Trans Widows Escape Committee 2- The Trans Widows Strike Back..

[TinselAngel]

The previous thread is nearly full, so here is a shiny new one.

I'm thrilled that this took off enough to merit a second thread.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason.

Ways I looked after myself... here goes, sorry it's long-winded:

1. talk to and meet up with friends and family, offload, vent, discuss; use them as much as you can. I even used the odd helpline just to have someone to talk to when I was distressed and didn't want to burden anyone;
2. prioritize; you won't be able to manage everything while you're going through what is a major life crisis. I honed in on practical things, planning, looking after the kids, my job, and put aside activities and concerns that would take up energy I didn't have to spare; stuff can wait till a calmer time;
3. look after your basic health (especially SLEEP); see the GP if you need to;
4. get a counsellor therapist. This was one of the most important and helpful things for me;
5. try to draw a mental line between what is your concern, and what you can control (the type of things above), and what is his stuff, and for him to sort out. You can't do it all and it isn't your responsibility. Make him take responsibility for the bits that are his;
6. Plan - it helped me (as an anxious kind of person) to think through, sometimes by writing it down, what my options were, and what I would need to consider/do if I stayed/left. In fact generally I found writing very useful; I kept a log of what went on, particularly regarding the kids, which felt empowering; you could write up how it would be if you bided your time until the kids left home, what rules you would need to live together, how you would cope;
7. Look at your finances; think about what you might need if you did go it alone; I also suggest opening a pay-book-only building society account and starting to skim small amounts of money into it (cashback at the supermarket etc.). This helped me to feel I had some control, and to be less scared. But I'm of course a terrible person!! I would also go and see a solicitor for a one-off chat about your options and the likely scenario you face. I found doing things like that quite empowering;
8. Read, share; I read a lot of stuff online about trans, and of course groups like this are completely invaluable, so stay connected; there are lots of great books and websites on anxiety too (I started a notebook of my worries, writing them out in full catastrophic glory; it gave me an enlightening and at times amusing log of the crazy worries I had, particularly looking back with hindsight and learning that most of them never happened);
9. Conversely, limit your exposure to things that are distressing and sensitive. It won't be for ever, but if you can't face that newspaper article about a trans celebrity, don't read it;
10. Consider your own life separate from him. What do you want to do generally? Where do you want to go, what people do you want to catch up with, how do you want to spend your free time? It helped me notice that my marriage was only one part of my wider life; I wish I could buy you a drink and let you bend my ear...

Sorry that great ramble was for Ebb

It wasn't a ramble but it was great. Thank you so much. Really good advice from someone who gets it.

I'd love to be able to catch up with you all but that would involve a very long flight because I am on the other side of the planet I'm afraid!

My adult children obviously knew what was going on in our house. Not the cross dressing though but they did know about the affairs and as my son calls it mindfucking, which he was a genius at. At the time we, my children and I were having a very difficult time. Both my son and daughter had considered suicide because of his actions.

We were all trying to support each other, be open and honest about how it was affecting us,. after the cross dressing nonsense came out. I thought talking and openness was the right way to go but I got told of by one of the GPs, she said it was inappropriate and wrong of me to share my feelings with my kids. I would like to strongly point out that my kids at the time were 24 and 23. I have 2 others who are much younger and although they saw the carnage caused by his infidelities, we didn't talk until much later about his new persona.

I was so surprised when the GP told me I should be internalizing and not burdening my kids although, at that time, we were all living in our own very private hell. I still cant fully understand the GPs attitude. I think we were brought closer by being able to vent to each other, apart we were puddles, together are an ocean, well maybe more of a lake. My children and I have always had a very strong bond and now it's even stronger.

It's funny how when he finally left the house it was like a huge, life sucking presence lifted......we could finally breathe without the fear of unprovoked outbursts.

The next time I saw him was our eldest daughters wedding which he managed to marr in his own very special and gobsmacking way. I found myself reduced back to the person I was previously, if not worse. I've finally clawed my way back. It doesn't help with his numerous TV appearances but I'm getting there.

People on here talk about his loneliness, his empty life, what I see is my empty life and the isolation our situations can cause us! He has filled his days with his new LGBtT friends and supporters, not forgetting his holidays, 6 in one year alone. He's even on the board of trustees for the Rainbow Project. Meanwhile, I and my children have, in some weird way,, become ostracized. I was called a liar, when I told people the truth, a vicious vindictive bitch (by him), because I insisted he get checked out at the sexual health clinic and he has portrayed me to others as such.

This group was the first to open my eyes to the fact I'm not alone, I'm not the one with this problem.

But now as Social said about bumping into her ex and the effect it has, I'm not sure i know how to deal with my latest situation, I havent seen him in person in 3 years 'and now I'm about to have it foisted upon me in court. I'm about to be that less attractive lesbian lol. Can I ask not to be in the same courtroom, what are my rights, do I have any without appearing trans/homophobic?

I just want all this nonsense over and done with, even if it means walking away with nothing.

It's funny, I never considered myself as an abused woman but now that I'm on the other side of hell I can see the psychological and emotional damage he caused. Bruises are visible, thought provoking and usually the sufferer receives empathy but usually our Hell is invisible..

What I've realised is that our silence, our suffering feeds their flames, it allows them to build their very twisted, Walter Mitty existences. As I said before apart we are puddles, together we are a lake but if we went public we can be our own ocean! This is a world wide phenomena. I read somewhere that 1 in 10 men cross dress.

Candanita 1

I'm not much good at the praying thing but you have mine. You and all the other transwidows are such wonderful women.

I think we are all just victims of circumstance. Joisanofthedales thank you.

Can I ask not to be in the same courtroom, what are my rights, do I have any without appearing trans/homophobic?

Have a good look at a coercive control based argument for a court appointment.
rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/violence-against-women-and-international-law/coercive-control-and-the-law/

I think you might be able to make a case based on being able to present a case that you were a victim of coercive control (particularly prior to 2015) and from the look of the section entitled 'Protection from the Family Court: domestic violence injunctions' and what its says about not having to report coercive control to the police in order to build a case in the family courts on these grounds.

I'm sure that you can work through the list on the link above and come up with a plan to discuss this, on those terms with your solicitor.

That removes all the trans / homophobic stuff because you can be the victim of coercive control regardless of how your ex partner identifies. The argument would be on the basis of the case you can make to say how it has psychologically damaged you and how you have been manipulated.

I hope that helps, but from what you've said and the look of what it says on that link, I think you've a good chance of building a credible argument on those grounds.

Your ex will go nuts over this approach I'm sure, but at the same time, that in itself might well illustrate your concerns and point.

Good luck.

Red thank you that's amazing.

Cadanita1 focus on behaviour. It's all about behaviour and nothing about identity.

It's how I've kept sane with my own situation.

Would the same behaviour be acceptable if they identified differently? If the answer is no, that is all you need to know.

And that's what you stress.

The identity is far too often just a cloak for behaviour that otherwise would not be tolerated. It's a mask or veneer.

Family courts more than most, will understand that the person in the home when the doors are closed can be very different to the person who puts on a front to the rest of the world.

Self identity and behaviour in a domestic setting is very different to how people present in other circumstances. When I talk about self identity, I don't necessarily mean trans. It can equally apply to the sexist man who expects his wife to be his scivvy and knows her place at home and then is the height of respectability and the most woke dude at work and identifies as this progressive liberal. (I'm thinking of Russel Brand as an example in the public sphere to illustrate my point)

So focus on what someone does and demostrates rather than what they say they are and how they try to present themselves.

I think DD could do with some counselling, but I've no idea how to go about getting her a counsellor that won't pressure her to be more wholehearted in her support for her Dad's stunning and brave journey.

She says she could hardly bear to look at him last weekend as the skirt he was wearing was so short

Could you may be see one a few times yourself to get a feel for them and then DD could go?

I saw a counselor yesterday for the first time and I have to say she was fabulous. I was very worried she was going to tell me how wonderful it all is and how much better our relationship can be now. She was totally about me though and how I didn't have to put up with anything I didn't want to. I knee that anyway, but it felt good to hear bit said by a professional. She also thinks the dh may actually be suffering with sex addiction in which case he can be 'cured'. Will have to see how dh progresses with his counselor. I'm not holding my breath just yet. Dh's counselor is also very much about what is right for him and is in no way pushing the stunning and brave agenda just leaving all options open while they talk.

Sorry, pressed post too soon. We found our counselors through relate. They are expensive but right for us. I don't know how old your DD is. I expect nhs ones are more likely to follow stunning narrative.

How old is your DD TinselAngel ?
My main worry is the impact on my children.

The whole thing is sad for everyone involved.

She's a teenager, but she was primary school age when I left her Dad.

NHS GP here, not a trans widow but just a warning that there is no such thing as objective counselling. All counsellors will have an opinion on this and in some way that will affect the way they listen, the sort of comments they make and any advice given.
Even counsellors who are good at their job and do the listen and reflect counselling rather than take over the consultation and behave more like an agony aunt will feed back what you have said in different ways depending on how they see the situation.

Out of interest, what is peoples level of understanding of the whole trans / binary / non binary / gender fluid / Cisgender / genderless / genderqueer? Because it's a massive area, and whilst I don't defend the behaviour of some peoples partners, I do wonder what people's knowledge of the whole gender issue is.
One of the things I have learned is that Cross dressing & someone who transitions aren't related. Just because they cross dress,. doesn't mean they are trans, and many people who transition have never cross dressed. However, they may have dreams where they are a woman, from a very young age, they may have a whole load of other issues in their lives that they have never been able to understand. That they feel that they are wearing or have been wearing a mask. I think it's very important that we as transwidows have a better understanding of the complex world of gender and social expectations, . and this comes through us having support. If we can understand where they are coming from, we are in a much better position to say and show our side of things. Some people on hormones actually start fancying the opposite sex to the gender they identify with. For example. MTF who wasn't gay, may start liking men.
I want my husband out, I see it as setting him free to be who he feels that he is, but also that this will set me free to be the person and have the things in life that I need and want.
I would recommend everyone to find out more. If people want to know more, I can recommend an organisation, but I don't want to be identifiable on here, so please PM me.

I also swallowed a lot of that propaganda while I was still in the marriage. I find a strong course of Sheila Jeffreys or Rebecca Riley Wood enables one to achieve much greater clarity on the issues.

It is not a lack of education in this matter that causes me to put women first and encourage them to prioritise themselves and their children rather than facilitate the man concerned . Quite the contrary.

Rebecca Reilley-Cooper.

Don’t mean to butt in but tinsel right.

No need to centre the guy it’s about the widows here and the children

Please don't recommend an organization here. I'm up to my gills in organizations that centre my ex and support them on their brave and stunning journey. This space is not for that.

I'm guessing this organisation is run by cross dressers, not women.

If we can understand where they are coming from, we are in a much better position to say and show our side of things. Some people on hormones actually start fancying the opposite sex to the gender they identify with. For example. MTF who wasn't gay, may start liking men.

Iworkmiricles This article by Hacsi Horseth may be helpful:
(extract)
"I don’t believe GD reflects any kind of problem or glitch in the human body. Here’s what I suggest, in broad strokes, is going on with adolescents and adults:

Heterosexual males (the vast majority of men with GD) have autogynephilia.
Homosexual males with GD enjoy “femininity” and mistakenly believe this means they are “trans” or even women.
Females with GD have internalized misogyny and/or internalized homophobia.
In my opinion—which is based upon extensive research, as well as my own 13-year-long experience in pretending to be a woman–GD is only superficially concerned with one’s sex. It’s more a disturbance of identity, of mistaking the signifier for the signified. " (continues)
4thwavenow.com/tag/hacsi-horvath/

You may find that Miranda Yardley's articles about autogynaephilia offer more credible insights / explanations than 'hormones' for what might be portrayed by others as a change in sexual attraction.

mirandayardley.com/en/a-history-of-autogynephilia/

mirandayardley.com/en/cross-dressing-all-the-way-to-the-top-where-all-the-transvestites-have-gone/

Great article from Miranda, who doesn't have a female partner.

Abusive men who use coercive control don't need understanding from their victims, and people who make that demand are just perpetuating the abuse.

I don't care how my ex identifies or why, thats his business.
He had no right to identify as a heterosexual man who wanted children and get involved with me using false pretenses, or to wriggle out of paying child support.

I only lurk here (not a trans widow) but I agree with Tinsel and brown.

This thread isn’t about how special and complex these men are. Its about supporting and centring the women and children.

You all are inspiring, truly. I hope you do write a book