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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

I've realised that I just don't like men very much...

999 replies

SandAndSnow · 04/02/2019 14:03

And I wanted to talk through it a bit, if that's ok. I hope this is the right place.

I'm sitting on a train next to a terrible man spreader so I'm feeling a bit raged at the moment, but it's also made me realise that I increasingly tend to treat men with caution and, if I'm honest, dislike.

I'm in my early thirties, have been sexually assaulted by 3 different boys/men, had a truly awful experience with a bullying (male) obstetrician, my father is an emotionally and at times physically abusive bully and I've been passed over for promotion in favour of a younger and less well qualified colleague by a male boss. As well as all the regular crap like street harassment, manspreading etc. I'm happily married, and I have a couple of male friends, but I'm generally much more comfortable and happy in the company of other women.

Now, perhaps I've been unlucky, and I need to just get over all of this. I'm entirely happy to be told this! Smile And I'm happy to be told that this isn't normal, and I should seek help for this too.

But I wonder if other women feel the same, and that this is actually a rational response to the experiences which I've had?

OP posts:
Weetabixandshreddies · 07/02/2019 10:53

FloralBunting

The OP asked for alternative views to her own. She actively requested them.

Why post on a thread that asks for different views and then accuse posters who participate of shutting down people who want to talk about their experiences?

Your equally shutting me down by saying that I can't talk about my experiences because they are different to yours.

And I'm a woman, so every time you basically tell me to shut up you are shutting me down.

userschmoozer · 07/02/2019 10:54

Why is it always women who are told they have to change their behaviour and just' get over it'? We've seen it on multiple threads, but I was particularly struck by the thread about women only swimming sessions.

The fact is if you have for example PTSD, or have been raised within a specific culture, you are told you are having wrong thoughts for wanting a women only space and should just get over it, or leave your culture and family behind.
As if only one culture is the correct one and there isn't any space for anyone else.

It comes across as authoritarian.

TallulahWaitingInTheRain · 07/02/2019 10:55

So Weetabix and Glitter

How about if we acknowledge that you don't agree with the OP and that notallwomen etc. Would that mean you would feel able to pipe down and allow those women who want to explore their own negative feelings to do so?

And if not, why not?

Weetabixandshreddies · 07/02/2019 10:55

Calvinsmam

Because saying the majority of violent crime is committed by men gives little indication of level of threat.

Most crime could be committed by 1 very busy man. It could be committed mainly against men.

Most crime committed by men is not most men commit crime. Do you see the difference?

FloralBunting · 07/02/2019 10:56

I literally just posted that you should continue posting Weetabix, so I'm not shutting you down at all. Have at it, show us all the error of our ways. It will be so instructive.

userschmoozer · 07/02/2019 10:57

One burglar means everyone has to lock their house.
Insurance premiums and prison stats suggest its not just one busy man so that analogy really doesnt work, does it?

Calvinsmam · 07/02/2019 10:57

I think that there is a place for discussing our dislike of male behaviour,

This is in the second post by the OP
and has been repeated again and again throughout the thread.
It’s not about the individual men, it’s being exhausted with male behaviour and finding that the patterns in it leave us exhausted and prefer the company of women.

That is it.

No man hating, discussion about because exhausted by the patriarchy and wanting to escape it.

It’s so so unfair that it’s being twisted into hating all men.

There is no way that on the forums where men talk about hating women (and they do hate women and don’t live in a matriarchy) that they would have to defend themselves in this way.

Weetabixandshreddies · 07/02/2019 10:59

Would that mean you would feel able to pipe down and allow those women who want to explore their own negative feelings to do so?

And if not, why not?

Well a) anyone is allowed to post on here as long as they abide by the rules b) given the OP invited views such as mine why do you now get to dictate the tone of the thread c) if that's the type of thread you want maybe start a new one dictating only views supporting yours can be posted?

userschmoozer · 07/02/2019 11:02

Recovery from trauma is a process. It is an active choice you make but you are not in full control of the recovery process.
During recovery, any minor setback can take you several steps back.

So how about you stop merailing. You are not the standard or the default. you are not in the same situation as other people on this thread.

GlitterStick · 07/02/2019 11:02

Why post on a thread that asks for different views and then accuse posters who participate of shutting down people who want to talk about their experiences?Your equally shutting me down by saying that I can't talk about my experiences because they are different to yours.And I'm a woman, so every time you basically tell me to shut up you are shutting me down

Agree

Would that mean you would feel able to pipe down

OMFG pipe down?!
Seriously? Jesus, can you imagine if either of us said that?
You're telling women who don't agree just shurrup and pipe down?

Just... I feel like sticking my tongue out and saying "Shan't!" which is exactly the same reaction to a man or anyone else telling me to keep my opinions to myself if they don't like the sounds of them
Bloody hell

Weetabixandshreddies · 07/02/2019 11:03

One burglar means everyone has to lock their house.
Insurance premiums and prison stats suggest its not just one busy man so that analogy really doesnt work, does it?

It was an example of the limited risk analysis provided by your statement.

And as I posted on here we were burgled by a woman. Stole our car, stole my bank cards and used them all. Burgled an elderly neighbour on the same night. CCTV caught her using my cards. Police caught her driving my car.

So yes, our house insurance and car insurance premiums have gone up. Caused by a woman. How should I now view women? All potential robbers?

userschmoozer · 07/02/2019 11:04

Do you have anything useful to add to the discussion that explains to women less fortunate than you on how to achieve your state of Nirvana? Any practical advice? The name of a good workbook or self help group?

Did you have to actively do anything to get to where you are?

TallulahWaitingInTheRain · 07/02/2019 11:04

The thing is Weet you have given your view, job done. Why keep going? I ask because I am genuinely interested in the answer

Calvinsmam · 07/02/2019 11:04

Most crime committed by men is not most men commit crime. Do you see the difference?

Of course I can see the difference. But even if it was just one busy man (which it clearly isn’t) there’s a lot of violent crimes against women committed and that man doesn’t come with a label.
Not all men commit crime but I can’t tell by looking at a man if he will or not.

Ted Bundy was one busy man, would you have told the young women who started to leave the house in pairs and stopped answering the doors to men to stop being irrational because not all men are murderers?

Male violence against women is all over our society, it’s in all types of media and is relentless when you start noticing it. Most people are desensitised to it but when you open your eyes to it it’s truly shocking and exhausting.

No, not all men. But some men, and you can’t tell which men.

GlitterStick · 07/02/2019 11:04

b) given the OP invited views such as mine why do you now get to dictate the tone of the thread

exactly but you don't half bloody get jumped on if you offer one and then it's waaah stop merailing! Confused

Weetabixandshreddies · 07/02/2019 11:05

In addition, thankfully, this is the only crime (touch wood) that has been committed against me in my life.

So, 100% of the crime committed against me has been committed by women.

Calvinsmam · 07/02/2019 11:07

^In addition, thankfully, this is the only crime (touch wood) that has been committed against me in my life.

So, 100% of the crime committed against me has been committed by women.^

Well whoopdidoo for you.

But that’s not the experience of many many many women, who have experienced repeated male violence and would like to talk about the effect it’s had on their relationship to how they feel about men.

FloralBunting · 07/02/2019 11:11

Do you have anything useful to add to the discussion that explains to women less fortunate than you on how to achieve your state of Nirvana? Any practical advice? The name of a good workbook or self help group?

Did you have to actively do anything to get to where you are?

Yes, I would be so interested in hearing this advice. So far it seems to 'I'm alright jack' mixed with 'stop being so silly/bigoted'. As some posters are so very keen on their right and ability to post on the thread, it would be so, so helpful to hear how they have escaped being as horrible as us women who are wary of men. In the spirit of self improvement.

MsMcWoodle · 07/02/2019 11:11

So the point of all this obfuscation is to move any discussion away from the fact that there is a problem with men or masculinity.
Or is it to say that there is no problem? Everything is dandy?

Weetabixandshreddies · 07/02/2019 11:12

TallulahWaitingInTheRain

Because people respond to my posts or ask me questions. Do I have no right to reply to the criticisms levelled at me or answer the questions?

You also seem to be posting a lot, just to have a go at me, so are you not derailing? What do your posts have to do with the OP?

GlitterStick · 07/02/2019 11:15

Do I have no right to reply to the criticisms levelled at me or answer the questions

No. Pipe down Grin

userschmoozer · 07/02/2019 11:17

All the grinning and lols are really inappropriate for this thread. We realise you don't get there are women who are processing trauma, since you aren't. How about you let them get on with it?

Weetabixandshreddies · 07/02/2019 11:19

The OP actually contains a smiling face!!!!!

Have you told the OP how inappropriate she is?

And I am traumatised, as is my daughter, by being burgled.

Weetabixandshreddies · 07/02/2019 11:20

And it was at night, whilst we slept in the house.

That is traumatic.

MsMcWoodle · 07/02/2019 11:21

So there is no problem with men?

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