Hi everyone. I was signposted here by some lovely folk on Twitter. I've been reading all your stories and it makes me want to cry. Partly out of relief and partly because I'm just so angry and frustrated over this whole thing. Firstly, I need to explain I am not a transwidow myself, but my best friend (since we were 5 years old) became one a few years ago. I want to support her as best I can without being some awful pushy busybody type person. But I'm not really sure how to go about it. I will tell you her story.
She was married to someone who decided they were trans many years into their relationship. He was the first 'conventional' person she'd ever hooked up with. Her usual type were jobless druggies or weird conspiracy theorist hermit types (she used to be a bit of a druggie herself, but cleaned herself up and got a job). This guy was a well-respected, successful business man who had his own flat in a very expensive area. She moved in with him and we all thought she'd finally landed on her feet.
One day she phoned me up in tears telling me she was pregnant (unplanned) and she was terrified what he would say or do. Turned out he had been abusive (verbally and physically) to her in the past whenever she made plans to go out with friends or do anything which didn't involve him (this was the first I'd heard about this) and she thought her pregnancy news would not go down well. In fact, when she did tell him about it, he insisted she keep the baby and they could settle down as a family. They were, after all, both earning good money and could more than afford it. She was ecstatic and, despite the abuse, she went ahead with it.
Fast forward to a later stage in her pregnancy and she'd been tidying the house of clutter to make way for their new arrival. To her surprise, she found a suitcase of sexy lingerie and other women's clothes under the bed. Since it was not hers, she immediately suspected her husband of cheating and confronted him about it when he got home from work. He broke down in tears and told her he had a secret fetish for dressing in women's clothing and pretending to be a woman. He begged her to forgive him and insisted he was not gay, and doesn't really want to be a women: it's just a fetish. He said that he'd stop doing it and threw all the clothes away. She, of course, believed him.
A few months after the birth he'd become very distant and was refusing to help with the baby and housework, saying it was her 'job' as a woman (at this point she's on maternity leave from a very well-paid job in a career she's worked very hard to achieve since her shaky start in life). He also started insisting that she should give up her job entirely and become a full time stay-at-home mum, which she'd never wanted to do. Heartbreakingly, she agreed.
Despite this, she was not entirely naive, and suspected his distant behaviour was because he was cheating. And so, she decided to search the house for evidence of some discretion. She discovered another suitcase hidden away in the wardrobe. Somewhat unsurprisingly, it was full of sexy lingerie and women's clothes.
After confronting him this time, however, he was not apologetic. He blamed her for not accepting him and forcing him to live a lie. This, despite the fact he'd never mentioned anything about it since he was discovered the first time. After days of arguing she ended up agreeing that they can work things out and that he can 'explore' this side of himself, but she insisted that she be a part of it and that he no longer hides it from her. He was very happy with this arrangement. And so, she painted his nails, did his makeup, and went clothes shopping with him for dresses.
It continued like this for a few months. Although she claimed it was working out, there was no sincerity in her voice when we spoke about it. I could tell she was miserable. And then one night it escalated. He came home drunk from a night out with 'the girls' (to which she was explicitly told she was not invited) and demanded she had sex with him while he was dressed in full drag. She refused. He forced himself on her anyway. This became a regular thing. Every conversation I had with her from then on was just her crying down the phone. But she wouldn't leave him. I felt completely helpless.
Eventually she ended up with a STD and confronted him about cheating. He admitted that he'd joined several dating sites to find gay men and MtF trans people to have sex with, and had hooked up with several over the past year. He then broke the news to her that he'd decided to fully transition into a woman and no longer wanted to be with her.
He threw her and their child out of the flat and, with no job and no money of her own, she had no choice but to move back in with her mum in a town miles across the country.
Afterward, she still saw him when she dropped off their daughter for visits (he never comes to pick her up, by the way). This eventually ended up in a row after a time he opened the door dressed as 'Abigail' (much to the shock of his daughter who had -until that moment- no clue he did this). He didn't even have the decency to discuss with her how they would tell their child about his transitioning. His reaction to being confronted with my friends (entirely justified) anger over this was to set up Facebook and Twitter profiles as his new 'persona' and to slag her off to all his newfound online trans community. Random strangers (many claiming to be MtF trans people) harassed her with emails and Facebook messages about what a bigot she was until she eventually deleted all her social media profiles.
Despite all this, she still visits him (for their daughter's sake, she says). She even drove him to the hospital for one of his trans-related appointments. And still he continues to treat her like a piece of shit for it and she's utterly miserable.
This is a broad and probably impossible question, but is there anything I can do to help? I don't want to be an interfering bitch, and I know ultimately it's all up to her. But as people who have been in similar situations, what would you have liked your friends to do? What kind of support would have been welcome? And what would be a big obvious no-no?
Sorry this is long, I just can't believe the relief of finding this after years of worrying about her and not realising her situation was shared with so many. Thanks for taking the time to read it.