Christmas is just a load of wifework: discuss

[drspouse]

DH and I have a collaborative approach to Christmas though he tends to want to do less than I do in terms of activities, as our DS needs a bit of structure I usually overrule him.
He writes more Christmas cards than I do as we only do them for elderly relatives who don't have email and he has more of them.
However all family just want me to give them suggestions for presents for the DCs.
And could you just send me a link.
And what does DH want.
Oh can't you just buy it and I'll pay you back. Can't you wrap it too?
And the mums on FB... My goodness. And here too. I bet all the dads are not wrapping up the living room door and moving the elf and buying reindeer food. And working out which relative won't eat smoked salmon canapes and when to get their Ocado slot. And if they'll fit into their slinky dress for the work party.
It's just the whole year of sexism multiplied by 65 million isn't it?

Plus there's a part of me that thinks strange old men coming in your room when you're asleep is something we should be teaching children to be suspicious of, not excited about.

Nah, it's ok if they are elves, saints, or dead for 1500 years.

I have seen extended family pressure over stockings, because it can seem odd to parents if some cousins get them and your kids don't. But TBH I have mostly seen this perception on the part of parents, kids tend to just accept it. They might beg for stockings because they would like them, but it's a lot like not having a tv or video game console.

(My 12 year old at the moment thinks I am Beyond the Pale because she is the only friend without a phone. Some of that annoyance by kids for unusual choices is inevitable.)

I've known a fair number of families too that don't do Santa, but typically they don't go around pointing it out to other people's kids, and once their own kids are about school age they just tell them to be discrete. Little pre-school kids will argue about it but they remain convinced that their own family practice is totally normal and true.

We don't wrap stocking gifts. Just pop them in. Chocolate orange, personalised tube of sweets, trivia box, wind up toy etc. No plastic tat and nothing expensive.

Previous poster mentions not teaching the myth of Santa, which should of course be a free choice for each family, but in reality if you went round telling random 5 year olds

That was me. In reality, I only tell my own 5 year olds, not random ones. It is a free choice.

We do wrap stocking presents (even for teens) but the contents is entirely predictable - new pyjamas, a book, a chocolate orange, chocolate coins, their own pot of jam, an-apple-and-an-orange down at the toe, a silly present they don't know they need (this year, mugs with a recipe for mug cake on the outside; in the past it's been silly wooden chase-the-ballbearing games, or winter hats with beards on etc) and possibly one other requested gift from Father Christmas, depending on budget. I can now wrap a stocking in 10 minutes end to end!

This is something I choose to do, because it's an aspect of Christmas I like. This year I'm putting down a lot of the wifework done from obligation and if anyone else is bothered, they can pick it up. It feels rather transgressive, but very freeing.

Something for some to think about.
I have been reading another thread. Hubby didn’t really have contact with parents and presents were a no no.
Along comes female who feels I don’t know obligated and gets his parents a present. Since their child is involved the in-laws have shown why they shouldn’t be full contact.

So if you are thinking about getting your partners parents gifts. Respect their decision there’s usually a reason why.

Your own family might be close etc. But not everyone’s is.

The hosting thing is interesting. We now have the largest house in the family. Last year we had everyone staying here and boy was it hard work, 12 people in the house for a week. But we (DH and I, he is not a useless male thankfully) did it because otherwise DHs family would have descended on my recently widowed MIL. She's lovely and I didn't want her to end up doing all the work (she's in her 80s) which is what would have happened if we hadn't hosted. Suspect this will now be a regular happening but the laziness of some of the family is really annoying because they have never hosted and so don't know the work involved. Grrr.

@CountFosco, I hear you!

We are descending on my parents for Christmas. With the caveat that everyone bring something to the table (one for starter, one for the turkey, one for pudding,), plus what they want to drink. It cuts the bill and prep time enormously. We also divvy up the washing.

It does not excuse the bed prep or cleaning, but would that help you? Make it clear to you family it's not optional!

Hate it for this very reason. I pare everything down to the minimum. Small family gathering, no decorations apart from a tree, presents bought from now on, minimal wrapping, Christmas dinner and a few crocs and biscuits. To hell with the rest of the nonsense. DH does the cards 🤷🏻‍♀️

The beginning of our relationship and later when pg with first ds

Me: What shall we do about xmas, I'm not getting involved with hosting family and doing lots of preparation, and all the running about, cooking and that

Dh: Right, let's decide what we do want then.

We changed it for one year when my mum died and dad came over for xmas dinner, he wanted to go home after.
The following year, he had died.

It's really not hard, if you want fuss and the other doesn't, well you'll have to organise all the fuss.

As for kids, they expect what you do as traditions, not what society or other parents do for their kids.

Something I am thinking reading all of this - maybe it's important to differentiate make-work that can be gotten rid of, and things that can't.

If the extended family wants to get together for dinner, and people see value in that, it does mean work, and not work everyone enjoys. And things like who has the biggest house are real factors.

Family dinners might be the one area where it is almost impossible to pare down work to very little, and the alternative of not having family celebrations doesn't seem all that great either.

People can be weird about this stuff too. Since my grandmother died our dinner tended to be at my mom's or my aunts who live in town, who have large homes. One uncle hosted Christmas Eve as he didn't have room for everyone to sit to eat. Other siblings were out of town or disabled.

Mom and aunt were really getting tired, so my sister and I offered to take over, though neither of us had room, so we rented a church hall. We thought it was great, we did decorations, we had music, there was a nice commercial kitchen and dishwasher and we invited a few extra people as well. We didn't ask for anyone to bring anything really except contribute to costs somewhat and help clean up. We thought it went well, we had a ton of fun cooking together while our husbands took the kids to do fun activities, and thought that maybe next time we could invite a few more people without family to fill up the place a bit more.

Extended family - including mom and aunt - decided that no, they didn't like the hall. It was much to hall-like and they wanted proper dinner service and cloth napkins etc.

We didn't do it again but man, it seems to me like cutting off your nose to spite your face.

No cards here,except DD who does them for her friends at school.
I sort out santa visit, any other activities it depends of who thought of it first.
I do the elf and all that crap,but it doesn't bother me and OH will throw it somewhere if I forget.
OH used to do the dinner every year,but DD enjoys mine more(as in she'll actually eat it) so I do it for me ad her,and OH does all the weird fancy stuff for himself.
I wrap for OH and DD(also buy most of her presents) and OH wraps and sorts mine for Christmas and birthday.
We decorate together most years.
If I come up with some crazy idea I tend to do it myself.

It works,it's fairly chilled and hassle free.

What I hate is the pitying looks and tones of voice alongside "oh, is it going to be just the three of you then?". Fuck off.

The idea of 12 people staying in my house for a week fills me with horror! My parents stay for 2 nights and that's plenty, plus they do a lot to help with the children eg taking to the park, bathing them, bedtime stories etc.

I have a big extended family but we only ever get together at weddings, funerals and at restaurants so no one person / couple has to cater.

I do the elf and all that crap... Thanks for making me laugh out loud
My kids found some families did 'presents from Santa' as well as from them, which never occurred to me. Most opened presents first thing unlike my childhood literally waiting till after dinner and manual washing up, drunk parents chatting, before we opened a single present. Both me and ex did presents after lunch as kids and it was ridiculously liberating to go hang on, we can do this differently and let kids go for it first thing. Mine regard the regime of my childhood as child abuse but we never minded. Nor did we mind the zed beds and chaos. I realize how hard my Mum and aunt worked all those years.

Feels like a good time to resurrect this old thread!

Bet challenges haven’t changed THAT much in covid times!

I think women can be their own worst enemies with alot of wifework. I think if men are left to it Christmas would just be different because they genuinely don't care about a lot of the stuff. My husband does his own cards and sorts out presents for his side of the family but I leave him to decide who gets the cards. I sort out the tree and decorations but that's because he would happily not bother with either. I don't put up many though because no small kids and we both work. If people are here for Christmas they help and I expect to help if I go somewhere.
I do have a pared down Christmas compared to my mother and buy a lot of the stuff she used to make.

I think it generally is. I refuse to buy presents for SIL as I loathe her and The last straw was having spent quite a lot on a thoughtful present for her, only to receive a primark purse that had been reduced to 50p. This year I've put my foot down over cards. Ridiculous expense and waste and I don't see why I should do them for his relatives and friends. A bit bah humbug, but it was my late father (who was himself very helpful at Christmas) who pointed out ages ago that he(DH) "really does fuck all to help you out" - very strong words from my dad! DH is great at other times, but seems to think Christmas happens by magic.

I think in some ways it may be worse this year - fewer people to cater for but so much negotiation over who / whether to meet. And then thinking of safe alternatives (meeting outside plus all the logistics of location and disability and preference) and thoughtful presents to try and make people feel less lonely.

I have opted out from sorting this for DH’s family. But I love my MIL, and if he doesn’t sort anything then I will feel awful. She loves the DC and has had a miserable year.

I’ve got a very minimalist plan, just tree, basic roast dinner, presents only for DC and parents and DH. But it’s still fairly time consuming just getting the Tesco slot, quite apart from the guilt induced card writing, digging decorations out of the loft, finding (outgrown) Christmas jumpers for each child for the school’s Christmas jumper day, suddenly needed tinsel for the final ballet class etc.

Yes I could opt out. But it would make my kids stand out in a bad way. I have opted out of lots already (there’s a very active neighbours WhatsApp group encouraging us all to decorate our houses and the trees outside) but if feels like there is a basic minimum below which it would be socially painful for my kids.

I bet all the dads are not wrapping up the living room door and moving the elf and buying reindeer food

If you're daft enough to do this, well that's your look out.

I really have no time for whinging about "wife work" at Christmas- either do it and stop moaning about having to do it or don't do it.

@DidoLamenting You seem to have missed the point I made just above - the opting out has consequences for the DC. I’m more than capable of opting out of stuff for DH’s side of the family or things where it won’t make any difference to the DC (and even some that will, dd2 is sad that I won’t decorate the front of our house with lights etc) but just ‘not doing it’ would leave the DC with no Christmas jumper for the Christmas jumper day at school, no present or card for their teacher when everyone else has one, the only one in ballet class with no tinsel in their bun etc. I don’t think it’s fair to put them in an embarrassing situation for the sake of making a point.

Plus there's a part of me that thinks strange old men coming in your room when you're asleep is something we should be teaching children to be suspicious of, not excited about.

Bizarrely, my kids came to that conclusion on their own regarding the tooth fairy (I asked the youngest if he was putting his tooth under his pillow like his elder brother had, and he said no, he didn't like the idea at all, and might it be possible for me to do it for him so he still got his euro)

Like Beaufort, I just do the stuff I enjoy, and the stuff for the kids. I do respond to MIL's requests for present ideas (although I am in the habit of saying "I'll pass that onto DP" or "you should ping DP, he might know" about anything else).

When it comes to this stuff I almost feel sorry for DP - being selfish here means that he's really missing out on the kids having such a lot of fun - decorating the tree is always a hoot, who gets to choose what's on top is great, I still remember going and picking the tree each year with my parents, so I hope mine remember doing it with me, and watching the little one squeeze his presents and try to interrogate me on the contents is adorable. DP's missing all of that.

[quote BeaufortScale]@DidoLamenting You seem to have missed the point I made just above - the opting out has consequences for the DC. I’m more than capable of opting out of stuff for DH’s side of the family or things where it won’t make any difference to the DC (and even some that will, dd2 is sad that I won’t decorate the front of our house with lights etc) but just ‘not doing it’ would leave the DC with no Christmas jumper for the Christmas jumper day at school, no present or card for their teacher when everyone else has one, the only one in ballet class with no tinsel in their bun etc. I don’t think it’s fair to put them in an embarrassing situation for the sake of making a point.[/quote]
Sorry - are you a single parent? If not why isn't your husband sharing this burden you feel is inescapable?

How difficult is it exactly to write a card for a teacher and buy a generic box of chocolates along with the weekly shop. Same for Christmas jumper- although how exactly a probably man made item of tat probably made in appalling conditions in a third world factory and destined for landfill has anything to do with Christmas escapes me.

I'm somewhat incapacitated this year but even the day I came out of surgery I was getting messages from the in laws about presents for our DCs and if I could wrap them when they're delivered (doing a postal Christmas this year). Thankfully DH can sail this boat entirely singlehandedly, though I'm sure there will still be surprise from them all when he does Christmas dinner this year, as he often does. I think assumptions sometimes run in families, DH is definitely not the norm in his.

Sorry - are you a single parent? If not why isn't your husband sharing this burden you feel is inescapable?

Not a single parent. DH wouldn’t do these things as he thinks the DC shouldn’t be embarrassed by the lack of them. But as they are, it puts me in the position of feeling I have to do them.

How difficult is it exactly to write a card for a teacher and buy a generic box of chocolates along with the weekly shop. Same for Christmas jumper- although how exactly a probably man made item of tat probably made in appalling conditions in a third world factory and destined for landfill has anything to do with Christmas escapes me.

Ah, the usual ‘but it’s just’. None of these things are difficult. And I’m in the lucky position of having enough money for them, and good internet access which makes everything easier. But the cumulative amount of headspace and time taken up with them is annoying and quite substantial.

For example, I could try and source an ethical Christmas jumper (would take ages, would have needed to think about it in November, which I didn’t) or I could just go with the flow and a quick raid on my nearest cheap jumper shop (two hours out of my non working day) or Amazon / ebay (and just hope it arrives in time). I hate the whole Christmas jumper thing for the reasons you state - but understandably my DC don’t want to be the only child at school without them.

Or perhaps I’m just not as good at being a feminist as you. This is entirely possible - I’m working on it.