Women defining themselves as wife and mother.

[MissBax]

Two separate women fiends of mine who have married in the last couple of years - have changed their instagram handles to "The Smiths" and "Mrs Jenny Jones" (not real names, obvs).
I think it's a real shame that women still feel so defined by the fact they are married. Neither of their husbands have done this - they still have their same accounts documenting beers, food, football. Meanwhile these women have gone from posting about their interests, hobbies, work etc, to just tediously posting about their lives as wives and mothers.
I'm all for women having the choice about how they present themselves of course! But I just think it's sad that they never post anything about themselves anymore, they just seem totally defined as "wife/mother".
I feel we still have a long way to go for modern day women and feminism.

Caribbeanyesplease

Yes I would, if all they posted was their job I would think that equally sad. I'm talking about balance.

I think feminism would achieve far more if we all stopped judging and criticising each other, personally.

Meanwhile these women have gone from posting about their interests, hobbies, work etc, to just tediously posting about their lives as wives and mothers.

I think the most tedious people are the ones who endlessly post about themselves. Full stop. Actually find them marginally more interesting if they're talking about their family rather than nobbing on about their latest purchase/holiday whatever. "Look at my family" is slightly less self obsessed than "Look at meeeee. At meeeee. Look at meeeee."

TheHodgeoftheHedge

I'm not judging or criticising - perhaps my op wasn't worded right. My issue isn't with these women as individuals, but the bigger picture - that they feel the need to project nothing but "wifey" and "momma". The fact that other women will compare themselves to this, the fact that others may feel they aren't as good etc. It's a big chain reaction. As someone said up post about the parties and excess - other people will compare themselves and think themselves inadequate. You rarely see fathers falling over themselves to throw the biggest party / spoil their wives / bake the best cake etc

My core meaning is being a mother. My children are young and band at the moment my main thing in life, nothing wrong with giving it your all as a mother, kids only need you full on for such a small part of your own life. I will not have the role of mother so heavily in a different stage of my life. I am successful and I am a suceeful at being a mother. Being a mum does not make me feel inferior to men or other women. I know who I am even if my friends do not because I post just of my kids or things like that. I don’t need to validate myself on social media.

If you change your name on marriage, it makes sense to change it.

Which includes on FB.

I think women should have the choice about what they call themselves, and to publicise the name they wish to go by if they decide to make changes, at the time they make the change.

There was a long thread here about how ridiculous someone was, because they had been addressed by the name they used on FB and they took umbrage because they actually wanted to be called something else.

Being clear on FB is sensible, and I think criticism of the choice, or that it was done promptly, is misplaced

I don’t need to validate myself on social media.

But the women I'm referring to do! That is what's sad.

I think what’s most sad is how judgmental their “friend” is being about them

EdithWeston

I'm not talking about Facebook - I'm talking about instagram where before hand their name was simple "Jenny" it is now "Mrs Jenny Jones", and then bio is - "Wifey to John Jones/Momma to Jess and Joni"

as a very happily married woman who is planning to start a family soon, I feel really sad for these women

Why? Why do you feel sad for them? Because they've enjoyed themselves planning a fun party for their kids? Why is that any more "sad" than the four day hen parties that people plan? Or a wedding with a colour scheme? Why not just have some sandwiches down the village hall? Or an all day golden wedding in a bland hotel? Why not just go down the pub with the family? People like different things.

Maybe they're just enjoying seeing their kids have a good time with their friends? People are different.....

I think what’s most sad is how judgmental their “friend” is being about them

Someone having an opinion on someone else... Welcome to MN

"that they feel the need to project nothing but "wifey" and "momma""

I disagree with your premise here.

You note how they are posting, but you ascribe it to 'a need. That is your interpretation and, if you read the thread, one that is not shared by a number of other posters.

It is also wrong to assume that everyone uses FB in the same way - yes we all kinda know it's a form of publication, but many just use it as a way to witter on to family and friends about what is happening here and now.

Especially if you are a professional, who knows damned well that any mention of work life is a no-no (for reputational reasons, which might be a sacking offence - not just on your page but also for onwards comments and unauthorised reproduction elsewhere).

Wifey to John Jones/Momma to Jess and Joni

That makes me cringe. But so does the "Adventurer, photographer, liver of life to the full, pop princess, wine lover, entrepreneur" crap that people spout. As I said upthread, at least the "wife and mother" bit has the virtue of being honest and a bit less self obsessed than some of the crap on there.

Whether it's FB, Instrgram or any other form of social media, the same principles apply.

It is plain good sense to update to the name you want to be called. Especially in the immediate aftermath is a change. It's a good way of letting people know.

a very large part of what drives this is the ''what do you do all day?'' mentaility. So many times 'society' - with one individual as its mouthpiece - would try to put me in the dock and me answerable for the fact that I was not 50% responsible for my DC but 100%, that employers undervalued me disproportionately lowly given the length of time I'd been out of the workplace, and that the cost of childcarers was so high, that I'd no practical support etc............... I was made (many times) to defend myself against the fact that I was not earning but was 100% responsible for my DC. The only way I could manage that on such a limited budget was to hunker down and wait for them to grow up a bit.

Now I work. But I sometimes wonder at how few other women see the bigger picture. Yes it's great we have ''the choice'' to work now and we shouldn't be defining ourselves by the man who supports the financial unit (aka, family) but join. up. the. dots! WHY do women do this? because they're forced to offer up a label, forced to justify their existence. They're made answerable for the fact that they are paid less than the man (maybe a father) at the next desk and can't earn enough to pay a childcarer. Forced to answer for the fact that within the economics of their OWN family unit, it wasn't practical to lower the family's income.

@deandre, what we need is a society that will support a parent to support their children from birth to school without it impacting upon them so negatively in a financial sense.

I'm a single parent so I never had the back up of knowing that there was a mortgage being paid off, a pension being paid in to, a career supported. For me it was just week to week, biding my time.

Society is the problem imo. We need to create a society where motherhood does not come at a huge cost. Fatherhood is cheap, and that's at the expense of mothers.

Perhaps if you can’t relate to where they’re at right now (as is clearly the case) you should simply enjoy your own life/hobbies/whatever and not worry yourself with feeling “sad” for your friends

NataliaOsipova

That's true! Although the women I'm referring to never did that before anyway. They used to post about books they'd read / share recipes / walks they'd been on / politics etc.
Obviously it's just my take on it, and evidently many people disagree with me, but seeing your friends lose what I consider to be massive parts of their person is a shame.

Having hobbies etc important to you. I get that. It’s not mine. I have no hobbies. I am a single mum. I exercise a lot but I don’t post about it so on FB it would look like o have no life because I hardly ever post and when I do, it is about my children

Perhaps these women just lost interest in theirs. Perhaps they are just enjoying a new different chapter in their lives and that interest in their hobbies will return. Perhaps not. I reckon it will work time but two years in to a new stage of their lives - it’s not sad or worrying that their focus has shifted entirely. As I say, come back to them in months/years and I think the novelty will have worn off and other bits and pieces will feature in their feed.

Having balance isn't something you can necessarily do on SM though?
I can't rant about how people are idiots like I do at work, I can't take pictures whilst I'm doing Zumba #hobby, and if I post pictures of me out with friends they moan they look fat/hideous. 🙄

Just because people don't choose to openly share that side of their life, doesn't mean they don't love and embrace it.

Also, I hate the word wifey, it makes me cringe to the highest degree and should be banned.

Yes, perhaps I need to just accept that we have very little in common anymore. The last time I met up with one of them I tried to make conversation about some of the things we used to have in common (books, film, food haha) and all she seemed to want to talk about was "is BabyBax rolling over yet/BabyJones laughed at Peppa Pig today" etc. Of course I'm always happy to talk about my DD and her DD but I couldn't get anything else out of her.

@carribbeanyesplease, sounds like me five years ago. I did nothing but jillian michaels workouts at home, but I looked good in my cheap jeans. I was also doing purely for my own interest, a lot of work on myself as oprah would say. But I think I'm in an extremely robust and positive place now, probably more so than a lot of married women my age who have been sahm and have older children and the school doesn't require their presence at all anymore.

They used to post about books they'd read / share recipes / walks they'd been on / politics etc.

To some degree though, I do think you have to realise that having kids is a huge lifestyle change. Small children means that you don't get to read books/try new recipes/go on walks....or not very often, or not as much as you used to be able to! To some extent, then, their posts really are just reflecting their changing lives. The "bigging up" of the wife and mother bit may actually be borne out of insecurity about that changed life. I don't like all the social media crap (as you've probably gathered , but if I (as a SAHM) were to use it, I'd probably put something like "Crap housewife and constant taxi service" because I'm happy with life and I'm not looking for approval from other people. I suspect these friends are seeking that validation (and, of course, the irony is they aren't getting that - at least not from you).

:Look at my family" is slightly less self obsessed than "Look at meeeee. At meeeee. Look at meeeee."'

I find them exactly equal in terms of self absorption. 'Look at my family' means 'look at my family, who are extensions of me'. Go spend time with your family, enjoy it, just stop showing off about it and boring everyone to tears about it!

But that is being insecure and nothing to do with losing themselves.

What I’m saying is I do many things. I run a business ( two in fact) I enjoy reading, faffing, creating, building and making things, I like to paint and I go out/spend time with friends....I do all those things but in my social media that has just friends and family on would probably think all I do is be a Mum, because I only post of my children. I don’t understand adults posting about them selves....why would someone be interested in me drinking a cup of coffee in star bucks??? I just don’t post shit like that. I post about my kids constantly though. If you was my friend you would think society has told me what to do and I’m just a denfensless and clueless about security Mum. But the actual truth is very far from it.

Social media is completely fake.....compleatly!!

If it's all completely fine and a good thing to define yourself solely by virtue of your marriage and family relations, how come I almost never see a man doing it?

It's the result of a massive power imbalance, no matter if some women find some kind of validation/satsifaction out of it. It's not in the context of an equal society, it's in the context of a society where being reduced to your role as the support act is still seen as the pinnacle of your achievements.

That's not to say that the supporitve roles of wife and mother are not important. They are, hugely so. But the roles aren't the sole preserve of women, and it's not the be all and end all of women's achievements.