Christmas is just a load of wifework: discuss

[drspouse]

DH and I have a collaborative approach to Christmas though he tends to want to do less than I do in terms of activities, as our DS needs a bit of structure I usually overrule him.
He writes more Christmas cards than I do as we only do them for elderly relatives who don't have email and he has more of them.
However all family just want me to give them suggestions for presents for the DCs.
And could you just send me a link.
And what does DH want.
Oh can't you just buy it and I'll pay you back. Can't you wrap it too?
And the mums on FB... My goodness. And here too. I bet all the dads are not wrapping up the living room door and moving the elf and buying reindeer food. And working out which relative won't eat smoked salmon canapes and when to get their Ocado slot. And if they'll fit into their slinky dress for the work party.
It's just the whole year of sexism multiplied by 65 million isn't it?

God, yes, thanks for writing it down like that. It’s a shitshow of wife work. Then on Xmas day he’ll put on his chef’s hat, cook the dinner I bought and everyone will coo over what a fucking marvel he is.

If he's cooking he can plan and shop for it. You're not a mind reader to know what to chuck in the online basket.

Tbh, DH would happily do more, but I am anal about having the presents look half-decent, so I won't let him wrap anything that goes under the tree or to decorate it, as it would look truly awful
And is it the end of the world if they don't all look perfect. What if your child(ren) wrapped would you redo it? And why does it have to be to your standards, doesn't his count?

Bit harsh on the kids though, when Santa doesn’t show, eh
You can still do stuff for the dc's, as a joint effort (assuming your together) and stop all the other time-wasting crap. The waste of time crap isn't going to stop them from having presents. Food in, tree up, presents that's all they care about.
Ok, the first time they walk in from school and a Christmas decoration shop explosion in the house, they are awed. But come on even they after a few days stop taking notice. Without all that, they still have an awesome time. And they really don't care that great aunt Doris thousands of miles away who they met once ten years ago got a card or not. But then I don't remember people I haven't seen in years and wouldn't send one anyway.

ArnoldWhatshisknickers its a box given to children on Christmas Eve with some presents from I'm not actually sure who.
A special drink, special pj's, food for the reindeer, film, special bath stuff, some munchies for them to enjoy with their film etc.

What's a Christmas Eve box?

I have never heard of it outside MN but it's a big thing on AIBU. It's a box you put Christmas tat in to open on Christmas Eve, usually including new Christmas pyjamas so the whole family can snuggle up together wearing their Christmas pyjamas and drinking hot chocolate.

Oh, OK, that's a new one on me.

All we did Christmas Eve was make sure Santa's mince pies and whisky were left out.

Santa likes mince pies and whisky

One of mine got me in serious trouble over demented Elf on a Shelf. We were at one of his school mates houses and he noticed the Elf. Mum was enthusiastic about the marvels of it, and how it moves around the house spying and reporting back to Santa.
Mine didn't believe her so asked the mate who confirmed this thing moves around the house.
Mine looked at me - mum can we leave now and not come back. I know we have a ghost in ours, but at least he doesn't make stuff move. Do we have toys that spy on us as well? 🤣
This wasn't long after the elves had started becoming popular so not as known.

Bit harsh on the kids though, when Santa doesn’t show, eh?

I don't imagine most people thinking buying a child a gift, or even filling a stocking, is a really oppressive job. TBH though I think most kids could do with far fewer gifts and with less emphasis on them, and I know families where they have none as it isn't part of their cultural tradition and its fine.

There is however lot of stuff people feel has to be done at Christmas that is really not necessary. It's easy to get caught up in it, if it's what you did as a kid, or you have a romantic idea of what it should look like, or you just add things over the years, or your extended family pressures you. But there is really zero need for stylish wrapping, dozens of gifts for all and sundry, complicated meals, special pjs or elf on the shelf or reindeer food, cookie making sessions, decorations beyond a tree, etc. Extended family obligations can be more difficult to navigate, but even then people could do a lot less in most cases.
These things are great if you love them, but if they are a burden they are not necessary.

One year I must have lost the plot. There is no other conceivable explanation. I decided a couple of days before Christmas to give up chocolate. That year Santa had a banana for his snack 🤣 They are good to curb sweet cravings, for those that don't know.
I told the children that he's decided he needs to start eating more fruit and vegetables. Suggestions included sprouts, an onion, and some mushrooms (things they didn't like).

Spend all the money and time in the world making everything perfect and matching. But it will never buy those moments. They don't remember the times we were a bit skint. They won't really remember you putting in crazy amounts of work. They will remember the laughter and good times.

“wrapping up the living room door and moving the elf and buying reindeer food”

Yes can we all agree to just STOP with the new invented “traditions” like elf on the sodding shelf and Christmas eve boxes. Wifework, expensive, ecologically unsound and playing into the hands of the commercial machine which wants us to spend ever more.

I haven't got a shred of sympathy about anyone moaning about Christmas wife- work. None of it's compulsory; most of it's a pointless waste of time and money but if you want to make a rod for your own backs, up to you.

I don’t know - some of it is compulsory (or feels as near as dammit) when you have children and a wider family.

You can just say, Fuck it, who cares about Great-Aunty getting a card/ In-laws and seeing them over the holidays/ Christmas jumpers at school day/ advent calendars/ family traditions.

You can say Fuck It, but better by far if blokes said I’ll Get It.

No, saying fuck it is easier. It's crazy. Christmas jumpers in schools? When was that invented? It's only a decade since mine left school and never once was there a Christmas jumper.

Yes can we all agree to just STOP with the new invented “traditions” like elf on the sodding shelf and Christmas eve boxes.

Wifework, expensive, ecologically unsound and playing into the hands of the commercial machine which wants us to spend ever more

Exactly- these "traditions" are just marketing ploys to sell environmentally harmful tat.

We stopped Christmas jumper day years ago. It added pressure onto already struggling parents. More schools should consider things like this really, a fiver might not be a lot to some, but others and especially Christmas it can be financially crippling.

Instead, we asked for plain T-shirts, didn't matter the condition as long as it was plain. The kids then created their own Christmas tshirt. Without even suggesting this, people also brought in spares for if someone didn't have one. Nothing special had to be bought and was discouraged from, anyone who brought in a new one was given one of the spare ones if any left.

Since left and there was outrage apparently last year when the new head wanted to go back to the bought jumpers.

tbh sadly, this is currently least of our worries, after all, what is a wife?

You can say Fuck It, but better by far if blokes said I’ll Get It.

I'm not sure how that's really better, that's all the more people buying into stupid crap like useless clothing no one needs and only gets worn once.

Cards too, yes, if you have some special far away relatives, like a lonely great aunt, by all means send one, with a letter. But it is not necessary to do so many it is a burden. It can be nice, I love to exchange cards, but I gave it up when I had my youngest near Christmas and haven't taken it up again. Maybe I will in a few years, but I haven't had the time and to be honest the money. This has not caused any terrible rifts or disappointments, people understand. A lot of people are getting away from it for environmental reasons anyway.

Even seeing family stuff could really stand some perspective. As travel has become easier and more common there seems to be a lot more pressure to travel at holidays and also there may be three or even more families involved if there are remarriages and such. However, not that long ago it was simply accepted that when family moved away, seeing them would be much more of a treat. Again with the environment, not to mention the levels of debt many people have, maybe it would really be very positive if we began to consider dialling back the expectations. To say, you know, we just can't afford it, or even if the family is close by, maybe we don't need to see them all on one day.

If we want that to become normal though, people just have to start doing it. What might be a great thing for husbands would be for them to really support their wives if they get flack from their extended families about this kind of change.

With ExDP YES

With DH, nope. He loves Christmas more than I do

I agree, Christmas is a lot of work for me, always has been. But if I want my kids to have the traditions and memories that I had (not presents, but people and get togethers), so I do it and am happy to do it - knackered, but happy. DH works long hours, he chips where he can though.

For me, it was wifework, but mostly my own choice because I loved doing it. I’m no longer married, but I’ll still do the same things because it makes me happy.

One of my best friends cooks pizza, or something easy. Each person in the house gets one present, bought by another family member. Whatever works for you, go for it.

Ever since the youngest grandchild stopped believing in Santa our Christmas is very relaxed. We share the load. I decorate with a door wreath, stockings on the mantel and a table tree with ornaments that are sentimental to family members.
Everyone does their own wrapping. I am a definite Christmas bag wrapper.
Christmas breakfast is hot cocoa and a casserole. Christmas brunch is a pot luck. Everybody brings their favorite sides and I provide a ham. We eat, and unwrap gifts and the guys watch football while the girls polish off the good chocolates in the kitchen and then take a walk with the dogs. No alcohol in my house so no drunken arguments or passing out. Everyone leaves in time to get home before dark and then I get to eat leftovers and don't have to cook for several days. I love Christmas!

For me I think a lot of the wifework isn’t actual tasks like peeling sprouts but being the peacemaker and doing the thinking and planning. The woman is typically the one spending time & energy thinking about how to make the day/season special and memorable for everyone.
That’s the bit that’s most invisible too.

My house is very fair and equal, Christmas included.

However years on MN has opened my eyes to many women with CF partners and relatives! If people asked me what to buy DH (or worse to think of it and then buy it) my answer would be to ask them himself. It's challenging enough thinking of gifts for me to buy without being in charge of other people's shopping lists!

I think the answer comes in saying no/that doesn't work for me etc as once you do something once it's expected as the norm. So the chain needs to be broken

I found the perfect solution for Christmas.
Get a seasonal job in catering or a pub.
You have to work over Christmas.

Week leading up to Christmas, at work every day and evening so DH had to get everything done.

Christmas Day morning I was there for the opening of the presents.
Then off to work and came home Christmas afternoon to find DH, parents, in laws had done everything and Christmas lunch was ready.

Dishes were also washed after lunch because I had been working.

Next Christmas, repeat.

Bliss!!!

It is a lot of wifework but it’s part of my Christmas present to my DH who works ridiculous hours in the run up to Christmas. I literally just want him to come home and rest .

Wifework, expensive, ecologically unsound and playing into the hands of the commercial machine which wants us to spend ever more.

Minipie and Goosefoot were right to highlight the commercial pressure from media and social media in which everything is presented as women’s responsibility. That mug/card Dryheave found sums it up completely.

My SIL is amazing at managing to get the sparkly, magical effect while making sure that there is a fair division of labour - eg buying/wrapping the joint presents for her side of the family while my brother does his.

Just noticed the elf on the shelf advert coming up magically on the right as I write this!

Totally in agreement with posters who have said a lot of Christmas pressures are pointless and could be avoided. It's mainly about encouraging consumerism and spending more than you need to since it benefits corporations and brands.

Children need less presents, not more, these days. They should be learning that it's not about material things but spending time with family - relaxed and fun ways to unwind together for a few days.

Christmas should be about switching off and trying to relax, not getting super stressed and racking up the debt on the credit cards. Family traditions don't have to be expensive or complicated. It's the happy memories that count, not how many courses were on the dinner table.

Women have to find ways to overcome social conditioning. Yes, it's very difficult, but we expect human beings to resist much stronger, ingrained biological impulses - the parts of our reptilian brain. Social conditioning, is not stronger or more permanent than biological impulses. Therefore, it's not some inevitable consequence that is beyond the reach of our control.

The key, as mentioned above, is that men have to be supportive of their wives when the women decide they are no longer going to engage in these sorts of stressful activities. The men should stand up for the wives if relatives and extended family try to criticize her or complain about her efforts. That will lead to wider changes in society.

I agree OP. Like most things, it's all picked up by the wife. My H didn't do half of the jobs, let alone half of the mental load. I even thought of all the presents for the children.

I'm divorced now, and probably still do the same amount - the difference is I do nothing relating to him or his family. And I only do what I want. So there are lots of elves, advent things and baking. Lots of christmas shows and events, But not so much focus on food (it's just one day fgs!!) and snacks and stuffing our faces. I certainly don't want to spend hours in the kitchen on my own, so I don't. And I don't have to put up with pleasing anyone who I don't know and love.

(and his christmasses when he has the children are boring and lacking in imagination and magic - he doesn't wrap presents even and he disabused my dd of the existence of FC)

There are a lot of people (mainly women) who get caught up in the hype and commercialisation of Xmas. It’s mostly a load of bollocks and I don’t really blame people (mainly men) who don’t want to or feel the importance of it all.

That said if they are going to complain and moan that you failed in yiur ‘wifework’ to make Xmas happen then that is unreasonable.

But really we should be consigning a lot of our Xmas traditions to the dustbin of history.

As with most things, sit down now and communicate expectations and who is going to do what.