Transgender child at DD’s school. Please help me write to the head?

[Comeymemo]

DD attends an independent co-Ed British international school. We are in a jurisdiction that provides for protection against sex discrimination, including in education. This country has no protection against discrimination on the basis of gender, and only recognises transgender persons when the person has undergone full reassignment surgery (including sterilisation). In other words, there is no right to self gender identification where we live.

The school is split in houses, all of which are either all boys or all girls. The school has a mix of boarders and non boarders.

We recently received a letter from the head, saying that a male pupil will be moving to a girl’s house after half term as the pupil is transgender. The letter states that the pupil will use the unisex accessible toilet including to undress (eg for sports). The letter does not state if the pupil is a boarder.

I want to write to the school outlining my concerns and would welcome any help.

The areas where I would like to get reassurance are:

• confirmation that the pupil will not be allowed to compete against girls or to be in girls’ teams for any sports
• confirmation that the pupil will not be allowed to play female parts in any dramatic productions (DD is into sports and drama and I don’t think it fair that female roles should be given to boys, as male parts are never available to girls)
• confirmation that the school will never allow the pupil to board in a girls’ house or to have access to girls’ boarding houses
• confirmation that girls will never be allowed or expected to share a bedroom with the pupil on any overnight trip
• confirmation that the school are not altering their records to reflect the pupil’s so-called self-ID, so that the pupil remains listed as male
• confirmation that the pupil is not taking the place of any girl on any awards or recognition list, such as for school prefect, scholarships or prizes that are only available to girls.
• would it be reasonable to request that DD is not in the same house as that pupil?

At this stage I don’t want to engage into a broader debate with the school over human rights, feminist theory or GC theory, so I’m trying to stay as down to earth as possible and seek clarification on practical areas.

Is there anything else you can think of that would be relevant in this context? Please feel free to direct me to other threads if this has been done before.

Many thanks 🙏

Move your child to a sensible school that doesn't separate awards etc or have antiquated 'houses'

For the record OP, I think most of your concerns are entirely reasonable, especially as you go on to qualify them.

I have a son but I would reflect most of what you say, if it were my daughter.

I think schools need to be especially careful in biology lessons here - not sure if you have that covered but if this boy is to be seen or treated like a girl it needs to be made clear that this is gender not sex as no one can change their sex.

I'm honestly not trying to annoy anyone if that's aimed at me?
I'm not arguing for non segregated spaces at all

pepperjack

It's been acknowledged in recent years that there has been an ignored undercurrent of sexual violence in schools. The majority of victims being female.

Do you think it's okay for us as a society to recognise and attempt to tackle that whilst simultaneously removing all female only spaces in schools, in particular ones where pupils will be undressed or performing intimate self care? Personally I think it's the height of cognitive dissonance.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/dec/12/are-we-ignoring-an-epidemic-of-sexual-violence-in-schools

So would a male body in a female dormitory be ok then?

pepper so you believe that as soon as a male person says the magic words 'I identify as female' they crease to be male and their penis falls off?

Thank you for your measured response ova.
And rivertam

yes?

Do I need to respond to that Rivertam?
Of course not

you mentioned my name and left it hanging?

'and rivertam' ... what?

@OP. Like many others, I think you risk weakening your argument and looking like a bigot by having too many points. Fewer, stronger points which can be pursued if ignored, is better. To me, points 1, 3 and 4 are critical.

As PPs have said:

• Point 2 about the drama looks petty. I get why, but I think it weakens your argument.
• Point 5 is none of your business. I agree the law should be clarified on this, but you have no say so trying to argue it side tracks your main points. I can't see one kid who is already there will stop any girls going.
• Point 6 might be important if there are scholarships or other important long term prizes; but don't include it unless there are and don't make it about in school stuff like prefects and awards evenings.
• Point 7 really does risk looking bigoted. Concentrate on the right to single sex spaces and single sex sports.

I think this is the best advice you've had:

I have not framed it in terms of this particular child, but asked for general principles. I think it is worth reframing this as a general principle and remember that other gender nonconforming children may be "transed" in the future. I specifically said we are NOT talking about this child but that the school needs to let parents know its principles. I mentioned safeguarding about 65 million times.

There are other threads with specific info about legal guidance on things like toilets and overnight accomodation, though for your first letter I would try to keep it to your main point and hold back specific arguments for if they push back. I would aim to be positive and non-confrontational in tone for now.

Surely academic awards shouldn't be sex based anyway? And parts in school productions should go to the best performer, regardless of sex. I would say your school is too rigid about gender in the first place and that's a separate issue.

Personally, I would only be concerned with the accommodation issues and the sport. The rest, to me, is not about biology.

My DS has a transboy and transgirl in his form. Everyone seems to rub along okay.

I was saying thank you for your measured response too, taking time to explain a concern about peer on peer abuse.
Then you had to spoil it by talking about penises falling off😆!!

What ever happened to just being nice?!

Just being nice is how women and girls have been gaslighted into budging over for males since the dawn of time.

Just being nice is how we ended up with Phillip/Pippa Bunce.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3374264-To-think-this-is-just-taking-the-piss

OP is right to prioritise her daughter.

Most of us here on FWR rightly object when a male-bodied person is named one of the 'top ten women in science' or gets onto a political party's leadership program for women.

A male-bodied person being named Head Girl or getting any kind of girl-only award at school is exactly the same principle, on a smaller scale. It isn't petty. If he gets these awards, actual girls are missing out.

I also don't think any girl at boarding school should have to share a room with a male-bodied person, no matter how feminine he feels. His feelings aren't more important than her right to privacy and dignity.

I think to check if it's unreasonable, ask how you'd view it if it were just a regular boy wanting it.

Boy wants female part in play - fine, if girls can also play male roles. If not, it's that rule that needs sorting out.
Boy wants to be moved to female dorm - just no.

I'm not arguing for non segregated spaces at all

Except that you are, in insisting that a Male should be admitted to female spaces on their say-so. Either we have sex segregation, or we don’t. You can’t treat trans people differently from everyone else, which is what making exceptions to sex separation just for them only, is. It makes no sense, it crosses boundaries and makes girls and women uncomfortable. Being ‘nice’ has nothing to do with either safeguarding of children, or protection of women. This really shouldn’t need explaining to anyone.

I'm not insisting anything
I'm asking questions

How exactly does one identify as female/ woman/girl?

This always puzzles me as I can't figure it out.

Can those defending self ID, please explain this to me without just resorting to circular arguments.

Is it:

Liking pink, being soft, liking dresses, being kind, loving glitter, and wearing makeup. Enjoying sewing, cooking and hating football, sweating and other 'manly' things?

Or, is it:

Having the reproductive system of a female, e.g., vulva, breasts, vagina, uterus and having XX chromosomes.

I don't identify as a woman/female/Girl I just have the body of one.

The rest is just personality and stereotypes.

I do believe that some people aren't comfortable in their own skin, or with their expected role in society, but that doesn't mean they're 'in the wrong body' because that's impossible.

You're born in the body you have, whether it's too short, too tall, too hairy or whatever.

Feeling so bad about this that you want to mutilate your body or take drugs to alter it is, imo, a mental illness and needs treatment, not VALIDATION.

Maybe if you had put as much time and effort into researching the lives of these transgender boys, girls to, you wouldn't have asked the questions listed below. It seems to me, its not just your concern with your DDs safety that is at the heart of your feelings, its more about you don't like the idea of your daughter being around boys who present as female and dress accordingly.

"- confirmation that the pupil will not be allowed to play female parts in any dramatic productions (DD is into sports and drama and I don’t think it fair that female roles should be given to boys, as male parts are never available to girls)"

Why not? So he strongly feels female inside, dresses & wishes to live accordingly, living his life as a more happy and authentic person with a wish to be accepted by people as just that. So he dresses 100% of the time, not for fun, but just being himself and you would wish he was excluded from playing female roles in a Drama?

"- confirmation that the pupil is not taking the place of any girl on any awards or recognition list, such as for school prefect, scholarships or prizes that are only available to girls. "

Why not? It's not like he has any advantage in those examples, but you want him (her) to be excluded and discriminated against for just being different from genetic girls?

"- would it be reasonable to request that DD is not in the same house as that pupil?"

That, I am sorry, speaks volumes about the unpleasant or ignorant type of person you are. Shame on you!

Don't know if it's been picked up by anyone else, but what exactly do MNHQ mean by this?

Whilst the OP is rather off the mark, after much discussion we're going to let this thread stand...

Policy shouldn’t be made on one person’s feelings or circumstances, so this isn’t about the trans child specifically but about the way in which the school will deal with safeguarding issues.

OP, please let us know how the school responds to your valud concerns.

"Don't know if it's been picked up by anyone else, but what exactly do MNHQ mean by this?
Whilst the OP is rather off the mark, after much discussion we're going to let this thread stand..."

I think they mean what donquixotedelamancha has said (which is what I wish I had said)

I wondered that Howdo. If I was a cynical sort I'd think it meant that having concerns about the treatment of girls is a silly waste of time.

Maybe MNHQ will come back and explain, I have reported their post and asked why they consider raising safeguarding concerns are off the mark.