Banned from women-only FB group

[maet]

A trans woman edited by MNHQ because OP is using second language posted in a women's only FB group wanting free emotional labour and "validation" from untrained women to help them with getting over their abusive ex boyfriend.

I stated it wasn't appropriate to ask untrained women to take on their emotional labour, especially considering what had happened to them was so traumatic (according to them they ended up in hospital), and especially not for free and suggested they seek professional help instead.

Cue trans woman and women stating I was being transphobic, and "wouldn't understand the fear a marginalised group would go through."

I was told I hadn't been through a traumatic experience before so couldn't possibly understand what the OP was going through.

I've been banned from a group specifically designed for women. Nowhere in the post did I mention anything about the OP being trans.

I am so sick of this shit. The world has gone mad.

I really want to see your point of view, but as a woman who has been through abuse and been rejected by other women with exactly your attitude when tallking sbout it (i.e. you need a professional/I can't help/go away and talk about it in private) I can see why the other people in your group would have felt that you were victimising the poster for sharing something traumatic.

As opposed to you objecting on the basis of their biology, which is quite separate.

So I guess the question is, if it's a tech forum and trauma discussions don't belong there then why centre your objections on trans and free emotional labour?

I have name changed, but my first post on here was about asking where to go for help after being raped. I asked in the appropriate place, and was guided there. Friends offered their support, but never did I expect them to provide me with all support - I also had help from professionals. This person did expect complete strangers, in a completely inappropriate place to work through their problems for them. They started emphatically they would not seek professional help.
I never mentioned the person being trans, but was somehow accused of being transphobic simply because the OP was trans. I was opposed to the OP asking strangers for this type of support, and on such a widely inappropriate forum.
My post is basically saying women can't have safe spaces, and can't say anything to trans women that's not close to fawning all over them without being accused of transphobia.

@LassOfFyvie no, just venting.

This is a tech start up group for women, it's not a place where people ask for help with what are described by the OP as "traumatic events".

There was no warning as to what the post would be about either. There could have been many women in the group who have been through traumatic events for which the graphic nature of the OP's post could have upset. It's not a group in which you expect to read about spousal abuse. It's not the purpose for the group.

I'm with you, maet. And I've seen exactly the same happen in other all-female groups.

I think you are getting a hard time OP and it's possibly to do with the time off night and who is around.

Personal issues don't belong on a professional forum, whoever is posting them.

I'm really sorry to hear of your experiences.

I am also really sorry to hear of the poster's experiences.

I have been through similar. I don't think I always posted in the most logical of ways when I was in the thick of it - some do, and some don't.

I don't think the person you are talking about sought help in the right place, but perhaps that was beyond them give their circumstances.

I'm gender critical but I understand and respect that trauma responses are not always logical . That included the poster you referred to, your responses. And mine.

• time of night. Need to get some sleep myself.

" I'm sorry that they couldn't recognise a narcissistic male using their socialisation against them. "

That is not a fact. This could be a gender dysphoric, vulnerable person (who is referencing abused) on what grounds is it ok for you to declare them narcissistic?

@maet
Obv I don't think you were being unreasonable. And I love that you identified the validation they require as emotional labour from women, which of course it is

"And now a woman who needed to use the group is no longer allowed to use the group, yet he is allowed to remain."

Presumably because you broke the rules of the group?

If it's any consolation in about a years time half the women who berated you will probably have dropped out of the group as it inwardly combusts.

My experience with this type of thing has taught me that it only takes one high demands individual to destroy the dynamics of a group from the inside if they are so determined to.

It's possible that this person is having a one off genuine crisis and won't ever side track the space again but it's more likely, having received lots of affirmation and attention, will just ramp it up further.

@OvaHere very true.

I think you have correctly identified the problem. The transwoman did not just want advice about a relationship, which is okay, but "validation"--i.e; insistence that women specifically agree with this person's stated self-perception which is at odds with physical reality. The person is demanding that women say, "You are the same as I," when this may well cause an internal conflict for women whose life experience runs counter to this belief system.

Maet, would you be prepared to share the responses to provided on Facebook to enable more informed responses regarding the TERF criticism? Secondly, has the response you received from others on that tech forum altered your opinion on whether that particular group could be of genuine use to you?

@InThisMultiverse how would I do that? I'm no longer a member of the group, and it's a closed group. I have some screenshots but names are visible.
The group was of interest and use to me. Prior to this there had never been an issue like this, as this is not the intention of the forum.
Again, I'll apologise for my English as it's not my first language and it's almost 4am here and I've been working all day.

I think you are getting a hard time OP and it's possibly to do with the time of night and who is around.

Totally this. I thought I'd clicked on a thread in AIBU!

Maet it sounds frustrating, and very unfair. There's not much you can do, except hope that there are other members of the group who feel as you do, but didn't speak up, who'll approach you privately. Maybe you could start another group?

Did you know she was a trans woman ?

@shepcountthebloodysheep they made a point of saying they were, and also had a beard. However the point was never that they were trans. The point is that it wasn't an appropriate platform, and any post that wasn't fawning over this person and validating them was immediately deemed "transphobic" and removed from the group.
This is a women's space to talk about tech start up's, and this person took advantage of women who are socialised to always take on more than we should.

Emotional labour is a very well known and understood term in feminist theory, so posters on the FWR board doing the wide eyed not understanding shtick is really annoying.

You do know that some people may be on this board for the first time don't you?
Or do you want FWR to be an exclusive club?

Have you heard of Google, marcopront?

Don't come to FWR with smug ignorance and expect women to do your research and spoon feed you.

A beard? Ffs. I agree with you op. Moderators on fb sites don't want the work / are incapable of managing controversy.

Ridiculous you got banned. I guess on sm if you present an alternative opinion you're almost throwing down the gauntlet.