How do SA and rape survivors cope in this climate?

[JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff]

When I gave birth last Feb, the staff wanted a load of people observing me inc men. I always knew I wouldn't cope well with that but when it came to it, he strength of my feeling surprised me. I couldn't go through it.

I was told last week that that same hospital now employs a transwoman ultrasonographer in the EPU who specialises in vaginal US. The person who told me was a local GP, speaking to me in a social context. He said some of his patients had been distressed by it.

It got me thinking - how do you/ would you cope as a survivor faced with that kind of thing? For me, loos aren't so much an issue but healthcare definitely is. But we all have our specific triggers.... what do we do if we cannot avoid them?

LangCleg

I never agree with but yes, that is absolutely what was arguing for most of last night.

Provide every with an easy way to register their need - no ambiguity, and no risk of judgement - and then abide by their choice.

Nothing should be imposed - neither male nor female hcp.

I never agree with you

Wonders will never cease!

I personally don't care if a man does intimate procedures on me but while this ridiculous situation full of stupid ambiguities continues putting practitioner ego ahead of patient comfort, I shall be insisting - loudly - on same sex HCPs in the hopes that my sisters who do care, won't be forced to make the humiliating fuss themselves.

I don't care either. No woman should be made to have a male, or a female, hcp against her wishes.

Just because some women prefer one sex it shouldn't follow that all women have same preference.

I'm off to my hospital appointment now.

If I specify that I prefer female HCP for intimate procedures that is highly unlikely to change.

It's just whataboutery. All the time.

Just because some women prefer one sex it shouldn't follow that all women have same preference.

Vastly more women prefer to have a woman, or don't care, than actively prefer a man. Don't be ridiculous.

Drip drip drip erosion of common sense and women's rights.

Well you could have I’d like female hcp, male hcp, don’t mind for everyone with the caveat that in an emergency it might not be possible and in a non emergency it might result in a longer wait. Then that’s informed consent. Not rocket science. You could then know what the demand was and encourage more female/male hcp into areas where more people would like them.

I do wonder from this thread how prevalent it is that hcp are also sex offenders. That concerns me.

I do wonder from this thread how prevalent it is that hcp are also sex offenders. That concerns me.

Lisa Muggeridge
'Social work training: Ever present risk of predatory behaviour'

That some will deliberately seek careers in Social Work to gain access to vulnerable adults / children, is also true of health, education, youth work, clergy etc etc.

I am a SA and multiple rape survivor and I recently had an ultrasound. My partner wasn't allowed in with me and I wish to god he had been in there.

The male doing it announced he couldn't get a clear picture so asked if it as alright if he went in vaginally.

I have complex PTSD and I simply can never give consent. Ever. I was conditioned as a child to never refuse a man's request. Especially a man in authority and even though he said I can ask for a woman, my conditioning kicked in and I said yes to a procedure I didn't want.

I still don't know how to say no to a man when I am triggered. The only clue I get that I am speaking in my conditioning is the choking feeling I get in my throat when I say 'yes sure'. The knots in my stomach and the shaking and sweating from trying to remain passive and calm.

It's no good asking me, I need the option of fetching a woman removed from the table. I always need a woman. Every time.

Am a SA survivor and recently had a mammogram. As most women who have had one will know there is a lot of pushing, prodding and squashing (someone needs to design a better machine) and I would NOT want a man to be handling me during the procedure. NO.

There's a societal archetype that "you're just being silly. A HCP is a medical professional and wouldn't ever hurt you". Total rubbish obviously. I'm sick and tired of it. I can't go the dentist without a panic attack and need diazepam to sedate me. On the times I do get there I often can't open my mouth. I'm fed up. Fed up of disapproving stares, being judged, tutted at for taking too long.

Makes me feel like it's all my fault, you can easily see the parallel. These jokers need to realise the fight/flight response has a freeze component. I'm exhausted at having to justify my actions and defend myself.

These jokers need to realise that "it's all your fault" has off the chart impacts on our lives. I'm fucked off with being told I'm the person causing problems. Fucked off with the parallel to rape and SA. This, just like the abuse have one massively significant correlation, blame. It's abominable. These issues weren't caused by victims, yet requesting even a female to perform tests registers widespread disdain. I'm fed up of "it's all your fault ". This, like the SA, are joined at the hip by blaming the victim. We've done nothing, absolutely nothing, wrong.

Sorry for the tangent. Thanks for sharing your stories

That's a useful example. And I'm sorry you struggle that way.

It's also a good example of the way abuse by women is minimised though. We're sold this narrative of male sex drives being stronger, women being weak victims and it's irritating not only because it's patronising, but because it minimises the impact, or even the belief of victims, when it comes to abuse by women.

Women couldn't do that- they're too good, they don't have the desire, they don't have the right parts, mothers want to look after their children.

My brother has dental issues because of the exact same thing, he freezes, and there aren't resources for boys abused by women the same way because of that narrative. While I was able to escape home when I was 18, there aren't the same shelters & hostels for boys who have been victimised and he had to stay until he was 22 as our parents sabotaged his student finance to keep him living there.

I'm a member of a group of survivers and 40% of us were abused by women (mostly mothers). But apparently we're not the majority so we don't get a voice. And I know, adult rapes are mostly men, to an extreme, but women abuse children and the effects are lifelong. It's no skin off your nose to ask a preference, rather than assuming either way. Saying 'what do you prefer, we'll give you that where possible' benefits everyone and makes it less intimidating when the patient knows the choice is given to everyone and given without judgment.

I can't remember PP's name but the idea of just having a box to tick saying 'do you prefer a same sex practitioner' would be brilliant, because the use of sex does exclude gender, and because it indicates & implies an extra sensitivity needed. Fwiw, when I needed a TVU which was hell they did ask over the phone if I had a preference while booking my appt, and was left nice and open ended to specify. I explained my trauma history and that I needed more consent awareness and they stuck me with a grouchy, sullen woman who clearly didn't give two shits but it was nice to be asked.

I have been trying to catch up with the thread, not sosuccesfully, but, so far this,..

Sick of hearing g that women who complain about anything male related (choosing a woman over a man for intimate exams or procedures), are man-hating!! Really, can't belive anyone still feels so threatened as to actually believe this stupidity.

That women will just have to suck it up basically because we have to protect men's jobs!!!! Pfah!!! Actually really,the women are fighting g to save men's jobs over traumatising a woman. The reasoning I had to be sedated so heavily and take house to come round was because initially I remembered coming g out of anaesthesia fighting and had to be literally pinned down (I hope I do t need to explain how traumatising that was, and subsequently despite being so heavily sedated that wouldnt happen again, it did!!! Although thankfully the sedation was sufficient for me not to remember it, but it meant they couldn't complete the exam still.

So for those saying it jus has to be done, or got over, or whatever else...I'm sorry but, really.... Just FCK off

Even heavily sedated my brain drove my unconscious body into terrified fight response. I should no have to go through that ever again.

ITS ABUSE. I was too scared to say 'no' or 'just ask', to not recognise that as a very real issue is to not understand the issues at all, and need to learn from those who do.

We are women, we always have been, we should have to opt out of seeing men, and should be encouraged to see other women as standard because as a gender we are oppressed and need to reverse that, so young girls should also only be seen by women, and not 'made' to see men, especially intimately

*we should NOT have to 'opt out' of seeing men, - 49% of the population, is male so men can all have men attend to them and women wouldnt need to

The other thing...
That this is a very small minority,
Pfahh!! ! Wake up!!
I can't remember who said it, dirty, but whoever says that, or thinks it, seriously needs to wake up and move on.
to you @snowyleopard I read your post at the start, but I've lost what you said now, part of the joys of trauma brain

Scrub *dirty - I don't know why its there and I don't recall want word it should have been

I dont think consent should ever be presumed. Just because I consented yesterday does mean that I consent now

^this

TBH I find all gynecological procedure pretty traumatic, whether a male or a female hcp is doing it. One of the most traumatic exams I have had was by a female doctor after the loss of an ectopic pregnancy, she was so horrible and basically said well you let your boyfriend in there or you wouldn't be in this condition so stop complaining.

I want to be asked for my consent every time, and not have it assumed, and know I won't be judged for saying no.

sword its clear what's happened there, and I'm really sorry. You weren't chaperoned, as you husband was refused entry without grounds and meant the bastard could do that to you (clearly NOT a HCP grrrrr!)

There surely are many people who shouldn't be in HC roles, as they are totally unsuited to the work, try to rush patients though uncomfortable procedures, try to negate the experience, and also its a target destination job for perps.

I struggle, really struggle. Being conditioned to say blindly yes to pretty much everything for 17 years scars. Taught never to say no to a "powerful man". It's only very recently my minds started to realise that I have the power of consent. My medical records have "Complex PTSD, female HCPs strongly advised" on them.

I had a colonoscopy some 10 years ago. I just lay there, frozen, tears. Took me right back to being 14. The impact was substantial and my MH went off the rails. I need to have an endoscopy as I have complex biliary problems. The endoscopy department have informed me it will be a male performing the test, as I am male. Despite the warning on my notes they won't budge. This stand-off has been running since March. It's the first time I've stood my ground.

The bastard who raped and SA me took everything. This is hopefully the start of realising I can say no.

The stares and silent judgement I get from medical staff. After all, it's only females whom get SA isn't it. I cannot begin to imagine how much it must be for women.

SimplySteve

I am so very sorry. This is why it shouldn't be an automatic default to sex of clinician matching sex of patient.

Can your GP not intervene in someway? I have had both male and female drs perform colonoscopies on me so it can be done. It just needs someone willing to sort it out.

I hope a solution can be found. Your health shouldn't have to suffer because of this.

Thanks @Weetabixandshreddies .

My GP has tried to intervene but she keeps getting fobbed off and told I'm in the system, and that's it.

They have been making me feel guilty, telling me an endoscopy/colonoscopy under propofol requires a doctor to sign it off, needs a anaesthetic, more nurses and cost substantially more.

That said, I'm seeing a upper GI consultant next month. Hopefully he () will hit the roof and personally sort this mess out.

Thanks for posting

I am not coping. I am very suicidal. I am crippled with fear.

Hello PankyE
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