BBC "top story": How I came out as non-binary to my parents

[ByGrabtharsHammarWhatASavings]

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/4zw5Wg0F6czNqqQqPFmQzft/how-i-came-out-as-non-binary-to-my-parents

*"I had to think about how I was going to talk to mum and dad about it. I thought about how much I would have to explain, how many questions I still had unanswered about myself, and how dumb I was going to sound.

As luck would have it, almost at that very moment I got a podcast about my gender identity called NB commissioned. So I made all my insecurities and all my questions into a series. "*

Uh huh.

I do hope Caitlin will have another podcast commissioned in 10 years time when they're too old to look cool in silly glasses. After they've had a few kids and suddenly become invisible to society, and all their free time is spent being the default parent while their uber-woke partner continues to insist they're too special to stay home and help with the baby, and everyone is endlessly asking how they balance career and motherhood, judging them for staying home or using childcare, judging how they feed their baby, dismissing their opinions as a "silly mum". Or maybe they won't have children and will face all the discrimination and prejudice that comes with choosing not to use their female reproductive organs. And I do hope they'll use that podcast to update us all on just how silly the whole concept of sexual dimorphism turned out to be.

I'm old now, aren't I? This is what it feels like to be old.

When it came to inviting my parents in on my gender identity, I didn’t want it to be a pronouncement. I’ve seen people come out via YouTube video, documentary theatre performance, and university musical theatre society general meeting.

Does she mean ‘coming out’ as non binary through musical theatre? I’d love to have been able to see my late Grandmother’s face if she’d be in the audience. I think she’d of been enthralled by the narcissism. She always did enjoy a touch of self indulgence alongside her sherry.

Why does "non binary" for woman always end up being "masculine"?

Yup. I think other people’s holiday photos are monumentally boring and they are weird to expect anyone else to be remotely interested in them... but I’d rather sit through the whole fucking montage played on their tv with background music, than listen to other people’s identity musings.

Hope this person is happy though. They just seems very young. Hope they doesn’t feel painted into a corner in future by having made this into a monetised professional identity too.

Buzz I was wondering that! Should we say 'stereotypically masculine' so we don't offend zhem/their/xo/I quit?

"Hmmm, I seem to be having some of those special gender feelings I read about on Tumblr. What shall I do first? Answer the hard questions about what these feelings really mean? Tell my loved ones? Apply for funding to make a podcast about it? Yup, that's it, the last one".

Nellie I think the social media thing, where you don't exist except through the lens of other people's perceptions, alongside the database state, where you don't exist unless the state says you do, is an absolutely toxic mix.

Once upon a time human rights meant the right NOT to be labelled socially and uploaded to a gigantic state database of the gender non conforming. Now both are supposedly essential to your own self-worth.

I fear I am also old.

Reminds me of Stuart Lees description of Twitter as "a state surveillance agency run by gullible volunteers" LauraMipsum

I think that's about the right description!

Dear god.

My 16yo dd came out to us as non-binary a few months ago.

That's OK. We love you any way you are.
Yes, we'll try to use the name you prefer, but we'll probably slip up from time to time.
No, I won't use those pronouns, because pronouns relate to biological sex and not self-perception.
I love you.

Then for a couple of months we used the name she wanted and avoided saying girl, daughter, sister, etc - with occasional slip-ups, and only when taking directly to her.

And life goes on the way it was.

A friends 14 year old 'came out' as non-binary a few weeks back. Friends response was to ask basically, how does non-binary differ from personality. Which everyone has. Child thought for a second, then decided its not different at all.

Will never see for the life of me how not being a 100% walking stereotype is anything special, given 99.999 people are that way!

I thought non binary is just most people who don't want to fit themselves into artificial gender stereotypes. I suppose that's "gender free". What's the difference? Either way as everyone says it should be good but ordinary not to try to confine yourself to gender stereotypes surely? I agree she looks like lots of other young women, it's baffling that there's anything to "come out" about.

It's ironic that an article emphasising that "coming out" as non binary is uneventful and shouldn't be called coming out is headlined "coming out" and made into a big deal...

CottonDuvet do young women who "feel" non binary really get pushed towards mastectomy I thought that danger was specific to trans men Why are the girls pushed to mutilation but not the boys?

'Lovely darling, so am I. I don't think any of us fit into those sexist gender pigeonholes, do we. More tea?'

Seriously, I do feel sad that young people are encouraged to navel gaze to such an extent. Caitlin is fine just the way they are. No pigeonholes required.

Then you have people like this poor 34 year old female:

Looks like this person has been destroyed by the effects of 14 years of testosterone on a female body

do young women who "feel" non binary really get pushed towards mastectomy. I thought that danger was specific to trans men

No, not at all. If you look on YouTube at Ash Hardell's channel, Ash has a number of videos about her mastectomy. Ash identifies as non binary, and talks a lot about how Ash's breasts gave Ash dysphoria. I don't think Ash is comfortable going into too much detail as to why that might have been, and who can blame them, but Ash talks very positively about how happy the result of the surgery has made them.

For all the deep sounding introspection that seems characteristic of this movement, there do seem to be questions they will not ask, and actions they will not examine beyond the surface.

For all the deep sounding introspection that seems characteristic of this movement, there do seem to be questions they will not ask, and actions they will not examine beyond the surface.

It does seem to be 'I feel like this so I'm going to modify my body'. Never 'why do I feel like this?' As far as I can gather, the 'why' question is transphobic.

The main change is being referred to as "their".

Yes, the unfeminine clothes but loads of women and girls favour that look (because, duh!)

Or have I missed something?

Caitlyn looks like thousands of girls and women I've known throughout my life.

"Coming out" was and still is a massive deal for most (if not all) gay men and lesbians. That people who are simply presenting themselves like many other people use this term is - frankly - a fucking insult and a slap in the face to gay people who've suffered persecution and being cut off by their families because of it.

I speak as a 60 year old woman who is still not out to some people (for professional reasons).

Imagine if you were a non-binary person reading through this thread with most of its comments verging on mocking hostility. Would "coming out" not seem like a big deal to you? Would you not be interested to find a podcast by someone who feels like you?

It's also funny how so many of you have criticised others for being so concerned with their appearance then finished off your message with a comment about how this person just looks like everyone else.

Imagine if you were a non-binary person reading through this thread with most of its comments verging on mocking hostility. Would "coming out" not seem like a big deal to you? Would you not be interested to find a podcast by someone who feels like you?

That's the thing - many of us think that (given the criteria for 'non-binary', as far as we can see them) we are non-binary.

What we don't get is why it's such a big bloody deal.

Billy Could you explain to us what non-binary is? The problem is that some of us are struggling to understand the concept.

Gosh yes, it must be really hellish for someone who is completely ordinary, has a personality of quirks and likes and dislikes, to read through a thread like this and realize they are not, after all, a ground breaking new thing that must be acknowledged as very special or be oppressed.

That would be terrible.

She's got a great haircut though. And I am loving the tailoring and tie thing. She looks like me, which will probably be even more horrendous for her as I'm a dull old married bisexual 40 something.

Or, what is "non-binary" in terms of being something different to a person not complying with gender stereotypes, and choosing to reject gender (as a label for themselves)?

Yup, Billy, what is a non binary person? We are unimpressed at the build up to this reveal and then there was nothing. Just an ordinary person doing the same as the rest of the planet. So so tell, what have they come out about?

I’m confused.