I've realised that I just don't like men very much...

[SandAndSnow]

And I wanted to talk through it a bit, if that's ok. I hope this is the right place.

I'm sitting on a train next to a terrible man spreader so I'm feeling a bit raged at the moment, but it's also made me realise that I increasingly tend to treat men with caution and, if I'm honest, dislike.

I'm in my early thirties, have been sexually assaulted by 3 different boys/men, had a truly awful experience with a bullying (male) obstetrician, my father is an emotionally and at times physically abusive bully and I've been passed over for promotion in favour of a younger and less well qualified colleague by a male boss. As well as all the regular crap like street harassment, manspreading etc. I'm happily married, and I have a couple of male friends, but I'm generally much more comfortable and happy in the company of other women.

Now, perhaps I've been unlucky, and I need to just get over all of this. I'm entirely happy to be told this! And I'm happy to be told that this isn't normal, and I should seek help for this too.

But I wonder if other women feel the same, and that this is actually a rational response to the experiences which I've had?

So do you think you should both 'just get over that?' Or is there a process of recovery you want to share?

We realise you don't get there are women who are processing trauma, since you aren't

I do get it, honestly.
The OP asked for alternative views too though, people give them but get questions asked or insults thrown if they respond.

'I'm fine and you should just get over it' is not an alternative.

I'm so glad that there is no problem. Now I can stop taking all of the myriad precautions that women take all of the time and just live my life without worrying. Can't I?

this seems like a good point to post this link again;
thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2017/11/50-shades-of-gaslighting-the-disturbing-signs-an-abuser-is-twisting-your-reality/

''In the context of an abusive relationship, gaslighting is used to deliberately undercut the victim’s reality and make him or her more malleable to mistreatment. ''

Gaslighting allows perpetrators to evade accountability for their actions, to deflect responsibility and exercise their control over their partners with alarming ease.

“Narcissists are like Teflon; nothing sticks. They don’t take responsibility. For anything. They are master deflectors and try to avoid the blame when cheating, stealing and everything in between. They make up complex excuses and can rationalize anything. When they are finally called out, they are quick to claim they are being persecuted, though they may be apologetic for a minute. When someone never takes responsibility for anything – words, actions, feelings – it is a challenging, if not impossible way to maintain a relationship.” Dr. Durvasula, Should I Stay or Should I Go? Surviving a Relationship With a Narcissist

userschmoozer

Process of recovery - put it into context and refuse to let the scum bag win. If we change what we do or how we think then she's won. It wasn't easy to get over and I was angry about why she felt she had the right to do that. Then I decided that if she changed me in any way that she had won. But then I'm bolshy and bloody minded and I won't let someone else to control me like that so I made the conscious decision to not think about it.

Having a little cheer when she got sent to prison for 8 years helped too.

Some thoughts about recovery;
Recovery is a process.
Recovery is delayed or set back by repeated exposure to the threat, or repeated incidents. This is one reason why many women are in a constant state of alert. Being re-traumatised isn't a choice they make, it is done to them.
Sneering at people who are in the process of recovery, or interfering with another persons recovery is a tactic used by abusers.

This is an interesting blog, I dont agree with all of the statements made about learning, for example it doesn't take trauma bonding into account.
It seems to focus more on the 'shark attack' kind of trauma rather than those that are an on going everyday threat.
www.psychologytoday.com/gb/articles/200111/recovering-trauma

In some ways I think threads like this are rather useful for women trying to make sense of it all. They are like live action Patriarchy replay in slow-mo

So can I just clarify

I'm not womaning right
I'm not parenting right
And I'm not recovering from trauma right?

Is that correct?

Sounds about right weetabix

Sooooooo

Because wheet was burgled by a woman that somehow proves that women as dangerous as men, despite the fact she acknowledges that men are far more likely to commit crime than women.

She’s never had a crime committed against her by a man so there’s not a problem with male violence.

Women saying they are exhausted by male behaviour, violence and living in the patriarchy hate all men and should wear labels to keep them away from male children.
But there is no risk to children from men and you should be happy for your child to sit in alone in a train carriage at night with a strange man because not all men are criminals.

Right got ya.

The OP asked for alternative views too

What exactly is your 'alternative view'?

That men are not predominately more violent?

That even if they are, some of them aren't, and therefore there is no problem?

That women should not discuss this?

Which one of those is it?

^I'm not womaning right
I'm not parenting right
And I'm not recovering from trauma right?^

Oh give over, no one is saying that.

I’m sorry you are suffering from trauma. One would think it would make you more sympathetic to others suffering with it though.

You’re a female so you’re womaning fine. There is no right way to woman.

You’re obviously parenting fine too as your kids have survived.

Which one of those is it?

Err, none of those. They appear to be yours.

So what is your ‘alternative view’ then?

If it’s not any of those then enlighten us.

Errrr, what is it then?

In some ways I think threads like this are rather useful for women trying to make sense of it all. They are like live action Patriarchy replay in slow-mo

And proof positive that empathy is not a universal female characteristic! It's almost as though gendered souls don't exist. What an heretical thought!

The lack of self awareness in the myriad of QEDs never ceases to amaze me.

And I'm happy to be told that this isn't normal, and I should seek help for this too

But I wonder if other women feel the same, and that this is actually a rational response to the experiences which I've had?

From OP -
Two viewpoints, some want a thread full of validation and yes, they are all crap.
Some respond to the first, no this isn't normal reaction bit - they get pipe down and insults start
OP actively asked for both views

So what's your view?!

Oh give over, no one is saying that

well for a start I'm apparently an irresponsible parent, and a woman that needs to pipe down as I refuse to see every male as an instant threat so must be womanning wrong somewhere

I’m sorry you are suffering from trauma. One would think it would make you more sympathetic to others suffering with it though.

You mean as sympathetic as you were to me in your previous post?

I had a traumatic event committed against me by a scumbag. I attach no more meaning to it than that so no, I can't understand how an event like that would make me scared, wary, behave differently to every member of that class. No I don't understand that.

The OP even uses the act of manspreading to support her claim. Honestly, travel on the tube - members of every possible group of humans spread out of their seat space and into yours - men, women, children - too little space, too many people. Anyone who pretends that this is a phenomenon only, or even predominantly, attributable to men is wilfully committing confirmation bias.

You mean as sympathetic as you were to me in your previous post?

When have I been unsympathetic to you suffering from trauma?
I don’t think you being burgled by a woman is proof that women aren’t allowed to be wary of men, but that doesn’t mean I’m not sorry you were burgled.

so no, I can't understand how an event like that would make me scared, wary, behave differently to every member of that class. No I don't understand that

Same as you, I don't tar everyone as all being a threat and not liking the whole lot of them as a result of some things that have happened in the past - it's the individuals actions.

The dismissive way that you posted about me being burgled by a woman blah blah blah.

Not saying me being burgled is proof that women shouldn't be wary of men.

I don't think like that. Do you think it's rational that I should be wary of all women?

Feelings are rational now?