Christmas is just a load of wifework: discuss

[drspouse]

DH and I have a collaborative approach to Christmas though he tends to want to do less than I do in terms of activities, as our DS needs a bit of structure I usually overrule him.
He writes more Christmas cards than I do as we only do them for elderly relatives who don't have email and he has more of them.
However all family just want me to give them suggestions for presents for the DCs.
And could you just send me a link.
And what does DH want.
Oh can't you just buy it and I'll pay you back. Can't you wrap it too?
And the mums on FB... My goodness. And here too. I bet all the dads are not wrapping up the living room door and moving the elf and buying reindeer food. And working out which relative won't eat smoked salmon canapes and when to get their Ocado slot. And if they'll fit into their slinky dress for the work party.
It's just the whole year of sexism multiplied by 65 million isn't it?

Easter is my favourite holiday by far. I get longer off work, it always falls on the same days of the year so we know where we are

Days of the week surely?

We don't do Easter and I'm still miffed at my employers taking my September weekend off me but keeping Easter when they cut our public holidays, ten or twelve years back. We've already got May Day, don't need Easter as well, and now we have no public holidays between May Day and Christmas.

On the plus side we shut down between Christmas and New Year and being Scottish we get the 2nd of January as well as the 1st.

It's just the whole year of sexism multiplied by 65 million isn't it?

Yes! Love your OP and the fact that you specified 65 million - I think that's very accurate :o

I have reduced and reduced Christmas wifework by making agreements not to swap presents with most family, and just having us at home. I do a few cards for family and close friends, DC help with the wrapping (not their own presents obv) and decorating, and I set limits on how much school stuff I will attend and agree with DC what's most important. There's still stuff to do but I try to mainly do what I enjoy - quite like doing the tree, a bit of baking and shopping for the DC mainly online.

Separating from ex has also been great as no pressure to think about his mum etc. The pressure came from me - I felt guilty if I didn't get her something from the kids etc as he never would. But when we split up, she had nothing more to do with me so I said no more. I have no doubt it's a shit show now but not my problem. I also no longer have the irritation with him not pulling his weight.

I do agree a lot of women feel roped into doing loads of stuff they don't really need to, but it's very hard to just stop doing something once you've started.

Of course it's wife work for most people. I refused to do it one year and my husband didn't step up. We had no food or gifts. My son had left home at this point.
He's my ex now but that Xmas was so liberating. I haven't done it since and wonder why I ever put myself through all that stress and work.

I insist my wife does Christmas diner.

Having said that it's only one of three times she makes a main meal in a year, the other two being fathers day and my birthday. I cook every other day.

Not much Christmas wifework here usually. This is largely because I cannot be arsed with most aspects of Christmas.

The tree I like doing, because I like a bit of chaotic colourfulness and any excuse for fairy lights is fine by me. If ex is in the vicinity he'll do detangling the bastard lights to save DD from being subjected to an extensive sweary rant about entropy. His mother usually buys her a Christmas jumper, which gets worn for about six months.

He used to expect me to do the wrapping because I'm better at it and enjoy it. I refused on principle (the rant was epic). So he does his own, and confers with me to ensure no present duplication, and the only thing he buys that I wrap is my present to his mother.

I am already compiling a mental list of who to tag in my annual "I still suck at Christmas cards" facebook post.

Staying home for Christmas dinner, for the first time, this year. Planning one course and no fripperies. How hard can it be?

I honestly believe we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to deliver that perfect Christmas. Many of us are ingrained people-pleasers and it's amplified immensely at this time of year. Once our kids grow up we miss the magic it once had, maybe we are trying to recapture that.

I did an experiment last year to see if my DH would bother with my stocking. Long story short he didn't. He behaved like a massive arse in other ways (midlife crisis perhaps) and it tainted the day. His arsery carried over to new years. He likes to pretend Christmas/birthdays are no big deal but he would sulk if we gave it up, I know he would.

He does cook the whole meal though so it's not entirely bad.

Exactly - all this "just resist the pressure" isn't very sisterly!

Christmas has become so bloated that the main problem isn't really about who does what, even where it's pretty even a lot of families are overwhelmed.

The only real advice that will relieve the problem is to be very careful about what expectations you accept from other people and society. Your spouse clearly gets to have a say in the family Christmas, and this is where evening the work out can come in - if he wants something, and you don't care, generally he should take the lead in it or at least swap the task to take something else significant off your hands.

It's a reality though that as far as letting go of the unreasonable or unhealthy expectations we feel from other external sources, no one else can do that for us. And its not unsisterly to say so, quite the opposite.

Do a lot of people do stockings for their spouses? I think we might have done this the first year we were married but once we had kids it stopped. They are a surprising amount of work and expense.

@Goosefoot We try to keep it simple. A scratch card or two, choccy bits. If we buy a QS tin we split it amongst the 4 stockings (us + 2 adult kids). Gone are the days where it would be filled with lots of little gifts. Too expensive as you say.

Do a lot of people do stockings for their spouses?

Have only ever done stockings for children, stopping at 16.

In our family stockings are from Santa and contain felt pens, chocolate coins, note pads out of Poundland etc, because Santa has to give presents to all the children in the world. Used to confuse mine no end when other kids announced Santa had brought them a bike or some such. Big items were always from parents or other family in our house.

Many of us are ingrained people-pleasers and it's amplified immensely at this time of year

I'm a bit sceptical at this. I think a great deal of it is self- imposed martyrdom. The "people pleasing" is equally guilt tripping- "look how much I do for you".

"I think a great deal of it is self- imposed martyrdom."

I don't disagree.

Exactly - all this "just resist the pressure" isn't very sisterly!

Why should one not point out the sheer ridiculousness of this? I am not into being "sisterly" but if I were it might be more sisterly to point out the world won't stop turning if the "wifework" is drilled down.

We don't do a big Christmas, just a roast dinner with the addition of pigs in blankets, not into excess "for Christmas's sake" (any more), a few presents, corny Christmas films on the telly...

We (I - me that is!) used to do a big Christmas then realised it was all me, and all bloody well taken for granted -

the year where I had a heart attack at the end of November and everyone still asked if they were coming to us for Christmas was a real stand out moment... and it all ended right there.

BeyondMyWits that's disgraceful, I totally relate. I was off work sick with stress a week or two before Christmas one year - I hadn't meant to tell anyone but as I got a bit stressed about something I told my db. He apparently told dm, ddad and dsis I found out later, and yet not one of them, db included, asked me about it, asked if it was still ok to come or asked if I wanted to talk or if there was anything they could help with. I mean, what do we have to do to signal that we are not ok?

I had the opposite problem. Last year my mum was doing Christmas. She had mumps and because she embarrassed at having caught mumps in her 70s didn't tell anyone until we showed up on the day.

I live five miles from my mum, it wouldn't have been any bother to nip up and prepare veg, put up decorations, make mince pies etc or to arrive earlier on the day and stick the turkey in the oven. Ho hum.

I am not into being "sisterly"
To my mind, the opposite of being sisterly is every woman for herself and this leads down the slippery slope to it being every woman's responsibility to fight patriarchy on her own.
Never mind that some have not even heard of it or assume "ah the men I know are just like that" or "oh women are just better at thinking of gifts".
Ultimately if other women don't have your back, some women will decide the only way out is to try and leave womanhood.
Hence this young woman chopping off her breasts rather than organise with her sisters to get rid of a sexist work uniform.

Exactly - all this "just resist the pressure" isn't very sisterly!

I think it is the very epitome of sisterly - letting women know they can free their minds and the rest will follow. Stop buying into the commercialised image of the perfect Xmas and you will be more relaxed and equal and your family will probably have a better time without an unhappy martyr dictating unnecessary crap for them to have to be grateful for. Just let it go, sisters.

I'm really not sure how exactly I'm supposed to have other women's backs when it comes to Christmas, drspouse. What exactly is it you are asking us to do?

Be sisterly how exactly?

I think rather than the "it's your own lookout if you make too much work for yourself" attitude we should be working out how to ease each other's burden. Whether that's kind and practical suggestions, or radical changes to society, may depend on the situation.

we should be working out how to ease each other's burden.

There are many suggestions on this thread encouraging women to speak to their families if they feel it's all a bit too much or doesn't get appreciated. Ask them to share the load as it were. How else could we help one another?

I'm always amazed at how every year magazines and supermarkets etc use the phrase "your best Christmas ever!" and push you to have a better Christmas than last year I mean obviously it's to make you buy stuff, but it's clearly ridiculous - you can't keep having a better and better Christmas indefinitely.

But I suppose the reality is that even with knocking themselves out doing all the christmas wifework and trrying to make it perfect, for a lot of people Christmas is not great, it's generally stressful, overemotional and exhausting, so yopu look back on the last one and think "I'll make sure it's better this year".

But the best way to really make sure it's better is not to be pushed into doing things you don't want to and collapsing under the pressure to keep countless family members happy.

I absolutely love Christmas, DH isn’t so fussed. There were a few years when it definitely felt like wifework and there were a couple of times I got really stressed and lost the plot with him, resulting in us both being grumpy on Christmas Eve / Day. I realised that it was my own doing. I was the putting pressure on myself and aiming for a perfect day with us as the perfect hosts. I’ve cut the effort right down for the past 2 years and have loved every minute. DH enjoys it more too and has actually done an even share of what does need done off his own back. Probably because it’s the things that matter now.

Our Christmases now involve:

A few festive days out over December, agreed in October and put on the calendar.

The tree is now in the cupboard under the stairs after the year we fell out over me waiting on DH to get it down from the loft (I’m dinky and couldn’t manage). We agree which day we are putting it up, and it’s easy to get to, and pre-lit. The three of us decorate it together. And I’ve dropped any desire for perfectionism. It’s enjoyable and stress free.

We’ve reduced who we buy for, and everyone except DD gets only one gift each. I buy my family, he buys his, we discuss DD’s together. I try and have everything in by the end of November so I don’t need to shop in December. I do the wrapping because I enjoy doing it in front of a Christmas film with a mulled wine. I’ve been using up leftover Christmas paper the last two years and when my stash runs dry it’ll be brown paper and string.

We send very few cards, just to family members who live elsewhere and older family members / neighbours who genuinely appreciate them. He does his side, I do mine.

We blitz the house and prepare the veg between us on Christmas Eve, pick up the turkey and deliver presents together. I do the grocery shop a day or two before. It’s not really a hassle - it’s a normal shop with a few extra specific bits for the Christmas lunch. We don’t go overboard - box of biscuits, panetonne, buffet type tea for Christmas Eve.

DH does most of the cooking on the day, with me as sous chef and keeping glasses topped up. We do pate starter and PIL bring the trifle / Christmas pud. We all do a bit of washing up.

No Christmas Eve box, special PJs, elf on the shelf (DD has one, he’s just not very active). If those things work for you fine. Too much effort for me.

The last two christmases have honestly been so enjoyable and chilled. I’m pretty sure DD is going to have wonderful memories, like mine, but with me in them, being happy and stress-free unlike my poor mum.

Great thread.

I fucking hate Christmas.

It is nothing but work to me. I do everything...to be fair I'm a sahm of school age dc so I have the time, but I just hate it.

Even the day is fucking hellish. Endless cooking and cleaning up. I dread it every year.

I also hate the posts on mn where people say things like "we have a special meal on Christmas Eve". I'm like ffs...do I now have to do another fucking special meal the day before?! Because that's just more food shopping, prep, cooking and clearing up isn't it?!

Oh and I also hate the fucking Christmas food shop.

I'd happily never have another Christmas ever again.

Fuck that shit

How else could we help one another?
Restructure society so women don't both have to do all the thinking for men, and push each other to do more and more?