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Trans Widows Escape Committee 3: Rise of the Trans Widows
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TinselAngel · 18/08/2019 18:28

Less than two years have passed since the first TWEC thread and now its time for a third.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

  1. You are not alone
  2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
  3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

    Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

    Regulars- do post here to get the thread going.

    Lurkers- now would be a great time to de-lurk.
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TinselAngel · 18/08/2019 18:29

Link to thread 2
Trans Widows Escape Committee 2- The Trans Widows Strike Back.. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3471122-trans-widows-escape-committee-2-the-trans-widows-strike-back

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TinselAngel · 18/08/2019 18:30

Link to thread 1

Trans Widows escape committee www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3101834-trans-widows-escape-committee

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Terfnserf · 18/08/2019 18:42

May I ask something I have also wondered about, apologies if already covered in previous thread.
When your husbands start to transition and wish to be viewed as women, do they insist on taking over the more traditional women's roles, like child care, elder care, generally all the things you were doing as his wife. I know that sounds a bit sexist but women do generally do the heavy lifting in those areas still.

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Weezol · 18/08/2019 18:50

Just dropping in to open the free caff - BrewCakeWineGin. Chips and gravy are available all day every day.

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TinselAngel · 18/08/2019 18:51

No they don't, Terfnserf. They continue to act exactly like men. Funnily enough the unpaid labour aspect of womanning isn't as attractive to them.

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Tyrotoxicity · 18/08/2019 18:53

I burst out laughing at that, Terfnserf.

He has zero intention of doing the wifework.

He'll do housework - because he likes being told what to do by a woman, and gets off on being made to do degrading shit, and it has the added bonus that he gets to feel like he's doing all the horrible household chores so I should be grateful.

He won't do any of it properly though, and he won't take responsibility for actually remembering and keeping on top of any of it.

It drove me utterly demented.

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BadgertheBodger · 18/08/2019 18:56

Delurking just to express my ongoing admiration and awe for you wonderful women. You’re all incredibly strong and reading your stories for the first time blew me away. I’m so much more interested in you, and your children, than I am in your transitioning husband/partner. So, thanks for sharing your stories, it’s a hugely powerful thing to read Flowers

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TinselAngel · 18/08/2019 18:57

For completeness,here is a link to a thread discussing a recent relevant article which not all the posters in the last thread may have seen.

A plea for help for feminists from a trans widow www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3666000-A-plea-for-help-for-feminists-from-a-trans-widow

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RedToothBrush · 18/08/2019 19:04

Following with interest and with admiration.

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Joisanofthedales · 18/08/2019 19:08

Love and respect to you all. Flowers

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socialworker222 · 18/08/2019 19:50

Great article, thanks Tinsel; the author was so clear and succinct.
I too snorted Terfnserf; my ex did not more housework, laundry, shopping or cleaning while transitioning than before (which was virtually nothing). It has been fascinating to see where his energies went (himself, his clothes, his coming-out) and his absolute inability to understand women's work was glaring proof that he just wasn't one. Just like the skirts and make-up, late transitioning men just cherry-pick certain parts of being a woman. Third thread, what a triumph, thank you Tinsel for making this happen

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SheWhoMustBeSilent · 18/08/2019 19:59

You wonderful woman, @TinselAngel . Thank you for keeping these TransWidows threads going.

And thank you to all you lovely women who are able to talk about your horrendous experiences.

We see you, we hear you and we are with you all the way.

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OrchidInTheSun · 18/08/2019 20:11

It's interesting too that so many men wait to transition once their kids are beyond the baby years. I guess the nappies, puke, screaming and reduced salaries of women in the throes of caring for small kids is also an unappealing part of womenhood Hmm

Just wanted to give you all a big cheer from the sidelines - I don't post much because I'm not a transwidow but I think you're awesome ❤️

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LangCleg · 18/08/2019 20:18

Big up to thread three.

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WomanBornNotWorn · 18/08/2019 20:28

Hello, respectful lurker here who hasn't had your experience and wishes you and your families all the best for the future. I'm so sorry you've had to cope with this and hope you all find solace and support here among your peer group, especially if you aren't receiving it in real life. XXX

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Victoriapestis01 · 18/08/2019 21:12

Hello, another respectful lurker here. The point about wifework- it strikes me that this might be quite important. Is it?

I’d wondered that too. They’re not doing the washing, buying the school uniform, ironing, arranging play dates and clubs, and remembering the mother in laws birthday, then? Just getting the fun bits?

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TinselAngel · 18/08/2019 21:36

I'm getting all the glory here, so I'd like to thank fellow trans widow @socialworker222 for her consistent support on these threads and for often saying things with far more kindness and patience than I can muster. Thanks

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Tyrotoxicity · 18/08/2019 21:39

He doesn't remember his own mother's birthday, let alone my mother's.

When invitations to birthday parties started happening, it didn't occur to him that I might not automatically take on all responsibility for rsvping, choosing and purchasing and wrapping a gift, and actually taking our daughter to parties.

He was a bit stunned at the lecture that followed. We made a deal - if it's soft play he does it, otherwise I do. We'll probably have to revisit this in a few years when her peers are outgrowing soft play, but so far he's stuck to it. Whether this is because he acknowledged my many eloquent points or because he knows damned well he'll get an even longer and swearier lecture on his responsibilities as a parent and a human being if he doesn't do it properly, I wouldn't like to say.

As for whether he'd stick to equitable sharing of birthday party parenting responsibilities if and when he takes that final step and flips from "lol ofc it's a fetish" to "look at me I'm stunning and brave" - my hopes are not high, based on what I've seen here.

At least for now I get to privately celebrate whenever a soft play invitation comes home, because it means DD gets to do the whole birthday party thing and I don't have to do anything.

Other parents have commented on how good he is. I always take the opportunity to chat about how I point blank refuse to take on all the shitwork and if he wants me to co-operate in him being part of our daughter's life then he has to parent properly.

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Italiangreyhound · 18/08/2019 21:48

Just deluding to say hello to all. You all deserve to be happy. Xxxxx

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TinselAngel · 18/08/2019 21:54

Thanks for your help on previous threads too @Italiangreyhound (this is like the Oscars).

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SheWhoMustBeSilent · 18/08/2019 22:05

Autogynephilia is only about the self of the man ... and his sexual fantasy about being a woman as a sexual being.

Such men do not see womanhood as anything other than as a sexual relationship to them as a man. [See Trans Pornography.]

Autogynephilia is all about sexual power relationships .. it is not about any aspects of domestic life management.

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Italiangreyhound · 18/08/2019 22:08

TinselAngel you are too kind. Xx

As you know I am not a trans widow but we do have trans people in wider family and friends. I am very much passionate about every one being happy. I hate that anyone is stuck in an unhappy marriage, for any reason.

Strength to all of you fabulous trans widows. Flowers

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Ereshkigal · 18/08/2019 22:08

Not going to intrude further, just wanted to let you all know how much I support you and this valuable space Thanks

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Italiangreyhound · 18/08/2019 22:23

delurking not deluding!

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Grumpypurplecat85 · 18/08/2019 23:06

Long time lurker (but only just actually joined) I just wanted to thank you for sharing your experiences and to say you are heard

What you are describing seems worse then bereavement. We lost my dad when I was a teenager my mum was devastated BUT

  • she still had the memory of the happy relationship the person was gone but that remained
  • widowhood (secondary to bereavement) has an accepted social role and people rally by to offer support nobody expect the bereaved to celebrate
  • widows are entitled to certain financial support

    It seems trans widows go through this terrible pain of loss but without the closure and support that bereavement brings
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