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Original poster

Can someone help me explain to DD14 why this isn't ok

176 replies

Inarticulated · 28/12/2018 13:51

DD is 14, and her dad (exH) gave her this for Christmas.

She says it's fine, it's from Missguided, and she likes it.

I think it's vile and don't want her to go out in it.

We just compromised that she wore a coat over it to go to the shop. In my mild horror all I could come up with was "but but it says 'for men's entertainment' on it", and that's not my point.

Please help me form a coherent argument that a 14yo might listen to?

Here is the link,should you want www.missguided.co.uk/playboy-x-missguided-black-magazine-print-oversized-print-hoodie-dress-10125564

Can someone help me explain to DD14 why this isn't ok
OP posts:
Confusedbeetle · 28/12/2018 15:48

I think I would say that the magazine suggests women are for sex and the idea of her wearing it upsets you as she is certainly more valuable than that, Teenagers often don't take clothes messages as seriously as they should. Ask her ( nicely) what message she thinks it gives

ScipioAfricanus · 28/12/2018 15:49

I remember having a playboy pencil case in late teens. I was pretty innocent and hadn’t realised what playboy actually was. It was just a cute bunny eared pencil case to me.

Thankfully university and reading up on feminism put a stop to that!

I have a younger child but I think when they live under my roof (!) there are certain things I don’t think I could tolerate. There are going to be some probably very awkward conversations about pornography in my son’s future. It’s very hard to talk about the male gaze and the objectifying of women to teenagers (from my experience as a teacher) and feel you’re really getting through, and yet it also feels like this is the vital age to stop them normalising it. It must be very tricky in the case of an ex who isn’t on the same page as you.

woollyheart · 28/12/2018 16:00

I would be quite explicit and explain that apart from being extremely tacky, some men will interpret it as saying you are inviting them to put their willy in your mouth.

If that doesn't stop her wearing it, I don't know what will.

Ariela · 28/12/2018 16:02

I'd have a go at washing it when she's not around on a too hot temperature, and try and iron off at least the wordy bits of the logo

ChattyLion · 28/12/2018 16:15

Maybe ask her, what the model in that picture back in the day felt like, having to hold a burning match that close to her lips.

Maybe she could think about why a porn magazine is happy to advertise by showing images putting women in scary and uncomfortable situations? Why is that their normal? Why is that their selling point?
Who holds the power in the porn industry?

The problem is if she has thought all this through, this leads back to a really depressing and uncomfortable question of why the fuck her father thought this is a good idea to give her for a Christmas present- whether it was something your DD had asked for or not. Sad

Agree with PP divided loyalties may well be in play- worth mentioning to her that grown ups will never be offended if you want to exchange a clothing gift. Everyone knows that things don’t always fit or aren’t quite right and it’s never a biggie to let them know you want to do an exchange when you have been given clothes as gifts.

Canshopwillshop · 28/12/2018 16:30

I think Missguided is the right name! My 14 year old DD and I went to their Bluewater store and I was quite shocked at some of the outfits. Thankfully she didn’t like anything in there!

UndercoverGC · 28/12/2018 16:36

Talk to her about the wider social pressures and influences which could make this attractive to a young teenager.
Make the not wearing it an act of rebellion against the advertisers trying to control her.
May also be worth talking to her about sex, and about smoking. Most 14 year olds are neither having sex nor smoking, despite what advertising like that may suggest. Talking about the awful things Big Tobacco does may help.

Frequency · 28/12/2018 16:44

Are there any cool aunties/cousins who could appeal to her sense of style or younger relatives? My 15yo dresses in what I would I call underwear most of the time and even she wouldn't wear that.

She said it looks 'try hard' and 'why would a fourteen year old girl advertise a saddo porn mag? It's gross. Only old men and thots think Playboy is cool'

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to have a conversation with her about calling young girls thots. Apparently, it doesn't mean what I think it does and I am overreacting.

AbsintheFriends · 28/12/2018 16:46

All excellent arguments here, but as the mother of teen daughters I'd go for a less confrontational approach, because of their tendency to dig their heels in (and think that if their almost-50 year old mother thinks something, the opposite view is the cool one.)

I'd explain that people will have strong reactions to it, and to her for wearing it. Many women, of all ages, will find it offensive and upsetting. Some will find it triggering. Some will feel hostile to her for advertising something that they perceive as aggressive towards them. She will be judged. And that's not even touching on the reactions men may have.

I'm a little uncomfortable with this as it does play on female socialisation to some extent, and also insecurity, but I know that it is definitely the approach that would be most instantly effective with my daughters. It is, however, the truth, and if she takes it on board you can then talk more generally about the reason why people will react to the image in the way they do and how soaked in misogyny society is

HettieBettie · 28/12/2018 16:57

Iron the fucker

dancemom · 28/12/2018 17:04

Its totally different to wearing a short skirt though. Women / girls can wear short skirts for themselves, that top actively advertises that she's dressing for men's entertainment. I have a 13 year old, I'm pretty open minded but that's a no no from me.

LaundryLaundryLaundry · 28/12/2018 17:06

Maybe get one the same and start wearing it, at least around the house. I'm sure she'll soon go off it!

cavycavy · 28/12/2018 17:08

You could easily fuck that up with an iron (ideally an old iron you’re willing to throw away after).

LaundryLaundryLaundry · 28/12/2018 17:08

But I agree - that's a weird gift for a father to but their teenage daughter. Maybe he's trying to win points by "treating her like a grown up" or something? Did she ask him to get it?

comeagainforbigfudge · 28/12/2018 17:09

Ooft OP, thats a hard one.

I'd be tempted to go down the route of "do you know the history of playboy? No? Im a bit hazy as well, lets look it up" then sit down and go through wikipedia, look up website, google news stories about it.

Its a good opportunity to develop critical thought and discuss body image, peer pressure etc.

We all have our formed opinions but your 14yo needs to read it herself so its not just something to dig her heels in against.

Good luck Gin

jessstan2 · 28/12/2018 17:11

Have an accident in the wash with the vile garment.

thenightsky · 28/12/2018 17:15

I was going to go down the road of what a fucking vile creep Hugh Hefner really was, plus show her pics of him surrounded by women 60 years younger. But I see that's already been suggested.

brizzledrizzle · 28/12/2018 17:16

I'm not sure what is more vile, the garment or the person who bought it for her.

I'd find some well chosen articles about the feminist objection to Playboy and make a deal with her, she reads and discusses them with you and then you talk properly about the t-shirt. Hopefully they will encourage her to think about it and change her mind and see why you are insisting that she cannot wear it.

You could speak to a local charity shop and prime them to refuse it on the grounds of unsuitability and then take it in with her - and bin it.

Italiangreyhound · 28/12/2018 17:20

It looks shit.

HashtagLurky · 28/12/2018 17:36

It brings new meaning to "cheap and nasty". That's the tack I'd take. Find out how much it was and tell her. Offer to buy her a more age-appropriate t-shirt in the sales if she'll swap. And definitely introduce her to photos of Hefner. Because she's his girlfriend now.

SirVixofVixHall · 28/12/2018 17:36

I would get rather Jeeves with that and “accidentally” melt the image with an iron.
I am also horrified that her Dad thinks that it is fine.

ErrolTheDragon · 28/12/2018 17:50

Washing or ironing 'accidents' would be likely to be unhelpful to your relationship and don't address the problems with this garment.

I reckon (bar the precise terminology) frequency's DD has it about right ... I'm gobsmacked a teenager would want to wear something like that (mine sure as heck wouldn't have been seen dead in it).

HeronLanyon · 28/12/2018 17:57

I too don’t think there should be an acccident (even though that would be an easy route). As her parent you need, I think, to talk this through and ban it as completely inappropriate. No doubt there will then be arguments ‘but my dad gave it me you are so unreasonable’ etc etc but you can’t let her wear it nor let her think it is ok to wear it. Does she need some assertiveness/ self worth boosting somehow? I can’t imagine a 14 year old girl wanting to wear that - well I can but bloody hell !!
No matter what - good
Luck.
I am tweeting the company to ask what they are thinking about !

HeronLanyon · 28/12/2018 17:58

It’s not just age inappropriate but women’s rights inappropriate.

ShaniceDanielle · 28/12/2018 17:58

Let her were it until it makes it way to the washer and have a whoopsie moment 😛

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