Trans Widows Escape Committee 2- The Trans Widows Strike Back..

[TinselAngel]

The previous thread is nearly full, so here is a shiny new one.

I'm thrilled that this took off enough to merit a second thread.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason.

And Senterkitten you're not alone. You didn't let anyone down
and responsibility lies with him not you. The others are right that you may need to consider an exit plan... cashback and a passbook savings account helped me feel more in control. It's a long road and I felt terrible for many months but there are options and ways of getting free. My heart goes out to you. Stick with this group if helpful... it has made such a difference to me

No one needs to answer this but just curious- did anyone's 'dh' previously 'identidy' as non-binary?

Just wondered if identifying as 'nin-binary' was a step on the way. Recently meet a couple where the guy very much looked like a guy, dressed like a guy but then said I'm on-binary and even before he said it there was something that tipped me off!

My ex used to be a transvestite, maybe that was old fashioned non binary.

A trans woman once told me the difference between a transv*st!he and a trans woman was about 2 years.

The non-binary just made me think of the people who might say they were bi them layer come out as gay. Kind of soften ' the blow' for parents or partners. Nor that they can or necessarily say that but have heard people say they did that.

Did my ex always know where he was going and choose me to be his beard until he was ready, or did he have a genuine struggle to try to stay in a male role (as I thought at the time)?

I often wonder about this, but as he has now completely taken on the modern trans ideology I will never know the truth.

My ex was transvestite, but that was 25 years ago, before the trans ideology had taken hold. He was diagnosed with gender dysphoria and was about to set off down the reassignment road (that's when I left with the DC), but the OW (it was complicated ) made him "feel like a man" apparently, so he changed his mind. He's since re-embraced his feminine side, but I have no idea how he identifies these days. It was exhausting trying to keep up at the time and I'm very glad I don't have to any more. DC are adults now, and know what went on - they just shrug and eye-roll a bit. I'm very glad they didn't know at the time.

but the OW (it was complicated hmm ) made him "feel like a man" apparently, so he changed his mind. He's since re-embraced his feminine side, but I have no idea how he identifies these days

I think it was in Anne Lawrence's book that autogynephiles often dial down on the dressing etc when there's new relationship energy. The new woman kind of competes with the woman inside, and as long as there's infatuation, she wins. When time goes on "the woman inside", or the fetish, re-emerges as the one true love.

Interesting news headlines over recent days, with three stories discussing/challenging trans ideology: trans women in sport, gender reassignment for kids, and Stonewall fighting over the trans lobby's domination of lesbian/feminist issues. It cheers me up to see there is some discussion/challenge going on:

www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-47359692
www.thetimes.co.uk/article/stonewall-drives-away-backers-with-trans-agenda-t9jqfhc60

"I think it was in Anne Lawrence's book that autogynephiles often dial down on the dressing etc when there's new relationship energy. The new woman kind of competes with the woman inside, and as long as there's infatuation, she wins. When time goes on "the woman inside", or the fetish, re-emerges as the one true love"

That is so interesting, in last week's ' The making of me' the husband said he could marry himself when he saw himself in a weave!

Helen31a hope you're okay as I think your ex was in last night's episode of Ch.4 prog... Sorry if I've got confused. If so that's just awful for you. Still can't face watching it and can't begin to imagine what it's like for you.

Yep that was him, the constant professional, threw up in my mouth a little. Got the bottle of wine out to numb it a little.

socialworker222 the episode was actually quite interesting and I really warmed to Andy.

Helen31a my heart very definitely goes out to you. I know several parents struggling with trans identifying kids so that is my interest in the issue, I am not a trans widow. But my heart really does go out to all you brave women.

Cadanita1 very self indulgent telling the committee while the cameras were rolling. Where is other people's privacy in all this!

Thanks TinselAngel.

I think she avoids going online now because of the bullying she received, so I doubt very much she knows about any of this, as it's not really talked about irl. Despite obviously starting my GC journey (not that I knew it at the time!) because of what she went through a few years ago, even I had no idea about the rise in GC feminism (or what it even was) until I saw people debating on Twitter late last year, and I'm online a lot.

I really want to let her know this is going on, but I have to admit I'm finding it very difficult figuring out how to bring it up. We used to talk every day, but she's become more and more distant. And when we do talk it's obvious she wants to avoid discussing the issue. She's just so exhausted. But I think seeing all this will do her good, so I will get over my fear of offending and see if I can get her to realise what's going on now.

I remember reading about Christine Benvenuto's book a few years ago (when looking for others in the same boat as my friend), but a lot of people were bad-mouthing it as 'transphobic'. As a left liberal I went along with that and decided to give it a miss. I had honestly forgotten all about the book until you mentioned it, so thank you for the suggestion. I have a strange feeling I would have a very different perspective on it now I know that 'transphobic' seems to mean 'women speaking out' these days.

We talked about counselling a while ago, and I thought she was considering going, but I'll be honest, I don't think she ever did. Again, she avoids talking about anything 'negative' now so it's hard to tell what's truly going on with her. She was on anti-depressants following the split, however, but says she was able to stop taking them.

She very much seems like she's trying to pretend everything is ok, while still being confronted with him and his 'persona' every time she drops off their daughter. I agree she needs to put a line between them and not get involved with him in any way other than parenting arrangements. But, amazingly, she's still very defensive when anyone says anything negative about the guy. It's baffling to me. You're absolutely correct: her self esteem is completely ruined. She's said so herself many times, and it's obvious to anyone who knows her: she is a totally different person now. She tries to keep going for her daughter, but she's just going through the motions.

Anyway, sorry for the ramble and the delay in getting back to you. Thanks so much for your suggestions and your advice. I'm feeling a lot more courage to try and broach this subject again with her now.

Thanks Socialworker222.

You are right, I think she would feel very differently about this whole situation if he had been an abusive, rapey piece of crap without any of the trans issues. The trans stuff suddenly makes the world think of him as the one who is suffering. And she goes along with his wishes, because our society at the moment pressures us into pandering to people who say they're trans, regardless of what an awful human being they may have been, or what harm they may have done to real women. It's like a get out of jail free card. Unfortunately she's bought into it all, which makes this even more difficult.

I feel that, if I could just get her to realise the enormity of what's actually going on: if I could get her to see the GC side of things and that she's not alone, she would gain strength from that. But it's hard. I want to avoid upsetting her with the trans stuff, and just support her, but I also want to help her recover by showing her all your stories. It's a tricky line to walk, but I'll have to see how it goes. It might need to be a gradual thing. We'll see.

And you're right, he is a sh*t! I dread to think what other women are going through right now. Makes me so angry just thinking about the entitlement of it all.

I think it was in Anne Lawrence's book that autogynephiles often dial down on the dressing etc when there's new relationship energy. The new woman kind of competes with the woman inside, and as long as there's infatuation, she wins. When time goes on "the woman inside", or the fetish, re-emerges as the one true love.

I think I need to read that book - it describes my ex to a T.

I have been strongly advised to make my story public. I don't know what do.

You ok, Cadanita?

Can we help? Those of us who aren’t transwidows ourselves try not to post on this thread too much (it’s not our space) but there are hundreds of us here, standing in solidarity with all the wives, partners & girlfriends who have lived through this. I didn’t want to leave you waiting ages for a response

Cadanita1 do you want to make it public, and who has advised you.

Cadanita1 I'm told online is a good way to go. I wrote an article about my experiences and The Observer said they very keen to publish it but after many months never used it. I do wonder if the media is queasy about any negative stories about trans. However I was recently contacted by a BBC radio editor who wants to do a piece on the issue. She is Cat Farnsworth at [email protected] and works on the iPm show. If anyone wanted to do a radio interview I'm sure you could be anonymous and voiced like 'Michelle' on Woman's Hour. I would so like our stories to be out there. But of course it's a scary prospect..... The reaction to Woman's Hour was very positive and I'm sure your story is really powerful and important. Would you consider doing something? By the way I don't work in the media.... We could do with some more contacts.

Cadanita, I think you have to weigh up what will benefit you and your children most-going public or remaining private. Make a decision on that basis. You aren't under any obligation to speak out on our behalf or represent us. Do whatever is best for you and your family

Completely agree with TinselAngel.

If you give away details about your ex this coukd lead to you being identified. Especially if you have factors most people do not , husband on TV, coming from a specific less densely populated part of UK and having × number of kids.

What I think might make for more interesting radio is the fact that a number of you have very similar stories.

Normally, we look for the unique and unusual. But your stories are similar.

For many of you the secrecy, the purging of clothes (maybe) saying they are not going to do it, he fact once it does come out things can move very fast, starts with dressing in secret, then openly at home, then out once or twice a week, then full time etc.

I'm not a trans widow so I may now be deafened by people saying no it wasn't like that for me! But some stories do seem similar. And some contain infidelity and on line personas etc.

If I were in your shoes I'd not want to say anything identifying. E.g. only having one child or having several children because I wouldn't want anything to affect them further.

Just to clarify my interest in anonymity\secrecy is because of other aspects of my life- like the fact I have an adopted child and s trans identifying child in the wider family. I'm not saying anonymity/secrecy is the only way to go.

If I had no children I might be willing to be more open on any subject.

Because of the trans identifying child I am now very quiet on the topic except on anonymous social media.

I’d love to see s properly edited, published anthology of the stories of women partnered with late transitioning men. I reckon it would be very popular.
Everyone (except the editor?) could use an assumed name and there would be safety in numbers.

I’d also like to see some kind of independent-from-trans-groups support group/network and some specific, supportive literature aimed at partners. I suggested previously that perhaps the Freedom Programme could be approached to see if they would author that material - I reckon we could crowdfund to cover their costs and they could distribute the material the same way they admin the online Freedom Programme. If we crowdfunded enough it would cover the ongoing costs of adminning that.

Maybe proceeds from a book could be used to fund the support projects? I’m not a transwidow, so I wouldn’t want to take the lead on starting anything, but I would be happy to help/do the grunt work.

I think both your suggestions are good ones Betty.

After we discussed this on a different thread, I approached the Freedom Programme about developing specific resources, and got the following response:

"Any woman in an unhappy relationship with an abusive man is welcome to our programmes. If he is making her unhappy he is abusive. We have already welcomed lots of women in this situation and they have found it it helpful."

Which I took as a bit of a knock back to be honest.

With regards to the book idea, I think the problem might be that so many of the Trans Widows have been in abusive relationships and even if they published their stories anonymously. Their ex's would recognise it.

My brother works in a similar industry, the have a lot of shared contacts. He's bouncing, he wants me to go public. He says that the people who do know the truth, know about me and our children are totally disgusted but for the ones who don't, they are in aww of him. How brave it was of him to do the show, to open himself like that but as I said they don't know the truth. I hate the phrase he used about me wanting a real man. What I want was a husband who didn't lie, lead a secret life and have affairs. I only found out about the cross dressing prior to our split and believe it or not I was trying to understand but he then became violent towards me. He tried to push me out of a moving car and at one point push me down the stairs, our kids were there for that one. His mum contacted me the other night seemingly the program has cause huge problems within his family. I only found out that he was self prescribing of the internet.

He told his mum I was totally accepting of his cross dressing and in fact I was the one buying him his clothes and make up. I just want the truth out there. He opened the flood gates. I would never unless all my children were on board 110%.

Our eldest daughter sent him a message the day after the program was shown to ask when he intended to tell them. He said he'd left it up to me because he was too busy. It turns out talks for this show started Dec 2015. Two months prior to our daughters wedding.......So he's been busy for the guts of 3 and a half years! The only reason I knew was someone brought it to my attention the first night of broadcast and the fact that I tried to get it stopped or at least a preview viewing by my kids so they could prepare for the aftermath.