Banned from women-only FB group

[maet]

A trans woman edited by MNHQ because OP is using second language posted in a women's only FB group wanting free emotional labour and "validation" from untrained women to help them with getting over their abusive ex boyfriend.

I stated it wasn't appropriate to ask untrained women to take on their emotional labour, especially considering what had happened to them was so traumatic (according to them they ended up in hospital), and especially not for free and suggested they seek professional help instead.

Cue trans woman and women stating I was being transphobic, and "wouldn't understand the fear a marginalised group would go through."

I was told I hadn't been through a traumatic experience before so couldn't possibly understand what the OP was going through.

I've been banned from a group specifically designed for women. Nowhere in the post did I mention anything about the OP being trans.

I am so sick of this shit. The world has gone mad.

You were fairly heartless. She wanted help and was asking for it in a safe space designed for abused women.

But isn't that just what we do on MN? Give hand holds and support each other.

Would you have posted the same response if it was a woman asking for help?

is that what the group is for? have others asked for support in that group what is it about this person that made them different if others have done this in before?

if the answer is yes then why are you challenging this now?

No, no one else asks for help. This person was not seeking professional help and wanted women to provide all emotional labour for them. That's not appropriate. I'm tired of having to centre men all the time.

@Teddybear45 this is not a group for abused women.

@PremierNaps we don't ask for others to be our therapists. This person wanted an untrained woman to sit and validate them and listen to all of their problems and issues. That's not appropriate or conducive to a positive outcome for the OP.

@HugsAreMyDrugs if a woman asked, yes I'd have the same response. Although no women in the group ask for untrained emotional labour and validation.

What is the purpose of the group? If it's about women in business YANBU. It really depends on the context.

"A trans woman edited by MNHQ because OP is using second language posted in a women's only FB group wanting free emotional labour and "validation" from untrained women to help them with getting over their abusive ex boyfriend"

I think you need to explain this further - what kind of group was it? I can hand on heart say that I've never heard a human being - male or female ask for 'free emotional labour' before now so if you could explain what they actually asked for (shared experience, a listening ear, what?) it would help.

I can't understand your post presently and would like to.

OP although I agree with you, I suspect the issue was how you expressed this as free emotional labour. You can see on this thread how women don't understand what you are trying to say.

Women in tech start ups.

I don't think it matters though. Men shouldn't be asking women - complete strangers - for free emotional labour and validation and when they object calling them TERFs. I don't understand why this person was even in the group.

I can't really comment as I have a vagina and breasts and sometimes confide in work colleagues about difficulties I'm having and never before have I considered that I'm soliciting free emotional labour from them.

In your view I am, and I will rethink that as it's never occurred to me that I'm expecting free emotional labour from them (though I am prepared and have given the same in return).

What is “emotional labour”?

Is the groups purpose help and support of abused women? Or is it a netball coaching resource? If the latter then i agree, there are better places to ask for support. If the former is that not the whole point?

I don’t get what you’re trying to say tbh.

I think your response was possibly not well worded but it does sound like an inappropriate space to be discussing such matters and not one that would be used by females in such a manner. It's about the me, me, me I suppose.

And yet here you are asking untrained women for free support, emotional labour and validation 🤷🏼‍♀️

@MilkTwoSugarsThanks where have I looked for emotional labour and support? I'm venting in a space that's mostly used by women. Not asking for anything in return.

@takemyhandtakemywholelifetoo it's different as we are strangers to this person. You have a relationship with the people you work with.

@bluebluezoo it's a group for women in tech start ups. There are never posts about asking women for support such as this. We just discuss professional matters.

I really want to see your point of view, but as a woman who has been through abuse and been rejected by other women with exactly your attitude when tallking sbout it (i.e. you need a professional/I can't help/go away and talk about it in private) I can see why the other people in your group would have felt that you were victimising the poster for sharing something traumatic.

As opposed to you objecting on the basis of their biology, which is quite separate.

So I guess the question is, if it's a tech forum and trauma discussions don't belong there then why centre your objections on trans and free emotional labour?

I don't think a women in tech start up group is an appropriate place for anyone to utilise as personal therapy. I'm presuming the group has a professional and business focus?

I can understand why you felt it was inappropriate. I've been in a similar situation before, not with a TW but just someone pushing the boundaries of a group space beyond what it intended for.

Not asking for anything in return

I assumed you were looking for validation of how much in the right you were and how unfair that you were banned.

Without knowing the purpose and tenor of the Facebook it's impossible to know if discussing personal and emotional matters was appropriate and/or commonplace. If it is your reaction isn't

If such discussions were not appropriate or commonplace there are probably better ways of dealing with it (ignoring being one) than the way you seem to have.