Christmas is just a load of wifework: discuss

[drspouse]

DH and I have a collaborative approach to Christmas though he tends to want to do less than I do in terms of activities, as our DS needs a bit of structure I usually overrule him.
He writes more Christmas cards than I do as we only do them for elderly relatives who don't have email and he has more of them.
However all family just want me to give them suggestions for presents for the DCs.
And could you just send me a link.
And what does DH want.
Oh can't you just buy it and I'll pay you back. Can't you wrap it too?
And the mums on FB... My goodness. And here too. I bet all the dads are not wrapping up the living room door and moving the elf and buying reindeer food. And working out which relative won't eat smoked salmon canapes and when to get their Ocado slot. And if they'll fit into their slinky dress for the work party.
It's just the whole year of sexism multiplied by 65 million isn't it?

I honestly can’t relate to this, as it’s not like that in this house but I can totally believe it’s like that for most people.

I do think that if you don’t like doing something then you should just stop, tell your dh that your not doing (insert Xmas task here) this year and that from now on it’s his responsibility, and point relatives his way when they ask something. It’s really not that hard.

Well, I agree drs.

‘Just’ is such a fucking weasel word, isn’t it?

My DH is not the worst and not the best. But although he does some stuff every year he’ll leave discussing actual proper plans for seeing his family til the absolute last minute and then it will end up being extremely inconvenient to us in some way, which planning would have avoided.

Properly irritates me greatly.

And when you have DC there’s also childcare for Christmas nights out, and all the school shit to sort - jumpers, donations, events - and on and on.

He does do the wrapping. Badly, and won’t actually purchase the supplies like Sellotape, rather expect it to be magically available, but I don’t wrap anything so I refuse to care.

But I agree, it’s a shit time of year for wifework in general.

Christmas is like housework, an awful lot of what people do really doesn't need doing so if you can't be arsed don't is my philosophy.

I like Christmas, I'm in my element. I like cooking, I like brightening the place up in the depths of winter with decorations. Despite being the least 'girly' woman on Earth in most respects when it comes to wrapping presents I suddenly come over all 'must have bows and ribbons'.

Mr Whatshisknickers reckons I'm mad. He'd just group stuff together and wrap it roughly rather than each item individually with a pretty bow. He's right. It isn't necessary, just like ironing isn't, so there'd be no point in moaning at him for not doing what doesn't need doing in the first place.

There's a huge swathe of relatives that would never buy "it's not my job" - DH's relatives wouldn't think to ask him about presents, and mine would go off and sulk if told to ask him.

But this isn't a personal moan in particular, it's about society's expectations. Same as regular wifework - we can't just say to all women "well don't do it, if you do you're weak".

I agree OP. DH is not too bad but I still do more of the shopping / writing cards / planning etc.

I don't bother with the fucking elf though

No wifework here.
My DH has always been a mega Christmas fan, and follows through with planning, clearing out, buying, wrapping, cooking, entertaining, clearing up
He also buys thoughtful, surprise gifts.
But, I do write and send all the cards. And have made the Christmas cake ( but he’s already made the mincemeat,) Bastard

Yes and no

It CAN be

But we never celebrated Christmas like that (no cards, we buy presents for our own relatives, no elfs or reindeer food, I cook the roast but that is fine as I always cook anyway. If someone does not like the salmon canapés they don’t have to eat them lots of booze and choc and dog walks and telly easy!

No, not here.
I like more extreme fuss than my husband but he certainly does -

All cards that aren’t ‘just mine’. His PA pints off address labels and he writes to vast majority. We send a lot with personal overlapping with professional ones. I do my childhood/ university friends and my work only.
Vast majority of big presents from the days of faxing letters to Father Christmas from his office machine to the texted letters now. They still do token letters as young adults. He buys and checks fairness etc. We wrap together. I buy his presents and the stockings.
I do the food arrangements because I’m better at it. He meanwhile becomes household sommelier.
He does tree chopping and putting up. I decorate with children.
We both get rooms ready for people staying. We both tidy up.
He tends to drive and let me drink.
Its a partnership.

Yep. Total Festival of Wifework in this house.

I do it mostly to make it a good Christmas for the kids, and because I'm a SAHP of older kids so it's not too unfair for me to put the time in now.

Other relatives get shorter shrift. I have a 'no presents between adults' arrangement with most of them. Elderly uncles and aunties get cards, but the online generations don't.

Pointless unwanted gift exchanges piss me off. So do people who can't be arsed to think of any (literally any) gift suggestions for the kids, and want you to do all the work for them. I'm already trying to do the stockings and our own presents to them and I've run out of ideas. Piss off and try actually thinking for a change. Haven't you heard that it's the thought that counts?

I have never bought any presents for dps family, and have no idea when their birthdays are. The only time we have ever hosted Christmas I went to Asda and bought food and he did all the cooking. I never do any wife work as far as Christmas is concerned and if you resent doing it just stop!

Saw a card (or maybe mug?) today that said something like “Mums make Christmas magic happen” and it just made me think of the thankless, slogging work that so many women do, especially in December.

So do people who can't be arsed to think of any (literally any) gift suggestions for the kids, and want you to do all the work for them

Aside from very little ones who are happy with play-doh kids love cash. No thought required!

Christmas is a collection of child, family and domestic tasks piled on top of each other, all of which traditionally fall to women. The problem now is that women feel they ought to care, and indeed do care, about how these tasks are completed. Men aren’t socialised to feel responsible for these roles or to seek validation through the successful execution of them so naturally care less.

So if you want a Christmas like the Christmas you want then as women you just have to bloody do it because nobody else is going to be stepping up.

I booked a Hotel and I am excited. We only buy for kids and DH Mum - she gets a voucher, the Kids are my neices and nephews so not an issue. I am looking forward to it all

@DryHeave yep, and no bugger notices. Because it's magic, innit.

The only wifework I can identify in our house isn't dh's fault. Everybody asks me what the girls want. They never ask him.
He writes the cards, addresses and posts them. I buy a lot of gifts for the kids but that's because I like doing it. He buys for his allocated relatives and for me (we do a secret Santa thing with adult relatives). I do the cake etc again because I like it. He wraps very well and willingly. Cleaning is split. Plans are made by mutual discussion. Christmas carol service at church is a joint project. Food shopping is split as needed. Christmas tree buying And installation is joint.

I don't ask people what their kids want because it annoys me so much when they ask me! I do sometimes say I was thinking of x, is that ok.

So do people who can't be arsed to think of any (literally any) gift suggestions for the kids, and want you to do all the work for them. I'm already trying to do the stockings and our own presents to them and I've run out of ideas. Piss off and try actually thinking for a change. Haven't you heard that it's the thought that counts?
My nieces and nephews are grown now, but I lived thousands of miles away when they were little. Barely saw them growing up. I had no idea what the little beggars liked and, as, a childless person any idea of what was the in thing that year or what types of books they liked or clothing sizes, or what toys they had already or....well you get the picture. Some guidance was always appreciated. Or, people, can you,know, just buy your kids some useless piece of shit. Can't believe that someone actually wanted you to wrap their present for them. Now that is being a CF.

Anne Fine does the best comic summing-up of this in 'The More the Merrier'... Recommend the audiobook for Xmas trips. At one point the husband, when asked to peel the sprouts says 'I think I've done my full whack'. Woman then delivers wonderful monologue listing the cards she wrote, food shopping she did, beds she made up. It's a fantastic picture of women keeping everyone happy.

Mmm. I think it is. But only because what seems quite fun as an idea, turns out to be a fucking nightmare in reality and women “pick it up”.

So my parents live the other side of the country. DH ( who loves §Christmas) and who loves my family always leaves it to me to find a place we can host it near them.
He pays. Literally job done for him.

But I’m the one who does the logistics, who goes where when. Where the presents get sent in the weeks before, what we do if we get snowed in, worry about dad driving on Christmas Day etc etc. He’s like I’ve paid £800 what could go wrong. ( we have had many things go wrong in previous years mainlywith rain and sewers)
He loves buying presents l Buys loads willy nilly, No thought that people can’t reciprocate. We did a secret Santa last year £10 max. Everyone else did brilliant funny presents. He spent more than he should to get a “great” present. But it’s Christmas, no one wants to be the twat that says that’s not secret Santa ( yeah his DD and me both did ).

Mine will do the whole dinner. But expect fullsome praise before during and after. And after after. About how good it all was and how the carrots in orange was fantastic.

My mum does it and it’s “ another great lunch from Anna ”, back to drinking.

ArnoldWhatshisknickers - I am on the same page with you there! I was just thinking that this might be the year to start telling people that when they inevitably ask for ideas, and clicky links, and indeed for me to buy something and take it round to their house for them to wrap...

I hate to look grabby, and I like the kids to have some presents that aren't (technically) from us. Also the grandparents "want to get them something to unwrap." On the other hand, there's nothing to stop them actually going to a shop and choosing something if that's what they want, is there?

We have a fairly even split. He loves cooking particularly roasts so he does all the food including Xmas food shop, all the prep and cooking on the day. I do the presents, sort the house out, cards etc. He also does his own relative's presents. Actually makes Christmas quite pleasant for both of us.

Agree. And resisting it can make me seem v grinchy. But like so many areas of life, the bulk of thinking and work done for others entertainment, feeding, comfort and pleasure is done year after year by women and under appreciated. Note, not all, but often. We were discussing this yesterday and dh even said of my complaint that a certain male relative doesn't help much 'i suppose like me he doesn't really know what to do'. Damned if I am going to give dh instructions of how to help 'me'. Not saying he doesn't do his bit but he just doesn't have that internalised expectation that it's 'his job' or the external expectation of everyone else that he will present them with a tidy beautiful house, lovely food, thoughtful presents, endless drinks etc etc. I am always furious by Christmas afternoon, especially when everyone starts saying 'you've worked so hard'. Well how come you didn't share the load properly then? I do resist and limit what I do, I do tell DH how I feel. I don't begrudge our visitors.

My DH does all the catering at Christmas which he actually enjoys sometimes i am the sous chef who chops carrots or peels potatoes. I buy, hide, wrap all christmas presents, decorate the house, write cards, clean the house and make up beds for visitors and lay the table. Wash up before during and after christmas lunch and then DH gets all the credit for a lovely meal which of course it is! And he gets rsi after wrapping about 2 christmas presents!