Christmas is just a load of wifework: discuss

[drspouse]

DH and I have a collaborative approach to Christmas though he tends to want to do less than I do in terms of activities, as our DS needs a bit of structure I usually overrule him.
He writes more Christmas cards than I do as we only do them for elderly relatives who don't have email and he has more of them.
However all family just want me to give them suggestions for presents for the DCs.
And could you just send me a link.
And what does DH want.
Oh can't you just buy it and I'll pay you back. Can't you wrap it too?
And the mums on FB... My goodness. And here too. I bet all the dads are not wrapping up the living room door and moving the elf and buying reindeer food. And working out which relative won't eat smoked salmon canapes and when to get their Ocado slot. And if they'll fit into their slinky dress for the work party.
It's just the whole year of sexism multiplied by 65 million isn't it?

everyone I know seems to think it's normal to send unwrapped presents because they are blooming stingy and won't pay for wrapping. It gets my goat.

I regularly know everything I'm getting before Christmas because of this (except for my DSis's present, she always sends a box of wrapped presents with choc coins hidden among the presents and a preChristmas art activity for the DC ). I mentioned it to my Mum and she said 'Oh, I wanted your DH to wrap it for you'. Well in that case send it to him, not to me with the DC presents that also need wrapping. Not sure how I'm magically suppose to not see the adult present among the lego etc. I no longer pay for wrapping because I don't see why I should when no-one wraps for me (and I've had complaints about fucking Amazon wrapping before now as well, can you guess yet why we don't see my family at Christmas).

It's such a cultural thing that women are suppose to do all the work. DH isn't the problem, it's everyone else in the family. The older women didn't work so it was fine for them to spend time doing all the work for Christmas. I earn more than DH and have a more stressful job (which I love, that is not the problem) but the mums and aunts all expect me to do ALL the work and feel free to comment negatively if e.g. DH writes the cards or does the cooking.

I think most kids could do with far fewer gifts and with less emphasis on them

I strongly agree.

It's a festival of wifework in this house. Thus no cards are sent these days and we only do the traditions that I prioritise. There are a few cooking related traditions that DH likes enough to organise himself.

That's been the case in my house, but I'm trying to change it.

Being on the FWR board for a year or so has opened my eyes and once you see, you can't unsee.

This year I'm trying to make it as stress free as possible for me. But even then, note the word 'I'. My husband is a Grinch so you can bet it's not even entered his mind.

We're having a buffet drop in for family.

My great Aunt, who we have invited, is mortified. She fails to understand that as a veggie of 30 years (now vegan - though Flora's antics are making me crave butter) there is no joy in me cooking a big Sunday roast for all that I cannot taste and that I don't want to be handling.

My husband's cooking is dire, so he clears everything up and washes up etc.

The buffet will be a series of items from M&S, though considering a takeaway.

I used to buy for DH family and write their cards, but when I realised what I was doing, I stopped.

I've trimmed presents now to just parents really and cards to a few relatives.

The kids are teens now so we have fewer presents, but higher price tag.

I'm walking around the shops and trying to block it out. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy many aspects of Christmas (this is why I'm cutting back, so I can enjoy the meaningful stuff like talking to people, going for a walk or Christmas morning drinks, without being tied to the kitchen).
But I miss Christmas only being visible in December.

As a child my mother worked Christmas Day (she was a bar maid) so my dad would cook snd prepare everything. They'd good shop together and mom would buy the presents. It was shared and that was my model.

food shop

We mostly have an even split of work, and DH does a lot of the thinking - he's really good at keeping a running list through the year of things the DC have been interested in. So, he buys tree presents, I wrap. I buy stocking presents and wrap. I watch the budget and rein him in if necessary.

We list food together and I "hide" it in weekly grocery shops between September and Christmas.

We only do family cards to elderly-ish relatives - he does his 2 to FIL and FIL's cousin. I do my family.

He often cooks Christmas dinner because I do other roasts during the rest of the year.

The DC and I do the Christmas Tree because DH isn't bothered, but he goes to town with shiny 1970s decorations, because I'm not bothered.

The flash point is often organising family visiting - DH only has FIL to get into the diary, where are my family (DM, Dsis and family, Dbro and family) all try to get together in one place. It can be hard to arrange as DSis's boss often doesn't do the Christmas hours rota until about 14 December, by which point DBro can't get any more holiday booked. A couple of years running we've ended up with food and drink for 15 and then they've not come, so this year it's pot luck. We have enough to feed us (with leftovers) for one extra Holiday Meal. They bring enough to feed them. Anyone eats what they fancy. Cross fingers it works!

The thing that really drives me up the wall, though, is that FIL (and MIL, when she was still with us) got into the habit about 15 years ago of saying "we don't know what modern children like" and giving us a lump sum to buy and wrap gifts for the DC from them. I suspect it's partly because DH is an only child (and FIL is a self-absorbed arse) so Christmas was never about thinking of Not-FIL in their house. So, DH does the thinking for them and I do the wrapping and Christmas is about FIL basking in the thanks for a gift well chosen, having done none of the legwork.

My DM, otoh, does all of her own shopping imaginatively and well, on a much smaller budget than FIL, because I am 1 of 3 and she'd have exploded if someone gave her extra shit to wrap at Christmas when we were small! The split in my house growing up was Mum did gifts and cards and Dad did all food procurement and preparation / cooking, and it worked really well.

I tend to make cards and write them/post them. We split tasks for the decorations. My job is to build the tree (years old, sectioned tree with individual branches), then my wife put the lights and decorations on. I do all the cooking over the Christmas period, I love doing a roast with all the trimmings.

It’s nice to see women valuing the extra effort they go to (on their own terms, when they want to) but also lots of criticism of women for ‘making a rod for their own backs’ or ‘doing the wrongkind of effort -too commercial, not crafty enough’. Or that they should ‘be like the men’ not overthinking it, whereas it can be a big logistical project that needs planning and budgeting. I know my view has changed after fifteen plus years of us hosting. Was it Jenny Murray who called christmas ‘a practical joke everyone else plays on middle aged women’.

Exactly - all this "just resist the pressure" isn't very sisterly!

I'm fascinated by the posters who don't like knowing what their presents are in advance. It is such an alien concept to me. We really don't go in for surprises in my family. Never did growing up don't now. Everyone writes a list and allocates price appropriate gifts to other. If clothes are on the list it is normal for us to buy what we want and hand it over for wrapping/receive money back, other things we send links these days and in the past write down details eg book x by author y.

I've also seen in the past people complaining about practical gifts such as kitchen ware or tools which we consider normal. I got a frying pan for Christmas last year because that's what I asked for.

It's really interesting to hear what other people consider normal. Makes you realise how very variable it all is in reality.

I do everything, bar cook the meal. I do it willingly because I want the kids to enjoy the season, but each year there are 2 things that truly annoy me and I can never get past them. First is the annual comment from my DH that he has it harder than other men because he has to buy and wrap 2 presents rather than one because it’s my birthday a week before Christmas (I think he think’s he’s being hilarious but I just want to belt him round the head...). The second is DH’s family who expect me to think of, buy and wrap presents for our kids, but then complain if they think that the kids have preferred another gift over theirs...
Every year I tell myself I’m just going to laugh it off, but nope, by the time Christmas Day comes round, I’m usually seething inside - I really need to get a grip! 😄

We don’t host but I can see that poor MIL who does, does everything. But she believes it’s her job. I internalised this somewhat as a younger woman and am unlearning it still!!

I tell DH to deal with his side of the family; I no longer deal with presents or cards for them but annoyingly I have to write lists and constantly remind him because if there was a no show of a present I would be blamed cos his family definitely see it all as a pink job.
In the end I often succumb eg his sisters bday he just didn’t bother with the card despite frequent reminders and she is nice so I bought one🙄

I remember seeing the late great Fanny Craddock on TV, bemoaning the fact that Christmas is just a load of extra work for women. That would've been about 50 years ago. Reading some of the responses here, nothing's changed.

I hate Christmas. Wife work, yes.

Anecdata tells me Christmas is women's fault though. Plenty of women like me and I suspect a majority of men wouldn't care less if we never had Christmas again.

Why do we have to have it?

It's expensive, annoying. Unnecessary..

DH takes full responsibility for moaning about Christmas.

Resisting the pressure is freeing. Memories are made and cannot really be planned for. And actually seeing mum other than in the kitchen and table, gives you all the memories that you miss out on.

I've had jobs that have required long hours during December. Somehow food managed to be ordered - home delivery and chucking in stuff at various points, including other family members.
Presents again online and delivered.
And that's what I always think when the men cannot do things because of the long hours. The woman also work long hours and still manage to do it so what's their real excuse?

You have two choices -
Feel all the stress, do all the work or the majority and not enjoy it as a result. Everything continues as is.

Or you say fuck it, you want to know what someone wants, ask them yourself. Surely these people who buy stuff talk to your children/partner. Get them loading the basket. Get deliveries for when they at home. Cheapskates don't want to wrap, give them in whatever packaging they are in, or if your really bothered and chuck in a carrier bag. When questions are asked when thanking the person (you know what kids are like lol) let the squirm and tell them you did mention you want the presents wrapped.

And they work long hours in very stressful jobs. When do you get to relax from picking up the slack?

Unless you say something, no-one will know. And follow through. You've told him to sort his side and he doesn't because he knows you will do it anyway. Don't do it. Let them complain to him, you're on the phone to them and they start moaning - agree with them, they are right partner should have done it, he knows his family better than me. And if he's there give him the phone.

Go on give it a try, come join us on the other side. If you've asked someone to do something and they don't, and? Nothing bad will happen and you never know some could breathe a big sigh of relieve that someone has said fuck it. And the ones that sulk because they didn't get a card or whatever, let them crack on with it. If your child was sulking you would ignore it, adults who do it need a head wobble and ignored. Life really is too short to stress about if great uncle Tommy doesn't get a card. But I don't send any cards out unless it's a special celebration. I value those a lot more than another Christmas card.

I've had the relatives asking for ideas and web links, getting it sent directly to us unwrapped and using up my good ideas in the process! Im in the camp that find it a bit (literally) thoughtless at times.

If you can't be arsed to come up with a small thoughtful gift just send an Amazon gift card and be done with it.

Being divorced reduced the wife work. One less expensive HOBBY related gadget to bankrupt myself over!

Why do we have to have it?

We don't have to have it, but eating drinking and being merry in the depths of winter is an age old tradition at high latitudes for good reason. These is a desire for something to cheer up the darkest time of the year that goes way back. It is why the winter festival persists long after we've moved to a post agricultural age while summer equivalents have died out.

It is certainly possible to make it cheaper and simpler though which is why it is good to hear about how others do Christmas. That demonstrates that there is no 'right' way, just your way, and hopefully gives those people who feel put upon the framework they need to say 'no, other people don't do this and still have a good time'.

Why are people wrapping doors? At any rate it’s what you accept to do. I buy/wrap gifts and put up a tree because I enjoy it. DH does fuck all because he’s not a Christmassy person. The majority of the work (cooking, buying groceries, planning stuff etc etc) falls to other relatives.

Christmas is a bit like getting married. A lot of stress and expectation, but ultimately it's up to you.

I have actually systemized the holiday (but, I am pagan and with six festivals a year, you do end up with a template).

Cards: print out labels, pour sherry and write. My side only, plus in-laws because I love them. DH is not fussed. One evening.

Gifts: online list set up in November, so anyone who enquires can be directed there. It has the happy bonus we can both add to it and there are no duplicates. DH is better at this than me.

Food: Christmas dinner is basically a three course meal with trimmings. We can both do it (and DH has done so, when I was going through the newborn phase). Top tip: you are the fucking manager, not a slave. So tell guests what to chop (they enjoy it and it stops everyone getting drunk). I also have no qualms about buying in a no-cook starters, stuffing and gravy. Anything that makes our life easier.

Decorations: I enjoy this. We now get the kids to do it.

Elf on shelf etc: No. Just no. That's imported American wife work from people who gave more time than sense. I do allow advent calendars (2 seconds) and putting food out for Santa as it's only polite to do so, for visitors.

It's only wife work if you are blackmailed into doing it.

I bet he's Christmasy when he's opening his presents and tucking into the food.
You either fully participate or you don't. He wouldn't get a present here after all he's not into anyway so he won't care. The only reason he would get food is that I couldn't see a person go hungry, although would load him up on the stuff we like but not love iyswim if there were loads.

Cant relate and I always fit in my dress because I dont snort food for 3 months straight over christmas and then pretend I dont know why my clothes dont fit.

Christmas wrapping paper really winds me up. It's such a waste of time and resources!

I have bitten the bullet and got a load of gift bags this year that can be tied up (no tape needed) and reused four or five times over.

I sometimes think about going down the Japanese route of using fabric.

It's just the whole year of sexism multiplied by 65 million isn't it?

It seems that way even if your DH does pull his weight. I'm a regular Ebenezer. I unrepentantly dislike this time of year and the dark, grim nights, as did my mother before me. Christmas is a SLOG, even though my DH (unlike my DF) cooks and helps collate the presents. OK so I don't have to spend a whole afternoon tarting up a tree to look like something out of Ideal Home, but I'm pretty creative and that's one thing gives the whole family pleasure. So I suck up that particular piece of WifeWork. I've stopped sending cards; so glad that's no longer in vogue and donating to charity is a thing. And I'm still knackered before NY Eve, usually having navigated some trouble the in-laws invariably fling in my direction. Christmas is carte blanche for them to create aggro and it's an opportunity they rarely miss.

The whole shebang sucks. DC's joy and happy little face makes up for a hell of a lot, and not for anything would I have them know my feel feelings.

Easter is my favourite holiday by far. I get longer off work, it always falls on the same days of the year so we know where we are, it's a better time for going away, the days are longer lighter and warmer and full of spring flowers. Less hard work, and no sense of duty or obligation. Win-win!

I love Christmas and dh doesn't. But... he buys and wraps the presents and sends the cards to all of his side of the family. On the one occasion we hosted on Christmas Day and on all the many times we've hosted family for NY , he did pretty much all the cooking (he loves cooking and is very good at it).
I buy the dc's presents, and the dc make wish lists which I send to relatives who want ideas of what to get them. The dc and I are in charge of getting tree and decorating (dh wouldn't bother with this at all, but I like doing it).

I think the rise in beauty advent calendars is based on women who do all the work for Christmas - including telling others what they would like themselves - just wanting a surprise for themselves. The calendars deliver that, when no one else does!