Trans Widows Escape Committee 3: Rise of the Trans Widows

[TinselAngel]

Less than two years have passed since the first TWEC thread and now its time for a third.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

Regulars- do post here to get the thread going.

Lurkers- now would be a great time to de-lurk.

Tyrotoxicity, I would like to think that I won't react when I see him unexpectedly, but agreed, that could be an unavoidable reaction for me, possibly forever. As for the Boggart exercise... I also love the HP series! I don't need to pretend to visualize it, my ex is quite accomplished at making himself look like an idiot, a big 20 stone guy who is obviously a guy, wearing skirt and heels. I don't think I will ever understand why looking like a caricature is somehow a better life for this person. But I'm glad I'm no longer a part of it.

Sorry, like an idiot I posted this on the old thread. Reposting here:

Can things get worse? Yes they can. I'm so devastated right now I don't even know where to start. yes I've been quiet. I guess I thought there was nothing more to say and I'd made my peace with it all. I WAS SO WRONG. Apologies this will be long.

Early in the summer my husband (transwoman-wife) lost his job. As we all know mentally ill men who lose their jobs are always a risk. He has a good job background and a good career path so we had high hopes for him finding something els , and his cnonections allowed him to take on some contract work, still it was an anxious 2 months. Plus, he was around constantly for 2 months. No breaks for me.

Plus, my son was around constantly with school being out for the summer. For background my son is a 23 year old aspie. High functioning but some hygiene issues and a bit sullen, but I figured he was doing well - good grades in school, one semester to graduate, has a boyfriend (I don't mind him being gay.) But essentially between the two of them being here I spent the summer never getting to be alone at all.

Finally my spouse gets a job offer, a good one, but it's a bit of a long commute away. We talked about it and since no other job offers had come through we decided it would be a good move to take, in fact a dream job aside from the rough commute. He accepted the job and got a start state of another few weeks away which brings us to September.

A few days before the start of the job we went clothes shopping to buy some (women's) business casual clothing suitable for work. We were out all day and came home very tired. We were watching tv and my son came to sit and watch with us, which is a little odd since he usually decides to sit in his room and ignore us unless there is food on the table. After we get done watching tv and are getting ready to go to bed, he says, "I have something to tell you. I thought and thought about it for a while and meditated on it and I decided I'm trans." I was literally so stunned I didn't know what to say other than ask if he had told his boyfriend. He said he hadn't yet and then he went off into his room again.

We went to our bedroom to talk about it. We didn't really know what to make of it either. I mean, he gave us no information and didn't want to discuss it further. I went to ask him if he needed anything and he said no so I went back to talk some more. (FTR my spouse also thinks younger trans people have all gone crazy.) We decided to wait and see where this was heading and remain patient and calm before rushing to judgement.

Meanwhile spouse started job. Have I mentioned in addition to dysphoria spouse is a hypochondriac? I am convinced these are connected - both inability to be in touch with the body's symptoms. It is obvious to me spouse does not like the job, finds it stressful, or at least really hates commuting to work so much. Almost immediately spouse began manifesting horrible "I am going to die omg i may have to quit this job" symptoms like horrible varicose veins (barely visible) that "could turn into DVT!" (one of his biggest hypochondria bogeymen). He has spent a few hundred on new compression stockings to avoid death from commuting.

Then he developed a cough from post nasal drip due to allergies. You know, that thing half of all people have twice a year? No, he's dying. He has been to the doctor three times, missed 2 days of work and spent hundreds on prescriptions. Currently he is on antibiotics he got from going to an urgent care center and getting a dx of sinusitis which he showed me triumphantly when he came home because he has begun accusing me of "not being supportive enough". For his cough due to postnasal drip, which I also have. I told him to suck cough drops. He got mad.

Meanwhile this week my son, without any further communications with us at all, ran out to a doctor, got a prescription for hormones, and now is going to get it filled, He is thrilled and when I told him quietly, "I wish you would have at least discussed this with us first" he became sullen and mumbled "Sorry". He didn't speak to me again for the next few hours and now he has stomped off to go get them.

I'm sorry too. I'm sorry I will never have grandchildren, watch him gain 50-100 pounds and possibly develop diabetes and cardiovascular disease at a young age.

Who are these doctors that are so willing to destroy someone's health on such a small amount of information? Why are they so bent on ripping apart families? How did this become my life?

@Oldermum156 I’m so sorry for all you’re going through. I sometimes worry that my daughter may come out just like her dad did. She has always wanted a more gender neutral name she wrote everywhere, even telling teachers that’s her name in school. She has a short haircut and is often mistaken for a boy. It’s all more than one person can handle some days.

Society seems to have gone off the rails lately and just giving in rather than questioning and treating properly. I don’t have any advice to offer, just sympathy and understanding of your pain. It’s a place no one should ever have to be in. Hugs to you during this time.

FTR my spouse also thinks younger trans people have all gone crazy.

Way to completely wash his hands of all responsibility. Does it not occur to him that he's normalised and legitimised transition by doing it himself?

It sounds horribly hard, Oldermum. I'd be tempted to have my own mid-life crisis and just bugger off and leave the two of them to it. You asked how this became your life - I can't answer that, but you don't have to just put up with it.

Blimey Oldermum, you've got a lot going on there. Most of us struggled with a transitioning partner... let alone a child too. It seems fairly obvious that your child is taking their lead from Dad. It all comes back to what you can and can't control; they're both adults even if they don't behave like them, and your role as supportive mother and wife is limited. It has to be, for your own sanity and their own development; both parties need to take responsibility for their choices. Isn't it now time to start focussing on what you want and need? You risk becoming held hostage to both people pursuing this, and it taking a great toll on your mental and physical health. Might be worth thinking about how much you can do for them, and help them, if you still want to stay with your partner, and carving out some headspace for yourself. I'd always suggest an escape plan in case it all gets too difficult. Both these men are now in the 'care' of health services and you need to step back. If you can afford some counselling I'd really recommend it, to get your head straight. Can't sympathize enough; I can't imagine one of my kids jumping on the bandwagon as well as spouse....

Apologies for delayed response Older, haven't been sure what I can say that will be helpful.

I'm worried all this will kill you. Please try and find a way out? You need to not be going over every single bump in the road with them.

I know one other trans widow whose son decided he was trans I could maybe put you in touch?

Sounds like one thing you could do with is friends/family you can talk to away from home. How are you fixed for that kind of private support? I think for many of us, that got us through

God how horrible :( I have nothing to add but huge sympathies and hugs. It sounds appalling and not a situation you should ever be subjected to :(

I've started a thread about the Lib Dem's attack on the rights of trans widows and would appreciate the support on it of anybody who follows this thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3717872-Trans-Widows-the-Liberal-Democrats-and-the-Spousal-Veto

Well done. There are some excellent thoughts on it. Particularly encouraging us to imagine men being forced to remain married to women in these circumstances which would of course never happen.

So glad to see this here, a friend of mine recommended this to me. I have been dealing with a husband who decided to start wearing my clothing (including lingerie, yuck) and has been talking about wanting to have sex with men. If hes talking about it, I think he may be doing it. I don't want to be married to a gay man who enjoys dressing in female clothing and will be talking to a lawyer soon (and burn all the clothes he tried on).

I'm afraid that's how it started for me, separation and divorce was the only answer. I know that sounds harsh but the fact is they felt that way from the start, and they always escalate.

Keep some of your used underwear as evidence in case you need it.

Hi @TulsiG, chances are he'll have always been a cross dresser.

Well done for asserting your boundaries as soon as you find out.

Does he know you want to leave?

Aargh! That was a one off amusing name change on another thread and it keeps reappearing. 'Tis I, TinselAngel.

Older, I can't imagine the stress you're dealing with. Please do your best to take care of yourself... these other family members can damn well take care of themselves without any help from you.

Have not broached the subject yet, I want legal advice. I loved him but he went off the deep end I think. I have always put out and lately it is his perversions rather than just being togetherness. I do not think that I can stay with him and would rather separate. If he wants to live a separate life as a gay man wearing dresses he can do so but not in my clothing. I doubt therapy would help I'm just disgusted

He won't consider himself a "gay man in a dress"
for much longer.

www.straight.com/life/1314551/bc-father-who-transitioned-woman-wants-daughters-call-her-momma

Canada, unsurprisingly. As for SP being "born with a defect" I have no words (except a string of expletives). Females with birth defects don't father three children!

Tulsi welcome to the club that no one wants to be in. Lawyering up sounds like an excellent idea. He's probably not gay though - there's this thing they call 'pseudobisexuality' and I don't want to get into the details because I'm eating my breakfast, but basically it's along the lines of not actually being attracted to men but getting turned on by occupying the pornified-submissive-woman role.

I know exactly what you mean about perversions rather than togetherness.

Hi, I just wanted to post in support of you all. I am not a trans widow but I was a the adopted daughter/grandaughter of a trans and my grandmother was a trans widow. Once he had transitioned his new family of other trans people he met volunteering through the the Beaumont society became his new family and I was pretty much discarded. as a child of a trans I am still discovering ways that it has moulded my personality. He has passed now, the hormones basically killed him, but I am still picking up the pieces of my fractured life. More research needs to be done into the harm these narcissistic people cause children.

Hi Dark and welcome. There are a lot of shared themes between ex-partners and the children of late-transitioning men. Betrayal, being discarded when no longer useful, lies, denial , selfishness and rewriting of your own history, and enormous loss. Children unhappy, sceptical or angry have it much harder than us as they have few places to express this. I feel so sorry for the line my kids have to toe at school although they report feeling a little less isolated when they hear a lot of scepticism amongst their peers about gender, despite their school being festooned with messages of rainbow joy. Mine say they question why their father ever had them, and whether he really wanted them, and who on earth this man in their childhood photos was (I have had many painful hours weeding them out of albums and the sound of his voice on family video so that they can look at them without upset). It must have had a huge impact on you, I can't imagine. Children look to parents for consistency and prioritization, neither of which many fathers discussed on this thread seem capable of.