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Original poster

Forced to share a room with a TW

261 replies

ILoveJKR · 20/12/2019 20:24

I am in a quandary and cannot talk about this in real life so I hope some of you can understand. Some background information for explanation.
I have a hobby which is mostly male orientated but which a lot of women indulge in too. The hobby has several different ways of enjoying it, think cycling where you can compete, or go for days out, or challenge yourself, visit museums or exhibitions devoted to this hobby, etc. I also belong to several clubs for this hobby.
I met a TW who happens to like the same part of the hobby as I enjoy, so we are often together indulging our shared interest. I care for TW in the same way as I would care for any human being, but I cannot really say the TW is a friend. We have no shared experiences, TW is a bit awkward and over-sensitive socially and looks and mostly behaves like a man but because we are together so often everyone assumes that we are besties.
I have twice shared accommodation with TW on hobby trips (my choice) but I always get changed in the loo and leave the room when TW gets changed. I'm accepting that people can live however they like but males should not be in female spaces.
So, onto my dilemma. One of my clubs has organised an overnight trip to a competition with 5 men and 3 women and TW. The man organising the trip does not know TW is a TW and the two other women do not know TW is a TW. Their only contact to date is via a watsapp group and TW uses a feminine name.
I know that it will be assumed that I invited TW on the trip. But the person joined my club and booked without ever discussing it with me. Free country and all that, I cannot control who joins what club and who books on what trip, but the organiser has put us 3 women and TW in one room (cheap hostel accommodation). And I know that there will be awkwardness for the other two women when they find out they are sharing with an XY person. And I know it will come back on me because everyone assumes TW is my 'friend'.
This is a real-life example for me that we cannot allow this fiction to continue. Men cannot become women and women should not be forced to share their spaces.

OP posts:
GirlDownUnder · 20/12/2019 22:18

I'll take myself off now. because I can’t actually back up my argument or provide the stats I’m referencing, even though I’m smart enough to work ‘in the city’.

GCAcademic · 20/12/2019 22:19

It seems that Jo Swinson has now suddenly got a lot of free time on her hands.

FloralBunting · 20/12/2019 22:19

You should bloody well thank the women who are patiently taking the time to explain why women have the right to set their own boundaries, when you have already apparently dipped in. I think they have been brilliant, as ever, but their labour is a courtesy, and none of us are under any compulsion to go over these things yet again, when you've come in with the full bingo card of TRA talking points. Good lord.

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 20/12/2019 22:19

Please, before you go, just give us the source of 'the likelihood of a trans woman attacking you is no higher than that of a bio woman attacking you.'
All you have given us so far is that it has to be true because you work in the City. Xmas Confused

Raindrops17 · 20/12/2019 22:19

are rad fems as bothered by trans men sharing men's spaces?

I'm pretty sure there will be many men uncomfortable with this for a variety of reasons. But we are talking about the rights of women. Interestingly, I don't really hear of trans men demanding to access men's spaces, men's sports teams etc. I wonder why that is?

Sleepingboy · 20/12/2019 22:20

I would not be happy sharing with a man I didn't know, and in this case this TW would be a man I don't know. I would actually not stay in that room and ask for another if I arrived and was presented with this situation.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 20/12/2019 22:20

And I'm not going to defend my indefensible comment that women don't necessarily have the right to say no....

SophoclesTheFox · 20/12/2019 22:21

I work in the city too, therefore I am qualified to program space shuttles at NASA-it’s just numbers Smile

Doyoumind · 20/12/2019 22:22

Don't forget everyone, it's our job to be kind.

HorseWithNoBlueHair · 20/12/2019 22:22

I feel let down.

DuMondeB · 20/12/2019 22:29

I suppose my respect for the trans woman's right to self identify trumps that for the bio woman's right to say no.

Holy shit.

I can’t believe I just read that. On FWR!

Consent isn’t decided via democratic vote. One woman’s no is a total veto. You cannot give away another person’s right to privacy and dignity.

I’ve been sexually assaulted by strangers twice and a man put his head under the side of my cubicle at a swimming pool. I’ve been subjected to indecent exposure 5 times.
All perpetrators were men.

I have the right to change and sleep in a male free space. No ones inner sense of self negates that right.

Fucking hell.

limpbizkit · 20/12/2019 22:29

What @pegsworth said. Sounds like playground bullying to me. What makes you think the TW wants to perv over you? You shared a room with her before didn't you? If I was her I wouldn't want to bd your friend. I think you should make a fuss over it so this person can find a new bunch of friends who might respect her as a person.

ScapaFlo · 20/12/2019 22:31

.

Soontobe60 · 20/12/2019 22:32

@pegsworth
charley50 may I know the source of that stat? I'd like to learn more about that research.

I asked you where the source for your statement was. 'the likelihood of a trans woman attacking you is no higher than that of a bio woman attacking you.
I'm still waiting for your answer.

I have no fear regarding men wanting to be trans. I have an absolute belief that women should not be forced to accept situations where they may be more exposed to assault. All for the sake of being PC. When the number of rapes worldwide is reduced to zero, then I might reconsider this.

FWRLurker · 20/12/2019 22:35

Replace the word TW with man and you will realize that you are using men’s rights talking points! Women are allowed to have boundaries such as “female roommates only”. Even if some of us are OK with male roommates.

Unlike OP these other women do not know TW. When they show up, they will observe that this person - who does not pass at all - is male. They do not know this person any more than any other stranger, So they may be reticent to share private space with a stranger male. This is their right.

ThePurported · 20/12/2019 22:37

I suppose my respect for the trans woman's right to self identify trumps that for the bio woman's right to say no

It's rare to see someone admit it, so thank you for that pegsworth.
Where do you stand on a trans individual's right to have their scrotum waxed by a female beautician who would rather say no?

carly2803 · 20/12/2019 22:39

i would tell them, carefully. I do not like sharing rooms with people anyhow, especially those i am not close too.
If i found out i was going to be sharing my room with a m 2 f trans i would not be amused if i wasnt told. He gets the choice to share a room, so i would appreciate the same amount of choice.

thenightsky · 20/12/2019 22:39

You're in a difficult position OP. I too take part in a mostly male orientated hobby and one of our larger group is a TW (I wonder if its the same hobby). We tend not to share rooms at all though, but the TW in our group always comes into the ladies loos and I have no issue really as I've always known her as 'her' IYSWIM.

I am confused by your post where you say nobody else in the group is aware that this person is a TW, yet you go on to say they don't 'pass' at all.

LaLoba · 20/12/2019 22:39

I think if you are happy to share a room with four strangers then a TW is unlikely to phase you.

Well you’d be wrong. I have been receiving treatment for breast cancer this last couple of months. I am absolutely at ease being undressed around female medical professionals. I am so disturbed at being so vulnerable around men that at one point an admin error led to me deciding to wait 6 weks till a female consultant was available.
Don’t be so disingenuous as to pretend you don’t understand the difference between men and women.

Binglebong · 20/12/2019 22:43

I am confused by your post where you say nobody else in the group is aware that this person is a TW, yet you go on to say they don't 'pass' at all.

I assume it has only been confirmed to the OP. And/or that as it is a mix of groups she may have been the only one who has met the TW in person.

charley50 · 20/12/2019 22:46

TheNightSky - the other people do the same hobby and have booked to go to the event together, but haven't actually met the TW (and OP?) yet.

Soontobe60 · 20/12/2019 22:48

@thenightsky

I read it as the group that are expected to share the room. Only the OP already knows the person, the other two women have yet to meet either her or the trans woman.

saraclara · 20/12/2019 22:48

This isn't a random man pretending to be a woman to take advantage of other women. OP knows her and knows that she genuinely considers herself a woman. She is there as a genuine and establisehd member of a hobby group.

This appears to be a hostel dorm room, many of which are mixed-sex already. Most dorms I've stayed in have been mixed. So in this specific circumstance I think a mountain is being made out of a molehill

AutumnRose1 · 20/12/2019 22:51

Re the shock of reading on FWR

I don’t want to name the person but someone on Twitter, professional contact with “feminist” in her bio, has been saying similar things today.

She has a thing about mentoring women in business as well. But has actually tweeted objecting about biology today.

OhHolyJesus · 20/12/2019 22:52

Some new posters and some I haven't seen in a loooong time.

And it's the weekend. What a coincidence.

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