought we'd make it to thread 4?

Let's have some mutual pats on the back for the amazing support women on these threads have given to other trans widows, and the accidental consciousness raising that has come about as a result of this community.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

We now have a website which has been very well recived, and if any women who have contributed to these threads would like to write their story for inclusion on the website that would be wonderful.

Do post to get the new thread going. Links to the website and previous threads will follow.

As ever our thoughts are with the women still stuck in these relationships- check in, we do worry about you.

@TinselAngel furthermore, the DARVO tactics are shocking, I fell dreadful because part of my not telling friends and family what he is really like dies, is some way, make me look idiotic and I'm preserving my own ego? I just wish I'd have run for the hills, however, something stopped me and I feel I have to take responsibility for the fact. Hours and hours of observing him taking cocaine and then poem. I'd tentatively asked him to stop but he wouldn't. It seems because he'd told me "what I am", it's excusable. I don't think it is. It is not benign, it's pernicious

*porn not poem

@TinselAngel some days I wake up thinking, "My God, he's a total narc who treated you appallingly!"
Other days I wake thinking "God, I hope he is okay and not being taking advantage of"
The latter, if I were to burden you with the goings on is utterly asinine. Why do I feel this way? Some days, I honestly think I've been groomed by him, other days, I am so angry! Is it me? Should I care? Am I being an idiot, was this his plan?
I just don't know. It's a burden I've never experienced ever before and one o think, in my rational moments, is something you would not, if you lived a person, you would ever lay at another's door...

So sorry to ramble on.

Thank you for giving me an outlet x

I don't know what would be worse, porn or poems

It's never benign, you are right. AGP is always damaging to women either directly because actual women are coerced into participating in it or indirectly because it perpetuates a patriarchal submissive view of female sexuality.

Why are you still so worried about what happens to him when you are not together any more? I think when you've been used to being in crisis management mode for a long time, it can be difficult to let go. I know this sounds harsh but not your circus, not your monkeys.

You need to find some peace with the fact that you have no control over the situation- in reality you never really did, any control you thought you had was wishful thinking

Yes you need to let go of any "responsibility" you feel towards him. I'm finally at the point that I have no feelings towards my ex apart from occasional irritation about what a useless father he is on behalf of our daughter. The relationship is over and you need to cut the ties in every way. Counselling would be a way to tell your truth and close this chapter and move forward with your life.

@TinselAngel @MonkeyBusinessLads Thank you got your wise words. I suppose there is an element of grief for the other person he was, the majority of the time. Bumping along quite nicely until the Amazon delivery dropped, with more and more frequency in the latter months, of literally 50 pairs of tights, bought in a seeming frenzy, and the following feeling of dread knowing I'd have to witness a weekend of his debauchery and posturing. I'd then be torn by thinking, let him get on with it and feelings of outrage that I should have to...
Having read all of your accounts, I believe I'm right in thinking these episodes will not dissipate - the escalation will only become worse regardless of my feelings...

Counselling is essential. Speak tyoye emolyer/hr as they may have an arrangement with an organisation or speak to your gp. If all else fails, pay, but you can't do this without thus kind of support

Having read all of your accounts, I believe I'm right in thinking these episodes will not dissipate - the escalation will only become worse regardless of my feelings...

You are exactly right and should hold onto that.

Incidentally, tights FFS? Most women go out of their way to avoid wearing them. 🙄

@TinselAngel Thank you! Indeed! Bloody tights!
What is worse is he favoured the American Tan type - ugh! The ambivalence I mentioned, previously, was in relation to the tights ( don't get me wrong, there were other items but tights were special) and general choices which were, very 'benign' not the sexed up choices of other AGPs. My incredulity regarding the 'special place' of tights, I know, offended him. It was all so naff! I know, working in the sector he does, means he liked the sexy secretary look and often tried to persuade me into attire which is not my taste at all, however, his taste in negligees/underwear/dresses was very, as I said, Grattan catalogue circa 1985. Upon reflection, I'm now wondering if my not particularly taking the cross dressing seriously was because of the fancy dress look rather than the porno look? 🤔
I'm now beginning to think it's tied to his mother and her tastes at the time he became eroticised by 'women's' clothes...
Which makes it worse...

@Iworkmiricles Thank you for your advice. I work in education so could not possibly share with our counsellor as I'm sure any objection to the Trans umbrella would be met with a brick wall. I will go private as I think you are all correct - I seriously need to offload...

I am someone who writes a journal of sorts - it's more of a recording of what I cannot say out loud.
I feel brave enough to post my latest journal due to the fact I no longer feel so alone having interacted on this forum - I cannot tell you what a relief my being able to express myself has helped me...
Here goes...

I think it’s fair to say I have worked things out. I think on many levels you did love me. You loved the qualities you saw mirrored in yourself, our commonalities.
I also think it’s fair to say you also loved the physical qualities in me you wish to possess if, indeed, you were a woman. I think you picked fights with me due to frustration. A frustration led by the fact I just was not the whole package. I think you truly wanted me but you knew I was ambivalent to the person you are truly in a relationship with.
It is my belief you have a sexual orientation that is inward. Your craving for cross dressing is a craving to be with your true love, yourself as a woman.
I, and no other woman, for that matter can compete with that.
For me, the disproportionate reactions, the hyper-sensitivity, the false equivalence all makes sense now...
You loved me but just not as much as you love your alter-ego. You wanted me to love ‘her’ as much as you do . I was ambivalent to her and that not only offended you but caused you to feel resentment toward me.
I have been the ‘other woman’.
You will never give her up and I now understand this.
I am only sorry that you ever embarked on your affair with me because it was me who was truly the other woman.
I will always love you and I will treasure the good times. I care about you but I fear that care was never reciprocated
You do not know what you do x

I think that is probably a pretty accurate assessment with regards to him, (dressing as his Mum is a bit Norman Bates though 😱), the only thing I'd disagree with is that you'll always love him.

Some time and perspective will help with that, but also they usually start behaving so appallingly post break up that the love gets killed.

God, I'm a cynical old witch these days.

Illaria,

I'm late to your posts, but what you say about your ex is so familiar to me: a choice of dress that seems to echo his mother's era and the time he would have become eroticised; the fixation on tights.

My ex favored 1960s era white cotton slips, and told me directly that his mother caught him in one of hers, and that's the reason he wanted one.  He also wanted me to shave his legs and then to put tights on him, and would send me selfies of his legs in various pairs of them.  I thought this fixation was due to the fact that his legs were the one part of his body that bore a closer resemblance to a woman's body (although he certainly liked bras, too, and photographing himself in them).  

But the other thing I wanted to address is his continuing hold over your thoughts, which I suspect is due to the trauma you experienced. The way this experience affects your sense of your own sexuality and femininity, your own identity as a woman, the way their dual focus on themselves as women and on you, the airless isolation of their closet--these are particular poisons with an afterlife in your psyche.

I'm more than two years on from moving out, and just under two years post-divorce, and I still can't even think of my ex without a shadow of that madness stealing over me, and if I happen to cross paths with himever seeing his carthat feeling is even more pronounced.

Talking back to him as you are doing in your journal is one good antidote.

@TinselAngel I’m right there with you at cynical clink. Still in the middle of it but the last narc rage a few weeks back and the outrageous things said to me stamped out any last feeling I had. The person I initially met was never real.

@illaria the journaling you are doing and adding in things you’d like to have said seems like a great idea. The AGP in my home also started with just dressing and I had no clue how it would escalate.

@WalkedAway you summed up this feeling so perfectly. “ The way this experience affects your sense of your own sexuality and femininity, your own identity as a woman, the way their dual focus on themselves as women and on you, the airless isolation of their closet--these are particular poisons with an afterlife in your psyche. ”

@WalkedAway @SeasideM I used to be very confident would my looks and my sexuality. He has made me feel as though I'm a prude. He would counter by saying "but darling, you are sexy blah blah.." but he knew the seed had been planted. The more he said it, the more reassure I felt because I knew he didn't mean it. He used to say, whilst utterly inebriated that he wanted to be stroked and made to feel sexy in his crap tights and nylon nighties. In one frank conversation, post one of his binges, I tried to make a comparison. Imagine if I liked dressing in Y fronts and wearing riggers boots, whilst staggering around watching porn, would he stroke me? He said "yes" (he wouldn't have) I countered that that would be generous but I couldn't force you to be aroused by it if of you engaged.
It seems that was what he just couldn't get. I was okay with him turning him self one (albeit a sad, solitary exercise) but he required me to be aroused too. He'd talk of past partners and how they'd engaged.
Now, tell me if I'm wrong but if they really were on board, aroused, why are they exes?!?
The cognitive dissonance is astounding not to mention the sheer lack of self awareness and narcissism

I can be going about my business, happily enough and then it hits me like a sledgehammer - how the hell have I become the villain in this narrative? How am I the prude, the unreasonable partner, the one who doesn't measure up?

It's bloody mind blowing!

I've realised today he has blocked me on WhatsApp - why? What an absolute weapon! I had no intention of messaging him anyway but it's a reminder of the gatekeeping, the arbitration which was so prevalent

@TinselAngel re Norman Bates - I recall a time we took his (dreadful) mother away and she was talking about how she'd make her boys brush her hair for hair *ugh

*her - apols for typos

(not envy)

Ilaria if you would like a recommendation of a private psychotherapist I saw via Skype who specialises in narcissistic abuse and has increasing experience in helping trans widows private message me. I had around 8 sessions in all and it changed everything for me. She gave me lots of resources and homework to do so it was very directed and targeted rather than someone just listening and nodding.

it was me who was truly the other woman
Well-written Ilaria. I think it's completely normal to ruminate on what happened, what it meant, was was true/false, who they were/weren't, what lies were told and was what sincere... eventually I got to the point of realizing I would probably never 'know' for sure the answers to those questions, and even if given them by him (in some future scenario where we could have a full and frank discussion), I probably wouldn't believe him or find peace. The answer for me didn't end up with him, but with me letting go of needing to know, accepting I never would, and trying to leave it be. Took me several years mind you.
And re. therapy, I hope you find someone good as I did; this isn't centrally about the 'trans' thing, but about betrayal, your sense of self and your life narrative, and what you want in your future. Agree that unfortunately counselling isn't always neutral or helpful as soon as rainbow issues arise.... good luck.

@MonkeyBusinessLads I think that would be helpful, thank you.
@socialworker222 it's very difficult to navigate, emotionally. As it's the weekend approaching, I'm now back to worrying about him as I know he is likely to indulge and the fear of something dreadful happening (due to the desire for risky behaviour) now he no longer has a minder of sorts, has returned....

@socialworker222 “ about betrayal, your sense of self and your life narrative, and what you want in your future” —very much this!