Transgender child at DD’s school. Please help me write to the head?

[Comeymemo]

DD attends an independent co-Ed British international school. We are in a jurisdiction that provides for protection against sex discrimination, including in education. This country has no protection against discrimination on the basis of gender, and only recognises transgender persons when the person has undergone full reassignment surgery (including sterilisation). In other words, there is no right to self gender identification where we live.

The school is split in houses, all of which are either all boys or all girls. The school has a mix of boarders and non boarders.

We recently received a letter from the head, saying that a male pupil will be moving to a girl’s house after half term as the pupil is transgender. The letter states that the pupil will use the unisex accessible toilet including to undress (eg for sports). The letter does not state if the pupil is a boarder.

I want to write to the school outlining my concerns and would welcome any help.

The areas where I would like to get reassurance are:

• confirmation that the pupil will not be allowed to compete against girls or to be in girls’ teams for any sports
• confirmation that the pupil will not be allowed to play female parts in any dramatic productions (DD is into sports and drama and I don’t think it fair that female roles should be given to boys, as male parts are never available to girls)
• confirmation that the school will never allow the pupil to board in a girls’ house or to have access to girls’ boarding houses
• confirmation that girls will never be allowed or expected to share a bedroom with the pupil on any overnight trip
• confirmation that the school are not altering their records to reflect the pupil’s so-called self-ID, so that the pupil remains listed as male
• confirmation that the pupil is not taking the place of any girl on any awards or recognition list, such as for school prefect, scholarships or prizes that are only available to girls.
• would it be reasonable to request that DD is not in the same house as that pupil?

At this stage I don’t want to engage into a broader debate with the school over human rights, feminist theory or GC theory, so I’m trying to stay as down to earth as possible and seek clarification on practical areas.

Is there anything else you can think of that would be relevant in this context? Please feel free to direct me to other threads if this has been done before.

Many thanks 🙏

AssassinatedBeauty I have read what I wrote several times and I can see nothing homophobic in it. I get cross when people accuse me of being something that I know I am not. I have no problems with homosexuals or lesbians, never have, never will.

I don't want to speak over AssassinatedBeauty, but I would take issue, among many things in your post with the notion that 'feminine mannerisms' is any kind of indication that a male is not a male. That kind of thinking really find a it's roots in homophobic attitudes about 'effeminate' men.

No one is saying that you personally are homophobic, rather than your comments here have homophobic elements.

The idea that boys with "feminine mannerisms" or girls with "masculine mannerisms" are demonstrating that they are transgender is what people are finding homophobic. Boys and girls will have a whole range of behaviours and it is sexist stereotyping to label those behaviours as masculine or feminine.

The idea that boys with feminine mannerisms or girls with masculine mannerisms need a lifetime of medical intervention makes me want to weep for all of us. And protect those children from the adults who think that way.

AssassinatedBeauty

Thank you for the explanation. I still don't see any form of homophobia in my comment. Maybe homophobia has changed its meaning these days. It used to mean a person who hated/disliked/feared two men being sexual partners. If that is still the case, then I still don't understand how what I wrote even remotely resembles any such bias. As for sexist, I will explain why I was not meaning to be sexist another time, i need to sleep.

MeganJPerry Can you really not see how sexist and homophobic your post was? This is what you wrote:

They tend to gravitate towards playing with more girly stuff, don't like playing with boys stuff, want to wear girls cloths, have more feminine mannerisms

Sexist stereotype after sexist stereotype.

And as for this:

Puberty blockers don't sterilise children, they delay onset of puberty. It buys the child more time to be sure they feel the need to continue along this path.

A child who has never gone through puberty will be sterile. So yes, they do sterilise children. If they're only taken for a short time at a young age (as for precocious puberty) then the child will go through a normal puberty when they stop, but if they're followed by cross-sex hormones then that person will be sterile.

I still don't see any form of homophobia in my comment.

Many boys who show feminine traits in childhood grow up to be gay. So saying that such boys are 'transgirls' is suggesting that this is better than them growing up to be gay.

MeganJPerry
Puberty blockers don't sterilise children, they delay onset of puberty. It buys the child more time to be sure they feel the need to continue along this path. Such children cant wait until they are say 16 then decide. By then the testosterone has kicked in and there entire body becomes masculine in features and strength. Once that happens its unlikely they will ever appear as a female. Its hard to hide bigger feet, hands, squarer jaw bones, body hair and the list goes on. So its not about sterilising anyone.

Puberty doesn't just effect the body, it has an impact on brain development too. Why would you want to impose a prepubescent body and brain on a 16 or 17 year old?
Lots of men leave it to middle age, establishing careers and families before successfully transitioning. It's not something that has to be decided before they are teenagers.

Even so, i read earlier someone mention that the prisons have 80,000 men in them, 12000 i think it was were sex offenders. To add some context to that, if in the UK we have say 66 million people and lets say 50% are female and 50% male. So 12000 men out of 33 million men is something like .034% of men are sex offenders. That is a very very tiny number of people and subsequently one could suggest, a very tiny risk. You probably have more chance of getting hit by a car walking to school. I know the figures are very simplistic, but it does i think add some context to the level of threat. Even so, its always better to air on the side of caution, but be a little more realistic about the risk level perhaps?

You're analysis is incorrect. According to the office of national statistics:

The CSEW estimated that 20% of women and 4% of men have experienced some type of sexual assault since the age of 16, equivalent to an estimated 3.4 million female victims and 631,000 male victims.

An estimated 3.1% of women (510,000) and 0.8% of men (138,000) aged 16 to 59 experienced sexual assault in the last year, according to the year ending March 2017 CSEW; no significant change from the previous year’s survey.

Please listen to the heartbreaking stories told by parents of children who have lost them to this phenomenon and have some compassion for them instead of shouting "vile" at parents for worrying about this. You are out of order doing this.

I totally agree that Glitter (?) should have co passion and not shout vile bug to say they have lost their children is completely wrong and I find it awful to think that a parent has lost their child. My son is my son,my daughters are my daughters and if they decide they are the opposite gender, or no gender, they are still my child.

Of course it's not completely wrong. That's how they feel. For someone signed up to the affirmation of feelings dogma you seem very willing to tell people their feelings are completely wrong. Why so bigoted? Why so derogatory of people not of your faith?

Also, children don't just become trans all of a sudden when they hit 10 years old or some similar age as though its some random choice they make. Its usually evident from a very early age, even as young as 2 years old. They tend to gravitate towards playing with more girly stuff, don't like playing with boys stuff, want to wear girls cloths, have more feminine mannerisms, they look so much happier when dressed according to there sense of inner-self.

Sorry, but what the actual FUCK?

What do you mean by 'girls stuff' and 'boys stuff' here please?

"Girl stuff" and "boy stuff" is absolute nonsense. There's just "stuff", kids should play with "stuff".
Same goes for clothes. DD2 favourite colour was blue, she hates skirts, she loved trains. She still does.

Op, you are right to stick up for your child's rights. It's not mean. We've been told the trans kid is in turmoil, and of that I have no doubt. So their parents have sent them to live elsewhere? That's cruel. Not you.

I'll try not to get deleted this time... DD1 best friend is trans. They sleep with my daughter on trips, so according to the new belief system that's a boy sleeping with a girl. But they were born the same biological sex. If we follow the line of The TAs they'd be forced apart.

Biological sexes are separated for a reason. I don't think this reason has gone away.

And the glitter quote telling a tran they can't see outside their own experiences. I thought I'd screenshot to save scrolling.

What a thread

*trans person

Well, I have to say the MN regulars have the kind of patience I do not, the sexist and homophobic nonsense on this thread was too much for me! Girls things and boys things? Yuck.

They sleep with my daughter on trips, so according to the new belief system that's a boy sleeping with a girl. But they were born the same biological sex. If we follow the line of The TAs they'd be forced apart.

I have an old friend who transitioned, FTM, and there's nothing that anyone could do that could make me see or treat my friend as a man because this is someone I've known since we were kids. We've shared a single sleeping bag before, I'd be happy to do so again if the situation warranted it. Would I do that with my male friends? Not likely (a bed, maybe, but a single size sleeping bag would be a bit much). The idea that female teenagers who're already struggling with their sense of self and their place in the world should be forcibly removed from the company of other girls so that we can pretend that they're boys (with the same in/ability to empathize with girls as boys, and present the same risk profile) was one of the things about the Girl Guides guidance that bothered me the most. Those kids need their friends. Some of them will eventually want to go back to identifying as girls, and we need to hold that space for them.

The idea that female teenagers who're already struggling with their sense of self and their place in the world should be forcibly removed from the company of other girls so that we can pretend that they're boys (with the same in/ability to empathize with girls as boys, and present the same risk profile) was one of the things about the Girl Guides guidance that bothered me the most. Those kids need their friends. Some of them will eventually want to go back to identifying as girls, and we need to hold that space for them.

I thought everyone was worried about contagion?

So is the concern that a trans girl/woman might encourage girls to identify as trans but that a trans boy/man won't? That seems a bit strange if your worry is contagion.

I guess we can add social contagion to the list of things you don't understand, then.

Then do explain to me how a mtf child risks causing contagion amongst girls but a ftm child doesn't?

The best way to deal with contagion is to carry on treating the girl as a girl until it passes. Forcing the world to pretend to her that she is a boy is both reckless and damaging. Claiming this is authentic is bogus. Abusing parents with suicide ideation is despately cruel. Claiming this is not a mental illness and yet is guaranteed to lead to suicide is profoundly contradictory.

Actually I have a question for you instead. Why would you want FTM children separated from their female friends?

Those kids need their friends. Some of them will eventually want to go back to identifying as girls, and we need to hold that space for them.

So is the concern that a trans girl/woman might encourage girls to identify as trans but that a trans boy/man won't? That seems a bit strange if your worry is contagion.

AAK's post makes perfect sense to me. A young girl who is going through something like that is still a girl - adults should be able to see that, support her, and keep her with her friends. It's just creepy to say "you're a boy now, in you go with the boys" or in the case of a 'transgirl' lumping him in with a group of girls.

Adults are assuming that the new boy or girl will be welcomed with open arms by the other children.

It's also fascinating to see the lack of compassion that it takes to response to both Kat's comment and mine with nothing but aggression and attempts to goad. Kat is talking about an actual child who she knows and who her daughter is close to. That child is not a tool for other people to use against her friend's mum.

We're supposed to know the background and history of everyone before we post now?
As well as one transperson pipes up and their words are suddenly gospel - everyone shush and listen to them?

Wow. Okay.

So had a quick google to make sure that I understood contagion (it confirmed that I did). Contagion is observed amongst friendship groups. So, if contagion is a concern to you (it isn't to me) then I would think encouraging a trans boy to remain amongst their female friendship group actually increases that risk (if that is your concern)

www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/08/180822150809.htm

Why would you want FTM children separated from their female friends?

I don't. But I'm also not citing contagion as a reason why this trans girl needs to be restricted from participating in many aspects of school life

Boarding schools are small closed environments. Pupils can have a huge influence on each other and dangerous fads can spread fast. (I boarded at a small girls school and there is no way I would even consider it for DC, and especially DD. We specifically sought out co-Ed day for her.)

From observation I have noted that boarding schools seem quick to have girls with anorexia leave. I assume two fold reasoning. First to get the girl away from the closed environment, plus to protect other girls from contagion. Given the cluster phenomenon of ROGD, I assume schools will be equally keen to manage any “they are so brave and stunning” response to a TG pupils from their peers.