Trans Widows Escape Committee 2- The Trans Widows Strike Back..

[TinselAngel]

The previous thread is nearly full, so here is a shiny new one.

I'm thrilled that this took off enough to merit a second thread.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason.

Yes it does.

Ah thank you for clarifying.
My ex husband was obsessed with computers. He would spend so many hours on it. Sometimes up to 18 hours a day. His family suspected that he was on the spectrum.

In 1970 at an early social meeting of The Beaumont Society (founded for cross-dressers, transvestites & transsexuals) it was noted that 30% were engineers & most of these into steam trains.

www.yumpu.com/en/document/read/6971183/a-short-beaumont-history-the-beaumont-society

That's hilarious. My ex was a rail enthusiast- both real ones and model ones.

It's a great joy to me that I no longer have to go and look at steam trains/ model railways.

I wonder if there's special groups for transgender rail enthusiasts?

transpotting

All I can say is THANK FUCK my Dh isn’t into steam trains as well. That would be too much to cope with 😂
On a more serious note, he does have an almost but not quite obsessive interest in a couple of subjects. As I said previously I think cross dressing becomes an all consuming obsession at times and it’s all he can focus on when he’s going through a phase of needing to do it. I don’t think he’s on the spectrum but he perhaps shares some traits with those who are. It’s an interesting connection and one I haven’t come across before.

Yes. I didn't have to put up with the sexual bullying that most trans widows do, but I did have to put up with the steam trains.

Oh God, steam trains! My ex was a model railway/steam train loving, high earning engineer - if only I’d known about all this 30 years ago!

He ‘hid’ the lacy pants and high heels for 15 years but once they came out they weren’t going back . . . Like many on here I tried to live with it but it wears you down . . . Strangely, he left for another (older) woman and I have no idea if he’s still dressing or if it’s escalated as I haven’t seen him in years (neither have our sons).

Anyway, I’m very happy now

I think my ex partner was probably on the autistic spectrum. I have a (lovely) family member who is also autistic so I am quite familiar with the traits. I was spared steam engines thankfully, but he had one or two special interests that were all encompassing. Frilly knickers being one of them, of course, and he had a life long obsession with a particular cause and he spent a lot of time writing angry letters and doing unpaid campaigning work. Now living with his mother in his late fifties, and last I saw of him he was wafting around her attic smoking fags and lurking on the dark net like something from a gothic novel. One other girlfriend of his, he managed to persuade her that she was a boy, because she was small-built and slim, to the point where he referred to the woman as 'he'. I think she was well into the kool aid and thought the whole thing very important to play along with.

My ex is a self employed in IT and definitely exhibited autistic traits. He was a very high earner until he fucked up all his business relationships with his extreme transactivism & downright weirdness - eg dressing as a flamenco dancer, or an Egyptian princess, the ridiculous high pitched Victorian accent, the mincing walk, telling women what women are etc. He didn't have the protection of employment rights so his clients just fell away as each contract ended. Add to that the fact that he hasn't been able to sit down, walk far or drive since his surgery at the end of January. Not sure what he's going to find to do other than work for a very woke charity or similar.

Oh and he suddenly became a animal rights, refugee and human rights activist after I divorced him, having criticised me for years for doing those things and calling me a "do gooder" Oh and he hated gay people, calling them "the gay mafia" whilst I had many gay fiends. Now he's an LGBT activist.

My ex claims to be a "feminist" (the woke kind), now he no longer identifies as part of the patriarchy. (He is of course, still part of the patriarchy).

Funnily enough he was never interested in feminism when there was nothing in it for him.

Loving the description of the Victorian accented Egyptian Princess

Oh Lordy this is all fascinating. Funnily enough mine too is now into both feminism and flamenco! Keep em coming!

In The Guardian today the Mariella Frostrup column - “My wife and I don’t have sex and I have secretly been buying women’s clothes”. It’s a pretty badly thought out response by Mariella, and the comments are what you’d expect - sympathy for the husband from those who have never experienced being “the wife”

Goodness me, that Mariella Frostrup response seems decidedly dim.

I do actually feel sorry for the guy, his life seems totally compartmentalized etc. But this advice seems very odd...

"Does that shared sense of humour mean you’d dare be honest with her about your experimenting? I have no idea how she might react, but I’m pretty sure that she is where you need to start when it comes to any attempt to express a more honest version of yourself. It sounds as though your partner is the one person who remains close to you, so trying to enlist her support and understanding is the obvious first move. She may well be your saviour in terms of urging you to find yourself. In an ideal world she might even join you on an experimental journey – but after 15 years of sexual abstinence that’s less likely."

"I have no idea how she might react" I think most of us, even those of us like me who are not trans widows, have a very good idea how she might react. To be fair to the guy it sounds like the marriage is now a friendship and maybe she will react differently if this is the case.

Anyway, I wish there was somewhere that couple in these situations could get help. There seems to be help for the husband but not the wife.

I read that too. My first thought was that she probably won’t take it well. A shared sense of humour does little to rectify someone hiding who they are from the person closest to them. I expect he will use the lack of sex to blame her for his experimentation. This sort of response is the reason why so far I have refused couples counselling. I don’t want someone trying to find a compromise that we can both live with, and I don’t want to be told that my Dh should be allowed to ‘test the boundaries of his desires’. I don’t want it to happen at all.
On a similar note, my dh’s counsellor has suggested he finds a new hobby. Presumably one to replace the one that sees him raiding my wardrobe every couple of months. I said I would support him through counselling to see where it went but I can’t help feeling that this approach is pointless.

Yewneekusername I wish you all the best. I hope things work out well for both of you.

Mariella should not advise on things she has no understanding of. Why is the wife always cast into the role of supporter and cheerleader in a situation which directly breaks their marriage vows. Oh, and the old chestnut of "maybe you can experiment together". Had that shit from a counsellor

Would she be so quick to advise the wife of an adulterer to indulge in a bit of wife swapping?

Yeah, let's push the little wifey into "experimenting" with things that go directly against her sexuality. After all, as long as hubby gets to be his "true authentic self" who cares if the real woman gets shoved into a convenient little box? Her identity really doesn't matter.

I have two friends who are trans, one in each direction. Both are still married. Both trans people are open, chatty, relaxed, sociable, confident. But their spouses? Quiet, still, watchful, seldom enter into conversation. I wonder - could these be symptoms of shock?

PS Apols if not appropriate - I am not in your situation, just an outsider's reading maybe something that isn't there into how two friend couples present.

I can relate to those spouses, that was me just after H came out to friends and family as trans.

It's because they have told lies to friends and family while coming out to them to justify their actions. Mine told everyone, including my own mother, that I had known all about it since before we were married so no need to feel sorry for me. Even told one mutual friend that we had made an agreement to have kids together then he would transition. Completely ignoring the truth which was he told me he was a cross dresser but was "absolutely 100% sure that he was a man".

So there we sat, everyone congratulating him on how "stunning and brave" they are, and looking at me with a mixture of pity and contempt as how could anyone with any self respect marry a man who wants to be a woman? Effectively cutting them off from any support from family and friends. Oh and I couldn't speak out about these lies because I couldn't go hurting the delicate feelings of the poor trans person could I?

Why was I still there? Because my children needed me to keep their lives as stable as possible as their father had no interest in that.

So yes, those spouses were probably feeling shell shocked, judged and without support.

Why not try quietly asking them if they are ok and if they would like someone to listen to them? I bet they would appreciate it.

I am massively impressed with the support that each woman here gives to others, it's unbelievably impressive.

But as the OP, bloody hell, TinselAngel you are a one woman powerhouse of support, strength, insight, comfort and analysis.

You're phenomenal. And deserve a medal.

💐

Thank you Datun, that's very kind, although I'm not sure it's entirely deserved.