Transgender child at DD’s school. Please help me write to the head?

[Comeymemo]

DD attends an independent co-Ed British international school. We are in a jurisdiction that provides for protection against sex discrimination, including in education. This country has no protection against discrimination on the basis of gender, and only recognises transgender persons when the person has undergone full reassignment surgery (including sterilisation). In other words, there is no right to self gender identification where we live.

The school is split in houses, all of which are either all boys or all girls. The school has a mix of boarders and non boarders.

We recently received a letter from the head, saying that a male pupil will be moving to a girl’s house after half term as the pupil is transgender. The letter states that the pupil will use the unisex accessible toilet including to undress (eg for sports). The letter does not state if the pupil is a boarder.

I want to write to the school outlining my concerns and would welcome any help.

The areas where I would like to get reassurance are:

• confirmation that the pupil will not be allowed to compete against girls or to be in girls’ teams for any sports
• confirmation that the pupil will not be allowed to play female parts in any dramatic productions (DD is into sports and drama and I don’t think it fair that female roles should be given to boys, as male parts are never available to girls)
• confirmation that the school will never allow the pupil to board in a girls’ house or to have access to girls’ boarding houses
• confirmation that girls will never be allowed or expected to share a bedroom with the pupil on any overnight trip
• confirmation that the school are not altering their records to reflect the pupil’s so-called self-ID, so that the pupil remains listed as male
• confirmation that the pupil is not taking the place of any girl on any awards or recognition list, such as for school prefect, scholarships or prizes that are only available to girls.
• would it be reasonable to request that DD is not in the same house as that pupil?

At this stage I don’t want to engage into a broader debate with the school over human rights, feminist theory or GC theory, so I’m trying to stay as down to earth as possible and seek clarification on practical areas.

Is there anything else you can think of that would be relevant in this context? Please feel free to direct me to other threads if this has been done before.

Many thanks 🙏

I'm also baffled as to why anyone would choose to spend their time in a space where they seem to vehemently dislike most of the other participants. I'm not saying you can't or shouldn't, to be clear, it just seems odd, and that tone of anger and negativity has a massive influence on how conversations play out.

How is there less of a risk of contagion when a trans boy is kept amongst the girls (their friends) than with a trans girl?

By doing this, the school isn't colluding in the lie that the child has changed sex.

Who is saying that. All that has been said is that parents might want to be reassured that the risks of contagion are being managed. As the should be if there were a suicide, or a bout of crash dieting.

why is it OK one way but not the other?

Why are you asking a person with one view to explain and defend a view held by another?

Can you not understand this? There is no gender critical religion or theology or catechism that all must spout. A wide variety of women (and men) have reservations and objections to the actual religion at play here, fundamentalist genderism, and, shock horror, some of them aren't even gender critical, let alone radical feminist. Some are just pro-child protection frameworks. Some are just free speech. Etc, ad infinitum.

This is not a re-run of the sixteenth century wars of religion. It's not one set of ideologues versus another set of ideologues. It's one set of faith adherents versus everyone else. And everyone else thinks a variety of things. Because that is normal.

Do please point out what I've said that means I come from the 50s?

I think this school comes from the 50s given the OP says

There are many things the school does that I think are sexist - from boys being depicted as superheroes and girls as princesses in the first grade, to girls doing netball while boys do rugby, and the school using James Bond to teach in the primary school years

Yet she's quite happy to send her daughter there and this is the issue that causes concern? And how on earth is James Bond used to teach? Maybe Daniel Craig is a teacher there?????

I suspect that the school's framework of 'girls are princesses and boys are James Bond' may be contributing to the issue here, Weetabix.

Sometimes it's very hard to find a school that ticks all the boxes -- such as existing at all, teaching the syllabus, that sort of thing.

All that has been said is that parents might want to be reassured that the risks of contagion are being managed.

So how do they do that?

Male-bodied trans girls in female dorms etc also put that trans child at risk of false accusations of sexual assault etc. Of course I know that genuine false accusations are far more rare than actual sexual assault, but it's another safeguarding aspect that would be removed from the trans child.
And yes it's not as important as protecting the girls from actual assault. But another potential minefield.

So how do they do that?

One way is by not encouraging the children to think that the trans-identified child has actually changed sex. So 'transboys' are still girls.

I'm not saying you can't or shouldn't, to be clear, it just seems odd, and that tone of anger and negativity has a massive influence on how conversations play out.

Oh, I'm sorry. Are women only allowed to be "nice" in your view then?

And how on earth is James Bond used to teach? Maybe Daniel Craig is a teacher there????

Sign me up if so lol

Yet she's quite happy to send her daughter there

Read the OP. It's a British international school. She hasn't said what country, but it's unlikely there's a lot of choice of appropriate schools for her daughter.

OldCrone

And how is that achieved when the child is living with, sharing dorms with or as one poster said "sharing a sleeping bag" with their girl friends?

Those girls will 24/7 see the differences and hear about the feelings of the trans boy. If that isn't a contagion risk then I fail to see how a trans girl sleeping, changing and showering separately but simply existing within school is a contagion risk?

If the school was forcing pupils to share sleeping bags then I'd definitely suggest that the OP move her child elsewhere...

That's not what weetabix asked though

Those girls will 24/7 see the differences and hear about the feelings of the trans boy.

See the differences? What differences?

So, if contagion is a concern to you (it isn't to me)

Obviously.

Ignoring the negativity and silliness for a moment though, it sounds as if OP may have a very limited choice of schools to pick from, so she probably will have to figure out how to make things work with this one unless she's willing to send her daughter to board somewhere further away from home. Once again I come back to "talk to the Head", and also to the housemistress if DD is boarding.

Those girls will 24/7 see the differences and hear about the feelings of the trans boy. If that isn't a contagion risk then I fail to see how a trans girl sleeping, changing and showering separately but simply existing within school is a contagion risk?

I should think all the "brave and stunning" and the special treatment would prove highly attractive to children tbh.

Changing separately is obviously the best solution but many children will feel awkward changing in front if each other anyway so a way of getting a private cubicle would probably appeal to many.

As would the attention and special treatment

The child should obviously be treated with kindness and allowed to participate in everything. But do sports as their sex not their gender

Forcing a bunch of kids to pretend what they see is not what their really see is emotional abuse and should not be happening. Its gaslighting. It's enough for a divorce. I would not consent to colluding in things I believe are harmful. This state sanctioned gaslighting needs to stop.

That does not translate to wishing ill on a child. They deserve to be treated kindly as I have said.

No one will force my kids to pretend though not will they be emotionally blackmailed with self harm and suicide in order to make them.comply.

The adults around them do not deserve to have everyone else bail them out of lies they told the trans child .

Interesting read on the subject

www.heraldscotland.com/news/17393697.trans-guidance-for-scottish-schools-breaches-11-childrens-rights-campaigners-warn/

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3500436-James-Caspian-oral-hearing-granted?msgid=84730298#84730298

Also interesting is the progress on being permitted to research detransition. The sooner this is understood more widely the sooner we can have the evidence to help avoid the damaging consequences.

journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0202330

Social isolation is a contributing factor in ROGD, so ensuring that a child who is questioning their gender identity is well supported within their habitual support networks is very important. Both as a measure to stop possible contagion and to support a trans child.

Swapping a child's pre-existing support networks for ones which treat the child according to their psychological ideation effectively removes that child from their known and trusted support networks and pushes them towards an experimental gender identity which can be isolating.

I would argue here that experimental gender identities are not problematic in and of themselves as long as they are decoupled from medication and surgery and that they are allowed to be bi-directional. De-transitioning must always be a safe and credible option.

This suggests very strongly that any trans child should remain within their preexisting networks, so the MtF trans child in the OPs post would be better served by remaining with other males.

Phew, sorry that was a bit long winded.