Trans Widows Escape Committee 2- The Trans Widows Strike Back..

[TinselAngel]

The previous thread is nearly full, so here is a shiny new one.

I'm thrilled that this took off enough to merit a second thread.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason.

Just catching up on the thread. I’ve found it too draining and have been trying to block everything out but the small reminders bring me back to reality.
Too your story sounds so similar to mine. I am also staying for now and I understand why. For me it’s the dc and because part of me still wants to make things work. My husband is currently going to counselling to try to stop. He also feels disgusted with himself but goes through phases of not being able to think about anything else until he does it. He also describes it like an addiction and when he needs to do it it gets more extreme and he doesn’t seem to care who he hurts. He does have an addicts mindset I think. The counsellor has so far decided that it’s a stress relief (thanks Sherlock) and that he needs to immerse himself in a different hobby . I somehow don’t think that a game of tennis or triathlon training will ‘cure’ him and so far he has made no attempt to actually engage in a different hobby. He’s doing his usual of saying he’s fine until at some point of course he’s not and he’s raiding my fucking wardrobe again. I’m just waiting for that to happen.

CoffeeSonata, I sympathize with Maya F and her situation. I am a college lecturer, and quite sure I would also get fired if I spoke publicly about my ex. I was going to, when he started making some really outrageous claims, but friends talked me out of it. Yes, I'm resentful that he is supported for so "brave" and I am kept mute.

I'm so lucky about where I work. I'm openly GC (although I've never spoken specifically about DH) other people in the office are too. I really couldn't work in a 'woke' environment and go through what I'm going through at home. I appreciate everyone is different but my DH is without doubt an AGP. He doesn't need support and affirmation he needs to stay the fuck away from actual women because he is a creep.
and to all of you who are stuck having to pretend it's okay for the sake of your jobs.

Yes I have double reasons to be muted - my day job in a very woke environment which ironically is all about supporting and empowering women and I'm also a politician at a local level. I have a close FTM trans friend and have discussed this with him - how I feel guilty and "transphobic" by even daring to think ex is AGP and a narc and this is just the latest in a long history of mental illness and the abuse of those close to him 🤐🤐🤐

Hello all
Have been pointed in the direction of this thread and it's nice to hear some stories which resonate with my own. I"m still extremely confused about my ex DH who I'm now divorced from. I think the thing that confuses me most is how he actually saw me and what the marriage meant to him?
Our marriage ended when he found an Asian prostitute who he paid £800 a day for whilst abroad. He admitted that he had got to the stage whereby he was terrified that the only way he could get an erection was to be dressed as a lady which now makes sense why Viagra suddenly rocked up out of the blue (I'd lost interest many, many years ago with our sex life as there was no chemistry and it was unusually gentle, with no eye contact. Dull in the extreme).
Fast forward... the prostitute saw him coming and "accidentally" got pregnant. She suddenly went from living in a room full of bunk beds, to getting him to pay for a nose job for herself (she said she wanted to look like a western woman from Downtown Abbey !), the best private hospital for the birth of the baby (he didn't turn up) and now has pumped up lips, bright pink lippy and still looks like a "lady of the night". The OW doesn't really care what he is as she now has the life she and her family craved. Meanwhile, my ex looks miserable, is out of shape and is clearly an alcoholic.
Several things that he said still confuse me so I'd like your thoughts. One being "I have always wanted to know what it's like to have sex as a woman"... but he says he's not gay, although had started using butt plugs. What's that all about?
Also, he apparently wore all my clothes for 24 years (I had no clue!), used my make up, dressed in my underwear and also bought a wig which was the same colour and length as mine with his stating "I like wigs which are long enough to cover my nipples, which yours does".

WTF did I actually mean to him and how did he see me??? I"m totally scarred but this , three years on. When he left the marriage, I was taunted by the OW for being old, ugly and fat. I'm a size 14.

user questions like that will drive you mad. I try to mentally put all the bad things into a box with DH name on it and package it up as his problem to deal with. I'm working on making me happy now, best thing you can do.

Agree Last. I'd add that when a situation deteriorates to this extent, trying to find out truths may not work. I found it helpful when I got to a point of accepting that I will never know the truth about my marriage/husband/timescale of his 'trans' feelings, as even if he told me new information, I probably wouldn't believe him any more, as he's told so many lies during our divorce. It is in a way quite freeing, as it stops you having to play detective/speculate, however outrageous, abusive and unfair (which is of course all is).

WTF did I actually mean to him and how did he see me?

None of us will ever know the answer to that because it's impossible for them to be honest with themselves about it.

After transition they have to say they always knew they were trans to fit the "born in the wrong body" narrative. Also imagine sacrificing a previously good relationship and family life over this? You'd need to tell yourself you had no choice.

Apologies if this is flippant but WTF can a prostitute do to be worth £800 a day????

Tinsel do you really want to go there? Lol

No you're right. Probably not.

Yes it is, and you are not the first person to point this out.

If you can find the thread on the Stella O Malley documentary it was discussed at some length.

Can I suggest that that is the sort of question which should be raised on one of the other threads, not on a support thread? Also, FWR is not a monolith, not everyone shares the same views, and the women posting on this thread may well not be (in fact almost certainly aren't) the same posters as the ones you appear to want to take issue with.

Oops, cross-post. I see the goady fucker's post has already been dealt with.

I just discovered there was a trans widows thread on the TES forums but in reality it was short lived and full of gaslighting, bar one helpful person who linked all these threads to that op.

I do hope you managed to make your way here and have received the support you needed

I'm here again, feeling lost. Dh and I spoke the other night and now I'm all messed up again. From what he had said previously I thought that he had been crossdressing before he met me and then stopped. I thought it had started up again when our first DC was born and then he told me it stopped not long after 2nd DC was born and then there was this really long break and then it started again fairly recently and stopped once he told me about it. While I haven't been happy about any of this I could kind of get my head around it as it appeared to be something he turned to in times of high stress and had put down for years at a time. His psychologist feels it's sexual compulsion and addiction and so he can choose to stop doing it if he wants to and I am supporting that. He says he doesn't ever want to do it again. In many ways we have been getting on very well, he's been more helpful and understanding and I think a better father too. But, and here it is, he hasn't lied to me but I did misinterpret something he told me so after talking the other night I now know that he wasn't crossdressing when we met but started up again shortly after we moved in together and then continued right through us getting engaged and married, buying a house and talking about having a family. He was doing it for 11 years without me knowing! Part of me feels that I should feel nothing has changed, he's still a crossdresser that wants to stop, he's psychologist still thinks he can but most of me is broken. How could he have not told me before? So many, many, opportunities for him to seek help sooner or give me full disclosure so I could make my own choices. Every memory feels tainted. My wedding dress was a style he likes, was he thinking about it when we got married?? I don't understand how if this is connected to stress he could have been doing it all that time, I thought we were happy. I used to work away quite often pre DC and now I wonder about every fucking time I left him alone.

Sorry for the long one, I just needed to get it all out.

I can understand your feelings.

If you weren't shown the truth then, how can you be sure of it now? Is how I'd feel.

So he's always done it Too. I'm not surprised. They tend to give you the minimum amount of information that they can get away with. Your husband was quite happy for you to "misunderstand" if it helped to get him off the hook, I should imagine.

I wonder how experienced this psychologist is in treating cross dressers? It sounds like s/he's crow barring your husband's issues into the theories s/he's used to dealing with. Particularly sex addiction- unless he's been shagging other people, or there's stuff to do with your mutual sex life that you very understandably don't want to discuss here.

I couldn't live with the lies, the omissions, and the drip drip of information. It took 13 years for my ex to tell me he'd "always considered himself bisexual". And then only because I saw he'd announced it on Twitter.

The anxiety caused by the breakdown of trust is corrosive.

I'm sorry but I'd put money on there being more that you don't know.

Maybe at the moment he genuinely believes he can stop? It's whether you believe it though, that is key. And even if he did stop, can you trust him going forward?

Apologies if my advice seems harsh.

Thank you tinsel your advice isn't harsh, it's just as you see it and I prefer advice to be delivered like that. Dh was actually the one that bought it up so I don't think he was hiding it from me. It's difficult to explain without going through the whole lengthy conversation but I am sure that it was my error, I put 2 and 2 together and got 5. It just feels so much bigger than it was, and it was pretty much all encompassing before. As you say, even if he is sure he can stop, can I trust him? Even if it is addiction people frequently relaspe. I don't know, will keep going for now I suppose, my deadline is still March.

And as for sex addiction diagnosis, I think they mean it in much the same way people men get addicted to porn. It's a sexual thing but doesn't necessarily involve cheating. Dh is adamant he hasn't been with anyone else and our sex life is pretty vanilla, 3 young DC's will do that to any relationship!

So a wanking thing? I'm still struggling to see how it's a sex addiction, sorry

Sounds like they think it's an erotic fetish. So he gets off on it just as someone would get off on feet/shoes/old people/fat people. If that is credible to you, you have to decide if you can tolerate it. He may try to stop doing it but it will always attract him (like non-offending paedophiles who are attracted to kids but don't act on it or view porn). (obviously I'm not equating the two). And of course where the line is between getting aroused by cross dressing and AGP which morphs conveniently into being 'trans'... Well some of us don't see much difference. This all comes down to what you can bear it seems to me, not the murky world of alternative diagnoses (all very grey and woolly).

Unfortunately I would tend to agree with the advice from Tinsel and Neuro and social - in particular about him telling you just enough and about trust. My ex was truly a gaslighting master of rewriting history to suit his current narrative. He was also interested in what I would consider pretty extreme porn (I found this out later) and I do think that's where the AGP came from. Maybe my ex was sex-addicted, as well as everything else...he did push very hard for a 'polyamorous' relationship (ugh) but when he started to go public with transitioning, that aspect/obsession faded away a bit. So maybe they were linked somehow, but different outlets for those feelings/desires? Or maybe he was a selfish arse. I don't know but I am - years later - much happier not to be dealing with any of that drama anymore!

And regardless of any 'diagnosis' it's the behaviour that's important and knowing what you are and aren't willing to accept. Sending you and strength, Too, and others still in the thick of it.

Nuro -that comment on TES really annoyed me! "the same on the inside, not a personality transplant" well, trust me, that's not true. Because since telling me, and although not showing any changes, he is happier and easier to live with. Still bone idle, completely wrapped up in himself, not seeing the bigger picture, but not as irritable grumpy and shouty. Just easier to live with, may be more like the person I met and married in one way, but with these changes looming, and I am sick to death of being in limbo. Something has happened that had made me think "i need to find my own happy", but it's so hard to let someone go who you do love, and have lived with, and there is no visible signs of change and are actually easier to live with than they have been for sometime.

Hi Tinsel and all
Very recently applied for a Divorce online.
House sale is underway.
Recently found out that he changed his name within a couple of weeks of moving out!.
He's told our adult children.
Think they are still reeling from it at the moment, not sure what to think. But not happy with the 'new name'.
Best wishes to all