Women defining themselves as wife and mother.

[MissBax]

Two separate women fiends of mine who have married in the last couple of years - have changed their instagram handles to "The Smiths" and "Mrs Jenny Jones" (not real names, obvs).
I think it's a real shame that women still feel so defined by the fact they are married. Neither of their husbands have done this - they still have their same accounts documenting beers, food, football. Meanwhile these women have gone from posting about their interests, hobbies, work etc, to just tediously posting about their lives as wives and mothers.
I'm all for women having the choice about how they present themselves of course! But I just think it's sad that they never post anything about themselves anymore, they just seem totally defined as "wife/mother".
I feel we still have a long way to go for modern day women and feminism.

...and my fiends, of course I mean friends

I personally am a wife and mother, a wife that took her husband’s name at that. While I am less defined by being a wife, I find motherhood to be fairly all consuming, particularly while DS is so young. I would consider motherhood absolutely central to my core sense of being now and will never not be a mother if that makes sense. I suspect they are just posting things that reflect this latest phase in their lives, rather than totally defining themselves as wife/mother. The fact that you see this as tedious says to me that you’re not all for choice about how women present themselves at all. You’ve never considered the option that they might be very happy to be wife/mother.

Well let's hope that they have good husbands who won't let them down. Both my husbands were lazy, sponging and selfish and if I had relied on them I'd be on the streets by now.
I'm enjoying life as a permanent single with my children and my career and I know I'll never rely on another man again.

Indeed I agree with @badger

I can understand you having a problem with this if your husband/partner expected this of you...but if this is something your friends choose to celebrate in their own lives how is it causing an issue to you?

Being a mother is also my core purpose in life. Why should women try to bend their ambition to be what men think of as 'successful'?

Are they the same people who love having 'mrs' branded items like mugs etc which thry photgraph and upload?

Motherhood taking over I understand but not getting married.

I like what Badger says! Motherhood is all-consuming, especially in the early years. I guess it's more telling that the DHs of these women haven't drastically changed what they are posting about?

In a similar vein but not the same, I find it very difficult that my friends with young children seem to only want to discuss their children.

Women who have achieved first degrees in law etc

Drives me mad.

It’s like on Insta when people put in their bios ‘wife, Mother, unicorn fan, scientist’ I don’t get why women with accounts that aren’t solely ‘instamums’ do this-I find it smug

Tedious for you, not for them. Sad for you, not for them. They're enjoying it. It's where they're at right now.

Just because your name or facebook page says something it doesn't mean you're defined as such.

It is possible to be happily married. I don’t know why that would be smug, or tedious. So what if they put stuff up you don’t personally like (those of you who feel likes this). Just don’t look! Nobody is forcing you.

I never found motherhood all consuming

I also find it sad when women do.

I don't really car if people find that judgy, it's only one of many many roles I have played at any point in my life and while it's one I may have needed most support / was one of the most challenging in it's not the one that defines my life and never was.

It's even sadder when women suddenly define themselves through the lens of a romantic relationship.

And yet cultural expectations remain that you are somehow lacking as a woman if you don't regard those two things, motherhood and man, as the most defining things in your life.

My problem is with the way you have expressed your problem - it appears that you are seeing the issue as one caused by your friends making 'choices' you disapprove of. Instead of noting the changes and thinking "hmmm, well I would not define myself that way but feminism should mean self determination not strictly - what would [insert favourite feminist here] do? - So fair play to them. But isn't it a shame that society still makes women feel they must define themselves by their relationship to men!?"

They could conceivably still be feminists, if they support women defining/ empowering themselves and having choices - and recognise the inequality still inherent in society - do you?

thereal
I think the point is that you tend to find more women who shift their social media presence to reflect the fact they are now a wife or a mother than you do men.

E.g. I have some friends and every day it's all about wife duties, being a mum, why life is hard being a mun, sharing inspirational quotes from pages about being a wife and being a mum. Lots of photos with 😍 of them and their #famalam and dates with 'this one' when they are out with 'hubby/hubster'. They've recently started talking in odd social media language about poop monsters and boob monsters etc. It's like in a year they stopped actually being themselves.

Other female friends who are mums and other dads I'm friends with manage just fine wifh being themselves, couple of photos of family days out or if they've been out with their DH/DW but otherwise they are normal people who happen to be married with kids.

The first category is almost exclusively women.

I know motherhood is all consuming - I am a mother. It's just more the instant they are married they change their settings to suddenly just be "Mrs Jenny Jones" etc. I am not debating women changing their names - they can do as they please - but when their bio becomes (wife / mother), I think it's a shame. They have so much more about them than that.

But RJ that’s your experience, and that’s fine - everyone has a different experience of motherhood. You finding someone else’s experience of motherhood sad, or judging someone for a relationship which makes them happy just means you are judgy, yes. I don’t know why it’s acceptable to bitch about other women’s choices. If it’s not affecting you, why bother about it?

@MissBax I get you’re saying. The husbands of these women seem to still keep their hobbies and be multidimensional and the women don’t. Why is that? It is very boring.

MaisyPops

Exactly!! This is what I mean. They are still people with other aspects to their lives, but all that they seem to do / talk about it being a mum/wife. Their partners seem to reflect much more balance.

They have so much more about them than that

They are reflecting a period of their lives which is important to them. As ever, threads like this come with sneery class overtones.

sneery class overtones

Erm, hows that exactly?! They are both of the same social class as me.

But I just think it's sad that they never post anything about themselves anymore, they just seem totally defined as "wife/mother"

Sad? Even if the women themselves are happy and satisfied but it doesn’t fit your view of how a woman should be?

I feel we still have a long way to go for modern day women and feminism

Your definition perhaps.

I haven’t necessarily done that on my instagram BUT I can’t see the harm tbh. I’m married, changed my name and family is everything to me. I am proud of my husband and family and want to talk about them all the time. Yes that would be tedious to others but I can see why some people do it. Doesn’t bother me. There are plenty of other things in my life but none I am proud of like my family. These feminism boards are all bitter and twisted half the threads on here are so negative about the way others live their lives.

but all that they seem to do / talk about it being a mum/wife

And that’s a problem for you because you clearly do not regard these positions as particularly worthwhile.

Whereas you’d be impressed if the words “mum/wife” were replaced with “their job”

And yet cultural expectations remain that you are somehow lacking as a woman if you don't regard those two things, motherhood and man, as the most defining things in your life.

^^Yes to this - cultural expectations.