Forced to share a room with a TW

[ILoveJKR]

I am in a quandary and cannot talk about this in real life so I hope some of you can understand. Some background information for explanation.
I have a hobby which is mostly male orientated but which a lot of women indulge in too. The hobby has several different ways of enjoying it, think cycling where you can compete, or go for days out, or challenge yourself, visit museums or exhibitions devoted to this hobby, etc. I also belong to several clubs for this hobby.
I met a TW who happens to like the same part of the hobby as I enjoy, so we are often together indulging our shared interest. I care for TW in the same way as I would care for any human being, but I cannot really say the TW is a friend. We have no shared experiences, TW is a bit awkward and over-sensitive socially and looks and mostly behaves like a man but because we are together so often everyone assumes that we are besties.
I have twice shared accommodation with TW on hobby trips (my choice) but I always get changed in the loo and leave the room when TW gets changed. I'm accepting that people can live however they like but males should not be in female spaces.
So, onto my dilemma. One of my clubs has organised an overnight trip to a competition with 5 men and 3 women and TW. The man organising the trip does not know TW is a TW and the two other women do not know TW is a TW. Their only contact to date is via a watsapp group and TW uses a feminine name.
I know that it will be assumed that I invited TW on the trip. But the person joined my club and booked without ever discussing it with me. Free country and all that, I cannot control who joins what club and who books on what trip, but the organiser has put us 3 women and TW in one room (cheap hostel accommodation). And I know that there will be awkwardness for the other two women when they find out they are sharing with an XY person. And I know it will come back on me because everyone assumes TW is my 'friend'.
This is a real-life example for me that we cannot allow this fiction to continue. Men cannot become women and women should not be forced to share their spaces.

I was going to suggest a pre trip meet up but someone has beaten me too it.

I think you need to highlight this to the organiser, both for the TW and the others, finding out someone is trans when you get there is different to knowing beforehand.

Another way would be to check the club / group's equality policy, and if there isn't one then one needs to be drafted.

Tell them

You're very cruel

@FlyingOink said it all 👍🏻

Anyone noticed the OP has buggered off?

Flipping heck, they have too; that's never happened before.

I think you need to highlight this to the organiser, both for the TW and the others, finding out someone is trans when you get there is different to knowing beforehand.

I think you'd be in a load of trouble if you did this. I don't think OP is coming back, but for any lurkers - this would be extremely difficult to justify doing, and extremely difficult to do without offending anyone. Imagine the TW. You think someone is your friend and it turns out they've seen fit to warn everyone about you? Hmmm.

Also, the thread title is particularly disingenuous. "Forced to share a room", except OP wasn't forced and has happily done it in the past, and the two women OP hasn't met aren't "forced" either - they might feel that way in the future, they might already know, of know of, the transwoman (we only have OP to suggest this isn't the case), they might be fine with it, they might know the organiser, there are a load of variables not discussed.

I think the premise that nobody knows the transwoman is trans, because all interaction has been via WhatsApp, is unlikely. Unless this oddly-specific unnamed hobby where you go away and stay in hostels is so hugely popular that there are millions of people who do it and therefore no chance anyone has heard of the transwoman in their enormous social circle.

I bet It's a hang-gliding club.

I bet It's a hang-gliding club

If it is I hope the OP and other female members aren't too hungover after their fun nights of prosecco drinking- that might be dangerous.

Surely any organisation which has trans members should be thinking about its policy in such circumstances, doing the appropriate risk assessment and issuing guidelines to any organisers at the grassroots level. It is only the sleeping arrangements that are a problem presumably? It's not that hard to solve.

Perhaps the OP should write to whoever is running the competition, asking for guidance in such circumstances, quoting the sex segregation allowed in the Equality Act 2010? At least then, those in charge cannot say that they were unaware of the problem when/if this hapless male organiser - who is probably completely unaware of the issue - potentially gets it in the neck when everyone turns up, with embarrassment all round.

Personally, if I was uncomfortable sharing on the first occasion, but didn't want to make a fuss, I certainly wouldn't have done it again. That has sent out totally the wrong message to the TW concerned.

saraclara

This isn't a random man pretending to be a woman to take advantage of other women. OP knows her and knows that she genuinely considers herself a woman. She is there as a genuine and establisehd member of a hobby group

This appears to be a hostel dorm room, many of which are mixed-sex already. Most dorms I've stayed in have been mixed. So in this specific circumstance I think a mountain is being made out of a molehill

Absolutely spot on.

I really dislike the repeated use of "TW" to refer to the trans woman. The OP used it. It is flippant and dehumanising and the iteration by several posters is not a good look.

Mumsnet is full of acronyms - ODFOD is my personal favourite.

TW is an accurate description as are DH, DD etc

I like STBXH. If we're talking acronyms.

And the classic, LTB

Oh yes of course, just a simple acronym to avoid the extreme and exhausting effort in typing another 8 letters.

As for your ODFOD- if that is addressed to me - have the courage to tell me to fuck off (except of course I expect any response will be a disingenuous "oh no- just talking generally")

Carry on defending "TW" . It really isn't a good look.

Again, I'm really not trying to argue or rile anyone up. I've read a lot on this subject but I'm still none the wiser as to what the issue is for the minority of feminists who feel this way.

You're saying that you genuinely don't understand why I would have a problem with sharing sleeping/changing space with a biological male? Really? Honestly? I'm not sure that I believe you.

And, for what it's worth, it isn't a minority of feminists who feel this way: it's most of us.

If you look at the statistics, the likelihood of a trans woman attacking you is no higher than that of a bio woman attacking you.

That's bollocks. A trans woman is biologically male. Her propensity to attack me is no different to that of other males.

Carry on defending "TW" . It really isn't a good look.
Ok, assuming I want to look good to you, what exactly is wrong with the abbreviation? And in what way is writing "the transwoman" better?

It was weird how “TW” was used in the OP. Like someone having an issue with (random example) an Asian person and calling them “AP” throughout.

I wouldn’t be sharing a room with them (nor in fairness with any stranger) but I wouldn’t talk about them like that either.

I think it's dehumanising. I'm on the fence on many of the gender critical points made on this forum. Some seem valid, some just look like scare- mongering and a few are just plain nasty.

So far as "TW" is concerned is there another recognised acronym (aside from the achingly twee "D plus relative" one for familial relationships) which apply to a person with a particular characteristic?

I can't see any valid reason for reducing trans woman to TW.

I would have said, “a trans person (mtf) who I’ll called “Jo” here” and then call them Jo throughout.