Forced to share a room with a TW

[ILoveJKR]

I am in a quandary and cannot talk about this in real life so I hope some of you can understand. Some background information for explanation.
I have a hobby which is mostly male orientated but which a lot of women indulge in too. The hobby has several different ways of enjoying it, think cycling where you can compete, or go for days out, or challenge yourself, visit museums or exhibitions devoted to this hobby, etc. I also belong to several clubs for this hobby.
I met a TW who happens to like the same part of the hobby as I enjoy, so we are often together indulging our shared interest. I care for TW in the same way as I would care for any human being, but I cannot really say the TW is a friend. We have no shared experiences, TW is a bit awkward and over-sensitive socially and looks and mostly behaves like a man but because we are together so often everyone assumes that we are besties.
I have twice shared accommodation with TW on hobby trips (my choice) but I always get changed in the loo and leave the room when TW gets changed. I'm accepting that people can live however they like but males should not be in female spaces.
So, onto my dilemma. One of my clubs has organised an overnight trip to a competition with 5 men and 3 women and TW. The man organising the trip does not know TW is a TW and the two other women do not know TW is a TW. Their only contact to date is via a watsapp group and TW uses a feminine name.
I know that it will be assumed that I invited TW on the trip. But the person joined my club and booked without ever discussing it with me. Free country and all that, I cannot control who joins what club and who books on what trip, but the organiser has put us 3 women and TW in one room (cheap hostel accommodation). And I know that there will be awkwardness for the other two women when they find out they are sharing with an XY person. And I know it will come back on me because everyone assumes TW is my 'friend'.
This is a real-life example for me that we cannot allow this fiction to continue. Men cannot become women and women should not be forced to share their spaces.

I missed a word out. Imagine you're the transwoman. You think OP is your friend. OP then rings around and tells everyone about you.
Make sense now?

In that case surely if the transwoman is genuinely just wanting to live their life without making anyone else feel uncomfortable or intimidated, they'd be happy enough for the OP to warn people in advance? The last thing they'd want is to arrive and see that the other woman were upset or frightened by them.

On the other hand, if they believe that their right to be validated outstrips the women's right to feel comfortable, why would anyone care about their feelings, since they'd be making it clear that they don't care about anyone else's?

So one way or another, why would telling other people in advance be a bad thing?

Helpfulperson and Limpbizkit both referred to the OP as the TW's friend and there were others. The OP picked Helpful up on it so she noticed. The OP wrote

I cannot really say the TW is a friend. We have no shared experiences, TW is a bit awkward and over-sensitive socially and looks and mostly behaves like a man but because we are together so often everyone assumes that we are besties.

They are regarded by the other club members as friends. If there aren't many women involved in this hobby (my female partner used to be a rock-climber and she was often the only woman on a weekend away) then she will, by default, end up paired with the TW because it solves a problem for the men in the club – not just who the TW can share a room with, but who he can tag along with. She has agreed to this in the past but she doesn't have to do so in future. Easier to think that OP and TW are besties than acknowledge that this is a complex and difficult situation.

TW completely lacks female intuition and empathy.

What on earth is this bollocks? Either humans display empathy or they don't. It has nothing to do with chromosomes or girly-brain.

I don't think I'd fancy sharing a room with someone who thought a bottle of Prosecco was hilarious either. Have you perhaps read too many Chalet School books OP? (other boarding school books are available from all good retailers)

In that case surely if the transwoman is genuinely just wanting to live their life without making anyone else feel uncomfortable or intimidated, they'd be happy enough for the OP to warn people in advance? The last thing they'd want is to arrive and see that the other woman were upset or frightened by them

On the other hand, if they believe that their right to be validated outstrips the women's right to feel comfortable, why would anyone care about their feelings, since they'd be making it clear that they don't care about anyone else's?

So one way or another, why would telling other people in advance be a bad thing?

The OP has voluntarily twice shared a room with "Jo" (as another poster has named her) without giving any indication she is unhappy or uncomfortable, other than changing in the bathroom. Jo has so far not been given any indication her status causes a concern.

If I were sharing a room with anyone other than my husband, regardless of their sex, I would do the same.

For once the TRA trope of substitute "gay" or "black" or "Jewish " actually makes sense - if you change your post to refer to any other minority it becomes pretty vile.

I'm still here. An awful lot of assumptions made about me on this thread. In my opening post where I refer to the sharing of rooms, can I point out that I actually offered to share with transwoman because very few of the other women were happy to do so. I was actually trying to be nice to transwoman and tried my best to mitigate anyone's embarrassment by changing in the loo. But call me a bigot if you like.
As for my original problem, as suggested, I am going to set up a meeting beforehand to discuss who will bring the chocolate, the crisps and the prosecco and everyone can make up their own minds about the situation.
I care about all human beings ( as I said in my opening post) and I don't want the other women to feel awkward nor the transwoman to feel awkward and I don't want anyone coming back to me and asking why I did not alert anyone to a potential situation. But hey-ho, because I care about the other womens' and my own embarrassment I get called a bigot.
I will not be back on this thread again. But thank you, those who have understood my dilemma.

The OP has voluntarily twice shared a room with "Jo" (as another poster has named her) without giving any indication she is unhappy or uncomfortable, other than changing in the bathroom. Jo has so far not been given any indication her status causes a concern.

But the OP wasn't talking about being concerned for her safety, it was about two other women turning up thinking they are sharing a room with a woman when actually it's a transwoman.

The 'any other minorities' thing makes no sense at all because no other minorities are trying to force everyone else to indulge them in false representation.

ilovejkr

I think thats the best thing to do, i think it was a very good idea from the earlier poster

But the OP wasn't talking about being concerned for her safety, it was about two other women turning up thinking they are sharing a room with a woman when actually it's a transwoman

The OP has taken it upon herself to adopt this protective role. She knows nothing about the other 2 women or what their attitude might be. Personally I think 2 women who are happy to share cheap hostel accommodation with strangers are probably quite robust. Personally I'd like to be warned that the evening might turn out to be an all girls together giggle fest over chocolate and prosecco so I could book a single room.

The 'any other minorities' thing makes no sense at all because no other minorities are trying to force everyone else to indulge them in false representation

There was no false representation to the OP. The OP shared a room in the full knowledge of Jo's status but now thinks it's her moral duty to warn others about Jo. In this particular case I think substitute other minorities is a valid point.

I bet you think that was a real gotcha question.

Not at all. Pleased you answered as most of the time it's ignored. Have a mince pie!

There was no false representation to the OP. The OP shared a room in the full knowledge of Jo's status but now thinks it's her moral duty to warn others about Jo.

Because the OP knew for herself whether she was willing to share or not. By telling the other women she is giving them the opportunity to consent or not consent to sharing. Why would anyone want to remove a woman's right to decide her own boundaries? Unless of course they don't think she should be allowed to set her own boundaries.

I wouldn’t be at all bothered if I turned up and had to share a room with a TW.

I wouldn’t share a room with a strange man.

Why would I be comfortable sharing a Room with a TW?

Very weirdly worded post OP. You contradict yourself, 'oh I don't mind sharing with a trans woman but I better tell the women who suddenly don't know' and your odd chick lit anecdote of hilariously sharing a bottle of fizz 🙄
You started an argument and now with faux naivety scramble away...job done sir.

For once the TRA trope of substitute "gay" or "black" or "Jewish " actually makes sense - if you change your post to refer to any other minority it becomes pretty vile

But that's not what the substitute would be though is it?? The substitute is MAN.

This is a group of people who have been put into a shared oom solely on the basis that they are female. Otherwise all the accommodation would be mixed sex .

But instead of it being single sex accommodation it is now mixed sex accommodation.

If I thought I was sharing a single sex room I would be VERY upset to find out that it is a mixed sex room - regardless of how the male person presented themselves.

I would not have the slightest problem interacting outside of the bedroom accommodation with any person of any sex no matter how they presented.

But that's not what the substitute would be though is it?? The substitute is MAN.

Indeed. Which OP can't say here because it's banned.

can I point out that I actually offered to share with transwoman because very few of the other women were happy to do so. I was actually trying to be nice to transwoman

This gets very close to "I can't be racist/ homophobic because I've got friends who are black/ gay" territory. For sake of accuracy of course I acknowledge Jo isn't your friend- just someone you spend a lot of free time with, including overnight stays.

and tried my best to mitigate anyone's embarrassment by changing in the loo

Not sure what your point is. In the unlikely event I were sharing a bedroom with you I wouldn't get changed in front of you and I wouldn't want to see you undressed either.

This thread is weird.

to discuss who will bring the chocolate, the crisps and the prosecco

FFS. beds are for sleeping in not girly giggling and midnight feasts. I'd much rather share with an shy TW than you OP.

I would be very upset if I was placed in a room to sleep next to someone with a male body. That is still my right to decline as far as I know and for my own reasons as stated further back in the thread

If I was aware that OP knew this other woman booked in the room and knew they were male bodied then yes I would be upset with the OP.

All these posters saying it makes no difference what body the room sharers have and the women in the room have no right to know such personal details- well I can only assume you have somehow gone through life not needing to have a fear of men’s bodies and what they are capable of. Lovely for you.

What the fuck is this thread? All these attacks on OP seem so unwarranted.

OP was kind to a shy, awkward male person and they got clingy with her, to the point that they are following her around... OP, I don't know if anyone has said this to you yet, but if you remove the fog of confusion created by this person's "gender identity", this is a tale as old as time - it's the archetype of the Nice Guy. It might be a good idea to distance yourself from this person in future. It's very possible the "friendship" with you means a lot more to them than it does to you and they are thinking of you in a romantic context.

I hate that OP is being shat on for being nice to the TW, for being considerate of other womens' feelings and boundaries, for drinking prosecco (oh no! she likes girl things!), for having boundaries around who sees her naked, for having a female body (seriously what the fuck was that comment "I wouldn't want to see you naked" supposed to mean? What kind of an asshole writes shit like that?), for being willing to share rooms with strangers, and for wanting to socialise and have fun on a hobby trip, and I probably missed some other bizarre and ridiculous grounds for attack but really we all know all the viciousness has been unleashed by OP not believing that TWAW.

I'm so sorry OP, you seem like a very decent person. I'm glad you've found a good solution to your problem anyway and I hope you have fun on your trip.

Am also hiding this thread now as I find the fact females won’t understand and help represent the caution in this respect of other females really upsetting.

I will defend any bodies right to be who they are but in all different ways we do have to have an appreciation of how we affect others with all their history.

I don’t expect random children to converse with me. I know I’m no threat to them but I also know their parents will have told them not to talk to adults they don’t know in the street. I accept that by association of being an adult human they don’t know well I fall into the category that children are advised to avoid. So I don’t force it and don’t talk to random kids when they are on their own.

This thread is weird.

Dead right, with knobs on.

(Note to potential post-reporters: it's just an expression so there's no need to sweat sulphuric acid.)

@Kantastic I REALLY appreciate that post and support. You have hit the nail on the head.
I was not going to post again because I really thought I had stumbled into a parallel universe but thank you Kantastic and the others too numerous to mention who have really understood.
Now I am shutting the PC down and going off to enjoy Christmas with my family. Merry Christmas to you all.

This thread is weird

It certainly is.