Transgender child at DD’s school. Please help me write to the head?

[Comeymemo]

DD attends an independent co-Ed British international school. We are in a jurisdiction that provides for protection against sex discrimination, including in education. This country has no protection against discrimination on the basis of gender, and only recognises transgender persons when the person has undergone full reassignment surgery (including sterilisation). In other words, there is no right to self gender identification where we live.

The school is split in houses, all of which are either all boys or all girls. The school has a mix of boarders and non boarders.

We recently received a letter from the head, saying that a male pupil will be moving to a girl’s house after half term as the pupil is transgender. The letter states that the pupil will use the unisex accessible toilet including to undress (eg for sports). The letter does not state if the pupil is a boarder.

I want to write to the school outlining my concerns and would welcome any help.

The areas where I would like to get reassurance are:

• confirmation that the pupil will not be allowed to compete against girls or to be in girls’ teams for any sports
• confirmation that the pupil will not be allowed to play female parts in any dramatic productions (DD is into sports and drama and I don’t think it fair that female roles should be given to boys, as male parts are never available to girls)
• confirmation that the school will never allow the pupil to board in a girls’ house or to have access to girls’ boarding houses
• confirmation that girls will never be allowed or expected to share a bedroom with the pupil on any overnight trip
• confirmation that the school are not altering their records to reflect the pupil’s so-called self-ID, so that the pupil remains listed as male
• confirmation that the pupil is not taking the place of any girl on any awards or recognition list, such as for school prefect, scholarships or prizes that are only available to girls.
• would it be reasonable to request that DD is not in the same house as that pupil?

At this stage I don’t want to engage into a broader debate with the school over human rights, feminist theory or GC theory, so I’m trying to stay as down to earth as possible and seek clarification on practical areas.

Is there anything else you can think of that would be relevant in this context? Please feel free to direct me to other threads if this has been done before.

Many thanks 🙏

I see the twitterspere exploding.... "banning Shakespeare" etc etc. ad nauseum...

What the hell is the obsession with how things looking on the misogynistic cesspit that is Twitter?? Who cares?

the more reports on this the better so far as I'm concerned. happy to get my first ever mn rebuke.

Jennings (respect for the Americans reference), I’m not a troll, i don’t even know the pupil in question, but I don’t want them to get more opportunities than DD to female parts. Is that really so nasty?

As far as I’m aware the school never gives male parts to girls. That pupil is male, not female.

I wouldn’t be so fussed about drama, but only on the proviso that male parts are available to girls (irrespective of their gender ID).

Thing is, making dramatic roles equally available to both sexes is also a feminist principle, and one that directly affects your DD who likes acting. So you wouldn't be much of feminist if you didn't think that was important enough to tackle with the school until a transgender child came along.

JenningsElizabeth
Many schools don’t allow Male and female parts to be played by the opposite sex. Similarly that happens with race. At single sex schools they obviously will do.

You're not? Seriously?

I kind of don't even know where to start with the drama thing.

Go on Jennings, please report. I haven’t even name changed for this and I’ve been here for years. Please come back and tell me how MN deals with your report.

I'm very critical about the gender identity ideology but the list in the OP seemed over-the-top.

I liked OldCrone's suggestion:

I'd concentrate on the privacy, dignity and safety aspects which could affect your child, so stick to questions about overnight accommodation, boarding arrangements (if your child is a boarder), changing rooms and toilets etc.

I disagree very strongly with those suggesting that you need to prioritise the feelings of the male to female transgender child over your daughters needs for privacy, dignity and safety whilst at school.
This hierarchy of victim-hood serves no one, your daughter is also likely to be a victim here, if her rights are not being considered.

It is also your job, as your daughter's parent, to voice your concerns for her safety and the curtailment of her sex based rights, she cannot be expected to do this for herself.

I also disagree with those who suggested that you limit the total number of issues you raise with the school. It is very rare in negotiations to obtain all you ask for, if you go in with a limited N of requests, you are less likely to get your minima.

Finally, you might also want to add additional issues that you take up with the school:

1- What ongoing psychological measures do the school have in place for the transgender child, as they will likely suffer when day to day life reminds them about the differences between their natal and preferred sex.

2- What measures is the school putting in place to stop contagion, in general? This is especially a concern given ROGD in young girls.

3- What special measures is the school putting in place to ensure that girls who are on the autism spectrum, and/or who are lesbian, are safeguarded from contagion.

Good luck!

JenningsElizabeth - are you aware that you have a very similar name to another, but different, FWR regular?

no I just like the programme Lang.

Do you want me to change it (this is a genuine question).

So what you basically want is for this child that's no doubt going through a difficult time in regards to gender, sexuality etc to be excluded from taking part in any girls activities. No acceptance of the person SHE will become or the poor child's feelings. The fact that the school is choosing to accept this for the child and won't be a decision the school or child's parents have taken lightly. She identifies as female and to go through this in school years is a massive thing. Do you expect that she will do sports with the boys? Or if recognised be awarded Head Boy? Or take the male lead in a school play (not a Oscar nominated film)? SHE won't be male so why can't she take part. Just because SHE was born in the wrong body doesn't automatically mean she will be good at team sports.

Ask the questions about boarding but unless this transgender student happens to be attracted to girls I don't see what difference her been there will make. And if she is attracted to girls its similar to them sharing with a gay student because she feels trapped in the wrong body she doesn't want male genitals. You sound like a arse with the questions in regards to sports and girls awards etc. Accept that SHE should be given the same opportunities as the other just like She would if she had remained male.

As for the request in regards to your daughter been in a different house ask them to move your daughter if this child is placed in the same house. She's going through enough without having to deal with adults like you.

I'm happy to not have or be a parent like you. I think this is a massive learning curve for your daughter and her friends in regards to acceptance of others especially in a country that won't accept till after full sex change. These are after all the leaders of the future.
Let them accept, let them lead, let them change peoples attitudes, let them change the future. Let them not be as prejudice as you....

I hope this isn't real

Oh god the woke have turned up.

Mrskeats 🙂

I also disagree with those who suggested that you limit the total number of issues you raise with the school. It is very rare in negotiations to obtain all you ask for, if you go in with a limited N of requests, you are less likely to get your minima.

On the other hand if you go in with a long shopping list of disconnected issues ranging from significant to petty, including issues that you considered too trivial to take up with the school beforehand, and all ranged around this one child, you just look like a green-inker.

RiverTam and BigGoat, thank you for your points, all notes with thanks

You're not kidding Mrskeats:

And if she is attracted to girls its similar to them sharing with a gay student because she feels trapped in the wrong body she doesn't want male genitals.

Sure, it's exactly the same as a teenage girl being in overnight accommodation with another teenage girl who is gay.

Oh god the woke have turned up.

Haven’t they just.

OP, your concerns are valid and you should definitely raise them with your school.

Do you want me to change it (this is a genuine question).

No, mate, is fine. I just didn't want everyone else to be confused between the two of you.

She would if she had remained male.

Isn’t this transphobic? Aren’t we supposed to believe they were always female/ a girl?

@oldcrone I agree I used the wrong language there. I guess I’m just pointing out that if we, as articulate adults, me included, have difficulty navigating what is okay to say, what not, what actually transgender or self identifying all is and isn’t. What are the boundaries, what it means.

If we have such a hard time.

Then I don’t think it’s fair to expect teenagers to be able to cope and navigate it. To the extent that houses are changed etc. I’m not sure teenagehood is the right time to fully do this for the boy or whether the school should be either? If someone feels they are gay they don’t then get changed houses etc, they get time to adjust, others get time to adjust.

I don’t even know if the pupil is into sports or drama. This isn’t about the individual pupil, it’s about equal opportunities for girls (which this pupil isn’t).

SingaporeSlinky, I agree the school records are not really any of my business, but if the school has a limited number of places for girls, I’d like reassurance that that pupil isn’t taking a place that would otherwise go to a girl. This isn’t about my DD (she is already in the school) but a broader issue of access to education.