Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

[TinselAngel]

Who would have thought we'd make it to thread 4?

Let's have some mutual pats on the back for the amazing support women on these threads have given to other trans widows, and the accidental consciousness raising that has come about as a result of this community.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

We now have a website which has been very well recived, and if any women who have contributed to these threads would like to write their story for inclusion on the website that would be wonderful.

Do post to get the new thread going. Links to the website and previous threads will follow.

As ever our thoughts are with the women still stuck in these relationships- check in, we do worry about you.

Nothing changed in my situation in a practical sense but finding the more I read on narcissism and now on codependency (for me) the more able I have been to look at things less personally and at least feel better while stuck here. Speaking more about the angry tirades than the new costume (still only costume, no adoption of ‘women’s work‘ so I still get that) but not likely they are not intertwined.

On the practical front, doing a little here and there to protect finances. Those are thankfully all under my control.

Sounds good Seaside. Any steps you can take, however small, to protect your future, are really worthwhile and taking those kind of actions made me feel hopeful and competent again.
Any progress on finding counselling for you?

@Milotic, it sounds like you are depressed to a very dangerous level. Please consider calling an emergency hotline.

SeasideMaureen I think what you are doing is very sensible, it helps to know we're not isolated individuals going through something unique that might somehow be our fault. Finding out how what has happened to us fits recognised pattens, is helpful.

@socialworker222

Relationships thread here won't understand because the abuse is tied in with the trans stuff. This is tied in to the trans stuff as it's about hating the fact that @Milotic is female, a woman. This is very similar to what happened to me.

Well, update on my divorce. The attorney was able to get a virtual hearing date for July 28. So I will be divorced from the man I loved and trusted unconditionally for 12 yrs via zoom. This man no longer exists, after bottom surgery and FFS and a legal name change. I have forgiven but cannot forget, all I went thru before transition to keep the marriage on the tracks. How much money was spent on therapy and rehab? Thousands for sure. How much pain and tears and I never knew the real reason for his deep depressions and inability to keep a job.

After months of feeling like I was on the uptick, I am now back to feeling like a very sad person. Can't beleive this is finally going to happen and I was completely unaware of this hidden persona for my entire marriage. And now "she" is dating online and meeting couples to explore her new found sexuality. Our sex life was pretty shit, now she is seemingly horny all the time. And of course, its my fault, I did not want to be a "lesbian" with her.

When she finally moves out from the guest room, I will be a wreck. The next step after divorce will be the refinancing and all the paperwork that comes with it.

I wish I never hear the word trans.

East, I think you are grieving and that is perfectly natural. Also you're angry, which is a part of grief but also you've got every bloody right to be angry because something really shit and unfair has happened to you.

As my friends and I always say though, imagine how much worse it would have been if you'd stayed together?

This is probably the worst bit, and after that you will be free.

Remember you are escaping from an abusive relationship and this is your chance to be free. You don't have to hear about what exciting things they are doing any more. (I can guarantee it's not quite how it's being portrayed!). My ex was initially "having the time of their life" but 3 years on, they are totally alone in a tiny rented 1 bed flat, in massive debt, washing dishes for a few hours a week on a zero hour contract, cut off by all their old friends and being ignored by their children most of the time.

East, congratulations on this next step. Something that the lead facilitator in my divorce group said to me... your ex spent years thinking about this before springing the surprise on you, presumably with the expectation that this would end in divorce. So they are two or three years further in "divorce recovery" than you are, having emotionally left long before you even knew what was coming. My ex was the same, getting into a new relationship fairly quickly, long before I even wanted to think about dating.

Eventually you'll no longer be entangled with this person on a daily basis. From my experience, that's when my life became so much better.

Thank you all for the kind words. The strange thing is I still miss my husband, yet in other ways I am so angry at how he has treated me, yet I still worry about this person. I need to stop caring.

My ex was my best friend, and I am a middle aged woman with no children and no close friends nearby. I have always found it exceedingly hard to make friends. Most of my close friends live in UK, from my uni days in London. I feel very isolated and am going to speak to my counselor next week. Why do I still depend on an emotional level, from someone who has put me in this shitty situation?!

Quinn you are right, she has been thinking about this for many years, and the secrecy continues. So many wasted years...

Hi East. It may be impossible to 'stop caring'; accepting that you feel so conflicted may be more realistic. You can care about them, worry about them, and feel really angry with them, and sad for losing them, and relieved at escaping them, all at once. I found that 'washing machine' of emotion really difficult, but fighting it is difficult.
It's a massive loss in the most difficult and unusual circumstances. You certainly need some time (I can't tell you how much that helps, and changes things naturally) and counselling.
And yes, never forget how long they've had to get used to this.
It really can get better; your feelings meanwhile are entirely reasonable and yes, very contradictory. That's the nature of this and a sign of what that relationship meant for you. It also says a lot about your capacity for love which bodes well for the future...

I remember feeling that way, East. I was heartbroken immediately after the split because despite everything I still loved him. Fortunately his reckless behaviour put a stop to that fairly quickly.

Can you think of anything that you've always fancied trying but haven't had the energy to do, due to all your energy being sapped away by your situation? If it's a new hobby with the possibility of making new friends then that's good but there's no pressure to rush into meeting new people, just do something you enjoy.

You've got the time now to decide who you want to be, going forward.

As part of my therapy, I write about my experiences. However, I want to divorce myself emotionally while I do this.

I'm going to write in my journal about the abuse I endured, then I've started writing a paper of sorts, an essay, on my journey. I'm a student academic, so I'm not going to write an essay without including source material. I don't know how long it will be. I will be using theories and studies, because there's a part of me that wants a genuine dialogue or argument to be well researched.

I don't know if I'll do anything with it when I'm done.

I had a conversation with a lady who had started transitioning late teens. She now works with lgbt young people.
she was horrified at what I was putting up with, couldn't believe how selfish s/he was and this is not the trans thing but their mindset and attitude to life.
I'm struggling at the moment as s/he hasn't been able to get the horman treatment for nearly two weeks, so they are presenting as make and it's almost like I am getting my husband back. This is going to make telling them I want a divorce, their name off the mortgage and the fact they are in the house is effecting the kids wellbeing to tougher.

Has anyone else found that once you leave the coercive control of your partner that your adult children appear to fill the space he left behind.

East it really is difficult and the grief alone is bound to send you up and down. Losing someone that is physically still there but at the same time so very much not there has been so surreal.

Miracles it must be tough right now. So sorry it is extra difficult now. The person you talked to that mentioned about mindset/attitude...I’m starting to see that as well at home. Even without this change the ridiculous things I’m hearing from them lately has shown me I’d still struggle to remain in this relationship were the identity issues evaporate. Many other things going on alongside the identity making one giant mess.

Finding that the person I initially met was a fiction in lots of ways. Lots of red flags not even tied to identity that I missed, many I didn’t miss but chose to ignore, and no way to go back and jump out earlier. Just some of the things they say have me wondering who on Earth this person is!

Seaside, I know what you mean about the flags and looking back at all the times I should have left, the times that things happened that are almost worse than they are now, but I stuck with it because I wanted a balanced life for me girls, and the thought of being a lone was worse. That I would have failed. Now I see that I should have gone, but it's too late now. My eldest doesn't want us to split, but I don''t see how I can stay. Today has been great, they have been helpful, chatty and offering to do a few things, but equally, we were sorting out a bill and they were just so flipping slow and clicking from screen to screen so I couldn't work out what was happening.
My plan of saying something this week is going out of the window too, as I have managed to get child 1 away, but child 2 is refusing, so is doing something else, but that is moving a day and a day further away.
I feel awful saying something when things are good, but then again, is better to say something now whilst they are in a better frame of mind? I sometimes think "hey, I am really strong" but that's all in my own head, when I talk to someone, I am actually a woman on the edge.

mirikles, I think what you are missing here is a feminist analysis of what you are describing. A male transitioner is likely to behave differently to a female transitioner due to male entitlement. Women are used to not getting what we want, we're trained for it from the cradle. Men are not.

@Cadanita1

Has anyone else found that once you leave the coercive control of your partner that your adult children appear to fill the space he left behind.

What I have found, and apologies if I'm barking up the wrong tree here for anybody else, is that I've noticed similarities in my own behaviour when I deal with DD to when I dealt with her Dad or my subsequent partner.

So things that she does or says can make me feel the same way as I did before because it triggers something from the past, I can then respond in a way that isn't particularly helpful.

I don't know if this will ring any bells?

@TinselAngel that is a really good point about them being used to male entitlement.

Even besides the identity change the person I met initially never existed. Some days the bizarre things now (the drama with new friends is just mind boggling to listen to...guessing it is the second puberty I hear about? Very childish and annoying.) helps with detaching and then other days the grief comes to the front. Resolution seems so far off on the down days.

I feel like I'm in Social's "washing machine" of emotions right now, I think because of some stuff that came up in counseling today. Anger, grief, resentment. I feel like there's never going to be an end to this. Though I can look back and see that I'm better over time, it just feels like it's taking forever to get past my divorce.

Hi, I've been following you all for sometime. I finally feel able to post. I feel I am going through the most awful of grieving period for my relationship of the last four years. My now ex partner is a cross dresser but I am the only person who knows this. I feel such a burden is on my shoulders as I worry about him and his pursuits but I also cannot confide in anyone about why our relationship ended or indeed, why I am filled with such grief and fear. I feel as though I am stuck and cannot liberate myself and wash the relationship way. I find it very hard to lie and because of this, I am finding myself increasingly engaging in solitary behaviour, avoidance tactics in order to avoid talking about my ex and the reasons I could not continue with the relationship. I just can't bring myself to betray him ( although his behaviour toward me has been shocking) or indeed, have to explain why I ever excepted and tolerated his behaviour
I feel like such a fool...

Yes the grief is very real.

Hi @illaria can I ask why you feel you can't tell anybody?

Obviously if he's cross dressing in secret it's better that you don't shout it from the rooftops but aren't there any trustworthy friends or relatives that you can confide in? You need to be able to talk about it.

Part of the strain of being in these relationships is being the secret keeper. You shouldn't feel obliged for this to continue after the relationship is over if it's detrimental to your own mental health. I also think talking about it would help you stop worrying about him, because I'd hope whoever you talked to would tell you it's not your circus to worry about any more

@illaria, counseling really helped me, it might be something to consider. These situations are such a mind fuck, I know I needed professional help to even start the process of moving past this.

@TinselAngel thank you so much for responding. I suppose it's because I'm embarrassed. When we first met, he told me it was benign, just a bit of fun. I was, from the outset very ambivalent - I soon learned that my response was not what he wanted to hear - he wanted to be praised and lorded - however, I digress. Initially, I thought "Okay, I'm fine with this". It took a year for him to gradually become confident - tights are his thing. In the meantime, I began reading (Blanchard et al) and became an ally. When I say this, I mean I wanted to defend a person who wants to wear tights in his own home as something separate from being an all out AGP. The more I read, the uneasier he became. I now believe he would pick fights with me because I was critical of - ie didn't believe that dressing like an extra from Grattan's catalogue circa 1985 makes you a woman. What I didn't realise is my nonchalant approach would lead to what I regard as a complete assault on me. I thought I was letting him off / separating him from the aggressive TRA movement. I now think he resented me for that and I can't possibly come clean as all friends and family know I'm a GC feminist
His cross dressing is led by stress and always involve class A consumption - I just couldn't be around it anymore. In short, It is not benign, my indifference became a problem and a figurative stick to beat me with.
He is a prominent lawyer and despite his treatment of me, I feel I cannot betray him.
My fear is that he will be found dead, in tights