Trans Widows Escape Committee 2- The Trans Widows Strike Back..

[TinselAngel]

The previous thread is nearly full, so here is a shiny new one.

I'm thrilled that this took off enough to merit a second thread.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason.

And don't worry Too, I think it's a fair question.

It's the cross dressing itself that the counselor thinks he's addicted to so what started as something small (I have no idea how it started as I don't really want to know) may be just wearing some underwear, became wearing more complex underwear, then clothes, then a wig and shoes, then going outside. He gets the same 'high' dressing up that some people get from porn/gambling/alcohol. So over time he has to do more to achieve that same 'thrill'. He asked me to join in because having 'lesbian' sex would be how he would get his next 'hit'. He also feels a lot of guilt and shame about his behaviour and overall it doesn't make him happy and I think he would like to stop. He has stopped in the past for long periods. He isn't currently doing it but admits he is thinking about it. He says he doesn't know how he feels about it now that I know. He has a compulsion to do it but knows he'll feel disgusting afterwards. He thinks that partly it's die to it being something he's done when very stressed and he's feeling that now as he picks his life apart.

He does seem to have some sex addiction traits but I have no frame of reference for this situation. Even if this is all true then we have such a long way to go before he is 'cured' and I think a lot of addicts relapse at some point and I don't think I can cope with that. I want to stay and at least attempt to rebuild our marriage if that's at all possible but I don't want to be a fool and look back in 5 years and wish I'd left now.

Too , just read your text . My heart goes out to you . All I can say is from my own personal experience. Be very , very wary when he says he doesn't want to become a "woman " . I believed & hoped like you but the inevitable still happened . Also the thing is I found counsellors can some times think they are on the right track & quite frankly they aren't . Please do not waste as much of your life as I did . Stay strong do what your gut tells you . I only wish I had .

Too, I feel for you - what a difficult dilemma.
But I would strongly warn against taking a counsellor's 'diagnosis'. Counselling is a professional and skilled approach, but in no way qualified to diagnose in that way. You might benefit from a psychiatrist or GID clinic referral from the GP, to nail down what is going on. I would not go with a generic counsellor's view on something of this complexity (assuming that's who he is seeing).
Also, I'm not too convinced by the escalating nature of this as an addiction; absolutely there are men, mainly very well-hidden, who occasionally dress up to relieve tension. But the escalating nature of this seems very different - hence if I were in your shoes I would want a much clearer professional view.
If you then go with an addiction outcome, you need to consider whether you want to stay with someone with an addiction; you are absolutely right about the process of relapse/recovery. It's particularly hard as this would be unusual, so not as well-supported as something like alcoholism where there is lots of help for the person and their family.
I think you can hear my sceptical tone.
You might also want to set yourself a deadline for progress/agreement/resolution, so that you don't feel this drifts and as you say, eats up years of your life.

I'm concerned that him having mentioned a sex addiction Too, might be an indirect way of telling you he's been unfaithful.

I think your theory about how all this can come about has some merit BTW.

And I agree with social about the Counsellor.

I take your points. I'm just confused!

Social although I have said counselor, the person dh is seeing is actually a Sexual and Relationship Psychotherapist. I'm not entirely sure what the difference is but they have an awful lot of qualifications.

Too , a string of letters after some one's name , does not always mean they are the right counsellor for dh .My concern for you, is your health & well being , whilst dh may or may not be seeing the right professional . It's so hard but at least with this thread you know you are not alone .

Hi. Sorry, I didn't mean you Tears should get bogged-down in who is helping your husband. I'd still be looking for medical rather than therapy qualifications but I'll stop derailing this.... I guess the main point is whether you want to stick with this now (sounds like you do, and you still have hope that it will be worth it and work out for you as a couple). If so, you need to steel yourself for living through someone getting help, and making changes, all the while accepting that it may not 'work' and there are no guarantees.
Knowing when to bail out is enormously personal; I was very very rapid in my decision and divorce, as that worked for me. I needed certainty and had a strong gut feeling I could not stay any longer.
Going into this with open eyes is a good start, plus holding onto YOU and the life YOU want and need, and your limits and boundaries. We're all with you.

Thank you social. I decided within a couple of days of finding out that I would stay in the marriage for the next 12 months. We have 3dc and for various reasons I don't want any upheaval for a while. I was just sitting back and quietly making the preparation to leave then but this has thrown me. I'm sure you all understand that if you had been given a chance to improve things you would have taken it. I suppose I'll support him as best I can throughout the year and then see where we are. Even if it is addiction living with an addict won't be much fun.

My ex is a closeted AGP who presents as hyper masculine. He has no interest in changing sex or being a woman. He says he has a sex addiction but IMO its his AGP.
What happens is he has sex with, either in a new way or with a new person, and the reality doesn't match the fantasy in his head, so he compulsively keeps searching for the 'right' way to dress or act, or the 'right' women. He feels that when he gets it right, the sex will be as good as his fantasy.
He can't accept its the fantasy thats the problem, it prevents him engaging with reality.

Of course Too. My understanding is that this thread is for women unhappy in these relationships, wherever they are at.

Yes, Too do keep checking in.

I was completely committed to my marriage and loved my ex very much so I stayed until all hope was exhausted. You'll get no judgement here for doing the same.

Too & Social & Tinsel Angel . Apologies if I'm not wording things right . Not quite getting my pension . So a bit prehistoric . Like Tinsel Angel I loved my ex dh . We had.been married 39 years when we parted. What I think I want to say is , had I been better informed maybe we would have parted sooner . But you can't change the past . Yes I am a trans widow but as he is still alive my income dropped & tho I still live in the family home paying all the bills . I live with the fear that he will want his money out of the house for all the up coming surgery . My children left home 16 years ago , so you see tho I kept hoping it was all a bad dream , maybe just maybe I hoped too long . But I am so glad to finally be able to have a voice & not be told I'm lying etc .

Yes Tgiana I think we'd all make different decisions if we knew then what we know now- which is why it is good that Too found the thread so at least she is forewarned.

Too, my ex insisted we go see a couple counselors who specialized in "transgender issues." This resulted in very one-sided counseling and was actively harmful, worse than useless. If you can, please consider getting a counselor of your own.

When our 7 year old daughter refused to see him for a year - he scoured the country looking for a trans community recommended mediation service hours away from where we live who would tell me and our daughter what to think and do. We were expected to travel there for this and pay for it. We refused of course. Before we split up he arranged a couples counsellor for us who kept saying how brave he was. Very damaging. They will always find the people to validate their AGP.

And that's just bad counselling. It's meant to be non-judgemental, exploratory, supportive, so practitioners doing that are just not good at their jobs. I find the peer support of this thread super-helpful, as it shows I'm not mad/alone/a terrible person. Our kids have zero access to anything like that apart from online where you will find a few young people telling their experiences of NOT liking/accepting their trans parent. I think the isolation is one of the worst parts for my kids; they assume everyone else would be happy/accepting, and it is their fault they don't feel that way. Hence they don't tell anyone/many people what happened to them. When I pointed out that about half of families break down when someone transitions (I assume that is still correct - does anyone know?), they were visibly relieved. I wish there was somewhere they could take their negative feelings and not be judged transphobic. With one of mine we tackled the ensuing anxiety she felt, and managed to sectionl it off with a very skilled CBT therapist, who kept the 'Dad' stuff entirely protected/separate, but helped her cope with life better generally. It may be a case of tackling it bit-by-bit. The therapist reckoned my kids may decide to seek more counselling/psychotherapy help later in life, around their feelings of betrayal, guilt, shame and rejection by their father. IT's basically a nightmare, and very lonely for them. At least I have more than one so they went through it - and opted to cut off contact with him - together which I think helps.

Quinn I am seeing my own counselor, separate from dh, although we may do some couple counseling in the future. Dh is still determined that he wants to stop and next week will be learning some coping strategies. I agree with social, good counselors are there to help you explore what you want not push you down a route of their choosing.

I feel so much for those of you with children. At the moment the only people that know about this are me, dh, the counselors, you and 1 of my very good friends. I can't imagine how I would explain this to the children and what it would be like for them. Will cross that bridge when I come to it I suppose.

Just want to say hello and I think I've found my people. I'm not going to bore anyone with the details the short version is I'm a bit trapped at the minute but planning to leave and take both kids. DH has a 'female side' (this is encouraged by online 'friends') It's destroyed my life and that of our children. He's not 'brave and stunning' he's a creep and the 'female side' is just bloody offensive to anybody who is actually female, myself included. I can't talk about it to anyone in real life. Thanks for this thread I now feel a lot less alone.

Last

I now feel a lot less alone.

I'm glad you found us Last. This is one of the main purposes of these threads.

Welcome Last. 'Creepy' is the word my kids use now to describe their father. And last time I saw him, his take on womanhood was offensive as you describe. You are certainly not alone. Good luck with your plan.

Last How good is it to hear similar stories! There seems to be so few of us, it's such a relief. You don't have to over/under explain everything. It's liberating.
Mine is happy at the moment, which I'm sure means plans are creeping ahead, I'm just going day by day and concentrating on looking after myself and my kids.
I have an appointment with a psychologist in a couple of weeks, I'm looking forward to it.
Cheers
Ebb

Just wondering if anyone has seen/is interested in this (you probably have) medium.com/@MForstater/i-lost-my-job-for-speaking-up-about-womens-rights-2af2186ae84 . She has a campaign for covering legal costs.
Last and Ebb, I'm sorry you are stuck. I'm also in a similar situation.
Glad for this thread and not being alone.