Transgender child at DD’s school. Please help me write to the head?

[Comeymemo]

DD attends an independent co-Ed British international school. We are in a jurisdiction that provides for protection against sex discrimination, including in education. This country has no protection against discrimination on the basis of gender, and only recognises transgender persons when the person has undergone full reassignment surgery (including sterilisation). In other words, there is no right to self gender identification where we live.

The school is split in houses, all of which are either all boys or all girls. The school has a mix of boarders and non boarders.

We recently received a letter from the head, saying that a male pupil will be moving to a girl’s house after half term as the pupil is transgender. The letter states that the pupil will use the unisex accessible toilet including to undress (eg for sports). The letter does not state if the pupil is a boarder.

I want to write to the school outlining my concerns and would welcome any help.

The areas where I would like to get reassurance are:

• confirmation that the pupil will not be allowed to compete against girls or to be in girls’ teams for any sports
• confirmation that the pupil will not be allowed to play female parts in any dramatic productions (DD is into sports and drama and I don’t think it fair that female roles should be given to boys, as male parts are never available to girls)
• confirmation that the school will never allow the pupil to board in a girls’ house or to have access to girls’ boarding houses
• confirmation that girls will never be allowed or expected to share a bedroom with the pupil on any overnight trip
• confirmation that the school are not altering their records to reflect the pupil’s so-called self-ID, so that the pupil remains listed as male
• confirmation that the pupil is not taking the place of any girl on any awards or recognition list, such as for school prefect, scholarships or prizes that are only available to girls.
• would it be reasonable to request that DD is not in the same house as that pupil?

At this stage I don’t want to engage into a broader debate with the school over human rights, feminist theory or GC theory, so I’m trying to stay as down to earth as possible and seek clarification on practical areas.

Is there anything else you can think of that would be relevant in this context? Please feel free to direct me to other threads if this has been done before.

Many thanks 🙏

I think it is worth reframing this as a general principle and remember that other gender nonconforming children may be "transed" in the future

This is important and it seems like you’ve taken it onboard.

I think your points regarding boarding, overnight trips and changing are all very fair and valid and I would keep them as you've written them. They're young and whilst I feel their choice should be respected, it has been known for children/teenagers to have a change of heart.
I am a little unsure as to what effect is has on you as to whether they're listed male or female on the school records? I feel the point about female parts in plays is unfair too. I feel girls/boys should be able to play either part generally anyway, can add to their diversity in acting.
I think you need to stick to the initial issues first or you may come across as prejudice for the wrong reasons. Maybe get a response from the head first on the initial points then if you're really still bothered about the others, bring them up after.

You can't ask for them not to be in the same house if you're also asking for them to not board. That's too exclusionary and has no bearing on your daughter.

I also don't think you can ask for the drama one, but you can rephrase it and the awards one as opening up a dialogue about the use of sex-specific roles and awards. i.e. he can have a female role if the girls can have male one, and why not have some not sex-specific awards to alleviate the issue. Otherwise you are essentially asking for his childhood to be alienated from everyone elses.

child’s right to exist and participate and be treated the same as any other child.

Oh geez, ‘right to exist’? Their right to exist isn’t an issue, the OP doesn’t want to deny them that! It’s about the rights of every girl at the school to have sex separation upheld. In addition, nobody should be obliged to validate the delusions of other people, which is what pretending someone is the opposite sex is, a delusion.

This is very hard. I honestly don’t know what I’d do in the circumstances.

There’s a part of me that thinks it’s better for kids to wait until they are an adult before identifying full time. Teenagehood is about learning, experimentation, experiences, so much of our brains are still forming.

It just brings up the whole issue of then what to do with others who are not identifying as another gender. And everyone’s safety. What if a girl self identified as a boy and wanted to share a dorm with a lot of teenager boys just discovering their sexuality? What if the boy self identifying as a woman still had feelings for women and started to get off on being in the same changing rooms? I get that these feelings are also there if someone is gay, however it’s just such a vulnerable tricky time.

I’m not sure this helps! I feel for everyone. The boy becoming a girl. The girls. The boys he has left behind. It throws up more issues than I think teenagers can handle.

However OP as the school are supporting this, I’d just focus on concrete issues and practicality.

Do I understand you correctly OP, the houses are currently single sex? Is that why you don’t want a male transgender child in the girls houses?

@Gonzales27 I agree completely.

It is possible to believe that the Olympics should be reformed to protect biological women from competing against biological men, while also prioritising the pastoral needs of a child who is going through a difficult time. Perhaps the school should have given more details to reassure parents. The boarding arrangements would be irrelevant if the child is a day pupil. Personally, I don't think any boarding school can provide the level of emotional support that is required at such a time in a child's life. Things like plays would need to be dealt with sensitively. There is no reason why a child (transgender or otherwise) shouldn't play a part of the opposite sex. After all, acting is about being someone else.

I would also want reassurances that no-one in the school is forced to use incorrect language and won't be penalised for doing so. Forcing children into the cognitive dissonance required to suddenly refer to Bill as 'she' is repulsive.

I don't understand the phrase 'right to exist'. Everyone living exists right now.

The boy becoming a girl.

No boy can become a girl, PinaColada1. Nobody should be encouraging this child in the belief that he can change sex.

River- I agree.

- confirmation that the pupil will not be allowed to play female parts in any dramatic productions ... I don’t think it fair that female roles should be given to boys, as male parts are never available to girls

Small point but if your school only lets girls acts female roles and boys male ones then you should tackle that issue separately. That is not a trans issue.

I would also want reassurances that no-one in the school is forced to use incorrect language and won't be penalised for doing so. Forcing children into the cognitive dissonance required to suddenly refer to Bill as 'she' is repulsive.

I agree with this

Poor child. Your drama lesson/play point is completely unreasonable. The transgender child identifies as a girl. In following your logic, she won't be able to play any of the male parts like all the other girls. There is no special treatment. I'm guessing she wouldn't want to play a boy, either.

Can I just add that I am also conscious this must be a very difficult time for the pupil, who clearly has some important challenges. I sincerely do not want to make this more difficult for that pupil.

However, I don’t agree with self identification and I have fundamental reservations about the concept of transgenderism. My priority is that DD’s right to equality is respected. The society we live in is still very sexist and I don’t want the little protection we get from sex discrimination laws to be lost for the benefit of male individuals who claim to be female.

Moreover, if that pupil is allowed to play sports with girls, this could disqualify the school from any inter school competitions as there is no such thing as self-ID in this country, so other schools could rightfully object to there being a boy in a girls’ team.

I wouldn’t be so fussed about drama, but only on the proviso that male parts are available to girls (irrespective of their gender ID).

@JenningsElizabeth No troll hunting on threads. Report to MN.

I see the twitterspere exploding.... "banning Shakespeare" etc etc. ad nauseum....

Take out the school records part as it has nothing to do with you at all. That’s for their parents to raise, if they wish to.

Pina- there is a solution to this. Same sex facilities and dress however you like. Allow kids to understand that you can't become a different sex, but you can be as creative as you like with dress sense / hair etc. A child not sure of their sexuality? That's ok, you don't have to choose a sexual partner in school or ever! Feel as though you have more fun with your female friends than you male friends but you are a boy? That's ok too.

"I wouldn’t be so fussed about drama,"

oh that's good of you.

@JenningsElizabeth You believe the poster isn't genuine, that isn't the same thing.

Regardless, troll hunting is not acceptable on a thread, you report it to MN via the report the poster button. You seem very keen to be the first to spot a troll here!!