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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

My husband is woke

153 replies

WizbetisaNizbet · 03/03/2019 12:21

Just that really.

He spotted something I wrote on here and stated it was “hate filled.” Nope it was an innocuous comment of the signatories of the letter in the Scottish Herald. He’s quoted Owen Jones at me “you’re on the wrong side of history.”

He ignores what I say when I try to talk about why I don’t agree with what is going, on telling me that I am denying trans people their rights. I ask him how my refuse to use pronouns denies anyone thier rights or what rights are being denied but he can’t seem to answer me. When I give him examples in answer to his questions he doesn’t want to talk about specific examples that are relevant.

He can’t see what the problem is about women’s sports, self-ID etc. He also keeps telling me I side with Trump (no). To be honest i’m fed up and upset that he won’t listen to my trying to explain to him why women are so upset and angry.

This is just a vent by the way.

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 03/03/2019 12:59

My husband is of the why can't everyone just be nice to each other ilk.

Which is lovely... if EVERYONE is nice, however usually it's just women that are expected to be nice and budge over.

He does agree with me on some stuff though.

EmpressAdultHumanFemale · 03/03/2019 12:59

He’s supporting a homophobic ideology and unless he views intact transwomen as viable sexual partners, TRAs will view him as a TERF & a transphobe.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 03/03/2019 12:59

My DP didn't see the issues at first too.
The biggest thing is that the whole thing has zero effect on men or men's sport/loos/sexuality etc, so they simply don't give a toss.

I started from explaining what it has been like as young girl growing up, being a teen, young woman and all the shit I had to put up with and had to worry about because of men. We are prey. His DD's would grow up to learn this and by taking away their boundaries and protections he was basically telling them that they must obey anyone with a penis and that women were worth less.

sackrifice · 03/03/2019 13:01

My Mum just keeps saying wrong bodies and feelz and where is the harm.

'you're right mum, sterilising kids is a great idea'.

'Huh? I never said'...

Sexnotgender · 03/03/2019 13:03

My mums a massive TERF.

My dad reshares and likes all my Facebook posts too so I assume he gets it.

ShowOfHands · 03/03/2019 13:05

No. She doesn't even argue. It's all about how nasty I am.

ShowOfHands · 03/03/2019 13:05

DH is a raging TERF however.

GerryblewuptheER · 03/03/2019 13:12

Course he is.

Dp thinks I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill, theres nothing I can do so why bother and women are just as bad.

Course no 6ft 6 brick shit house trans man is gonna go on a rampage with an axe then use the toilet with his son so he has no need to worry does he.

Except we have 2 dds no sons and hes not expected to budge up is he.

frankexchangeofviews · 03/03/2019 13:12

You husband either hates women or just doesn’t see them as ‘real’ people.

Sorry - if it’s any consolation it’s a lot more common than we all care to admit.

Original poster
WizbetisaNizbet · 03/03/2019 13:20

Thanks everyone. I think the thing is that he wants to be nice and for everyone to get along. He can’t understand why some women have this strength of feeling. I told him earlier that I was disappointed that he couldn’t understand why I get so annoyed. He told me he was ashamed of me for thinking the way I do.

I’d talk to my best friend about it but she shares the same opinions as my husband. That sports should be an equal field, that we shouldn’t segregate the sexes. Told me that that T##Fs are just as bad if not worse than TRA’s.

It gets me so down. Maybe it’s me [Confused

OP posts:
sackrifice · 03/03/2019 13:21

Did you ask him if he can pick out the male in that photo yet?

Efferlunt · 03/03/2019 13:24

My DH doesn’t get it at all and thinks I’m being a bit silly to care so much. His argument is that trans people are a tiny tiny minority and it shouldn’t really have any material effects. My issue is more the consequences for law and policy of self ID. He thinks trans women competing in woman’s sports isn’t ‘sporting’ and that ideally they should have the grace to accept that but that it would be difficult to descriminate against them officially because TWAW.

We don’t discuss it much now.

Original poster
WizbetisaNizbet · 03/03/2019 13:25

Not yet Sackrifice we’re only just back on speaking terms Grin.

OP posts:
userschmoozer · 03/03/2019 13:28

Its not you. some sports are sex segregated to produce an actual equal field.

Your husband and friend are using the same fake equality line as male rights activists. Their version of equality means treating everyone exactly the same with no exceptions.
For example, MRA's say that all prisoners should just be put into one prison, because by treating every prisoner as identical to every other prisoner, you create 'equality'.
Its very black and white thinking. What they cant cope with is the fact that real life is more nuanced.
For example, a male prisoner may have previous form for rape and murder, or not been caught and sentenced, but may have been sentenced this time for something minor such as theft. Putting them in a mixed sex prison would put female prisoners at risk.

The MRA version of equality obviously puts disabled people at a disadvantage. Society does not need to treat everyone as if they can walk OR as if they are in a wheelchair, we can cope with more nuance.

TallulahWaitingInTheRain · 03/03/2019 13:28

Does he definitely understand that you are talking about intact males rather than transsexuals following srs? I couldn't understand my dp's attitude and he couldn't understand mine until I worked out that he had managed to not hear this detail. Once I got it through his head he did an instant u-turn

vesuvia · 03/03/2019 13:31

MillytantForceit wrote - "What is this 'Wrong Side' of History?
If it teaches us anything, it is that progress is not and has never been inevitable. The good guys often lose."

I wonder if it is about winning at any cost - it is the win that counts, not rightness of the cause because rightness and wrongness in history can be redefined later by the winner. The winner can (and often does) make the losers look like they were wrong and were the bad guys.

WeRiseUp · 03/03/2019 13:34

Tell your husband you want a baby but you want him to have the pregnancy and do the breastfeeding because you now identify as a man.

Dervel · 03/03/2019 13:35

When people are possessed of ideologies it can be tricky, but fortunately most people aren’t they are just virtue signalling. Unfortunately however people can allow their shadow selves a little too much leeway whenever they feel they have the self righteous moral high ground.

I’d say it’s a sign of an agile mind and an open heart if someone exhibits a willingness to listen, and act with magnamity and empathy even when discussing with someone whose ideology they find objectionable.

I’ve had some success with pointing out that intellectually most of the extreme radical trans positions self detonate. In order to accept the ideaology you essentially have to argue the thing they identify with out of existence, the whole thing only tracks if you accept an extreme post modernist view, and if you are going to do that nothing means anything and nothing matters.

WeRiseUp · 03/03/2019 13:36

Tell your husband to say "I identify as a woman" then kick him in the balls and tell him to identify out of the pain.

WeRiseUp · 03/03/2019 13:39

Tell your husband you now identify as a gay man and a 'top'. Tell him you want to try out your new strap on out on him and if he has any misgivings he'a a transphobe, a homophobe, a bigot and on the wrong side of history.

Original poster
WizbetisaNizbet · 03/03/2019 13:41

Tallulah, I’ve tried to explain to him that i’m talking about intact males. That there is a difference between transexuals and declaring womanhood.

Unfortunately he reads the Guardian and the BBC. He also tried to me that Martina was wrong. Martina!

He’s been likening this to a civil rights movement, that we are denying trans people thier civil rights. That the same thing was said about homosexuality years ago.

It’s very exhausting.

OP posts:
Imissgmichael · 03/03/2019 13:42

“My DP didn't see the issues at first too.
The biggest thing is that the whole thing has zero effect on men or men's sport/loos/sexuality etc, so they simply don't give a toss.”

My DH is a bit like this. Not so much that he doesn’t care but he thinks I’m over exaggerating the problem because he thinks the general public won’t put up with it.

He has had a couple of WTF moments recently though. One when we were watching Baptiste and one of the characters was actually a biological male but her DP didn’t know. He couldn’t understand why it wasn’t obvious and thought it was wrong for her to not tell her DP.

The 2nd time was actually yesterday when he took our GD out and an obviously male bodied person in a blonde long wig, a very short tight skirt showing a bulge and ridiculously high heels walked passed him in a rather exaggerated hip swinging way like she was performing an act. The person according to DH looked very disappointed that everyone was doing their best not to notice.

I asked DH if he would be happy if this person was in the ladies loo with our 9 year old GD and he said of course not because men shouldn’t be in the ladies.

I’ve decided not to say anymore to him and am waiting for him to watch sport and see if he notices biological males competing as women.

UndersAndOvers · 03/03/2019 13:43

Ask him: if, when you two met, you were actually a 'trans woman' still with male genitals - would he still have had a relationship with you? Would you be married now? If not, why not?

Original poster
WizbetisaNizbet · 03/03/2019 13:43

Should say his main sources are the Guardian or the BBC.

He is lovely. Just can’t quite see the whole picture.

OP posts:
SharkBastard · 03/03/2019 13:44

Ah yes I get the "It's like the homophobes who wanted to keep being gay a crime" "They just want rights" "it doesn't even affect you, why not come off twitter for a bit"