Transgender child at DD’s school. Please help me write to the head?

[Comeymemo]

DD attends an independent co-Ed British international school. We are in a jurisdiction that provides for protection against sex discrimination, including in education. This country has no protection against discrimination on the basis of gender, and only recognises transgender persons when the person has undergone full reassignment surgery (including sterilisation). In other words, there is no right to self gender identification where we live.

The school is split in houses, all of which are either all boys or all girls. The school has a mix of boarders and non boarders.

We recently received a letter from the head, saying that a male pupil will be moving to a girl’s house after half term as the pupil is transgender. The letter states that the pupil will use the unisex accessible toilet including to undress (eg for sports). The letter does not state if the pupil is a boarder.

I want to write to the school outlining my concerns and would welcome any help.

The areas where I would like to get reassurance are:

• confirmation that the pupil will not be allowed to compete against girls or to be in girls’ teams for any sports
• confirmation that the pupil will not be allowed to play female parts in any dramatic productions (DD is into sports and drama and I don’t think it fair that female roles should be given to boys, as male parts are never available to girls)
• confirmation that the school will never allow the pupil to board in a girls’ house or to have access to girls’ boarding houses
• confirmation that girls will never be allowed or expected to share a bedroom with the pupil on any overnight trip
• confirmation that the school are not altering their records to reflect the pupil’s so-called self-ID, so that the pupil remains listed as male
• confirmation that the pupil is not taking the place of any girl on any awards or recognition list, such as for school prefect, scholarships or prizes that are only available to girls.
• would it be reasonable to request that DD is not in the same house as that pupil?

At this stage I don’t want to engage into a broader debate with the school over human rights, feminist theory or GC theory, so I’m trying to stay as down to earth as possible and seek clarification on practical areas.

Is there anything else you can think of that would be relevant in this context? Please feel free to direct me to other threads if this has been done before.

Many thanks 🙏

why do you have a problem with the pupil playing female parts in a drama play though?
Why is that a "safeguarding concern?"
Theatres have had males playing female parts since forever.

Because there are so few roles for women. At a professional level in 2016 women played only 32% of the characters in the top-grossing releases of 2016, with even fewer cast in lead roles. Once cast in a film there is the Bechdel test, which measures gender inequality within fiction. Is measures the dialogue of female roles and looks for how often women talk about something other than men. 50% of films fail this test.

This is mirrored in the theatre, Less than 16 per cent of Shakespearean characters are women. The biggest role for women is Rosalind, with 721 lines compared to Hamlets 1506. Only four years ago Tonic Theatre reported that just 37 per cent of stage roles were for women and the work of women playwrights made up a mere 8 per cent of staged productions.

It's not denying Trans is real to acknowledge some impressionable teens latch onto things

Sorry, gay comparison again, but what you're saying there is exactly the same sort of shite that got peddled out for gay people years ago.
People thinking you could "catch the gay" or it shouldn't be taught about in schools because if people think it's an actual thing they might want to be gay too.
You think people might see their friends being trans gay? and do it too as it's cool to be trans gay? your words not mine.

It's widely acknowledged that homosexual teens are identifying as Trans rather than homosexual because it is seen as somehow more acceptable. No one dismissed a whole group of anything except you dismissing anyone with safeguarding concerns which included the Trans child

Homosexuality is different. It describes same sex attraction.

Transgenderism is some form of mismatch between a persons natal sex and how they feel. A feeling described as ‘gender’. Unlike sex, gender is not physical nor verifiable.

The two are not the same and should not be conflated.

You're dismissing all trans people as a group in that one sentence alone because in your head, they're not trans, just suffering from a mental disorder.

Hang on, so according to you, is being trans a mental disorder or not? Because there are plenty of trans people who will tell you that it absolutely is a mental disorder. And if it's not a mental disorder then why should anyone get any hormones or surgery on the NHS?

I am always confused about the 'is trans a mental illness or not issue'. On the one hand it isn't because 'being gay isn't so... transphobia', but when it comes to getting surgery or hormones or other services on the NHS then it is a mental disorder, and denying that to trans people is awful. Also, I thought there were huge suicide rates amongst trans people, but it's nothing to do with mental health issues?

You can see my confusion yes?

Glitter..do you have teenage children. Are you really not worried about peer influences or social contagion, whether it be drugs, self harming, perhaps right wing politics, or a lemming like rush to come out as trans.

Odd. Not many parents are as relaxed as you.

No one dismissed a whole group of anything except you dismissing anyone with safeguarding concerns which included the Trans child

I haven't dismissed safeguarding concerns, have I mentioned sleeping in same room for example which is one of the points? No, because I can see why that could be seen as a safeguarding issue.
OP has come back and clarified that she still wants the child not to be in certain play parts which doesn't have anything to do with safety concerns at all. People think that parents should have a right to know what the child's records looks like too.
It's just wanting to exclude altogether and some are going along with that. Under the guise of "being concerned".

Explain that to my niece and her 4 mates who have been in and out of the Trans phase over the last 18 months.
She is now an out and proud lesbian, but of course you know her better than she does
Knowing teenagers is not an attack on Trans people no matter how much you want it to be

This trsnswoman's story is insightful:

theworldnews.net/gb-news/people-think-it-s-cool-to-be-trans-but-they-re-heading-for-disaster-sex-change-woman-says-surgery-destroyed-her-life

Agreed glitter.

The OP's post, condensed:

'Oh no a trans child is joining my daughter's class! What can the school and I do to make her feel as different, as excluded and as other as possible?'

It's deeply disturbing.

With all these efforts being made to accommodate the childs current belief they are Trans won't it be much harder for them to admit if they realise they were mistaken and actually believe they are now and always were a boy.

This is a very real concern. Children change their minds about all sorts of things all the time. A lot of adults giving a child special treatment because of their 'gender identity' will make it very difficult for a child to say they made a mistake and realise that they're not trans after all. They could easily get trapped in their transgender identity with no easy route out.

Much better to tell the child that they can be as gender nonconforming as they want, but that it's not possible to change sex.

Even if there was a fear about 'catching the gay', it's not going to scar a child for life to question who they are attracted to. Messing with their self esteem to the point that they feel they must be a different sex or no sex at all, with the lightest consequence being an uncritical acceptance of the idea that woman = stereotypes and vague feelings and the worst mastectomy and painful vaginal atrophy, is nothing like being gay.

Wow OP. So much hate and fear. I hope your DD doesn't grow up like you. The changing thing, I get. The rest is just crap. Not allowing a CHILD to get any recognition or reward and not wanting your precious DD in the same house? WTAF.

Sorry, gay comparison again, but what you're saying there is exactly the same sort of shite that got peddled out for gay people years ago.
People thinking you could "catch the gay" or it shouldn't be taught about in schools because if people think it's an actual thing they might want to be gay too.
You think people might see their friends being trans gay? and do it too as it's cool to be trans gay? your words not mine.

This picture is the kind of crap that is being rolled out in schools. Children are being taught this. Do you not think that a gender non-conforming child (a child who, up until that point was perfectly happy with their short hair, girly clothes, football playing, whatever it was they were doing) will look at something like this and think 'oh, I'm transgender' . Teenagers are incredibly impressionable. What is the purpose of material like this? I mean really, Barbie or GI Joe?

Stop with the gay comparisons as well. It's literally impossible to make a person gay (or straight, hence conversion therapy not working) because being gay is defined by what you like, and you can't change what you like.

That is totally different to telling children that if the things that they like or the way that they look don't fit in with the stereotypical expectations of their sex, that there might be something wrong with them that needs correcting in some way. Which is exactly what charities like Mermaids are doing in schools right now.

Oh my picture hasn't posted - it's the Mermaids 'where are you on the gender spectrum?' poster that I was referring to.

RockyFlintstone the difference between 1 and 3 on that spectrum seems to be waist size it looks like one of those dress for your body shape guides ...

It's literally impossible to make a person gay (or straight, hence conversion therapy not working) because being gay is defined by what you like, and you can't change what you like

Yes, of course it's impossible to make a person gay, if you're gay you truly are
The same could be said for transpeople though. As in if you're trans, you truly are. Even if all your friends pretend to be trans, like the pp where they all pretended to be lesbians, doesn't make the real ones any less so. That its's not a real thing.
A lot of people would still say being gay isn't a thing too. (Not me, I hasten to add, but homophobia where people think that is definitely still about!)

Even if there was a fear about 'catching the gay', it's not going to scar a child for life to question who they are attracted to

It might if their parents flat out refused to believe they were gay though and were adamant that it was just a phase they'd snap out of.
Or couldn't accept them for who they were.

As in if you're trans, you truly are.

You are 'truly' what though? What is the measure for 'being trans' (as in, the measure for being gay is that you are attracted to people of the same sex)? Do you mean you have gender dysphoria?

Not allowing a CHILD to get any recognition or reward
Like the girls who would have won First if Andrya Yearwood hadn't won instead?
Yes that is mean isn't it.
Since when did wanting your child to be treated fairly according to the school rules about sex become mean? OP has not said she wants this child tarred and feathered, she has valid concerns and the vilification is uncalled for when OP asked for advice.
No-one doubts being a teenager and believing you are trans is hard, but it's not the case that everybody else should be asked to make sacrifices against the schools own rules.

How can you pretend to be trans? If you say it's your identity then that's the definition of transgender, surely? Otherwise you're in the position of trying to judge someone's identity rather than accepting them as they are?

How can you pretend to be trans? If you say it's your identity then that's the definition of transgender, surely? Otherwise you're in the position of trying to judge someone's identity rather than accepting them as they are?

Yes, exactly. This is why I was confused about the 'truly trans' comment. I thought the whole definition of trans was that 'you say you are and it is so'.

OP, I understand. .. women hold around 20% of the seats in parliament and a similar percentage of board positions in western countries. Money and power globally is held predominately by men. Women have long fought for equal access to education and opportunities in order to redress this balance. Where reviews are not in place, the overwhelming power held by men and the ingrained gender stereotypes means that men continue to receive a disproportionate share of voice and achievement. It is only by consumers standby shining a light on persisting inequalities that we have been able to make inroads. If we remove all methods of reviewing whether these inequalities between males and females persist, the overy helping evidence points towards the fact that women will loose out and the inequalities will worsen.

Unless we can see whether girls are achieving the same grades as boys in maths, we cannot ensure that they have equal access to the jobs that pay best.

Unless we can see that girls are given equal opportunities to compete in sport, we cannot begin to redress the balance between the genders in terms of achievement in this area.

Unless we can show girls that we respect them and present powerful women role models to them, we cannot prove to them that their efforts will be rewarded.

Social stereotypes of male and female behaviour do women a great disservice that they do to men. Unless we fight against these stereotypes, we all suffer.

If only it were as simple as saying, get rid of stereotypes and the problem will be solved. Centuries of the silencing and oppression of women tells us otherwise. Until women share power and money equally with men, we need to strive to ensure women are not pushed aside.

Yes, there is one scared child at the centre of this but there are hundreds of girls standing at the edges who are having their needs pushed aside and are unable to speak out because they are accused of hatred if they do so.

Whilst the OP is rather off the mark,

in what way? And frankly that sounds a bit like censorship from MNHQ to me.

How can you pretend to be trans? If you say it's your identity then that's the definition of transgender, surely?

Yes, exactly. This is why I was confused about the 'truly trans' comment. I thought the whole definition of trans was that 'you say you are and it is so'.

You can't, that was my point in response to those upthread saying that their mates do it, so they all think it's a cool thing to be etc!
Like you say, you can't pretend to be trans. You just are.
So saying kids want to be trans because their friends all do it and they want to as well, that's it just a phase.... no, being trans is just who you are.Others upthread think it's something you can pretend to be though.