Transgender child at DD’s school. Please help me write to the head?

[Comeymemo]

DD attends an independent co-Ed British international school. We are in a jurisdiction that provides for protection against sex discrimination, including in education. This country has no protection against discrimination on the basis of gender, and only recognises transgender persons when the person has undergone full reassignment surgery (including sterilisation). In other words, there is no right to self gender identification where we live.

The school is split in houses, all of which are either all boys or all girls. The school has a mix of boarders and non boarders.

We recently received a letter from the head, saying that a male pupil will be moving to a girl’s house after half term as the pupil is transgender. The letter states that the pupil will use the unisex accessible toilet including to undress (eg for sports). The letter does not state if the pupil is a boarder.

I want to write to the school outlining my concerns and would welcome any help.

The areas where I would like to get reassurance are:

• confirmation that the pupil will not be allowed to compete against girls or to be in girls’ teams for any sports
• confirmation that the pupil will not be allowed to play female parts in any dramatic productions (DD is into sports and drama and I don’t think it fair that female roles should be given to boys, as male parts are never available to girls)
• confirmation that the school will never allow the pupil to board in a girls’ house or to have access to girls’ boarding houses
• confirmation that girls will never be allowed or expected to share a bedroom with the pupil on any overnight trip
• confirmation that the school are not altering their records to reflect the pupil’s so-called self-ID, so that the pupil remains listed as male
• confirmation that the pupil is not taking the place of any girl on any awards or recognition list, such as for school prefect, scholarships or prizes that are only available to girls.
• would it be reasonable to request that DD is not in the same house as that pupil?

At this stage I don’t want to engage into a broader debate with the school over human rights, feminist theory or GC theory, so I’m trying to stay as down to earth as possible and seek clarification on practical areas.

Is there anything else you can think of that would be relevant in this context? Please feel free to direct me to other threads if this has been done before.

Many thanks 🙏

As you have listed your concerns why don't you just write to the Head in a similar fashion

I think the most pressing issue is the boarding one. If they are a boarder and the school is suggesting they are now moving then obviously that’s your main problem. I think your list covers all that I would be concerned about. If you want to request your child be in a different house than that’s your prerogative I think.

what about making sure they dont drink from the same water fountains while your at it

Very funny *Notea’. It’s also you're not your.
Also reported.

what about making sure they dont drink from the same water fountains while your at it

Drinking from the same water fountain isn't quite the same as getting changed in a sex segregated space now is it?

If a boy who is trans is getting changed in with the girls then what was the point of sex segregation in the first place?

Poor kid. You do realise this child is a human being don't you? If they are in the girls house then you are asking that they never receive an award, never have recognition for achievements, never go on an overnight trip - plus more besides. Sounds like a pretty miserable childhood you want for them. I am staunchly gender critical but I'd never use that stance to try and lessen the quality of life of an individual child beyond the quality of life I would expect for their peers.

Sackrifice the changing thing has already been addressed by the school.

I think some of your concerns are actually very mean spirited (and I say that as a gender critical radfem). This is a child you're talking about. Trying to keep your DD away from this child is the way parents used to treat gay students not so long ago, or those with HIV.

By all means make sure correct safeguarding procedures are followed - no shared accommodation or changing rooms - but please have a think about your other points carefully. This child has every right to as normal a school experience as possible.

I'd concentrate on the privacy, dignity and safety aspects which could affect your child, so stick to questions about overnight accommodation, boarding arrangements (if your child is a boarder), changing rooms and toilets etc.

Questions about things like school records, dramatic productions and which school house the child is put in could make you seem bigoted and weaken your position on the issues of safety and privacy.

would it be reasonable to request that DD is not in the same house as that pupil?

I think that it would be reasonable to say that your daughter should not live in a house with a male bodied teenager, whoever that is. Be prepared for them to potentially move your daughter rather than the other child.

Sounds like a pretty miserable childhood you want for them.

The miserable childhood has been orchestrated by those who claim that people can change sex.

I am staunchly gender critical

Not if you put the feelings of boys first, you aren't.

A lot of your concerns sound over the top. Stick to the important things (bedrooms, sport where the physical difference matters) otherwise you will come across as being motivated by dislike rather than concern.

"Why are women so mean?"

I think some of your concerns are actually very mean spirited (and I say that as a gender critical radfem).

Gender critical radfems don't put the feelings of boys above the privacy, dignity and structural opportunities of girls.

HTH.

Amen langcheng

What's with the sudden declarations of "identifying as" gender critical when you're about to articulate fundamentalist genderist views?

I have recently done this though over a much younger child (I assume).
I have not framed it in terms of this particular child, but asked for general principles. I think it is worth reframing this as a general principle and remember that other gender nonconforming children may be "transed" in the future. I specifically said we are NOT talking about this child but that the school needs to let parents know its principles. I mentioned safeguarding about 65 million times.

If you are in an area with a more religious population (religious Mulsim/Jewish/Hindu/Christian) you may also want to look into protection on religious grounds, and how exclusion from swimming/changing for drama/sports/sleeping accommodation on trips may affect those girls differentially. And you will certainly find that such parents also want to know the answers to these questions.

I'm messaging you a bit more as it could be quite outing.

Along with safety concerns, and these. bar boarding, seem to have been addressed, I would worry about contagion. You are aware of ROGD and the way it can affect groups of girls. I would be asking what educational resources they are using for the pupils. If Stonewall/Mermaids/GIRES/Allsorts etc you would like to see the material first as you are aware of press articles in the UK. Transgender Trend is the way to go.

In short your concerns are about your child not the other.

In terms of sport etc, it depends on whether your child is very sporty and about the same age. In which case you could ask saying sport means a lot to your child. What are they planning to ensure that girls will be able to compete on equal terms.

If they are in the girls house then you are asking that they never receive an award, never have recognition for achievements, never go on an overnight trip - plus more besides.

And what about the actual girls and their rights for a chance to all those things?

The feeling and wants of one boy no matter how he identifies over the rights of all the girls doesn't seem fair to me.

I don't think it's your business how the school records the pupil's sex or gender, unless you can think and explain how this would negatively affect the girls, and I think that if you ask for your child to be in a different house they will put you down as a bigot and are less likely to consider your other points.

I agree with your other points but I don't think the school will. The child can compete with males in sports. If male drama parts aren't open to females then female drama parts shouldn't be open to males. Someone is going to lose out in these situations. I'm not sure why it has to be the girls who have no say in the matter.

It's not too early for the trans child to learn that they will have to make many difficult decisions if this is the path they have decided to take.

This has really made me think! I'm GC rad fem. but this example really does make it real and more human.

I feel so sad for the child that this is happening all around him.

Overall it would be great if the boy could be whoever he wants to be around his peer group without needing a transgender label at all.

I would suggest not doing any of that and respecting this child’s right to exist and participate and be treated the same as any other child.

Wow, many thanks for the replies, most of which are very helpful. I agree this is not about that individual pupil, but about the school’s policies and safeguarding. I will rephrase my concerns accordingly.

I'm with Supermamabear. They've taken care of the toilet and changing issues. If there is an overnight trip, ask briefly then although the chances are that the school would have that in hand, too. I work at a school with two transgender kids. We use our common sense.