Just wanted to share some thoughts on "kink"
Lots of people experiment with varieties of what is now termed "kink". This can range from being beaten on the bottom with the Women's Weekly to much more esoteric practices.
Anyone who has worked as a counsellor, therapist or in sexual health / sexual medicine will understand that these activities are extremely common and prevalent within the general population.
The vast majority of people who enjoy experimenting with the lighter end of the BDSM range of sexual activity do not identify as being "kinky" or involved in "kink".
As readers will no doubt be aware, the 50 Shades of Grey books and films have contributed to the existing interest in BDSM within the general population.
Also various women's and men's lifestyle magazines routinely offer hints and tips on these kinds of activities.
What interests me especially is how the narratives relating to such activities become polarised with, at one extreme, the "kink aware" and "kink positive" promotion of such activities and at the other extreme the promotion of the belief that all such activities are always violence towards women.
Both of these positions are not useful in my opinion as, it is my impression that both positions attempt to prevent thinking or useful discourse around the issue.
At one level it can be understood that "kink" can, at least sometimes, be an escape from thinking and feeling. For some, not all, a flight into fetish and into what can be compulsive sexual behaviour, can be an unconscious attempt to avoid emotional pain via sexual activity - this can of course be true in the case of more conventional sexual activities for some people.
On the other hand the idea that all "kink" is violence towards women is alienating to the vast swathes of the population who enjoy experimenting with such activities in a loving and / or playful manner. I do not believe that it is helpful for feminism to promote this ideology, partly because it is so very alienating to so many ordinary people.
If I was to identify areas where we might all be able to if not agree to at least share some concerns is in the following areas:
- The promotion of "kink" and queer theory (the latter being something fairly new to me that I am just getting my head around) as the new normal.
- The promotion of hedonistic sexual pleasure as a "birthright" that is placed at the centre of everyone's sense of self. The associated narrative that "your birthright has been stolen from you" is central not only to neo-tantric sex cults and "kink" promoters but also to alt-right / far-right groups and we should pay attention to these narratives and analyse them as best we can.
- The commercialisation of sexuality via everything from insanely expensive and occasionally dangerous "toys" and other accessories (I'm looking at you Goop) through to "sexual healing" and "sexual education" classes and intensives very often run by spiritual and / or personal development cults.
- The promotion of selfishness and entitlement in relation to current discourses around sexuality that appear in magazines and the MSM
- The promotion of selflessness and "how to please your man / woman" narratives in magazines and the MSM
- the "rough sex gone wrong" defence used in various criminal trials. It is important to explore this issue because a) sometimes people do die in accidents during consensual sexual activity - I personally know of 2 gay men who died during such activities and also, as we are all painfully aware sometimes predators and murderers will use the RSGW defence to try to avoid justice (in at least one recent criminal trial, a strategy that was entirely successful for the perpetrator IMO).
There is a lot more I would like to say about this, just sharing some thoughts.