Trans Widows Escape Committee 3: Rise of the Trans Widows

[TinselAngel]

Less than two years have passed since the first TWEC thread and now its time for a third.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

Regulars- do post here to get the thread going.

Lurkers- now would be a great time to de-lurk.

@socialworker222
It must be so tragic for young children, It was hard enough for myself finding out about it as an adult. It is the external expectation from a lot of people who just expect you to celebrate it. It makes me so angry that I was robbed of my father figure, and also my ability to grieve that loss. Some members of the family found it abhorrent and cut all ties and refused to talk about it at all and some were gushing over how stunning and brave he was. I just felt there was absolutely no space for my feelings. I realise now though that at some level I absorbed a lot of his dysfunction having my own body dysmorphia issues and a host of other issues. i think from living around someone who is totally dishonest and living a double life. I lived in a stage set, nothing was real. I managed to shield my own daughter from it. He was expecting me to go shopping for girly clothes and stuff but It just felt wrong and im pleased i protected her from it because I was so used to having my feelings trampled on.

reading about how the actual women in this thread soldier on doing "womens work" while these men just continue to act like men really is so laughable really. How they seem to be corroding womens rights in so many ways and women are sucking it up. I think some of these men are victim and all the children who are being pushed into taking hormones are victims but there are a high percentage of narcs and abusive perps out there expecting the whole world to bend to their fantasyand i find it repulsive. anyway it is really nice to be able to talk about it as I am still angry about it years after his death. Not all the time but every now and then it all floods back up again probably more recently because I can't seem to escape them, There are literally thousands of propaganda stories pushing it down peoples throats. Im scared that if I share how I feel il be prosecuted for a hate crime. it is truly insane and I hope in years from now sanity will prevail and people will look back at this era in horror. When all the adult children of these creeps have grown up and have to deal with their mental health issues.

Thank you for this thread.
I found it via a Reddit link and have spent the past few days reading this and the previous threads from the beginning.

I'm 18 years into a relationship (15 of those married) with an AGP. I want to leave but can't yet afford to. Like others, he's controlling and abusive in other ways and I'm worried how this will effect our son (9 years old, high-functioning autistic).

I was still a teenager when we started dating and he was my first relationship, as well as 10 years older. He started grooming with the BDSM fetish stuff early on, but the gender stuff didn't come about until much later. He was very right wing and politically conservative, so that clashed with his persona. His friends are anti-gay, anti-feminist, etc and he still plays a role to them on Facebook, while having his secret personas on the fetish sites

When I found women's clothing a few years in he excused it away with a story about a disguise for some sketchy things he was involved in. I believed it because crossing, much less treatment, never crossed my mind.

Many years later he passed for a threesome and open relationship, can and told me he might be by. Then the crossdressing ramped up and into our sex life. I couldn't, it killed my desire, so the over the top "submissive" act came in, when the first several years were all about how as I woman I needed to submit and cater to him in everything.

Internet snooping revealed he was all over"sissy" websites and crossdresser/trans fetish gross. I was saving up to leave and feel pregame, lost my job while pregnant. He got very abusive then, wouldn't touch me, had affairs with men and women, told me he'd be a better woman and better months than me and is never see my child if I left. Drained my bank account. My family didn't know how it was, so I had nowhere to go.

I'm still trying to find a way out. I worked it of town for a while and was happy, but couldn't have my son with me and can't rush losing him or split custody so I'm back in our home. He indulges in his online fantasy, tries to have affairs, gets mad the women see through the lies and manipulation and the men only want someone to use for sex. That part's almost ironic.

Hopefully I can leave within 2 years. He's destroyed my credit opening cards in my name to shop as a female and not paying the bills. By then, I should have enough paid down that I can wishlist to rent a place of my own.

Hi @DarkWaterone have you seen the "Children of Transitioners" blog? If not do have a look at it. I think it's important that women with your experiences try and find each other. As as well as all of you needing to support each other, all of our children will be needing support, like we have here, when they reach adulthood.

@Francesthemute Thank you so much for coming back and sharing your story of how you got out of the relationship. It will be inspiring to the women here who still feel stuck.

However difficult life can be on the outside, it's 100 times better than life was on the inside isn't it?

Do keep us updated about your new relationship. We all need some hope that subsequent relationships can be successful!

@firead I'm glad you've found the thread.

Nobody should have to put up with what you have been through.

Where are you? Are you in the UK? Have you had legal advice on finances and child custody after divorce? If not I think you should.

@TinselAngel do you have a link to it please, can’t seem to find it through google

childrenoftransitioners.org/

The author of the blog was also the OP of this thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3635936-children-of-transitioners

firead what a nightmare to live in, but you're on the road out. Sounds like you need a very safe plan to save/divert money, and break free. If you can detach yourself from what he's doing and focus on you and your son and what you need, it might free you up mentally.The relationship is a lost cause, abusive and entirely self-serving on his part. It's really grim, the reality of how these men live, and what you are going through, but you're already on the way to freedom, because you've made the decision to leave. Lots of women visit this thread when they are weighing up what to do. I would keep a record of abusive behaviour and threats, and anything to do with his treatment of your son, in case you need it later on. I kept a detailed record of my ex's poor care of his children in case he ever challenged their stopping seeing him (he didn't, he knew...). And if you have anyone you can trust in your life to support you, tell them exactly what's going on, and what you need to do. I'm sorry you're living through this; at some point in the future it will be your past and however difficult and stressful, you can't beat being free of these abusive men who care for no'one but themselves.

robbed of my father figure and also my ability to grieve his loss
How eloquently-put.
The mental health and emotional impact of this on children is entirely overlooked by the current focus on the mental health of the transitioner. In fact, it is denied, invisible. There is apparently no negative effect on children provided, as my ex told me, 'the mother is positive about transition'... so that'll be the woman's fault then
Children and young people can have entirely independent strong negative feelings about a parent doing this, but we all have to pretend it doesn't exist. One of my children has had repeat mental health support precisely because of how s/he feels about her father and the legacy of his bombshell. The notion that you simply get the same person in terrible clothing is simplistic and undermining.

No negative effect on the children? Hah!

DBro's ex transitioned for a few years. Their child was very small at the start. DBro was as accommodating as he could be without actually telling lies, and never badmouthed his ex at all, but there was still plenty of psychological fallout for their daughter.

Provided the other parent is positive about transition says it all, doesn't it? So long as everyone is buying into the transitioner's worldview, and teaching it to the kids as fact, then everything's hunky-dory. Except it's not.

I'm in the US.

I talked to Legal Aid at one point, but I am in a bad position because we have a child together. It is fairly affordable to file a divorce on your own, when the other person won't contest it, but there isn't help available when it involves custody. I know he will go for full or partial custody, in part to about child support, so I'm waiting until I'm in a better financial position.

Right now, what I've found has been pretty grim. I earn enough that I don't qualify for benefits or assistance but not enough to get a decent place with 2 bedrooms, even if he paid support. And he could petition so that I had to stay in this area, which keeps me from moving closer to family or to a city with better job prospects or a college to finish my degree.

Right now, I'm making plans and working on rebuilding my finances so when I leave I will not be putting myself and my son in a worse state.

He has bad-mouthed me to many of our friends, so I'm isolated here, but I know he'll probably publicly transition after we split, and that will make at least some of his lies apparent to former friends.

Re the effect on children - a family support worker, a CAFCASS social worker and a judge ALL said that DD had suffered a life changing loss akin to the grief experienced after the death of a parent. Her Daddy had gone and wasn't coming back and she was expected to accept this new person with no preparation or support. Obviously ex just stick his fingers in his ears and said but what about all the transphobic attacks on me, I don't feel safe. Judge told him it wasn't about him and his issues. He has never been allowed overnight contact or to take DD away from her home town during contact. So I think the effect on children is taken seriously by some.

Hi All, I have been following this for a while but still have a long way to go. I am a transwidow of five years.

Through another group I have been compelled to write to Procter and Gamble about their VILE decision to erase the Venus symbol from their Always products' packaging.

I will be back to discuss the other, multifarious, issues on the appalling trans situation but as my first post, please accept my letter to P&G.

The following email is to Procter and Gamble, its Board(s), managers, designers, shareholders and policy-makers.

I am writing to tell you that forthwith I will not be buying Always feminine products or, indeed, any Procter and Gamble products - of which I have in the past bought many, routinely.

The reason for this is because I believe you and your company have made a very big mistake in following the latest fashion for placing the rights of transsexual 'women' above those of natal-born women.

It is very clear that you are doing this as a result of pressure from the transsexual activists and you have made a mistake. You are unwarrantedly taking away women's rights in favour of the rights of a minority group.

Dropping the Venus symbol from the Always packaging because transsexual advocates claim it alienates 'trans and gender non-conforming customers by not acknowledging that they, too, can experience menstruation' is an objectionable and completely unreasonable assault on biological women.

In 2019, to make any kind of claim that natal-born men have periods, so as not to offend a minority that is intent on levering transsexuals into the domain of natal-born women, is to deny women their own specific bodily functions such as menstruation. There can be nothing more female-defining than menstruation and childbirth.

Women have been oppressed for centuries and groups of women such as the suffragettes have fought hard for us to have rights which are very quickly and subtly being eroded and chipped away through pressure groups such as transsexual activists.

Has Procter and Gamble done anything similar to remove 'male' symbols from its men's products to balance this out? Even if you did it would be exacerbating an intolerable situation.

I write as one of the invisible and innocent victims of the transsexual 'revolution' where men are being enabled to adopt female guises in astonishing numbers without any kind of psychological intervention, but merely by choice. I know this because my own ex husband is one of them.

I am a researcher and have done a lot of investigation into this subject which is very little publicised for the very same reasons that you have caved in to the trans activists' wishes on labelling.

It is time this stopped for everyone's sake but particularly for the sake of natal born women.

If you had done any research beyond what 'trans accommodating' label you wish for your company, you would see that there is huge evidence and concern about the mass-rush to accommodate those with 'gender' euphoria issues.

I will add one single link that I hope will show you that you have jumped the gun here and I believe you should reinstate the Venus sign, for women - the ones who need sanitary products - as soon as possible. It is interesting to see that your female razor line still uses the name Venus!

You need to accept and admit that changing sexes (the use of the word 'gender' is also a change that has been foisted on the world by transsexuals) is not a simple subject and one you can adopt so casually without knowing the facts.

Until the Venus symbol is returned to your sanitary products I will be boycotting every single P&G product and urging my family and friends (an extremely wide circle as a journalist and campaigner) to do the same. I will also be sending this letter to the national media.

threadreaderapp.com/thread/1171239053867569152.html

So you can see P&G's reply, check out their response and my reply below:

Dear Kayleigh,

Thanks for your reply.

MY email was more than 'feedback'. It is a complaint of the most serious nature. Please treat it seriously.

If you want to help, please do what I asked and send this on to the people I wrote it for - the Board(s), managers, those developing the products, the designers etc.

You say for 35 years you have been championing girls and women who have periods, who menstruate and give birth.

For a few months you have been championing transsexual 'women' and have gone as far as to erase the true female symbol - Venus - from feminine (women's) products to satisfy a minority pressure group.

"... not everyone who has a period and needs to use a pad identifies as female". Can you please tell me who these people are? We are talking about the transsexual 'trans-women' group, not someone who does not identify as female. You are distorting the true reason for your erasure of the Venus symbol from your packaging and trying to give it another, opposite 'label'. Who do you aim your product at?

Will you please tell me the percentage of buyers of Always products with regard to 'trans-women' and natal-born women?

You write: "To ensure that anyone who needs to use a period product feels comfortable in doing so with Always, we updated our pad wrapper design". Are you telling me seriously that you have removed this Venus symbol to help women and girls who actually menstruate, or those who would wish they did menstruate?

How do you give puberty education classes to men who purport to be, or would like to be women? We are not talking just about those with 'gender' problems in their childhood. But even so, any boy who wished to be a girl is never going to menstruate no matter how many female hormones they are given. What do you do to 'educate' these boys?

Will you please answer the actual points I raise in my emails and not send me statements Procter and Gamble have devised to try to ameliorate this very difficult and unwise decision the company has made?

I expect an answer, not from a consumer relations department staff member (although I realise you are under instructions as to how to manage such 'feedback' as mine) but the people I addressed my complaint to. Please refer to my original email to see who these people are.

Best wishes

-Original Message-
From: Consumer Care
Sent: Thu, 24 Oct 2019 17:10
Subject: Thank you for contacting Always [ ref:_00D80PUz7._5002E1RXBO9:ref ]

Hi, thanks a lot for your reply.

I really appreciate your feedback and I would love to help.

For over 35 years Always has championed girls and women, and we will continue to do so. We’re also committed to diversity & inclusion, and after hearing from many people across genders and age groups, we realised that not everyone who has a period and needs to use a pad identifies as female.

To ensure that anyone who needs to use a period product feels comfortable in doing so with Always, we updated our pad wrapper design. Our mission remains to ensure no girl loses confidence at puberty because of her gender or period and we do this through our puberty education programs, by providing access to period products with programs such as #EndPeriodPoverty, and by using our brand voice to tackle societal barriers and stigmas like we did with #LikeAGirl.

I'll certainly pass on your comments about this to my team and I'm grateful that you have taken the time to get in touch.

Thanks again and enjoy the rest of your day, in the meantime.

Best wishes,

Kayleigh

Gettingout welcome. I hope you're making progress with your escape after 5 years. But I think you need to move this to the other thread about Always; there's lots of interest and discussion on there but this is a support thread.
Enough, what an upsetting experience for your daughter; how heartening though that the judge put the child's needs and experience at the centre. 'Preparation and support' were woefully absent from my ex's treatment of his children. It was obvious to any compassionate adult that young people need both to even begin to manage this devastating bombshell, but my ex (who career-wise absolutely should know better) did neither. He too put his fingers in his ears, denied any impact on them, and did zero preparation for the transition. He also reneged on his agreement to work with me in preparing and managing the transition over a good long period, and just went ahead. My children rapidly stopped wanting to stay over as they felt creeped out and frightened. He lost them, and they lost their father. I imagine the negative impact on children is not talked about AT ALL because it is such a shameful and unforgivable outcome of late transitioning by parents.

PS Good to see a social worker not taking the rainbow celebration route (by the way I'm not one, I just use it as a name here)

firead sounds like you are wisely biding your time in very difficult circumstances. You're absolutely right, when this all comes out it will show people what you have been dealing with. I get the feeling things are much worse for women in the US than here in the UK; you have our solidarity and respect. This will end, and you will be okay, but it's hard going. Keep us posted

Mine still only dresses privately, but even that was too much for me, from the protecting-my-kid angle, cos the clothes don't just pop out of existence when they're not being worn. And how the hell do you explain to a small child what all these frilly knickers - clearly designed for women and clearly far too small for my arse - are doing in the house? When it becomes apparent that they're daddy's, what then? How's a little girl supposed to deal with that? With the growing knowledge that they're not just pants, they're the accoutrements of a fetish?

Buggered if I was sticking around to put DD through that.

@Gettingoutofthetransnightmare I don't think they think they are catering for trans women. I think they think they are including trans men, aka natal women.

(That doesn't mean I agree with always - in fact ive just switched brands because I don't. However I think they missed a trick by not just changing the packaging and not confirming to anybody why. They change design frequently anyway, and they could have just sidestepped it.

@socialworker222 and @WomensRightsAreControversial - thanks for your replies.

I am still wending my way through the escape committee sections and the Always thing is a new one.

I will be back. I have so much horrendous experience of this appalling nightmare and I'm finding it very therapeutic (but concerning) how many women there are suffering this thing.

There is SO much work to do to protect our own world while dealing with very disturbed ex husbands!

Agree Tyro. One of the things my kids reported finding most upsetting was all the clothing, make up etc. around their father's home. Despite agreeing to keep this private, he didn't, and my kids recall him having these items all over the place including in the rooms they slept in, which they found very disturbing and upsetting. This is not about politics. It's about respecting and attending to the needs and feelings of children.

It's the human rights of children too, that I'm thinking of at the moment.

We're supposed to have the right, as adults, to a healthy sex life. This is made very very difficult when you're repeatedly exposed to inappropriately sexual things as a child. And exposure to one's own father's fetish is inappropriately sexual regardless of how old you are; but to witness it as your first introduction to adult male sexuality? There's a fair likelihood of that messing you up a bit, sexually speaking, for a long time.

social I wonder, did he just not give a shit about exposing the kids to inappropriately sexual accoutrements that distressed them, or did he think it wasn't inappropriate? I will never understand what goes through men's heads.