Trans Widows Escape Committee 2- The Trans Widows Strike Back..

[TinselAngel]

The previous thread is nearly full, so here is a shiny new one.

I'm thrilled that this took off enough to merit a second thread.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason.

He told me it was my fault, I drove him to it.

Hi all, @alicethemenice has been in touch and I can confirm she is legit.

As an aside, it took a year for the other thread to fill up. We're a third of the way with this one already and it's only February. It just goes to show how much more common this situation is becoming. To think I wondered if a second thread would take off!

Cadanita1

"Italiangreyhound I wasn't brave enough although my kids wanted me to. Greatest mistake of my life."

I feared as much and it's totally understandable that you felt afraid. I hope whatever stories you share, in whatever fashion will shine a light on this kind of awful, criminal behaviour.

Cadanita, was he always abusive?

@Cadanita1 no you misunderstand me, that's what my ex says about me, to kill my voice.

If I'm cast as the bigot, then everything I say about how awful he is, is mute. Everything I say about this, his behaviour being a sexual fetish, that he's getting off on the control he has over me, over getting everyone to believe his pink brain bollocks. No one believes me even though it's OBVIOUS, and I have so, so much evidence, because that's nasty bigotry.

That's what he says.

He was always selfish. He started to get really nasty after our youngest was born. When she was just over one I found out he had arranged to meet a girl in a hotel and spend a night with her but she said she didn't feel she knew him well enough for that. I found that ourt because a message popped up when I was on the computer. He said it was because the kids took up too much of my time. Then I found out about the internet dating, that was because I didn't get dressed up for him coming in. The last was an affair that was because I gave up work to look after our 4 children. He said the final straw leading to affair was because i bought his brother a bottle of Brandy for his fortieth from all of us. Still can't really understand that one. He punched a wall beside my head when he got caught out on a lie, he told me next time it would be my face.......

Bird bandit if it holds any weight I believe you x

Sorry, I get busy and caught up in much of the rest of this awesome mumsnet board :)

The funny thing is the last few years my partner seems pretty close to being peaktransed himself. Not enough to detransition or anything, I think we are way past that. He has half a foot in reality and isn't as nuts as the younger generation of new transkids. A few years ago he began to get kicked out of online trans communities for talking any sort of logic or sense. He was called a truscum and banned for saying GID is inherent to being trans.

He still is on some on facebook but he said to me the other day "they all seem so ANGRY all of the time!" I just bite my tongue.

Cadanita that sounds like very typical abusive escalation I am sorry to say :(

re the journalism project: I would not want to participate because I am still with my spouse and financially dependent and it would be a nightmare for me if he recognized my story.

Cadanita1 "He punched a wall beside my head when he got caught out on a lie, he told me next time it would be my face......."

I am so sorry.

Cadanita and bird, the sheer bloody hypocrisy of them parading round being stunning and brave and nobody knowing what vicious bastards they are, is horrendous.

They are vicious - mine was never violent but he lied and cheated and said the most hurtful, nasty things he could think of to justify his behaviour - eg "on our wedding day I was in love with someone else and I chose the wrong fucking woman! Then I was stuck with you because she's with someone else now!" Meanwhile he's shagging woman number 3 or 4 because "you're a bully!"

My one said on our wedding day....obviously after the ceremony, that I'd do until something better came along, I never knew if he meant to be funny but it's stuck with me ever since. The priest asked me prior to the wedding what would I do if a big blonde went after him.....I never realised that the big blonde was in actual fact himself, not the priest obviously lol

I watched the programs last night, and wanted to come here to say aaargh.

What also shocked me was the women transing the men, the woman dressing and coaching them, the sister transing her brother.

What is going on there. Shocking.

I started a thread recently about Shiela Jeffrey's thoughts on how using preferred pronouns harms trans widows. It got deleted as it proved impossible to discuss it whilst staying in the talk guidelines (around pronoun use).

I'll just leave this here as it will be of interest to other trans widows.

Hi Tinsel
Still adjusting to his absence.
Having a wobble.
Friends don't know what to say, don't know the real reason for all my upset.
DD just told, feeling confused and upset.
I thought I could contain the 'problem', but No it's not my decision or life anymore that matters. Only the One bards selfish body/mind/high heels/makeup that matter.
I fing hate him

You need to tell the friends who you think will be supportive Start. Take control of the narrative.

abbey44 and mine!!

I wouldn't mind sharing my story, anonymously, but my Ex would recognise us if I mentioned the blog. My counsellor said he was the worst narcissist she has heard about and she has been in counselling for over thirty years.

Foe any other Transwidows whose partners were narcisists she recommended a book to read. "The wizard of Oz and other narcissists"

Seriously a book is a good idea - a real one, an anthology of stories - and I would suggest you keep the money. It won't be a lot but divided between however many put the stories in, it would be a contribution.

Perhaps post on AIBU and Chat to find out if there are any publishers or literary agents online?

Or that posting elsewhere might be too exposing....

I'm having psychotherapy for complex ptsd resulting from narcissistic abuse. The trans identity was the newest and only a small part of the whole of the abuse I suffered. My therapist who specialises in narcissistic abuse says she is coming across more and more women who are trans widows and also victims of narcissistic abuse. It's becoming obvious it's just another way they can adore themselves and abuse women whilst being protected from criticism themselves.

And I'd be delighted to contribute to a book. If you don't want to keep the money donate it to a women's refuge in your area?

Hi Start I'd say take the plunge and pick a close friend to tell what's really going on. You will feel so much less isolated and great relief when friends know. Most of mine were 100% supportive and the couple who took my ex's side, and the few who weirdly disappeared (apparently common with divorce regardless of the reason) I concluded weren't such good friends after all. It is hard to say out loud but you don't have anything to be ashamed of. What stops you telling friends the truth,?

I'm so sick of all this trans stuff! My husband told my 13 year old son he is going to start wearing dresses when he drops them off at boy scouts.
He keeps telling me, and them the world is changing, and no one cares if you're trans. My heart breaks for my kids. No kid should have deal with this. Every trans group tells the parent "kids adapt easier" They don't. They are good at hiding their feeling.
Now my 15 year old daughter is telling me she is a boy, she doesn't want to be a girl anymore.