Trans Widows Escape Committee 3: Rise of the Trans Widows

[TinselAngel]

Less than two years have passed since the first TWEC thread and now its time for a third.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

Regulars- do post here to get the thread going.

Lurkers- now would be a great time to de-lurk.

Alone lonely
We are here for you.
returns to live in the cupboard under the stairs

AloneLonelyLoner and welcome.

Totally get you on the 'my head exploded' - I was there a week ago with a rapey ex. All you can think is "wtaf???"

You don't have to come to terms with who he says he is, though. You know what he is already. And, as a friend of mine said to me the other day: You rape us, you don't get to be us. So fuck him and his identity.

Hi Alone - you are not alone here.

My ex was the most abusive, misogynistic, gay hating, liar you could imagine. He called gay people "the fucking gay mafia taking over the media" and had multiple affairs. Now he's the poster girl for the LGBT community and attempting to become an parliamentary candidate on all women shortlists.

It's very distressing to see them become this protected "stunning and brave heroine" when we know the reality. I remain hopeful the mask will slip and it'll all be exposed eventually. After all they are the same people they always were.

My ex is also homophobic; he is more worried about being labelled 'gay' than anything else.

AloneLonelyLoner, welcome. And yes, all of this is a mind f@ck. It's taken me a lot of journaling time and support groups and therapy to even start to get past it. I wish you well.

Thank you so much for your kind welcome. I feel so happy to have been welcomed here. It really has made me smile.
I had no idea that the current trans wave was so full of abusive woman-haters (because this is how it seems). I just thought 'mine' was the only one.

I try really hard to not let it colour my viewpoint of trans people in general but damn it's hard work and some days I just can't give a flying eff about it.

Alone the trouble is, the world in general is full of abusive woman-haters. Trans ideology gives them carte blanche to indulge their abusive woman-hating while telling them they're the victim rather than the abuser. You can see how it would appeal to someone with that sort of mindset.

Are "trans people in general" giving any shits whatsoever about you and your experiences? If the answer is no, then I'd say you're not obliged to feel guilty about developing a healthy degree of scepticism towards the entire concept.

@Tyrotoxicity you are right. This is the only reasonable way to look at it otherwise I'm guessing (and this is how it feels) we become victims all over again.

I refuse to do this.

There are trans people (generally who have been so for a very long time and aren't offended by being called transsexual) who are very concerned about the abuse and violence towards women by these men in late middle age who are suddenly "women". Miranda Yardley for instance.

Sorry delurking as not core member of this thread (my xh had started to transition before he met me but had detrans almost immediately). I do have a comment though about submissiveness in sex and i entirely agree. I had some experiences with dominant men and some experiences with submissive men close together in time. In terms of me getting sexual things i liked and wanted, the two were remarkably similar.

@TemporaryPermanent this is a very astute comment and this has been my experience also.

I think a lot of people don't realise the fine line between dominant and submissive behaviour.
In BDSM terms, in a healthy BDSM relationship the submissive actually holds all the cards, which is fine in a healthy BDSM relationship, but... I think this carries through in many ways to non-healthy, abusive non-BDSM relationships where the sub is the man, but it's a cynical and often wicked manipulation of the feelings of the woman in the relationship.

Hi Alone, welcome, you are among friends. These threads have saved the sanity and eased the distress of many women, me included.
I've concluded that a lot of people who do this fed up, my ex included (major daddy issues, being teased for perhaps being gay by daddy etc). They remain fed up, damaged, disordered people before and after transition, but afterwards of course benefit from and exploit current political thinking on the trans ideology, to continue to behave in fd-up and abusive ways, but with loud applause all round. The MN threads on men dressed in nappies/little girls' dresses at Pride, note the increased forced 'acceptance' of these behaviours, when in fact in my view they are just fed up people carrying on doing what they always do.
You may find it helpful to have trans friends who behave reasonably, as it could help you separate your ex's entirely unacceptable behaviour, from the 'trans' part.... everyone is different.
I find every trans 'thing' that comes up in the media or real life a new poke, to set me off feeling bad, and affected, regarding my ex. I know my kids do, and their social media world is just awash with the 'stunning and brave' narrative which makes their 'pokes' very distressing.
But I'm sorry you've had such a terrible time; there is a way through and out and the previous suggestion of counselling totally saved me.

Sorry, it should read 'people who do this ARE f*ed up'

@socialworker222 I'm really grateful for your words. Thank you.

I've been thinking a lot about this all day. I have had a bit of a wake up call in that, I am not entirely sure that my trans friends are as innocent as I always tried to believe of them (I always struggled with this because of the obvious), so as you said above, I'm not sure I can carry on.

I'm just not buying their victimhood anymore. I'm just not. I have one trans man friend and there is no victimhood there. He is a strong person who is now living as he sees best and won't even enter the fray so to speak. The trans woman I know? It's just a hellish shit show and I'm starting to realise that it's all a way of having the women who surround him undertake heavy emotional labour on his behalf and disappear in his wake. It's really disturbing.

My ex was just a psycho (anyone who takes a broken bottle to someone's vagina can't be anything else surely), but his act now? Not so different from the other ones I've seen. It's like I've woken up from some fever dream to realise that all the bad shot was real and everyone is in on it. Like I'm being gaslighted, like we all are, on a massive scale.

AloneLonelyLoner I am so very sorry for all you have been through. Are you gerting counselling for this trauna? Did you report your ex for his violence? Please get whatever help you need.

You do not need to fight the corner of trans people. Sometimes you have enough going on in your own corner.

@Italiangreyhound thank you so much. I have had various therapy but all of it relating to my self-harm and eating disorder. All brought about by his behaviour certainly. I've never really told anyone what he did to me. He was arrested and charged countless times. He never did prison time.

AloneLonelyLoner please see the bit on the thread about 2 pages back about Eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (EMDR) which is available for PTSD on the NHS.

Yes the two trans friends I have are transmen. They don't tell men what they are, they don't demote them as "cis men" or physically or emotionally abuse them. They are the same people they always were including what they wear, but now have facial hair and receding hairlines as a result of testosterone therapy.

Thanks so much @Italiangreyhound . I shall look now.

Delurking to say that the transwidows are the lifeblood of this board because they can teach us what's really going on behind the 'I'm a woman now' mantra. It's a true insight into Autogynephilia that is vital in understanding the Transmovement and why these men want to violate our rights as females, why they have had doctors fired, the man rage they display etc.

Just wanna say how valued you women are

~mancheeze

Thank you HouseMouse - these particular "women" are not stunning and brave. They are women haters who want to erase us completely - tried destroying us and our children in relationships, but didn't succeed. This is their next step.

ItsOnAmericasTorturedBrow That's their female socialisation in action. The Transwidows threads are proof positive of male socialisation, entitlement and patriarchal fuckery.

Hi Alone, I haven't much to add to the excellent advice you've already received here, but I'm glad you have found this resource. It can feel like you're going mad when the scales are still in the eyes of everyone around you. It's a relief when you find others who have shared some of your experiences.

And remember Alone, you have the right under the Care Act to ask for referral to secondary mental health services with ongoing or unfinished issues. You certainly shouldn't have to tolerate this alone. I hope you recognize how tough you are. You sound like someone who has great strength.

@socialworker222 and @TinselAngel both your words have made me smile. So damn much.

It is like a door has been opened and I know I'm not utterly crazy anymore. That affirmation is beyond value.
Al the women here are priceless beyond words. I'm so grateful to have found you all. You are all so strong. We all are.