Trans Widows Escape Committee 2- The Trans Widows Strike Back..

[TinselAngel]

The previous thread is nearly full, so here is a shiny new one.

I'm thrilled that this took off enough to merit a second thread.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason.

Hi Victoria,

Thanks for sharing your story - I find it so helpful to realise I'm not the only one who has experience this type of behaviour in a relationship. It is an isolating experience as it's not really the kind of thing I could talk about in normal day to day conversation. I only told one person all the time I was married (19 years) because I didn't want the judgement of others, and he is the father of my daughter.

Your description of wanking whilst wearing a lacy knickers and bra brings back traumatic memories. I was just an accessory- I can see now we never really had a connection as the clothes were everything to him.

I'm seeing a psychologist now and the insight I had after wondering why I stayed so long - my mother is a narc and I never believed I had the right to be happy. I only pandered to the needs of others. I feel
So thankful to be out of this now.

Hi Victoria, another failed relationship down the line, and my main worry is: why do I not confidently assert my boundaries? It's something I really hope to change,going forward

Also, thanks for delurking. The more of us contributing, the less the weight on me x

VictoriaTheExplorer how very sad. But well done for thinking of his children and alerting their mum.

Victoria - your story is so familiar to the story my ex's other woman told me.

While we were married and he hid his CD and AGP (but subjected me to every other form of narcissistic abuse) he had an affair with another woman (plus multiple other flings too). He treated her the same way this man treated you, all the time pretending with me to be a completely straight and boring husband, father and businessman. He rented a furnished house so he could pretend to be single and stayed there when I thought he was away working.

She was just an accessory to his wanking in women's lingerie and hours and hours of taking photographs of himself. He wanted her to be a lesbian with her "girlfriend" even though she had signed up to a relationship with a straight, long divorced man.

When she eventually found out the truth that he was still married she found me and told me everything. Even his repeated claims that he found the touch of men, women and children arousing. She showed me photos as proof.

For that I will always be grateful to her and we are now very close friends.

It's the script - similar to the script adulterous men have.

Thank you all. I found the first TW thread during my relationship, and I do think it is helpful to provide shared experiences so that others can see the script. My ex said he liked the fact I was 'masculine' (I am absolutely not), and eventually his focus on his own dressing, and self-adoration in mirror etc became far greater than his attention to me. So really there was only room for one woman in that relationship and it was not me. Yes I left because of his inappropriate behaviour around his kids, but I should have left long before I even saw that - I should have left because of his inappropriate behaviour around me - and that is a mistake I will not repeat in any future relationship. Some of the situations I have read are far worse than mine because we never married or had kids, and I walked away cleanly so my thoughts are with you all.

Hi everyone, I'm another who has been lurking for a while on this thread and it's now time for me to join the party! I have posted in @TooManyTears thread and @TinselAngel kindly invited me to share my story on here.

Well here goes! It's a long story and goes back over 30 years. Been with DH since early twenties. He told me he was a cross dresser early on before we were married. I asked the specific question "do you want to become a woman?" The answer was an emphatic "NO I'm sure I am a man".

Many turbulent years passed and we have three children. He drops the bombshell "er I've changed my mind, I've now decided I'm going to be a woman". Told friends and family I have "always known" based on our conversation years ago. Classic case of telling a half truth to cover up a lie to make himself look better.

Now some 4 years after that bombshell DH is fully transitioned, gone through full GR surgery, out with everyone.

How do I feel about all this? Like I've been hit by a train! After years of pretty nasty behaviour from DH I had the rug completely pulled and found my whole life was based on a lie. My mental health is shot.

How am I going forward? Not a clue! Strangely, since coming out DH has become a much nicer person, does acknowledge the bad behaviour and has made apologies of sorts. We are still living with DC as a family but not a couple (separate rooms) but still married. We actually get on better than we have in years. But we are in a limbo and really can't carry on like this forever. I've realised the situation is actually completely messing up my head.

So that's me! Thanks for listening and 🍷 all round to all friends with similar experiences here. We need to look out for each other.

@Toomanytears linking to you again, think I got your name slightly wrong in previous message!

Thanks for sharing @WifeOfTiresias - I wish we weren't all going through this experience, but it's incredibly helpful to share stories.

I can't imagine what it's like to live with someone through the transition, but It's no surprise it's messing with your head. Do you have support in real life?

I'm really interested to know how many of you have people to talk to in real life? I haven't told anyone outside my therapist and one friend who is pretty shocked.

My family know as they couldn't understand why I would want to separate from the kind and mild mannered man (in their eyes) so I felt I had to share this (just the cd part nothing else) to make them understand but not sure they do really. They think I'm disloyal to him for telling them

I think I feel ashamed that I was duped into believing him for so long. He also said at the start that it was just a thrill from sexy underwear and I went along with it because I didn't want to be narrow minded and I loved him - but the behaviour morphed into something so bizarre and self centred and obsessive and manipulative over the years that I still feel traumatised even though we're living separately.

Anyway, sorry for rambling and thanks to anyone who is listening. I think I need some

Hi @mashedswede, I've got some good friends who are very supportive so can offload! Unfortunately they don't live locally so can't see them regularly but call often.

Don't feel guilty about believing the lies for so long, they are very good at knowing just what to say to draw you in.

I told my two closest friends during the process, and other people I trusted after we split up. I think it's so important that we don't continue to keep their secrets and let them control the narrative, once the relationship has ended.

Thanks for joining the thread Tiresias. How on earth can you bear to still live with him? 😱

Do you have to present a united front and go to parents evenings together etc? If so, you deserve a medal as big as a bin lid for hanging onto your sanity.

Thank you for inviting me over here TinselAngel. I am also one who posted on TooManyTears thread. I had no idea this existed and i’m going through a particularly tough time with dh’s cross dressing at the moment so it is very comforting to know i’m not alone and that the emotions i’m feeling are normal. TinselAngel you asked a page back if the husband was a high earner working in IT. Is there a specific reason you asked this?
My story, I discovered a few years ago, after children and several years of marriage, that my husband cross dresses. I found out by accident and I can still feel that shock and sick feeling now. I never ever suspected anything. He promised me it was a very small part of him, that he hadn’t done it for years but stress of a young family had made him feel the need again. I didn’t know what to do but we agreed boundaries. A few months later I found out that it was actually a massive thing and that he had repeatedly broken every boundary we had agreed. He threw all his stuff away and promised it would never happen again. Except it did, again and again. I have forgiven him repeatedly and I am exhausted by it. The last incident a few weeks ago led me to tell him that I would no longer accept him doing it at all. He apparently uses it as a coping mechanism for stress (I don’t believe it’s just this because there is a sexual element too) so he is having counselling. I don’t have much confidence that it will do any good but I have to hope for the dc or maybe it will give me time to find the strength to say that enough is enough. I hate who he becomes when he dresses. He lies to me, he doesn’t consider my feelings, he isn’t the man I married and he doesn’t seem in control of his actions. I would never have chosen this and he took my right to choose away so he now has to choose between that and me. Sorry that ended as a rant

to you yew and the other posters.

I want to see research on this. Stonewall's fucked up trans umbrella includes all these guys, with basically a sexual fetish, and says you are valid as the opposite sex. I think I want to know how many transvestites suddenly decide they are women. Actual women.

I really think there is a difference here between people with genuine gender incongruence and many transvestites. I'm being proper "truscum" here, but I think it's all about the penis.

I want to see honest research on the amount of men getting off (and to be fair Yew I have heard the "destressing" reason for crossdressing before too) on wearing women's clothes and if / when this crosses over into a complete denial of their male sex. I think women's undies wearing as a fetish is more common than we think. What and when triggers these men over into wanting to actually be a full time woman?
The widows are clear their partners weren't always like that.

Why are the numbers of young women identifying as men huge? But then the amount of middle aged women wanting to be men practically zero?
Why is it the other way round for men?
Where's the curious researchers? Scared shitless no doubt.

Oh and yew you have every right to rant. Every right to be angry and hurt.

Hugs x

Joining for the first time.
I have been separated from my husband for 5 years now. We had two children together but he was an abusive lying individual.

I knew in the early days of our marriage that he fancied himself as a woman and did my best to tolerate it. However, if I did anything to support him he would gaslight me and accuse me of forcing him into being transgender.

He was abusive and violent and eventually had no contact since he tried to attack me when my youngest was in my arms.

Unfortunately for unrelated reason my children were adopted last year and he refused to participate in the court process citing that he wanted to concentrate on his sex change. I am convinced that he was buying medication off a clinic on the internet as no NHS clinic would have approved him due to his significant mental health problems.

Both me and his own family are confused by his desire to be a woman as its clear from his behaviour that he actually hates women.

Hello Newbies.

Yew, I asked about high earners working in IT because for reasons unknown, that's what the majority of them seem to be.

You give a very eloquent account of the cycle of compromise and boundary pushing that many of us seem to experience.

So many women are going through this and suffering in silence.

Kat I wonder if hormone changes in later life influence things. Or perhaps when men have been ashamed and hiding things for their whole lives, they just get to an age where they think ‘fuck it i’m doing what I want to do’ so they go the whole hog. Or maybe it’s a cumulative thing. I think i’ve noticed with my Dh that the more he does it, the more he ‘needs’ to and the more he pushes the boundaries. It’s like a release and an addiction and once it’s out of the bag they can’t stop themselves. I know that this is a massive fear of mine for the future. I can see this escalating and even if I walk away, my dc will be affected.
TinselAngel how strange about the IT thing. My Dh is more of a cliche than I thought

I wonder if the link to IT is correlated to the link to autism but I've no evidence of that.

Ah, the IT thing. Isn't it interesting? Mine was in IT until he switched to a helping profession (I thought this was his mid-life crisis but turns out he had two! I haven't managed to have mine yet...!). People have raised it previously I think making a link with possible autism spectrum traits, which has certainly been noted by mental health professionals dealing with a rising tide of girls being referred to GICs, who seem to be autistic.
I agree completely that the extraordinary neglect of the question about fetishism/tranvestites/AGP beggars belief. What has happened to all the old-fashioned transvestites? It certainly isn't fashionable to be one, and you don't get the kudos/protection from any criticism whatsoever, that you get for being supposedly transgender.
The lying is really corrosive and very difficult to live with even (for me) years after the lie broke. My ex said he had trans feelings as a kid, then buried it and really had no feelings of being trans whatsoever (conveniently) when he married me and had kids... then it re-emerged magically in mid-life at a time when he was financially settled and his kids were nearly teenagers, and he had got into a line of work likely to be hugely supportive and sympathetic (they were)... funny that.
My youngest actually said 'did he wait until his youngest child hit puberty?', as that is exactly what happened.
I feel it's a cake-and-eat-it situation; my ex wanted the family thing, and the career, and then wanted the last bit of the puzzle (in his case, a great envy of us women being able to wear skirts)(it excites me daily, don't know about you lot).
Welcome all new contributors; this is amazing, that we have an apparently safe place to share these INCREDIBLY SIMILAR stories.
The boundary-pushing started with mine literally the same week as he agreed not to do various things (like bringing clothing into the house). He tried to say his silky women's pants were good for his cycling (seam-free)... yeah right.
Personally I am surrounded by people who remind me when I feel overwhelmed that I really am better off without him. It is a form of abuse, and my ex's treatment of his kids while he transitioned was emotional abuse... but in the current climate it is never regarded that way.
I do, however, hang onto the hope that the tide is slightly changing, with some questioning of ideology/bullshit going on in the media, and a few very brave souls (Graham Linehan, Sharon Davies) putting their heads above the parapet.

Hi again,

I'm really interested in the autism link - my ex is most likely autistic (although he's not formally diagnosed because he refuses to go for a formal assessment) and I have often thought when reading other posts that they are similar to ASD type behaviours in their obsessiveness .

I've been on the 'anyone married to an Aspergers' thread and there is lots of talk about obsessive behaviours and 'special interests'. I thought of CD and AGP as being a special interest iykwim

At the end of the day I suppose it doesn't really matter what causes the behaviours, but how we feel. My mind is always trying to understand - why - why - why? How can someone who is so kind in the one hand be so utterly self obsessed and cruel? And so fucking obsessed with lacy underwear and tights!

Anyone else feel like their partner might be on the spectrum?

As an ex-IT droid I think I’m right when I say that IT is one of the few professions where a laser like focus on esoteric issues (heap management) and a need to work to strict guidlines is not only a good thing - it’s the route to well paying jobs. So in IT you do find some very odd people who seem unsuited to the real world, which sounds to me as if they are not only on the spectrum, but a long way across the spectrum. And since there is a possible link spectrum/trans (and indeed some of the people I knew have transitioned) this may explain

This may explain why several of the previous posts have mentioned IT

I agree Borne, a lot of my ex's IT colleagues definitely seemed unsuited to the real world and probably on the spectrum.

He always said he scored highly in online testS for autism. I pooh- poohed it at the time but have since thought he may be right.

When we say IT does that mean computers?