Trans Widows Escape Committee 2- The Trans Widows Strike Back..

[TinselAngel]

The previous thread is nearly full, so here is a shiny new one.

I'm thrilled that this took off enough to merit a second thread.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason.

Lurker here

This thread is for a very specific purpose

If you are not a trans widow, you probably shouldn’t be posting on it

**

^This

Trans Widows

Thank you for sharing your stories. I really don't have the words to express my support of you. Before reading these threads I thought of you but had no idea how you felt. Thank you for providing enlightenment and giving a way to 'put myself in your shoes' for better clarity.

WhyNotMe40

I'd be happy to provide some emotional support - I agree your situation is very important and deserves its own thread.

Wow, thanks for the link, this is the writer I wish I had read when my husband decided to get on this "crazy train"...

sillyolme.wordpress.com/advice-for-wivesgirlfriends-of-autogynephiles/

Yes it's great, thanks for sharing it.
My evening has been derailed by bumping into my ex (whom I last saw about a year ago). He was quite literally sashaying down the street, handbag blazing, made up to the nines. I was in knackered working parent mode. We don't speak, and I manage not to say a word so that he can't use anything I blurt to aid his victim status. I just look at him. But I found it really upsetting and felt so powerless. He was so confident and brazen and shameless. Struggling not to let it ruin my day. Does it ever get better? Until today I was reaching a good zen place where I just see him as the inadequate human being/parent he is, and now feel rather 'back there'...

Would it make you feel any better to think of the amount of effort it took him to look like that,when you have to make no effort whatsoever to look like a woman?

I remember saying to a friend that if anybody who knew me saw my daughter with her Dad now they'd think I must have been the less glamorous one in a lesbian couple. My friend just pissed herself laughing and said there's no way that's what people would think.

Now I just feel amused at how over dressed he always is.

Hi Social, sorry you had a bit of a downer yesterday.

Just remember what all the sashaying and made-up-to-the-nines behaviour is about. It's a desperate bid for validation from strangers on the street, a painted on mask trying to hide the reality that he can't face, that their whole existence is a sham. He will never have the thing he most craves, he will never be a real woman.

You, on the other hand, are a real, authentic woman and loving mother. You are doing the right thing for your DC and you can be sure they will remember that. You have the things that matter in life and he will only find loneliness and rejection in his fake, selfish existence.

to you and chin up! Onwards and upwards

Oh you guys are just wonderful. I know, I know... I realised that he must spend SO much time on grooming, mirror-gazing etc. Plus I was heading home to friends and kids and he may well have been off to his giant empty new build to try on clothes. I look like I do. because I'm a real person not a teenage girl carrying her handbag in that funny flexed arm way... Thank you for replying. Sometimes I lose ground on the progress I've made....

DD has just been telling me about how her Dad's bedroom is like a nail varnish shop. He has special display shelves for them.

WifeOfTirisias, yes, that's exactly it. Living a sham and expecting validation from total strangers. And then acting like this insane person when they don't get it:

Social , it is just as Tinsel says , think of the time your ex takes & yet still looks like he does . I used to get upset by all the paraphenalia. But now I don't have to see it any more , it makes me laugh at the memory of bits of foam rubber , my ex used to give him what he believed was a realistic woman's bottom. Stay strong all of you. I can only say I am so thankful for this thread as 40 years without friends has been hard .

I don't really know what I want to say. I suppose I want someone to know that I'm still here. I started a thread about mid March about finding out that dh of 20 years is a crossdresser and was kindly directed to this thread.

Dh has started having counseling. I think it would be unfair to say more than this, he has a lot of stuff from his childhood to work through. He's finding it helpful and we're talking a lot. In many ways he is being the best dh and father he has ever been. He does seem to be getting more mentally stable. He is absolutely convinced that with help he can quit the CD for good. He says he has only ever had 3 episodes, all at difficult points in his life, and the first didn't occur until he was 20. I so desperately want to believe him but I know it's not true.

I'm seeing a counselor myself this week. Part of me can't see the point. I know what needs to happen. I need to continue planning for our separation and grieve our relationship. I'm worried that the counselor will try and suggest some sort of 'compromise' but I am standing firm that there isn't one to be had. I feel sad for my dh, sad for our DC and sad for me.

Hi Toomanytears, I'm so glad you came back to the thread. I've been wondering how you were.

You are in a tragic situation but I'm so pleased that you are staying clear about your boundaries. There will be grief. That why we're trans widows.

Whatever choices you make, at least they will be informed choices

Do know that you are not alone.

TooManyTears agree, it's terribly sad. Whichever way these situations go, they reflect life not going as you had hoped or planned. Counselling will give you a chance to think through your position, and whether you hold the line, or decide to compromise, you will know you've given your position careful consideration. Whatever happens in your family is loss on a huge scale; I'm sure many on this thread feel so much for you and are with you as you go through this. Many of us have done it and it is life-shattering. But remember your strength as a woman and a mother; you will survive this however terrible it is right now. Sorry if that sounds trite, but it's true. Stay calm and hold the line on what you need and want

Hi
I just wanted to thank you all for being here. I have been feeling ever so isolated because I can only ever find the happy ' Oh our relationship is deeper than ever' articles and forums. I just don't feel that way.
My partner is currently in the middle of a crisis and I feel pulled in every direction. We have 2 children, 10 and 13 that I am trying to stay strong for but I feel like all my waking hours have been devoted to this mess and how I can get through it. Doesn't leave much headspace for them.
We went through all this 10 years ago when I was pregnant with no.2. He left to transition, didn't, and spent 5 years being such a perfect ex and Dad that we got back together. He has said so many times how glad he was that he didn't transition and how we wouldn't have our lovely life. Now 10 years with no signs of anything and BANG here I am again.
The kids didn't know last time but now I feel so guilty that I have put them in this position (they don't know yet).
I could scream.
I have to say he isn't mean or arrogant like some of your ex's but there is still the lying and sneaking around that turns me into a nutbag, constantly on alert and snooping and checking. I HATE feeling like this.
He is having therapy to see if there is any middle ground he can live with but I know enough to know it's a matter of when, not if.
I hate being in his closet.
Thank you again for providing a place to be able to share these feelings. xxxxxxx
Ps: mine is autistic and in IT too!!

Hi Ebb. I remember it being all consuming when I was in your position, like you say.

You shouldn't feel guilty. It is not you putting the kids in this position, it is him. From what you say, he is clearly quite skilled at reeling you back in/ keeping you on board.

I thought my ex was having counselling to try and find a third way, when he was under the GIC, but that wasn't really the case. I think it was more about how he could become his brave and stunning authentic self.

You can actually be quite optimistic about the future- you know that you can manage on your own because you've done it before. And being on your own with older kids will be much easier than being on your own with two babies.

Imagine being free of the constant anxiety over what he is doing? Not being able to trust your partner is very corrosive to your mental and physical health in my experience.

Do make sure that you are looking after yourself during all this

Has anyone had an affair because of the lack of sex life? or actively gone and sort physical comfort else where to get them through the bad times?

OK, I'm signing out now and back on to my normal MN profile. If you have any questions just post them here and I'll attend to them asap.

I think it would be better if detailed discussions about a potential book, took place off this board.

Sorry I didn't mean that to sound like I'm not grateful for your advice, Alice, I am!

Sorry, I've reported the two posts above for deletion and will post something shorter and less detailed shortly. Have a lovely sunny day!

Ebb I'm so sorry to hear you find yourself back in this nightmare. It must be devastating and so disappointing. My ex had counselling but I have little doubt that it didn't challenge or question, rather validated and empowered. Many counsellors and therapists are unable to challenge particularly in the current climate, and while he may use it to question himself, if the outcome is a middle ground, or another backtrack, you may end up worse off, and always worrying/checking into the future. I guess it's about trust. Rather like those who forgive after an affair, you may have to have great faith in a repeat fresh start. You might want to use this time to consider what you would tolerate, and what you want, while you are waiting. I remember the waiting while my ex had counselling to finally decide, as a time of feeling terribly powerless. Hang on in there.

Thanks for your support.
TinselAngel part of me does feel jaded and tired. I'd love to get the kids through school before everything hits the fan. I can't afford our house on my wage. I have a wonderful job but would have to give it up to make more money. I have more to lose this time.

Socialworker, I think the middle ground would be awful. Sneaking around the kids and flitting off to 'girls nights'. I don't know if I could stand it.

Iworkmiracles I have been taking a lot more interest in men around me lately but that would just add to the mess. I think if you want an affair you need to start fresh.

How do you all look after yourselves? How do you get past that powerlessness to stop it corroding your health? I have anxiety and this situation is nor helping that at all. I'm not sure how to help myself though.

Actually I thought the other day how much I'd like to have sex with another man. I don't think it's because I'm ready to leave and it would complicate things even more. Ironically, I'm not sure dh would forgive me and that would be the end of our marriage that I'm desperately trying to keep together for next 11 months. I think it's purely about escapism from this miserable situation.

Thank you all so much for your support and advice. It does stop me feeling quite so alone. I went out with friends the other night and they asked how things were and all I could say was 'fine, looking forward to summer holiday' etc etc but really I just wanted to shout that things have never been so fucked up and I need their support. One day I will tell them but not just yet.