Cosmopolitan - Bleeding after anal sex

[ItsAllGoingToBeFine]

""It's not unexpected that [anal sex] would cause bleeding." Does that mean you should never put anything up your butt hole? No! It just means you need to take some extra precautions, like, say, a little thing called a shit-ton of lube"

"It's not a sprint, it's a marathon back there. And you want to make to the finish line without any bleeding or discomfort."

FFS

www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/amp9230630/is-bleeding-after-anal-sex-normal/?__twitter_impression=true

Whether it is anal or vaginal or oral sex isn't really the problem here. it is more about consent. That is all we need to teach our children - that consent is everything. Then they are free to experiment and try new things as they wish, knowing that they have decided themselves what they are happy with.

Advice about types of sex are useful as long as they are offered alongside advice on saying no, communicating with your partner etc. I think many sex advice columns/magazines aimed at teenagers do this quite well.

In order to consent you need to know the risks - these are not properly explained in that article which is normalising risky sex

That is all we need to teach our children - that consent is everything

I actually don't think this is the issue. I think we have got to the stage where girls and young women are being encouraged to 'consent' to sex which causes pain. Which is what that article is pushing really.

I think we are really back to the basics of sex being mutually enjoyable, based and respect and equality. Girls having self respect and self regard and being confident in asserting their own pleasure and preferences. And being self assured enough to say no and to withstand any resulting pressure or emotional manipulation.

It's quite easy to get into a state where you 'consent' to doing something not in your own best interests out of a misplaced concern for another. Especially for girls and women who are far more likely to say they should put other people's feelings before their own than boys are.

This isn’t about discussing- it’s pushing a message that anal is the norm and that if your boyfriend asks for it, you should give it to him unless you’re a prude. There’s enough pressure on girls to have vaginal sex without adding in anal, choking and fisting.

This. It’s grim. Anal and violent sex are normalised for young women now in a way they just weren’t when I was a teen in the 80s and 90s.

not read the whole thread

observations on the article

1. they talk about internal tearing. this increases the likelihood of transmission of std. anal sex is more risky for catching stds than vaginal sex exactly because of the higher liklihood of tears, however small. this is not mentioned in the article
2. despite this, condoms are only mentioned once and in the context that they will add extta lube and maybe make it "easier". no mention of stds. this is highly irresponsible
3. NO MENTION of it's OK if you dont like it, you don't have to do it, how to handle a man who is coercing or pressurising you (they nevr seem to bother with this stuff any more even though for many women this will be the main issue they face with anal sex - they don't want it and their man does)
4. "Nandi added it's not uncommon for people to jump into rough anal sex too quickly and experience tearing or bleeding because they didn't exercise enough precaution." People? Who is not exercising enough precaution? We all know what this little line is really talking about, I think. Who during anal sex is more likely to be gung ho and carry on even if the woman is in pain, I wonder? Hmmmm?

Yes it's totally about normalisation
Obviously some women enjoy anal
However many young women adn girls are beign coerced, and injured
Articles like this MUST focus on consent, that's it's OK to say no, how to deal with a man who just won;t let up, and if you want to do it here is some advice and always use a condom unless you are 100% confident in your partner.

"I also don’t like this line that men pressuring women to do anal is new - it isn’t and I think it’s harmful to perpetuate this ‘didn’t happen in my day’ type attitude. "

I'm 45.

When I was young they pressured for "doggy" and blow jobs.
The behaviour has not changed but the things they want to "try" have got much more advanced, likely to injure the woman, and less likely for the woman to enjoy. Deep throating, anal, choking, slapping etc.

Yes, I'm 45 and have never had a partner or one-night stand even ask for anal sex.

Girls and boys should be made aware that these things that used to be pretty niche and something that people would grow into > so more experienced adults exploring things that interested them and so likely to be safer

They are pretty advanced sex and the idea that these acts are expected in girls first relationships is grim

I had an anal fissure after I had my second child. Oh my fucking god the pain. I’ve never known anything like it, tears streaming down my face and full on sobs whenever I tried to go to the loo. Why the fuck are we telling young girls that’s Ok?

This study is relevant:

Results Anal heterosex often appeared to be painful, risky and coercive, particularly for women. Interviewees frequently cited pornography as the ‘explanation’ for anal sex, yet their accounts revealed a complex context with availability of pornography being only one element. Other key elements included competition between men; the claim that ‘people must like it if they do it’ (made alongside the seemingly contradictory expectation that it will be painful for women); and, crucially, normalisation of coercion and ‘accidental’ penetration. It seemed that men were expected to persuade or coerce reluctant partners.

Conclusions Young people's narratives normalised coercive, painful and unsafe anal heterosex. This study suggests an urgent need for harm reduction efforts targeting anal sex to help encourage discussion about mutuality and consent, reduce risky and painful techniques and challenge views that normalise coercion.

bmjopen.bmj.com/content/4/8/e004996

"How did it all go so terribly wrong and backwards for our daughters? I feel we have failed to empower and educate them- perhaps we took it for granted that they would have the same freedom as us?"

Bab - it's not womens or girls fault!
The porn industry is not driven by women no matter how much they like to claim it is
Women and girls are not the ones who since forever have had checklists that are more important than their partners pleasure or even comfort

Our sexual liberation has been turned against us by men, as they seem to manage to turn most of our gains against us.

I think this may be the article you mean, NeurotrashWarrior

It's a gruesome read:

slate.com/human-interest/2019/01/anal-sex-dislike-advice-how-to-do-it-stoya.amp?__twitter_impression=true

LTB.

Consent is another one that got turned against us

"That is all we need to teach our children - that consent is everything"

Yes BUT men and boys have learned that as long as they can get that magic "OK then", then that is a green light for whatever they want.

The take home message on consent for men and boys is (always was?) use any means necessary to get that yes and then go for it.

Yes that's it time. thanks. This woman is already brainwashed into thinking this is normal, should be normal, and she's the one with the problem.

I have no issue with some people's preference for this.

Kids shouldn't be taught it's normal.

Ltb.

No is a complete sentence.

Who is behind all this. The destruction of our children the normalising of anything goes.

I’ve been looking for somewhere to talk about this. I’m mid 30’s and when I was at secondary school (12-16) I had a friend at a catholic school. Big city school. They preserved their virginity over everything else. Lots of girls at the school thought having anal sex was the way to keep their virginity. Like more than 3 or 4. And I can tell you they definitely could have done with knowing more about it. They could have done with actual sex education too obviously.

I have no idea how or where but I actually was taught that sex includes non penetrative activity. And had a lot of fun with that in my 20s

BoglingtoAswad, my ex recognised few boundaries. Once he’d tried to kill me, I pretty much knew he wasn’t going to develop a deep and wholesome respect for me as an individual.

I’m not saying that women can’t, won’t or shouldn’t enjoy anal that they participate in by choice. But they need to be aware of the risks involved, as well as the potential satisfactions. And the definitely need to know that this is an option not an expectation.

Cross post with iam.

That's awful

Say what? No. I will be telling my dd she does not have to think this is normal.
No

"I also don’t like this line that men pressuring women to do anal is new - it isn’t and I think it’s harmful to perpetuate this ‘didn’t happen in my day’ type attitude. "

I’m mid 40s. There was never any pressure. Tried it once. Didn’t like it, never did it again.

Our young men, and women are accessing porn that we would never have imagined at a much younger age than we ever would. Most parents have no idea what their children are exposed to. Even if parents monitor everything that goes on in the house or on their children’s phones they can’t control what friends show them. What kids see now is a very far cry from giggling over a copy of Penthouse found in a hedge. Boys have a warped idea of what girls want and girls feel they are just there to service the boys.
When I was Young complete removal of pubic hair was something that was for specialist porn magazines only. Now it is common place.

the joy of sex was still around when I was young!

beardy men and hairy women having mutually enjoyable sex

a goal for men used to be to pleasure the woman > that was the sign that you were "good at it" > i mean obviously all teh coercion etc still happened and the checklist stuff but at least it was generally understood that sex was supposed to be enjoyed by all involved

that has gone, really. in so much as it was ever there, it's not there now. the expectation for young people is that extreme acts are expected and the girl won't enjoy them and that's just how it is

articles like the anal sex one in teen vogue that did not mention the clitoris once are also an issue with this
and now we have not just not enjoying it is normal but also bleeding...

When I was Young complete removal of pubic hair was something that was for specialist porn magazines only. Now it is common place.

Yes - I remember when I met dh age 28 it was the first time I worried about this and what he'd think. Luckily we were both born second half of the 70s.

I tried anal once with a short term fling. It was ok but I couldn't see the point. For me or him. I wondered if it was a test actually. I've since had too many issues there due to thyroid related chronic constipation anyhoo.

and the total absence of a focus on condoms is a real worry too

the teen vogue originall didn't mention condoms at all

they updated it to include that obviously after complaints and when they updated it included incorrect info about condoms & lube

these people don;t give a fuck at all

I've never got rid of pubes and never had a complaint

I suppose that is a change

Men used to be grateful. They were so pleased to find a woman who'd have sex with them they weren't worried about that stuff

Last dting I did was 14 years ago

So that is a change?

And I did put it about so it's a large smaple size of grateful men

Only 1 ever tried for anal and that was a non UK chap when I was much younger. None of the others even asked.