I was utterly obsessive about childbirth and rights and being in control of it. It was something I researched extensively and actively tried to remove the emotion from because it was the very thing that harmed me. It made me unable to make informed and rational decisions, particularly in situations where I started to become distressed. I was lucky because I was able to recognise this was a problem, that hurt me more than anyone else.
I'm trying to share the knowledge I built up from the experience and to say that its really not black and white as you are desparately trying to make out.
I think I first started talking about this about 13 years or so ago on MN precisely because there was a huge taboo, and there were so few people talking about birth fear. The field and awareness of the subject has come on an unbelievable amount since then, largely helped by the 2009 NICE guidelines on ELCS which really first acknowledged the idea of birth fear (and also I believe did a lot to help women who DIDN'T want a ELCS and perhaps wanted a homebirth because it effectively legitimised the very idea that birth fear was a health condition which deserved to be treated rather than dismissed or belittled). The difference between pre-2009 and now is huge but the UK is still miles behind where it should be and approaches in some other countries.
The one thing that I learnt more than anything was everyone's fear is different and there are a whole range of difference needs and experiences over it. What was right for me, absolutely isn't right for someone else. And vice versa. What is key is how you approach that fear, how you deal with and good practice is about unpicking it through encouraging communication where nothing is off limits.
Over the years on MN I've tried to be very honest the whole subject, as it became apparent to me, that I felt a particular social pressure from other women over my 'lack of maternal instinct'. To admit this to other woman was hard because I thought I'd be dismissed as 'not being fit to be a mother'. I've read some really heartfelt posts from others in a similar vain, and just saying 'no you aren't unfit' and you have an issue which is grounded in mental health reasons which is legitimate and what you feel isn't as unusual or unique as you think, was hugely important. The 'if you don't believe you can give birth you aren't a proper woman' attitude was one I did come up against that from time to time, so I've got to say certain comments on here do make me think back on how I felt then and make me feel the need to push back on the idea that we 'should all think about birth a certain way cos we are women'.
I think for me, it is possible, that subconsciously social pressure did make it easier to approach a male midwife, because I didn't feel I was as likely to be judged in that particular way. Whether it was a real or imagined fear. Though this wasn't actively part of my thought process at the time.
The fact he was male was highly irrelevant to me as I was looking for a specialist in a particular area of care which really went against the culture and continues to be an area of high levels of ignorance.
Ultimately I wanted the speciality over and above the sex of the midwife, because that was my medical need at the time.
I personally am very glad that this particular midwife was there and willing to listen to me, as if it hadn't been for him I simply would not have a son.
For me its that simple. There was a specialist.