Women defining themselves as wife and mother.

[MissBax]

Two separate women fiends of mine who have married in the last couple of years - have changed their instagram handles to "The Smiths" and "Mrs Jenny Jones" (not real names, obvs).
I think it's a real shame that women still feel so defined by the fact they are married. Neither of their husbands have done this - they still have their same accounts documenting beers, food, football. Meanwhile these women have gone from posting about their interests, hobbies, work etc, to just tediously posting about their lives as wives and mothers.
I'm all for women having the choice about how they present themselves of course! But I just think it's sad that they never post anything about themselves anymore, they just seem totally defined as "wife/mother".
I feel we still have a long way to go for modern day women and feminism.

Is it really so hard to grasp that for some women men and motherhood really is their priority/focus/life satisfaction.

They should be denigrated or pitied because of that

I don't tend to feel defined by my marriage but yes I am defined by the fact I'm a mother, and happy to be. I will always be a mother, whereas my career as an accountant will be a small part of my life in comparison (and incredibly tedious to post on social media about!) I do find a lot less time for interests since becoming a Mum so naturally wouldn't be mentioning them, maybe this is also the case with your friends?

I feel the same sinking feeling when newly wed women do this.

It shows how patriarchal society still is.

Marriage is a badge of honour for lots of women.

Even if we try to critique that, like on this thread, other women load in to shoot down the feminists.

Feminism is nothing to do with choice it’s about liberation.

There is nothing liberating about this.

But it does affect me badger and every other woman because it diminishes the female experience to being an accessory to someone else, be that child or partner.

And that is fucking sad.

Feminism is nothing to do with choice it’s about liberation.

Feminism is everything to do with choice.

Caribbeanyesplease

Whereas you’d be impressed if the words “mum/wife” were replaced with “their job”

Where did I say anyone should be defined by their job?

One of these women in particular used to post funny things or about music / films / books. She was part of lots of social circles and was in a choir and craft group.

I do not have an issue with people being in a happy relationship and loving their children jesus Christ, I'm a wife and mother myself. But it's more that they seem to have given up all other interests and hobbies, where's their husbands are happily still themselves as well as husbands / fathers.

No it isn’t.

Feminism is the fight for women’s liberation from patriarchy.

It’s the patriarchy that spreads the lie that ‘choice’ is feminist. It just a way to victim blame us.

For many wives and mothers, their central role in promoting the balanced development and wellbeing of their families, in conjunction with other mothers of their generation, is the defining role of society. Don’t be surprised if it defines them: they are putting their all into it.

Ah, I see the Mumsnet-flavour-feminists are up early policing other women’s behaviour. I don’t see men denigrating each other for becoming trainspotting nerds or stamp collectors. They just let them get on with it, even if it might seem a bit dull or pointless to others.

Whilst it is sad that society as a whole, and some posters here, feel that being wife and mother is 'just' anything, the choice to be what you want to be without all that sneering is what early feminism was all about.

Feminism is nothing to do with choice it’s about liberation. Erm... maybe not when that liberation is not what some women want, if it means having to be something they don't want to be, just to show they are liberated! That's why many early feminists eschewed Womens Lib... it ignored those women who chose to be mothers and wives.

There's fuck all wrong with making that choice, if it is a freely made one. And please, don't tell me ALL women have been oppressed into the home maker role. Some men take them on too, so it can be a human role, not just a female one!

But it does affect me badger and every other woman because it diminishes the female experience to being an accessory to someone else, be that child or partner. and I find it equally sad that any woman sees being part of a family unit that way! It must be lonely!

When I say I feel sad about it - I am happy for these women that they are happy, but it's the bigger picture - I'm sad that society has made women feel that they have somehow reached their potential as wives. Why do we rarely if ever see men doing this? It is always women.

What a horrible, sneering thread. Morherhood is every bit as important as having a career.

But instead of talking about the men here, we’re going after the women. The women who I’m sure are, like so many other women, left literally holding the baby while their husbands swan merrily off to do their hobbies and be “interesting” on social media. I find the fact that RJ thinks being an “accessory” to a child is “fucking sad” just beyond words so I’ll leave that one there.

If you really want to make this a feminist discussion rather than a bitchy one, are you sure that these women actually have the opportunity/the will to continue with their hobbies.

Some women find motherhood all-consuming. Some do not. Neither situation is less than, just because some women like to criticise other women’s choices.

I don’t see men denigrating each other for becoming trainspotting nerds or stamp collectors

I think it's interesting that you use the male equivalent of wives and mothers as trainspotting or stamp collecting. The latter are hobbies - exactly what these women no longer have.
If it were men posting solely about being fathers and husband we would most DEFINITELY have other men denigrating them for being "under the thumb" or "whipped". This is precisely the problem

GenderApostate

WHERE DID I MENTION CAREER?!

I agree with you OP. I know women who have "housewife" as their description on facebook (and bizarrely, linked in) or "full time mummy". I also know women who dont have their own email addresses and use their husbands, or use a joint one like Tom&[email protected].

I find it sad and a bit pathetic, judgy I know, but there you go.

I think for many women it is a phase and they come out of the intensity of the baby/toddler years and regain themselves. Others don't. I know a lot of women consider me very selfish because I maintained competing in my sport when my children were little - 'dumping' them with their dad Wife/mother was never enough for me, but I am unusual in being particularly driven in a time consuming sport, most women don't have that and are happy to lose themselves for a while. As long as they can find themselves later, life is long and there is time for different phases throughout it.

They have so much more about them than that.

Some people don't though. They seem to go through life with no interests outside of their family unit.

If they're happy doing it I honestly don't see the problem.

Maybe spend a little less time worrying about other peoples lifestyle choices?

The proof of the pudding is in the eating. Wait a few years and judge women, if you have to, on whether they have navigated their families through life’s choppy waters and raised balanced and happy children and have a supportive and loving marriage.

I also know women who dont have their own email addresses and use their husbands, or use a joint one like Tom&[email protected].

Sorry, that made me laugh, quite loudly

PoisonousSIL has an email like that, so BIL can't email anyone without her knowing all about it - but she says it's because they are soul mates, have no secrets, live and breathe as one!!!! She controls much of his communication with the outside world in the same way (even to deleting DHs number from his phone). So I am not sure that I have ever seen the joint email as anything other than a cutesy attempt to how how loved up some people are, no matter who set up the account!

But the point is, these women are proud and happy about being a wife and mother and that has become their focus. It’s stikl very new to them. As time passes, the novelty will wear off and likely their posts about music and hobbies will increase and post about marriage and motherhood decrease.

It’s nothing to feel sad about.

People are different.

I can categorically say since becoming parents both me and my DH are as boring as one another .

I’d never define myself by my marital status but becoming a parent has changed me as a person and I’m sorry if that offends people but I don’t particularly care. I’m a SAHP so I’m probably one of these really boring women who don’t have anything better to do in my life than wait about for a man

Honestly - live and let live.

Op

You’ve not mentioned Job or career

But I don’t think you can deny that if they’d stopped talking about their hobbies and replaced that with posts about a new stimulating work project they’d started, you sure as heck wouldn’t be on mumsnet expressing “sadness”.

Our lives are multi faceted and we have lots of roles. As we go through life we lose some roles and take on others. At different times, the importance of some roles wax and wane.
When someone takes on a new role, has a significant role related event going on or has only a few roles, those roles will be more significant.

@RJnomore1

Thank you for your input. I'm not a mother yet, but I do think it's disturbing that women are willing to erase every other part of themselves in order to be a wife/mother, and that society demands that of them. No wonder so many women decide to be childless when we set up this choice. I've been reading about 'the mother wound' and I do think it's the same thing.

My friends who have kids are throwing all-day themed birthday parties (with decorations, a music playlist, colour theme, costumes, several courses etc) for 3 year olds. It's become the expected norm. Their grandmothers can't understand what is happening. They are all like "Just take them to the park with a store bought cake and some fairy bread. Why make it so hard for yourself?"

I know birthday parties seem tangential to the marriage thing, but it's part of the same issue to me. Our society DEMANDS that motherhood be all-consuming, and says if it isn't you're not doing it right. It also strongly encourages women define themselves in relation to their husbands. I call bullshit on the whole thing, and as a very happily married woman who is planning to start a family soon, I feel really sad for those women.